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taintedgypsy -> RE: Feelings of worthlessness (9/13/2007 1:28:10 PM)
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quote:
ORIGINAL: mistoferin
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I wanted to touch on some things that NControlofU has said here. Sometimes bad shit can happen to good people....it's how we come out on the other side that stands as testament to who we are. You said "The thing that a lot of people fail to realize is that we each make our own misery or happiness by the choices we make.". I am very glad that you said this. I have said it too and sometimes I have been accused of "blaming the victim" for doing so. There is a huge difference between taking on blame, fault or guilt and seeing and accepting your own responsibility for you part. I believe that when that realization comes into view, it is often the defining moment in the transition from being a victim to becoming a survivor.
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I have written many posts here on these boards detailing some very dark and traumatic events in my life. I have also expressed where I have felt my responsibility lay in those events. Nearly without fail, when I have done so, someone has come forward with the intention of support to tell me that "it wasn't my fault and I should not blame myself". One does not have to see fault and accept blame to rationally assess their part. It is from that assessment and acceptance that lessons are learned and growth can occur.
It is my sincere hope for them that there will be a moment in their lives when they have that awakening and can successfully make that transition from "victim" to "survivor".
I agree with the concept but feel a need to add to it. It is true that many do not understand the difference between taking responsibility for your part in what happened and taking blame and guilt on for the event. Understanding this was difficult for me and I am told I was not alone. This separation of responsibility from bame/guilt is a hard one, but really necessary to evaluate the reasons behind something. For me it was especially hard as I lacked some basic life skills that impeded both my judgement and my decission making process ... this led to repetition of trauma due to my inability to correct my behaviour. If you do not understand something ... how do you change it, if you do not relise that something even exists how do you aknowlege it and correct it? You can only make a choice based on what you know the choices are and you make wrong choices because you only know certain ways to choose, you realise that the choices you have made have led to your unhappiness but you do not understand why? Accepting responsibility under these terms means you blame your self for being stupid, shame and guilt follow and you try to hide the fact that you are different because you know you are but you do not understand how and can not explain it to others.
My therapist put it in story form for me ... simplistic but effective at the time.
Imagine a little girl was traumatised and ended up with her arm tied behind her back and then she dissapeared to a place where no one could reach her. When she came back everyone was so glad she had returned that they all pretended that she was fine and reinforced that it was ok she had one good arm, she could still be just like everyone else ... all is good. She could not remember that her arm was tied behind her back and no one ever mentioned the unspeakable. She went on through life accepting that these people were right and she just had to learn to do things like everyone else. When she had difficulty she adapted, she explained it away as being stupid or clumsy or slow, but hid the secret that she felt she was wrong somehow, different. People just accepted that she was a little fruity, descreetly helped her, but no one wanted to be rude and say hey why are you acting like this you only have one arm? Instead they admired her for her efforts ... she was a survivor who always got back up and went on trying to get it right. She kept running into trouble and getting hurt because she was trying to live a life which needed two arms and could not understand why it was so hard for her, blame and guilt because she could not manage as others did but she belieived she should be able too. One day she remembered everything and untied her arm ... everyone jumped for joy and said wow you must be so happy ... now you are whole, now you have two arms like everyone else .... throw a party.
Her whole world turned upside down ... what was this thing hanging at her side, it had no strength, it flopped and got in the way ... she had no idea what to do with it, how to use it, how to walk with it, how to do things two handed ... everything was so hard so different ... out of ballance. No matter how she tried she could not adjust ...
In the end she went to a doctor and said "fix me I am broken" ... He replied " no you do not need fixing, you have been broken all you life, the problem is you are now whole but you only know how to live broken". He explained that it would take a long time for the muscles to build and strengthen, it would take practice to learn the skills and co-odination involved in using two hands and two arms, she would need professional help to do all this and to learn to stop hiding, stop feeling different, stop pretending and accept that she was whole and that she would be ok.
quote:
Driver1961
It is difficult to enthuse another out of a quagmire when they are grasping at the edges and you are enthusing the joys of dancing beyond the quagmire. This enthusing is a nightmare in itself for the 'troubled One' resorts to their rationale which is considerablely less than yours- consequently they throw clodfulls of mud often knocking you out whilst you juxtapose ways to assist them to remove themselves from the quagmire. Often the stuck One just can't see your perspective (they are in the mud n you are standing remember!) because they have not progressed to the level you are at. The stuck One is however rejoicing at finding footholds/roots etc (not straws!) and are exalting this to their own sublimeness. A sublimeness that you may understand from your perspective of standing away from the quagmire is a real beginning. To them however it is the pinnacle of what life can constitute for them. The stuck One is simply not able to see your perspective cos they simply aren't able to from the edge of the mud.
It is hard to be in a quagmire, all you know is slushy mud, you have never stood on green grass, seen flowers, or known anything like what that person up there is talking about. You try and climb up and you find a nice ledge ... this must be the firm ground that they were talking about, you've made it so why are they still shouting all that unintelligable junk at you. The ledge breaks and you slde down into the mud again. So you climb again and find annother ledge this one is higher and you can see some green ... well that rocks your world you know you have made it this time, yet still they are yelling down at you ... you do not understand what the hell they are talking about, you throw clods at them to shut them up they are just adding to the confussion ... the ledge starts to crumble ...
Take a person who has lived in a dessert all there life and put them on a boat in the middle of an ocean and say "Here is a compas, there is the sail and over there is the rudder. Here is a map with the location of an island, you will be ok". They have no idea what the hell you are talking about and no idea of where they are. When the ship hits the storm and they are drowning in the sea ... they know that there choices led to this event but they simply did not have the skills or the knowlege to make any other choice than they did. No matter how many times you pull them out of that water and put them back on a boat, they may get better at handling the boat but without learning the skills of seamanship; the chances of them finding that island are really bloody slim.
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