RE: Young BDSM Experiance / Abuse & How it effects you (Full Version)

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acissej -> RE: Young BDSM Experiance / Abuse & How it effects you (9/15/2007 10:13:41 PM)

There was some physical abuse in my past.  I'd love to be able to say that there's no connection for me between the abuse and my interest in bdsm, but like others have said, lots of things from childhood shape us.  I suspect my sexual interests would have been there regardless of the abuse, but it's impossible to know for sure. 

Either way, I see correlation between the abuse and some of my more specific likes and dislikes.  Two quick examples.  Belts and choking (not at the same time) were part of the abuse.  Any kind of choking or breath play is a hard limit with me.  I also sometimes have problems with gags or collars that are too snug.  On the other hand, just the sound of a belt buckle clinking is an instant turn-on.  Go figure. 

Denise (or anyone else), feel free to message me on the other side if you want to talk more about this.



adoracat -> RE: Young BDSM Experiance / Abuse & How it effects you (9/16/2007 2:23:43 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: deniseiscrazy

Thanks for getting back to me. The reason the abuse stopped was because e died and I honestly didnt' really think that bringing up all of what happened to me two years later (after I was adjusted) would have really solved anything. I'm just not strong enough to go through the hell of all of that just to tell people that a dead person was the devil.

I also know that there is a distinct difference between bdsm & abuse, but the same elements are in both, its just how its done. For the same reason rape is different from rough sex, bdsm bondage is different from tying up a teenage girl.



my abuse stopped when i got the nerve to look at him and say "stop that, i'm not into incest"  and he was shocked... "but its only touching!"  "oh so you ARENT my father!  good!"

he never touched me inappropriately again.  i wish he'd never touch me again at all.  (yes, my parents are still married despite mama finally knowing.  i dont blame her, she needs to do what she feels right.)

kitten, who still doesnt always feel right about herself



BeachMystress -> RE: Young BDSM Experiance / Abuse & How it effects you (9/16/2007 7:06:35 AM)

I was molested at 7 and raped at 15. I was also physically abused between the ages of 8 and 17. However, my desire to tie people up and spank them started in the low single digits, a good four years before I was molested. I do not believe the molestation had any impact on my BDSM development. The rape and the abuse did. They helped form in me a distaste for being helpless and vulnerable. While I would have been in BDSM in any case, perhaps without those two incidents I'd be a switch or even a sub. As it is, I am psychologically unwilling to give over control of me to anyone else.



BeachMystress -> RE: Young BDSM Experiance / Abuse & How it effects you (9/16/2007 7:27:00 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: adoracat

my abuse stopped when i got the nerve to look at him and say "stop that, i'm not into incest"  and he was shocked... "but its only touching!"  "oh so you ARENT my father!  good!"

he never touched me inappropriately again.  i wish he'd never touch me again at all.  (yes, my parents are still married despite mama finally knowing.  i dont blame her, she needs to do what she feels right.)

kitten, who still doesnt always feel right about herself

*hugs* I'm sorry to hear you don't always still feel right about yourself. Abuse can damage the very core of us. It took me a lot of introspection and therapy to deal with mine. Rebuilding ourselves can be a long and painful process. It is work. You have to say in your mind, till you actually believe it, that you are a good and worthwhile person and did nothing wrong.

Personally, I don't feel you should be hugging your father or letting him touch you in any way if it doesn't feel right. One step of healing is taking control of the situation. As long as you continue to allow what you do not want, you leave yourself in a bad place. You don't want it, but it keeps happening... Even though it is a minor type of touch it does resonate in the subconscious to when you were being touched in worse ways. You need to let your family know that you'll no longer be accepting hugs or touches from him. If they try to pressure you or make you out to be the villain for denying an old man.. remind them he's touched you enough for one life time. Do NOT be embarrassed about the past. He caused it, not you. You were a helpless child and should have been protected by the adults around you. Well, now you are an adult and it is up to you to protect the child-core of yourself that is still hurting. Your needs come first here. Good luck and many hugs.



monkey2911 -> RE: Young BDSM Experiance / Abuse & How it effects you (9/16/2007 4:14:09 PM)

I have had a number of abusive sexual and non sexual experiences since my late teens, and have relatively recently begun a relationship with someone who I initially found strong in our relationship, which was a welcome pleasure for me. I also began to further explore with him my submissive side.
Previously this had always come out through being in abusive relationships where it was taken advantage of. However now that I further explore it I have found that the difference lies in the trust that you give to your dominant partner. If you trust them, you will enjoy it.

I was concerned when I first started fantasising about sexual situations which could be easily compared to my rape, however recently I have come to realise that I should not be ashamed, and there is probably little connection.
In fact through my ever growing submissive experiences I have found that I am able to claim my inner strength back, and am finding myself being able to put the abusive experiences behind me by allowing myself to enjoy being submissive.
I think the main difference for me is that in these early stages, I have someone who I know respects me, would not push me too far, and will always stop if I need him to, and hold me when the games are over, bringing me safely back to earth.
 
In summation: I think that there is some connection, but possibly in seeking a new way to gain control over something that was perhaps always there, but was spoilt through bad experience. I think it can be immensely theraputic. But when it comes down to it - it's about the person you're with - there has to be mutual respect, and ultimately, trust.
 
Would people agree?



desertdancer -> RE: Young BDSM Experiance / Abuse & How it effects you (9/16/2007 4:33:16 PM)

Yes, I've been raped.

No, I do not think it has anything to do with my being into BDSM now.  My Bdsm activities in no way relate to what I went through as a child and preteen.  I don't partake in what I do now to relive anything.  The abuse wasn't violent, since I was to young to know it was wrong or fight.  It was just something I lived with.

My attraction into BDSM is because my Husband is sexy as hell when He lets me feel his power.  My attraction to BDSM is completely wrapped around my Husband.  All the emotions I feel when doing what we do are clean and untied to anything other then Him.  There is no darkness tied into what we do, there are no ghosts of the past visiting when I'm in surrender to him.

I can honestly say that if it wern't for my husband I wouldn't have even had BDSM on my radar.  There is just something so right about letting his controll and power flow over me, damn it's hot.

Sometimes things just turn us on just because they do, not because they have some tie to our pasts.  Not everything a surviver of trauma does is steeped in the past drama or trials. Yes we learn from them, we form our strenghts and weaknesses from them, but we don't have to carry them into every facet of our lives, somethings can and should be checked at the door.

The past abuse has helped form me, but I am not formed of it, I am formed of choices I make, choices to deal with, forgive and let go, choices to live each day fresh.  I choose what I take out into the world with me, I choose what emotions I feel and what emotions I want to let go of.

I honestly feel that a person can survive a trauma and come into the rest of their lives clean from it.

~dancer

(Edited because it's way to early in the morning for me to be posting)



deniseiscrazy -> RE: Young BDSM Experiance / Abuse & How it effects you (9/25/2007 2:15:40 AM)

quote:

Greetings
There is no abuse in my past; though I did grow up in foster homes in which there was not a lot of…shall we say, parental or family support.
I suppose one could say that my past helped lead me to BDSM and M/s relationships; but not for the physical aspects of it. I enjoy the controlling atmosphere that a M/s dynamic entails; most probably for it’s stability in most cases.
jaxon


what is the other like page similar to this one, if i knew that, I would not have created this one, do u have like a link or title name or some way i can find it



deniseiscrazy -> RE: Young BDSM Experiance / Abuse & How it effects you (9/25/2007 2:31:16 AM)

My story in short

I was abused at home, it started off when I was young, like just looking at me while I was undressed. I knew it was wrong for strangers to see me naked, but this was family now, so it was ok. Then the touching started, and I put up with it because I liked the attention, it was nice to have somebody pay attention to me, also it didn't hurt or anything. Then it was sexual, it wasn't the normal like abusefull painfull sexual stuff, he wanted me to orgasim, and i did, and it made me feel powerless to control my body at all.

Then it got really controlling, sex was like a daily activity or more, it was the focus of my life or at least it seemed like it, I spent alot of my hours undressed with him in a locked room. By the time high school started he had warped my mind so much that I pretty much did whatever he said, I mean I just felt trapped and it never crossed my mind that I could get out. I'm leaving out all the crap I did then, but i'm not ashamed anymore to share it, but for the longest time i was just so ashamed

There was no like bdsm stuff, like handcuffs or getting tied up, or cutting, or me or him likeing pain. The thing that really kinda made me into bdsm again was the control aspect, which seems probably creepy to most of you, but its something that I didn't really even want, but my current relationship taught me that I really need/enjoy it



desertdancer -> RE: Young BDSM Experiance / Abuse & How it effects you (9/25/2007 3:57:32 AM)

Hiya denise,

I'm sorry you had to live through that, your story and mine are similar.

You know, your post and Bita's has had me thinking, a lot.  My intrest in BDSM is wrapped up in my husband, when I said that, it's true.  He really is why I am into it, feeling his power well it just flat out does it for me.

But the more I got to thinking, the more I realized that what I went through as a child , though very sick was vanilla.  Before my husband I had a huge sexual dark.  I was not a functioning sexual adult.  Just the idea of sex could start my dark clawing at the seams. 

The Bdsm activities we partake in have been extreamly healing as I've been able to find sex that isnt tied up to memories, sex that isnt tied into flashbacks or will wrile my dark.  Through giving up my power and feeling my husbands and the spankings and cuffs and yummy things like that I learned that I am not broken sexually.  I'm quite healthy.

Now I can have straight sex, vanilla sex without any ties to my past sneaking up on me to upset my life, now even though I am submissive and give up my power, I FEEL powerful, I feel like I've got all the power I never had, if that makes any sense.

So, yes, I guess I was wrong BDSM does play a part to my childhood, it's healed it.



junecleaver -> RE: Young BDSM Experiance / Abuse & How it effects you (9/25/2007 10:08:13 AM)

I was never abused in any way I didn't want.  I did start kind of early with someone a good deal older than me.  I was very impressionable and those early experiences did shape some of my views now.  Even though some people might say it was abuse because of my age, I never felt that.  Every experience has brought me to where I am and helps me decide where I need to go.

I think a lot of people use BDSM as therapeutic tool.  As long as you are taking responsibility for your actions and not driving other people crazy, I think that's a valid way to deal with your issues.  If abuse had led me to this lifestyle, I would still think, 'Holy crap.  I'm lucky to have found people who share my interests.'



Pyrrsefanie -> RE: Young BDSM Experiance / Abuse & How it effects you (9/25/2007 2:08:33 PM)

I was sexually abused from the ages of five to sixteen, first by a family member, then by a photographer I was modelling for.

Do I think it has anything to do with my "interests?"  Not whatsoever.  I still enjoy the Daddy and little girl roleplay with my Master, but recognize that a relationship between a REAL father and a REAL little girl is completely wrong, so it's not just something I got used to.

And believe it or not, I used to hate spankings as a kid.  What the Hell!



Jinger -> RE: Young BDSM Experiance / Abuse & How it effects you (9/25/2007 7:47:46 PM)

When I was in elementary school I found myself with a bully problem that no other boy had, seemingly. All my bullies were girls. It was impossible at the time to have a teacher take you seriously when four of your bullies are the most polite...sweet little girls in the class.
I hope that with the new information they have now adays about bullying that this kind of thing isn't ignored. But it probably still is.

Anyway. It was in the third grade, and we were at recess. And the game was boys vs girls tag. And everyone was playing for a while but eventually the boys got sick of it. I forget why. For whatever reason I found myself alone with the girls, who decided to take advantage of the situation and take me prisoner. There was at least eight of them, I think...though in my memory there were more. And they pulled me over to the jungle gym and used jump rope to tie me to it. One of them stuffed a sock in my mouth so that I wasn't loud or anything. When it came time to go in they left me there like that. I didn't push the sock out until I realized that...yes...they really are leaving me. I was also worried that if I did yell, I'd get beat up for it (yeah, my girl bullies were just as physical as the boys).

I was out there for a long time. To this day I don't understand how my teacher failed to notice me, though I guess I was a very quiet...out of the way kind of boy.

Finally a janitor saw me and took me in. Nobody believed me, and I got in trouble for trying to skip class.

I don't know how this experience could've effected positively towards BDSM? But...here I am. Maybe that's why I'm so picky? I dunno.



disciplinedslave -> RE: Young BDSM Experiance / Abuse & How it effects you (9/25/2007 8:44:19 PM)

yes i was abused physically and sexually as a child, and spent my teenage years in foster care, but no i dont think that is what drew me to bdsm. i can remember instances as a young child where i would fantasize about being spanked by someone, and i would look at mens hands to gauge whether or not they would hurt. i would play tie up games with my siblings, and when we played house i was always the dog. when i reached a more sexually aware state of mind and discovered orgasm, i would masterbate to images of girls being spanked and tied up by very strong men.

all of this from a young age. i have also been a masochist for as long as i can remember. i love serving a man. i have waited on men since i was very young. i always mixed and gave my grandfather another drink when he was finished with one, and brought my father his tie or his shoes, made him breakfast and served it or just brought him a beer after work. serving has always brought me great pleasure. so i disagree with the common thought that abuse makes people gravitate towards a bdsm lifestyle or activities



chickpea -> RE: Young BDSM Experiance / Abuse & How it effects you (9/25/2007 9:05:32 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: BeachMystress

quote:

ORIGINAL: adoracat

my abuse stopped when i got the nerve to look at him and say "stop that, i'm not into incest"  and he was shocked... "but its only touching!"  "oh so you ARENT my father!  good!"

he never touched me inappropriately again.  i wish he'd never touch me again at all.  (yes, my parents are still married despite mama finally knowing.  i dont blame her, she needs to do what she feels right.)

kitten, who still doesnt always feel right about herself

*hugs* I'm sorry to hear you don't always still feel right about yourself. Abuse can damage the very core of us. It took me a lot of introspection and therapy to deal with mine. Rebuilding ourselves can be a long and painful process. It is work. You have to say in your mind, till you actually believe it, that you are a good and worthwhile person and did nothing wrong.

Personally, I don't feel you should be hugging your father or letting him touch you in any way if it doesn't feel right. One step of healing is taking control of the situation. As long as you continue to allow what you do not want, you leave yourself in a bad place. You don't want it, but it keeps happening... Even though it is a minor type of touch it does resonate in the subconscious to when you were being touched in worse ways. You need to let your family know that you'll no longer be accepting hugs or touches from him. If they try to pressure you or make you out to be the villain for denying an old man.. remind them he's touched you enough for one life time. Do NOT be embarrassed about the past. He caused it, not you. You were a helpless child and should have been protected by the adults around you. Well, now you are an adult and it is up to you to protect the child-core of yourself that is still hurting. Your needs come first here. Good luck and many hugs.


My childhood was so bad because my mom kept dictating everything (she still does to this day, as an adult LOL).  Even before I would do something, she would try to do it for me and tell me to do it when I already was going to.  My whole life revolved around her whims.  So in that abusive way, I just feel more comfortable being controlled and it's hard for me to speak up if I don't like something.  Like I think there's something wrong if I don't like something (I should like and go along with everything). 
I'm pretty sure that if I was raised by more normal parents, I wouldn't be attracted to controlling guys like that...  I've always had fantasies of being tied up and helpless when i was young.  It made me feel so good thinking about it.   

Yeah, I felt like a helpless child in my past BDSM relationship.  Ahhhh  [image]http://www.collarchat.com/micons/m16.gif[/image]was great in that way.  LOL  In other ways I never felt good enough.  I felt useless. 



onmykneesb4Him -> RE: Young BDSM Experiance / Abuse & How it effects you (9/25/2007 9:47:36 PM)

i was abused as a child as well- physically, emotionally, and sexually. i don't think this is what attracted me to bdsm, but i do think it played a big part in helping me find all those horribly abusive vanilla relationships i used to have.

i worked through the abuse in my own way and now feel OK about all of it. It was after that that i started bdsm and my Ds relationship. i'm on the same page as desertdancer, it is tied up in my Husband/Sir. And i also feel as though it helps me heal even further.

One thing, though, i can't stand being hit with a wooden spoon. Too many memories surrounding that, i guess!



Hissltora -> RE: Young BDSM Experiance / Abuse & How it effects you (9/26/2007 12:49:36 PM)

i just thought i would chime with my view.

i was abused for a good chunk of my childhood. Physical, sexual and emotional. But not once did i ever think it was the gateway to my slave side, my slave needs. Instead, i think i was an easy mark because of my natural submissiveness. i've always wanted to smooth the way and please everyone. So, stepdaddy said "i'm going to do X to you and it makes us happy" then i did it...because i didn't want to disappoint.

Unfortunately, the abuse did damage my self-esteem and temporarily eroded my sanity; so when i was forming relationships, i was not able to find the man i needed who would mold the submissive nature and let it shine.

Only by leaving a bad relationship was i finally able to realize what i needed...and then found...Goddess sent Sir for me to kneel in front of. i've been there ever since!

i dont have any 'hang-ups' when it comes to BDSM. The only lasting effect was mental - i was self-denying orgasms, but it was seated in the vicious need to not lose control of my body reactions. Once i was shown that those urges were no longer mine, that they were Sir's and i was denying Him, the block started melting quickly.

i feel empathy for those whose path led them through a horrible time such as that...but know that it stands to make you stronger in time!

In love and Light,
slavetora



peterK50 -> RE: Young BDSM Experiance / Abuse & How it effects you (9/26/2007 1:58:23 PM)

I was having fantasies before I was molested. I used to think that everyone knew that I was having "bad" thoughts & somehow the molesters picked-up on that. I blamed myself for years. I don't think that sent me into the lifestyle, but who can say.



deniseiscrazy -> RE: Young BDSM Experiance / Abuse & How it effects you (9/27/2007 4:42:12 PM)

I want to say I'm glad this isn't full of people saying how hot it would be to like kidnap a lil 13yr old girl, and for the one person i've talked to on here so far, its nice to find somebody who understands what its like



SlaveSubtoserve -> RE: Young BDSM Experiance / Abuse & How it effects you (9/28/2007 8:21:37 AM)

 
...not the standard definition of 'abuse', but i did experience a severely difficult/painful long term hospitalization at an early age that i believe had something to do with the genesis of my orientation to this lifestyle interest- but then again maybe not so.......hard to tell.



DocRudy -> RE: Young BDSM Experiance / Abuse & How it effects you (9/28/2007 8:29:49 AM)

There can be correlations made between sexual abuse as a child and kinkiness/sexual proclivity as an adult. Some of these connections are direct, but often they are indirect (i.e. abuse --> mental trauma --> kinkiness).

This is not always the case though.

-DR



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