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Submission and Divorced Men - 9/7/2007 5:48:01 PM   
Aimtoplease101


Posts: 319
Joined: 2/8/2006
From: San Diego, California
Status: offline 		During a chat with one of the wonderful ladies I've met on this site, she made the comment that the fact that man has been divorced could (emphasis on could) be a red flag that he's not very submissive, since if he was he would not have had any conflict with his ex resulting in a divorce.

There are some many reasons that marriages-- and relationships generally-- fail, that I certainly didn't ascribe any universal truth to this observation.  But it got me wondering whether other dominant women viewed a man's divorce as a possible "red flag" regarding his submissiveness (or other qualities).

The microphone is open.

Regards, ATP

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RE: Submission and Divorced Men - 9/7/2007 5:56:10 PM   
MsSonnetMarwood


Posts: 1898
Joined: 2/10/2005
From: Eastern Shore, Maryland
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Aimtoplease101

During a chat with one of the wonderful ladies I've met on this site, she made the comment that the fact that man has been divorced could (emphasis on could) be a red flag that he's not very submissive, since if he was he would not have had any conflict with his ex resulting in a divorce.

There are some many reasons that marriages-- and relationships generally-- fail, that I certainly didn't ascribe any universal truth to this observation.  But it got me wondering whether other dominant women viewed a man's divorce as a possible "red flag" regarding his submissiveness (or other qualities).

The microphone is open.

Regards, ATP


Eh.  Relationships end.  If it was based on how submissive (or Dominant) someone was, we probably wouldn't see the high turnover in BDSM relationships that we commonly see.

I'd only be worried if someone blamed it entirely on the ex, had a chip on his shoulder about her, hadn't learned anything from past relationships ending.

_____________________________

~Ms. Sonnet Marwood~

Deja Moo: The feeling you've heard this bull somewhere before.

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RE: Submission and Divorced Men - 9/7/2007 5:56:41 PM   
MsCameron


Posts: 238
Joined: 10/14/2004
From: Ontario, Canada
Status: offline 		No, it never occurred to me that being divorced might be a red flag.

Hell, I'm divorced :) which has no bearing on my dominance.

In hindsight, I probably should have taken my whip to him ...grin

MC

_____________________________

I'm reaching for the random or what ever will bewilder me.
And following our will and wind we may just go where no one's been.
We'll ride the spiral to the end and may just go where no one's been.
Spiral out. Keep going, going...
Lateralis.Tool

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RE: Submission and Divorced Men - 9/7/2007 6:02:57 PM   
arayofsunshine55


Posts: 545
Joined: 8/1/2004
From: San Francisco, CA
Status: offline 		I think that is kinda silly.  I am interested in how someone talks about relationships which have ended, marriage or other.  If everything is her fault and there is no sense of personal responsibility and introspection I'm not gonna be interested.  

_____________________________

Sunshine

Is it not most transformative, most earthshaking, to pierce the veils of self-deception and illusion, and crack the eggshell of ignorance, to most intimately encounter oneself? Lama Surya Das

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RE: Submission and Divorced Men - 9/7/2007 6:27:57 PM   
earthycouple


Posts: 4462
Joined: 2/19/2006
Status: offline 		I don't believe that at all...
Big Fake Scenarios:

Let's just say that he's submissive and defers to her and she's always making decisions.  What happens if she isn't dominant?  What if she wants him to step up and make a decision once in while?  How bout he begs and pleads to be beaten and she's not into beating?  How bout he wants to be a cuck and she's pro monogomy?  I'd divorce if I was in any of those scenarios and neither of us could meet in the middle.

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Seeking, searching, hoping, living, loving, jumping. So what's new with you?

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RE: Submission and Divorced Men - 9/7/2007 6:37:30 PM   
Petronius


Posts: 289
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline 		To paraphrase: Just because he's submissive doesn't mean he's submissive to her.

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RE: Submission and Divorced Men - 9/7/2007 7:01:09 PM   
thetammyjo


Posts: 6322
Joined: 9/8/2005
Status: offline 		Some red flags to me are multiple examples of failure to maintain a relationship.

One divorce is sadly very common in the world, has been for many centuries in some cultures.

Multiple divorces might suggest to me that he/she has a problem determining who is and is not a good match. Thus I would question any assumption that he/she made that led him/her to the idea that he/she would be a good match for me and my family.

A similar thing for multiple short-term relationships that claim to have been "serious" or slave-owner in nature. I'm all for getting experiences but the claim that they were more suggests to me that the person falls too quickly and too easily into dynamics they are not ready for or with people whom are not good matches. Again this makes me question their judgment in regards to me.

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Love, Peace, Hugs, Kisses, Whips & Chains,

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Check out my website at http://www.thetammyjo.com Or www.tammyjoeckhart.com

And my LJ where I post fiction in progress if you "friend" me at http://thetammyjo.livejournal.com/

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RE: Submission and Divorced Men - 9/7/2007 7:17:23 PM   
MissIsis


Posts: 473
Joined: 1/1/2005
Status: offline 		No, I don't consider divorce a red flag.  There are just too many variables.  Thankfully, we don't live in a country where we have to be miserable martyrs & stay in relationships that are not working for us, or that make us chronically unhappy.

I would however, like others have said here, consider it a red flag if he was still bitter & constantly blaming the ex.  It would indicate to me, that he wasn't really over the relationship & hadn't healed enough to step into another one. 

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RE: Submission and Divorced Men - 9/7/2007 9:48:21 PM   
RumpusParable


Posts: 1923
Joined: 7/7/2005
From: NYC now!
Status: offline 		The divorce automatically raising questions on his submissiveness?  No, not for me.  As was said, there are just too many reasons for divorce.

Now, what he has to say about his divorce (or any past relationships) is always a good tool for judging character.

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I generally use fast-reply. If directing my post at someone specific I will indicate so.

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RE: Submission and Divorced Men - 9/8/2007 2:58:39 PM   
HelenaTroy


Posts: 93
Joined: 8/20/2007
Status: offline 		Maybe he didn't want the divorce and she did. There are a million reasons why people get divorced. The thing that irritates me the most is the stigma that comes along with divorce. Think about it.

--You could be in a ten year relationship with someone, then you break up. It's a break up.

--But if you're in a 2 year marriage and split up, then it's a divorce and it's viewed by society as a failure of a large magnitude.

I think that the ten year relationship split would most likely be more significant and painful, but it doesn't have than same social stigma and feeling of failure as a divorce does.

I wouldn't judge someone for getting a divorce at all. I'd be happy for them. You live, you learn, you go on with your life.

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RE: Submission and Divorced Men - 9/8/2007 3:02:09 PM   
SunnyTawse


Posts: 151
Joined: 11/17/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: RumpusParable

Now, what he has to say about his divorce (or any past relationships) is always a good tool for judging character.




Hear, hear!

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RE: Submission and Divorced Men - 9/9/2007 7:39:09 AM   
MysticFireTopaz


Posts: 50939
Joined: 4/23/2005
From: Dallas/Ft. Worth, TX
Status: offline 		To me, a divorce or two is never a red flag.  In fact, I am glad when I find a man who is divorced, since I get approached so frequently by married men.
 
The only time it would be a red flag is if the number of divorces was high.  I would wonder about three divorces, and must admit that four or five (or more) would be a red flag.
 
Lady Topaz

(in reply to Aimtoplease101)
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RE: Submission and Divorced Men - 9/9/2007 6:48:12 PM   
YesMistressIrish


Posts: 1135
Joined: 5/1/2007
From: Calif
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: MsCameron

No, it never occurred to me that being divorced might be a red flag.

Hell, I'm divorced :) which has no bearing on my dominance.

In hindsight, I probably should have taken my whip to him ...grin

MC

Yep, me too. I still wish I could get the chance!

(in reply to MsCameron)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: Submission and Divorced Men - 9/9/2007 7:00:55 PM   
homedespot


Posts: 79
Joined: 5/28/2006
Status: offline 		Multiple divorces or relationships is a red flag to Me. But also men who say they have never been in a serious relationship before particularly men 25+.

A single divorce is not, in any way, a red flag.

I actually have respect for men who realize that they can't live without their submission, spend years trying to convince the woman they love to particpate in that and then find they have the strength to do what they need to do. But then (and it isn't on-topic I realize) I believe that submission and dominance have a strong genetic component. Just My Opinion!

J.
.
quote:

ORIGINAL: Aimtoplease101

During a chat with one of the wonderful ladies I've met on this site, she made the comment that the fact that man has been divorced could (emphasis on could) be a red flag that he's not very submissive, since if he was he would not have had any conflict with his ex resulting in a divorce.

There are some many reasons that marriages-- and relationships generally-- fail, that I certainly didn't ascribe any universal truth to this observation.  But it got me wondering whether other dominant women viewed a man's divorce as a possible "red flag" regarding his submissiveness (or other qualities).

The microphone is open.

Regards, ATP

(in reply to Aimtoplease101)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: Submission and Divorced Men - 9/9/2007 7:48:43 PM   
FullfigRIMaam


Posts: 718
Joined: 6/21/2007
Status: offline 		I actually see being a certain age in never in a committed relationship/divorced as a red flag more than having been divorced...
It is true that if my ex was sub, I'd probably still be with him, but than again I didn't know this was a need of mine in order for a relationship to have lasting potential.   M

_____________________________

"touching was and still is and will always be the true revolution" Nikki Giovanni
"Love is the only sane and satisfactory answer to the problem of human existence." Erich Fromm

(in reply to Aimtoplease101)
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RE: Submission and Divorced Men - 9/9/2007 9:42:23 PM   
GoddessDustyGold


Posts: 2822
Joined: 4/11/2004
From: Arizona
Status: offline 		Your Lady is right and the emphasis should be on the word could be a red flag.  After all, there is no written rule that the reason for the divorce was his lack of submission.  If it was a vanilla marriage, she might have left him because she though he was a wimp!  *Smile*
There are many reasons people get divorced.  I am  more interested in why the relationship may have failed (bearing in mind that I am only getting one side of the story) and much more interested in determining if there is a habitual failure of relationships (not necessarily marriages). 
At My age, it is unusual to meet someone of like age who has not been married at least once in the past.  I have been married and divorced Myself, and I would not someone to jump to conclusions about Me!

< Message edited by GoddessDustyGold -- 9/9/2007 9:45:36 PM >

_____________________________

Dusty
They that give up essential liberty to obtain a little temporary safety deserve neither liberty nor safety
B Franklin
Don't blame Me ~ I didn't vote for either of them
The Hidden Kingdom


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RE: Submission and Divorced Men - 9/9/2007 11:05:11 PM   
liks2plzlf


Posts: 390
Joined: 7/21/2005
Status: offline 		If it were true, than  couldn't we assume all you divorced woman were not really dominant. I live in a state that many teach,women are to serve the men. (Mormons). I have had women dump me because, I was too submissive. One of the reasons my ex asked for a divorce.

(in reply to GoddessDustyGold)
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RE: Submission and Divorced Men - 9/10/2007 5:22:02 AM   
TNstepsout


Posts: 1558
Joined: 8/3/2005
Status: offline 		No, it's not a red flag to me either.

I was talking to a divorced co-worker a while back about the dating game (vanilla) and she said that no matter the situation the single man is in, there are some possible pitfalls. If he is divorced, it's possible he was at fault and she needs to watch out for the bad behavior that ended the relationship. If he is a widower, is he still grieving for his deceased mate? Is he ready to devote himself to another woman? And lastly, if he's never been married...ooh big red flag for the 40+ crowd.

So every scenario for someone's past comes with an up side and a down one and I have my own.

(in reply to liks2plzlf)
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RE: Submission and Divorced Men - 9/10/2007 10:51:22 AM   
MizzElle


Posts: 82
Joined: 8/9/2007
Status: offline 		Well considering the divorce rate, after a certain age a big portion of people are going to be divorced. Maybe even divorced more than once. I don't believe this should have anything to do with how submissive (or dominant) is, just that they had a serious relationship that ended. I'm sure we've all gone through those.

(in reply to TNstepsout)
Profile   Post #: 19
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