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I Beat My Ex Up Tonite.. - 9/7/2007 9:40:16 PM   
JerseyKrissi72


Posts: 10238
Joined: 8/21/2006
From: Reed City, Michigan
Status: offline 		         I don't believe in physical violence but yes, i beat my ex up tonite..I found out he spent over 200 dollars on porn and booze/ cigs but when i asked about our kids birthdays coming up he said "you can sell your fat ass" right infront of my kids!! They were crying and he said I don't have money for birthdays so I threw the liquor bottle at him and beat him with my cell phone...I made him leave and dared him to call the cops since he has a few domestic violence things in the past....I'm so angry!! I know what I did was wrong but damn....how can someone be so uncaring???

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RE: I Beat My Ex Up Tonite.. - 9/7/2007 9:43:30 PM   
sub4hire


Posts: 6775
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline 		Uncaring, thats why he is your ex.

You do need to control your temper though.  You don't want to teach your kids domestic violence is ok.

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RE: I Beat My Ex Up Tonite.. - 9/7/2007 9:46:17 PM   
JerseyKrissi72


Posts: 10238
Joined: 8/21/2006
From: Reed City, Michigan
Status: offline 		You are absolutely correct and I do feel horrible for it...I remember my oldest son seeing me get beat from their dad and that's something i cannot change..I did sit down and talk to my oldest son when his dad left- Mom was wrong- plain and simple but those words should have never been spoken infront of children....I am looking into public housing in the beginning of the week...

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RE: I Beat My Ex Up Tonite.. - 9/7/2007 9:51:28 PM   
slaverosebeauty


Posts: 1941
Joined: 12/12/2004
From: Cali
Status: offline 		Addicts are like that, its one reason why we leave them [my exhusband was/is an addict and we use to fight around my son when he was less than 18months old, so I have btdt, bought the t-shirt and have a detailed map]. You may have let yor temper get the best of you, yet, at least you are not on the floor and you kids are screaming that he hurt you or worse.
 
Take a few deep breaths, ok more than a few, beat your pillow up, meditate, whatever it is that YOU need to get yourself calm, hug your kids, watch a sad movie, whatever works. No apologies are needed. Don't apologize for an addict and for your anger, your actions are all you can control.  

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RE: I Beat My Ex Up Tonite.. - 9/7/2007 9:56:11 PM   
JerseyKrissi72


Posts: 10238
Joined: 8/21/2006
From: Reed City, Michigan
Status: offline 		Thankyou rose, your words really helped calm me tonite- I'm gonna go watch some tv and enjoy a cup of hot tea..maybe a night on the streets will show him the addict life is not so nice.

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RE: I Beat My Ex Up Tonite.. - 9/7/2007 10:25:39 PM   
chellekitty


Posts: 3923
Joined: 3/27/2005
Status: offline 		a night? does that mean in the morning you're going to let him back in?!?! as an addict, a clean addict, but still an addict, if you're going to let him back in, don't do it until he's changed...gotten clean and sober...for himself...you and the kids haven't gotten him clean and sober thus far, why would ya'll do it now...and i'm sorry if thats harsh, but its reality..... if that means you have to be a single mom...is that so much worse than what happened tonight in front of the kids... if you want to talk, please please, email me on the other side...

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RE: I Beat My Ex Up Tonite.. - 9/7/2007 11:23:35 PM   
MadameDahlia


Posts: 2021
Joined: 8/11/2004
From: SoCal aka Hell
Status: offline 		I'm sorry to hear that you're dealing with a selfish ex, Krissi. And please don't be too hard on yourself. You're not the one pushing the alcohol on him. It's his own doing. And there's really not much that you can do to force an addict to give up their vice.

I'm glad to hear that you're looking into alternative housing. I know the damage that's done when UMs are exposed to an addict's behavior... because my father was and still is a "functional alcoholic". Sure, he can get up and go to work. But when he comes home the rest of the family knows that we can find him at the bottom of a bottle of vodka.

When I was much younger I'd only heard of physically violent drunks in the news and from my peers. So when I was old enough to understand that my father was drunk quite a bit of the time at home... I waited. I watched. I became quite wary.

Fortunately, he never lifted a finger. His voice, on the other hand, came through the walls loud and clear. I continued to be apprehensive. I waited for the day he'd turn violent. When I was years younger (not yet in middle school) I'd lay awake, thinking about the knives downstairs in the kitchen. Fiercely protective of my mother and my younger sister I vowed that if he ever so much as brushed his knuckles across either of them I'd go downstairs and use one of those knives.

Growing up in that environment definitely leaves an impression.

Instead of focusing on how you made a mistake this evening please keep in mind all of the ways in which you're doing right by your UMs. Think about being able to leave it behind when you move away. Think about setting a better example for your UMs by teaching them what it means to respect others. Explain to them that sometimes we don't always make the right choices (like drinking excessively and exposing UMs to sentiments best left between adults, or unsaid entirely). But stress that we should at least try our best.

And when you find someone that you want to share your life with make sure that he's someone who will help you educate your UMs (through example) on what it means to be part of a functional, happy family.

I wish you and yours health, happiness and prosperity.

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Insanity -- a perfectly rational adjustment to an insane world.
--R. D. Laing

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RE: I Beat My Ex Up Tonite.. - 9/8/2007 5:45:02 AM   
pahunkboy


Posts: 33061
Joined: 2/26/2006
From: Central Pennsylvania
Status: offline 		all my exes live in texasssssss.   [?]

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RE: I Beat My Ex Up Tonite.. - 9/8/2007 8:31:07 AM   
SusanofO


Posts: 5672
Joined: 12/19/2005
Status: offline 		He sounds like a true jerk. I am sorry that happened to you.

- Susan

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RE: I Beat My Ex Up Tonite.. - 9/8/2007 9:19:31 AM   
spiral23


Posts: 1053
Joined: 1/10/2007
Status: offline 		*HUGS*....leave him on the street til he's ready to sort himself out...

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RE: I Beat My Ex Up Tonite.. - 9/8/2007 9:24:34 AM   
JerseyKrissi72


Posts: 10238
Joined: 8/21/2006
From: Reed City, Michigan
Status: offline 		      A night of tv and sleep helped me alot..I think he realizes what he has because today he went out and bought the boys some toys and spending alot of quality time with them- I will keep a CLOSE eye on him and he won't be left alone with them til he gets himself into some sort of counseling or something..my kids are too important to me..today, i'm playing army men w/ the boys...have a good day all and thanks for your words.

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RE: I Beat My Ex Up Tonite.. - 9/8/2007 9:31:43 AM   
came4U


Posts: 3572
Joined: 1/23/2007
From: London, Ontario
Status: offline 		Abuse is abuse. Not a tabulating effort of who should be less available for arrest because they have fewer or no citings on their record. Emotional blackmail to exhibit excuses for your abusive actions, niceeeee.

Not to mention the verbal or physical sparring going on in front of um's. uhhg. Is this a way to teach lil ones how to treat another human being? Addict or non? You choose to enable him as long as he 'behaves'.

Kids need to have stable, with or without both parents.  I suggest NA or Alanon for you, AA or NA for him. 

He has his own agenda it seems and although you are trying to ensure your children are kept for financially, it is still no excuse to bash him (as he did to you) in front of them. Imagine now, they might think that their birthday brought on the drama or breakup of you two? gods. how horrific. This would only teach them that if someone is out of hand and says something mean they should 'beat them'. Instead of knowing that in doing such, they are the weaker of the two.

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RE: I Beat My Ex Up Tonite.. - 9/8/2007 10:25:28 AM   
e01n


Posts: 1472
Status: offline 		Good suggestions from others, but it still comes down to this:

Violence only makes the situation worse.

He gets violent or shows signs of that progression towards it, call the cops. The earlier, the better. Try to spill some of his beer on him just as an added "obviously drinking" sign... works wonders.

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RE: I Beat My Ex Up Tonite.. - 9/8/2007 11:43:50 AM   
velvetears


Posts: 2933
Joined: 6/19/2006
Status: offline 		Sorry that happened to you krissy but realize, really understand, that you can expect NOTHING from this man - he doesn't have the capability to follow through or come through for you.  Take all legal action you can to make him live up to his responsibilities, other than that stop depending on him for ANYTHING.  All you will do is frustrate youself in to wanting to, or actually beating him up again - and that's not good for anyone involved, especially your kids.

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RE: I Beat My Ex Up Tonite.. - 9/8/2007 11:51:56 AM   
onegoodgirl


Posts: 126
Joined: 5/6/2007
Status: offline 		What an un-fun situation.

Sorry you're going through that.. it's really hard on the UMs for sure.


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RE: I Beat My Ex Up Tonite.. - 9/8/2007 12:02:40 PM   
chellekitty


Posts: 3923
Joined: 3/27/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: JerseyKrissi72

     A night of tv and sleep helped me alot..I think he realizes what he has because today he went out and bought the boys some toys and spending alot of quality time with them- I will keep a CLOSE eye on him and he won't be left alone with them til he gets himself into some sort of counseling or something..my kids are too important to me..today, i'm playing army men w/ the boys...have a good day all and thanks for your words.


i really don't know the whole situation, i just know what you have posted here...but buying some toys and spending "quality time" for a day does not make the past disapear...

were all the domestic violence things in the past alcohol related? if yes...what makes this one time different? if no...what caused this binge?

there is so many more questions...but if you want help, start here...if not...i understand....i will be here when you do...

chelle

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RE: I Beat My Ex Up Tonite.. - 9/8/2007 12:06:47 PM   
sambamanslilgirl


Posts: 10926
Joined: 2/5/2007
From: Chicago, IL
Status: offline 		first of all HUGE *hugs* to you and your UMs ...wishing them happy birthdays too

second - my ex is the same way. he can remember his family's birthdays however he doesn't know when his own 2 were born - i'll be lucky if he gets the month correct but the exact day and year - good luck!  one year it was June when he finally remembered their birthdays. it doesn't bother my teen that he forgets however with my youngest - oh she has a memory like steel trap ...so you better remember.

third - i verbally berated him in front of the 1st and current wife (my ex married me while still married to her ..now they're back together) making sure she understood every word in Spanish (since she speaks no english) not to mess with mine ...she wanted them to call her "mother" - over my dead body!  now she's thoroughly versed that this mom doesn't appreciate a move like that.


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RE: I Beat My Ex Up Tonite.. - 9/8/2007 12:16:21 PM   
earthycouple


Posts: 4462
Joined: 2/19/2006
Status: offline 		Ok, Krissi....I've been behind you a lot on a lot of things but this post is going to be one of those that's not so nice.  Not because I dislike you, quite the contrary.  But because I do like you.

I have lived through two very abusive men so this is not conjecture, speculation or heresay.  It is what I've lived and know to be true of 98% of all abusers.

  • He will never stop
  • He will get worse
  • He will one day not care if he hits you or your kids
  • He will always beg forgiveness
  • He will buy gifts in hopes you forgive
  • He always says he'll never do it again
  • He will always play you in hopes you continue to enable him (feed, clothe, house)

Reality check.  I already see in just what you've posted here in this thread that he's doing some of these things... giving the kids gifts...same as giving them to you.

Reality check.  You seemed proud when you started this post that you beat him up.  You are no better than he is right now.  You need help too.

Reality check.  Those kids are learning everything from the pair of you and will emulate you sooner than you think.  Get them help.  Even if the abuse stops right now, this minute; those kids need help too.

Reality check.  Once you kick him out don't let him back in.  I don't care how bad money is or anything else...there are shelters that help battered women and children until they get on their feet.  If you haven't family or friends...go to one of those.  Don't feel you are above them or two proud.  Instead be proud you got your kids out of there before he beat til hospitalization or killed one of you.

Reality check.  While you don't appear, via this post to feel sorry for yourself, don't fall into it.  Stand up strong, be a woman, be a mother and do what you know in your heart to be right.  Save you and your children.  Even if he's bringing in money, good money, even...it isn't worth it.

Reality check.  If you don't heed my advice above....Not only call the cops when things are escalating, call a friend and take pictures of every single bruise you or the children get because of him.  Even if you don't need hospitalization.

Now, my shortened story:  I left my abusive husband and took my one child to live in a tiny little apartment that I paid month to month and the landlord knew my story (I told him) and he was willing to work with me.  My work (it was near the holidays) made my daughter the recipient of the in house angel tree and not only Christmas but much else was provided to her.  (I shared my story with Pastoral Care who kept me confidential.)  No one knew who they were buying for, so I wasn't embarrased or anything else.  I however was thrilled and proud to be finally doing the right thing so I thanked the department personally who provided to my daughter.  It was hard.  Bills were always behind, we had nothing fun and exciting.  I went through hell in the divorce.  But I made it.  Hell or high water, I was going to and I did.  I made sure my rent and utilities were always paid and when things got better I managed to catch up all the other "married" bills and never even filed for bankruptcy (ex did *S* HA!)  I'm happy, healthy and my kids will never know abuse the way I know it because I got my ass out of there.

You can too. 

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RE: I Beat My Ex Up Tonite.. - 9/8/2007 1:18:59 PM   
MistressGayle


Posts: 76
Joined: 11/3/2004
Status: offline 		Alright, I'm going to spill a bit of info about Myself for the right reason here.

I also hit My ex, or tried to anyway, with a wall phone; I tore it off the wall and broke very fingernail in the process -- missed his head by inches, dang it! But it was thrown about 15' away, so it was a good try :)

I was married to a crazed, alcoholic vietnam vet for 11 years. It was always MY fault that he hit Me, I always "made" him do it. He was "always sorry but..."

Once they hit you, they have crossed a line (mentally AND physically) where they cannot undo it. It has been done. He has made his choices. He is an addict. He has to change for HIM, not anyone else. He has to leave your household and release your UMs and YOU from living an addict's life.

THIS IS NOT THE D/S LIFESTYLE, IT IS ABUSE.

My ex has not changed. He is still a womanizing, lying, alocholic who abuses everyone in his life in some way -- and ofcourse, it's everyone else's fault...

Verbal and emotional abuse is still abuse. YOU must step up and protect your UMs -- it is YOUR responsibility. He has reliquished any decision-making abililities about you and your UMs by making the decisions he's recently made. You need to get this and get him out of your house.

Life does not have to be lived this way. I moved Myself and My 3 daughers out. I didn't want them to think that was a "normal" household, and that men treating women that way was "right". Please get this.

Get out or get him out. Move on. His personality is his personality; it is just enhanced with the drug or drink of his choice. And realize HIS CHOICE is the drug or drink, not the welfare of his wife (ex) or UMs. MOVE ON.

edited to say: The last Christmas we had together, the girls and I bought a small bag of coal for his one and only Christmas gift. He was apalled. That's all he ever got from us again. He still talks about it 15 years later. It made a huge impact on him.

< Message edited by MistressGayle -- 9/8/2007 1:21:44 PM >

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