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Gone too far? - 9/8/2007 10:14:31 PM   
MadEM


Posts: 2
Joined: 9/7/2007
Status: offline 		A good friend of mine for about ten years and I have been in a D/S relationship for a little less than a year.  Lately we've been upping our play from mostly online to a once-twice a month small scenes.  Yet lately he's been asking for more Dominance from me.  Even waking him up with txt messages to do my bidding.

Last night I instant messaged him wanting his participation on something i was working on.  After about 2  hours he messaged back that he was on the phone with a friend.  After another 3 hours I left a message with a mediocre punishment and went to bed.  This morning he noticed my irritation and I admitted to it.  He took offense to it. 

I guess my question is, when working within the limits of your sub or slave, when is too much?
I fear that the lines of friend and dom has blurred for him and he can no longer understand that i am still human and that i will feel jealousy and anger (tho i would never physically take it out on him).  Despite his begging for full time dominance, he wants to pick and choose the times that it applies to him. 
I would really appreciate your thoughts and ideas upon this.  Thank you.

Em
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RE: Gone too far? - 9/8/2007 10:46:06 PM   
RumpusParable


Posts: 1923
Joined: 7/7/2005
From: NYC now!
Status: offline 		If he's a good friend then I'd sit him down and talk to him with the things you said here:  That he's expressed wanting you to up the dominance but in this situation where you did so he did not respond well.  That you have the feeling he wants to pick and choose when you're to dominate him. 

Use the conversation to try and find what you both are really after -and if he even knows what he's really after, it sounds like he may not or may not be expressing himself clearly on it.

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Relationships come and go, but plastination is forever.

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Minimal summary: Artist, Disabled Veteran, Vegan, Pornographer, and Agender dominant female.

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RE: Gone too far? - 9/8/2007 11:23:22 PM   
MistressDolly


Posts: 917
Joined: 8/24/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: MadEM

A good friend of mine for about ten years and I have been in a D/S relationship for a little less than a year.  

Yet lately he's been asking for more Dominance from me.  Even waking him up with txt messages to do my bidding.

Last night I instant messaged him wanting his participation on something i was working on.  After about 2  hours he messaged back that he was on the phone with a friend.  After another 3 hours I left a message with a mediocre punishment and went to bed.  This morning he noticed my irritation and I admitted to it.  He took offense to it. 

I guess my question is, when working within the limits of your sub or slave, when is too much?

Despite his begging for full time dominance, he wants to pick and choose the times that it applies to him. 



His submission could be limited to the bedroom.  (?) 
Consider whether you're service topping a dominant bottom and whether you can be content with same.

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m i s t r e s s d o l l y . c o m

m y s p a c e


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RE: Gone too far? - 9/8/2007 11:40:01 PM   
iammachine


Posts: 1549
Joined: 1/25/2006
Status: offline 		Life happens. Unfortunately, so do conflicts. Sit down and have a chat with him. Express how you feel, preferably using "I" statements like "I feel..." rather than an accusing tone, and see what you can do to hopefully not run into the same kind of problem again. Maybe negotiate the terms of the dynamic you have more clearly, to avoid misunderstandings in the future?

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RE: Gone too far? - 9/9/2007 5:09:46 AM   
BeachMystress


Posts: 2156
Joined: 4/3/2004
From: Naples Island- Long Beach CA - Southern California
Status: offline 		It is common for part time subs to have fantasies about being submissive more often. And when they're in the frenzy of being horny and wanting it, they beg for it and plead and make a great case for themselves. As you've seen though, when they're not horny they don't follow through. I feel it is a case of him really meaning it when he begs for it, but in the context of his overall life, he doesn't want much more than he's already getting. You do need to discuss this with him because it will cause bitterness and frustration on your part. You'll get a much more realistic answer if you do it at a point when he is NOT feeling horny or submissive.

If he truly does want to go further in his submission, then you have to set up rules and guidelines. You are best to write these out so that it is easy for both of you to remember what they are. You could make part of his daily submission being reading the rules twice a day. An important rule for me would be that unless he was on the phone with a family member or work he is to hang up and attend to you when you let him know you wanted him. Certainly there are exceptions, such as a friend with a serious crisis, but in the normal course of things a sub tends to their Dominants needs first.

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Beach Mystress
*Do not threaten the weak. Intimidate the strong. ~ Stevenson*
http://beachmystress.jigsy.com
http://www.flickr.com/photos/beachmystress/

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RE: Gone too far? - 9/9/2007 5:20:45 AM   
Cuckme4Life


Posts: 168
Joined: 7/8/2005
From: MentallyDeranged,Tn.
Status: offline 		One small comment    COMMUNICATE!!!

I think every poster on here is saying pretty much the same thing. 

Not quite sure what his hold up was that particualt situation but a sitdown talk can clear the air and at that time lay down the law on him. Either he is in this for the long haul or he needs to verify he wants a part time role.  Even that said, YOU my Dear are the One in Control. He still needs to respect that.

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"Face Your Fears, Live Your Dreams!"-- Nike Corporation

"I will banish them from my kingdom"--- King Willie Herenton, Memphis Tn. Mayor (choke)

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RE: Gone too far? - 9/9/2007 6:25:11 AM   
TNstepsout


Posts: 1558
Joined: 8/3/2005
Status: offline 		Reading this with interest because, novice that I am, I have already experienced the same thing. Mainly online friends who wanted more, but now I'm getting the same thing with potential subs who aren't following through. (although maybe this is a completely different issue) It's frustrating. I can communicate, but if he's not being honest with me, or possibly himself, how are we going to get anywhere? And if he disappears I'm left to wonder, WTF????

So have any of you experienced ladies had this happen and then succssfully been able to turn the relationship into one that worked? If you got them to open up about what they really wanted what did you generally find was the problem? Is is really just a case of the dick talking?

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RE: Gone too far? - 9/9/2007 6:36:49 AM   
BeachMystress


Posts: 2156
Joined: 4/3/2004
From: Naples Island- Long Beach CA - Southern California
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: TNstepsout
Is is really just a case of the dick talking?

I'm sorry, but it is most often a case of the dick talking. Subs who really want to live BDSM to the extent that many Domme do are as rare as the Domme themselves.

_____________________________

Beach Mystress
*Do not threaten the weak. Intimidate the strong. ~ Stevenson*
http://beachmystress.jigsy.com
http://www.flickr.com/photos/beachmystress/

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RE: Gone too far? - 9/9/2007 6:38:20 AM   
crouchingtigress


Posts: 4387
Joined: 3/19/2006
From: Maui
Status: offline 		this is a fab thread....partailly because you write very well and have described a situation very common in a way that paints a perfect picture and asks a timeless question.


and partly because you ask with innocence, and compassion.


i have to say that i agree with beach mystress she says exactly what would say....and to that i would add....

this thing we do thiggers brain reactions that are similar to drug effects...

we dump endophins , seritonin, addreniline (which has a similar molecular structure to morphine) in to our bodies and basically cruise on the high. when you fist start out you are clumsy and you love the high but are not aware of how to regulate it and to not abuse it


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RE: Gone too far? - 9/9/2007 6:46:39 AM   
Cuckme4Life


Posts: 168
Joined: 7/8/2005
From: MentallyDeranged,Tn.
Status: offline 		I wouldd be just fine to find that Someone to open up to!!

_____________________________

"Face Your Fears, Live Your Dreams!"-- Nike Corporation

"I will banish them from my kingdom"--- King Willie Herenton, Memphis Tn. Mayor (choke)

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RE: Gone too far? - 9/9/2007 7:19:41 AM   
TNstepsout


Posts: 1558
Joined: 8/3/2005
Status: offline 		So is there a stage when you just walk away, and how soon do you give up on someone? I ask because I have been very guilty of giving out mixed signals and not communicating well when I first tiptoed into the lifestyle about two years ago.  It's not that I meant to be dishonest, but for me the whole experience was so incredibly new and different that it was hard to know what I wanted. It seemed to change like the wind. So I feel that I should be patient with others.

But there comes a time, especially as a newbie, that these experiences begin to erode my confidence. I don't want to over react out of my own insecurities, but I don't want to feel taken advantage of either.

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RE: Gone too far? - 9/9/2007 10:05:08 AM   
DivaDuchess


Posts: 402
Joined: 8/17/2006
Status: offline 		YEP ... start with simple conversation.  Always worked for me.  You have a voice, use it.  It may be a simple matter of what he's getting is enough.

Diva

_____________________________

Duchess

Courage is not the absence of Fear,
But rather the judgement that,
Something else is more important than Fear.

The Brave may not live forever,
But the Cautious do not live at all.

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RE: Gone too far? - 9/9/2007 11:12:41 AM   
MsLilac


Posts: 151
Joined: 5/31/2007
Status: offline
Hi there,

Just one thing I want to ask really, what do you want?

Everyone else has pretty much covered all the other angles. It sounds like he is submissive when horny, and not much beyond that, despite what his fantasies tell him. (He could be pretty confused himself by this). Can you abide by this kind of submission? Would it fulfil you?

To address the question you asked: “when working within the limits of your sub or slave, when is too much?”

My answer would be, when it is not working for me.

Sounds like you alone are doing all the hard work. Communicate with him when he is not horny, and go back to the drawing board regarding expectations would be my advice. 
 
Good luck, and hope it works out well for you.

< Message edited by MsLilac -- 9/9/2007 11:14:44 AM >

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RE: Gone too far? - 9/9/2007 1:28:31 PM   
MadEM


Posts: 2
Joined: 9/7/2007
Status: offline 		I must first start by saying a huge thank you to everyone who has replied to this thread.  To have the problem written and in front of me (as few of the details I did provide) was a help in and of itself, but to have the well written well thought out responses have been beyond helpful.  BeachMystress you have reminded me of a very important rule when dealing with men in general, that for some reason I have forgotten myself.  MsLilac I think you've hit the nail on the head so to speak.  As a very important female in my life once told me, "stop helping others.  If you don't do for yourself first, then no one will."  I need to re-evaluate what I want in this relationship and what i'm willing and not willing to do in return.  Once again thank you all for your help.

Em

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