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AAkasha -> RE: Female Dominants (9/9/2007 1:22:17 PM)
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quote:
ORIGINAL: blackpearl81
I'm inclined to agree with both you (Hutch) and Jill.
However, I'd also like to add this, although it just about dupilicates what you said.
Not only experience, but the ability to handle any situations that may arise, as well as deal with them in a mature and.. um... "non damaging"?? manner.
For example. Let say a situation arose, among 2 seperate Dom/mes.
One Dom/me is 41
The other is 24.
The 24 year old may handle a situation badly, and cause (although not be the sole cause) of a relationship going dead. Whether its saying something, or doing something.
The 41 year old, may have already dealt with something like this before, and she is able to apply what she learned previously.
To paraphrase something I saw another Dom/me say when I used to frequent these boards:
"Who were they a Dom/me to? Ken & Barbie?"
Just my 2 cents.
The more important questions to ask a femdom, regardless of her age, is why she is into what she is into and what is the path she took. At 24 I was a far more experienced femdom than many who decide at 40 to give BDSM a try, despite the number of successful or non successful vanilla relationships, which is an entirely different ball of wax.
At 24 if a man had asked for insight into how I got to where I was, he'd realize that when you start dabbling in power exchange as a teenager (with guys your age), in the most innocent and tentative ways, and then incorporate it into every single intimate/romantic relationship for 7+ years, that's a LOT of experience. Not so much with TOOLS, but with communication, trust, and developing an understanding of *self* -- that means needs, fulfillment, etc. Playfully typing up and roleplaying/slapping around as a start, then growing into a relationship with a lot more challenges, limits, fears, and dealing with hurdles are all growing stages of dominance.
There are things all femdoms experience in their learning curve:
* A partner that is ambivalent/confused after the kink ends, and he clams up and won't talk about it
* A partner that says he wants something, then freaks out when it's presented to him, and then later says he does want it again and he just got cold feet. Repeat cycle 5 times.
* Her own guilt at what she did, and the need for re assurance
* Sub drop and how to deal with it
* Reading your partner's mind and prying out the fantasies
* Incorporating underlying elements of kink in daily life to keep him on his toes
* Humiliation without fucking up self esteem
* Scenes going wrong
* Medical issues and worries
I mean..the list is huge. But imagine if you had the choice between a woman who walked those experiences as she matured, consistently, for years - because it's the way she relates romantically with men. Versus a woman who may have had a vast amount of life experience, but really never had a man *helpless* before her until she was 42, and she said "holy shit what I have got myself into" because she's never dealt with anything like that before. It was so much simpler for me, because I was just a teenager and so was he, and our experimenting was light and slow - and it gave me many years to build the intensity while navigating the experiences that can sometimes be very confusing because there's so much raw emotion involved.
I think I was in my second or third time in a bdsm relationship where I ever felt *guilt* - tremendous guilt - and I could not figure it out. It was a roadblock that I had to work through at the time and I had a great partner who helped me figure it out. Another huge learning curve is with men who are confused, delicate, vulnerable, and the way they react is with anger, resentment, ambivalence - holy fucking rollercoaster! Hates kink one day, loves it the next. I'm glad I learned to work through that when I was 21, rather than my age now just starting.
Akasha
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