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Am i being selfish?? - 9/9/2007 5:10:50 AM

PleaseTieMeDown

Posts: 17
Joined: 6/21/2007
Status: offline

Greetings all,

A bit of background information...
I (male sub) recently met up with a new Mistress, who i have now seen a few times.
She lives ~2hr drive from me, so when i go up to see her, i have been staying with her for the weekend.
I have spent the weekend with her 4 times now.
She recently also got a new puppy (i mean the four legged type)... adorable big thing.

My Mistress talks about BDSM play quite a lot (as do i), when we are not togther (ie, phone, emails), and there is a lot we want to try.

The problem is that so far, the weekends that i have spent with her has mostly been looking after the puppy.
I have been sitting around a lot, not doing much, while she feeds, looks after, tries to control the puppy. I have tried to offer my services around the house, etc so i can keep busy, but she normally declines.
This weekend just gone, she got out the toys and we had some fun for maybe 1.5hrs... thats for the whole weekend i was there.

While i do enjoy spending time with her (when she isnt looking after the dog), and do really enjoy the limited play time we have had, it hasnt been enough for me to think spending the whole weekend with her has been worth it.... i could have been doing other things.

When i left her to head home this afternoon, i told her a little about how i felt, which she then had very little to say in return.

I am now wondering if i did the right thing telling her how i felt, and if im being selfish....

This is tough for me, as she is my first "real" (i think anyway) Mistress.

Is this what should be expected?
Am i being selfish wanting more play and serious BDSM time?

< Message edited by PleaseTieMeDown -- 9/9/2007 5:12:16 AM >

Post #: 1

RE: Am i being selfish?? - 9/9/2007 5:36:03 AM

ShiftedJewel

Posts: 2492
Joined: 12/2/2004
Status: offline

I'd have to first know how you both decided the weekends together would be spent? Was she aware that she is/was expected to perform every time you came out? If so, then no, it isn't selfish. If that wasn't agreed upon originally and you are upset because real life stepped in and took up some of your time... then yeah, I think it's selfish. I keep hoping that male sub/slaves will eventually look at us female dominants as human beings with lives outside of wiitwd and not just whip holders with tits.

Jewel

_____________________________

Don't ask, trust me, you won't like the answer... no one ever does.

(in reply to PleaseTieMeDown)

Post #: 2

RE: Am i being selfish?? - 9/9/2007 6:08:06 AM

BeachMystress

Posts: 2156
Joined: 4/3/2004
From: Naples Island- Long Beach CA - Southern California
Status: offline

While I understand you being disappointed at not getting your fantasy lived out.. I do think you're being selfish. You are not paying this woman, correct? And frankly, if you're not and are staying at her home, it sounds like there is a bit of dating dynamic going on as you'd be staying at a hotel otherwise. If you want time centering around BDSM rather than a full relationship with BDSM as part of it, go pay a Pro. If you want to serve a Dominant Woman then you deal with the fact that not every second of her life is centered around you or BDSM.

As for why she didn't have much to say, I suspect you've hurt her feelings and may have damaged the relationship. If it were me, it's the last time you'd be staying at my home. Any man who mistakes me as life support for his fetish is quickly shown the door. We're not fetish items here to turn you on or play toys.

_____________________________

Beach Mystress
*Do not threaten the weak. Intimidate the strong. ~ Stevenson*
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(in reply to ShiftedJewel)

Post #: 3

RE: Am i being selfish?? - 9/9/2007 6:11:42 AM

crouchingtigress

Posts: 4387
Joined: 3/19/2006
From: Maui
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this is where communication of expectations would come in handy.

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(in reply to BeachMystress)

Post #: 4

RE: Am i being selfish?? - 9/9/2007 7:41:25 AM

LeatherBentOne

Posts: 469
Joined: 9/27/2005
Status: offline

Selfish? Yep.........you are serving her, not the other way around. She can do whatever she wants with you as long as it is not outside your limits. Why not suggest to her that activities will be negotiated and agreed upon beforehand? But remember, she is running the show here and doesnt owe you an answer. If thats the case, explain your needs to her, not your desires. This will let you know if you and she are compatible.

(in reply to crouchingtigress)

Post #: 5

RE: Am i being selfish?? - 9/9/2007 7:42:24 AM

PleaseTieMeDown

Posts: 17
Joined: 6/21/2007
Status: offline

Thanks for your comments thus far.
Of course we have talked about what we are both interested in, etc, but i guess expectations have never been talked about between us.
Maybe that is the problem.

Actually she just asked me what my expecations are... being the very indecisive guy i am, ill have to think about this long and hard.
Part of me just wants an avg life with some fun BDSM on the side, the other part of me wants something a lot more serious.

She is *very* accomodating in the way of trying to look after her sub's needs... she is very special in that way.
I think im struggling with this the most, i would prefer her to say "this is the way it will be", but she has also said this would be boring for her.

As for the "whip holders with tits" comment, i certainly do not think that... not in the slightest.
She has clearly stated there will never be anything sexual between us, and i am ok with that.

< Message edited by PleaseTieMeDown -- 9/9/2007 7:48:34 AM >

(in reply to crouchingtigress)

Post #: 6

RE: Am i being selfish?? - 9/9/2007 7:45:29 AM

thetammyjo

Posts: 6322
Joined: 9/8/2005
Status: offline

See, I would question the title of Mistress for her in the relationship you've described.

Mistress doesn't equal SM or bondage play but at least when you offer to do some household work I would think she'd take you up on it.

For a lot of people the thrill is in the talk and the fantasy not in the doing. The doing is scary and it requires work from both parties.

I had a slave when I lived in NYC who came in every other weekend from NJ to be with me. While he was there he was serving me not just sitting around like a vanilla boyfriend and I in turn took responsibility to be served as his mistress. Whether it him lugging all the shopping home or cleaning the apartment or SM and bondage or a venture downtown to the dungeons, I took it as part of my role in that dynamic to have things planned. Often this was merely putting off things myself like shopping or cleaning and having something for him to do.

If I had homework (I was in grad school and he was an undergrad) we could sit together and do our work at the same time -- me at the table, him on the floor. These little things reinforced our chosen dynamic.

Just because someone claims a title or a role doesn't mean that they are living that title or role. Even minor things will make a big difference and help maintain things.

So I don't think you are being selfish but you did wait quite while (4 weekends, yes) to bring this up. Now there is a routine and she may be reluctant to change.

I do think you are both not setting up things purposely to be Ds or SM and that will hurt you. You both need to take some time apart and together to set things up so that the weekends are satisfying for both of you.

_____________________________

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Check out my website at http://www.thetammyjo.com Or www.tammyjoeckhart.com

And my LJ where I post fiction in progress if you "friend" me at http://thetammyjo.livejournal.com/

(in reply to PleaseTieMeDown)

Post #: 7

RE: Am i being selfish?? - 9/9/2007 8:55:35 AM

MaamJay

Posts: 2101
Joined: 9/2/2005
Status: offline

It also depends a bit on what the future might possibly hold in terms of what you have discussed. If it's intended to be a play relationship ... or a "newbie introduction to bdsm" relationship ... then maybe you would have some basis to be hoping for a bit more bdsm action. However, if you are trying out as a potential longterm sub, then Her showing that real life will be a part of your ongoing interactions with Her is a fair thing.

I have had My potential 24/7 sub staying with Me again (2nd visit, this one of 2 weeks, more planned) and I have deliberately not done too much "play" because that would set up unreasonable expectations in terms of what O/our future life might be like. Play will happen ... but not all the time. Same with sex. And yes, I have times on the computer and working where she is left to her own devices ... that's how it would be. However, I have had her do domestic tasks for Me, I am working with her on various changes and training routines and W/we've had lots of long talks. I'm trying to make this a realistic experience in every way.

So it seems a talk with your Mistress is in order ... I agree with TammyJo that as of yet, She hasn't really assumed that mantle. And perhaps She will need some encouragement to do so. It can sound great in fantasy to have someone else doing your domestic work for you ... but when it actually happens, it takes a lot to "let go" and allow someone else to do it ... and to feel comfortable with that. Hope you get somewhere when you talk!

Maam Jay aka violet[A]

_____________________________

Life is a song ... and I love singing it! (By me!)

(in reply to thetammyjo)

Post #: 8

RE: Am i being selfish?? - 9/9/2007 9:27:33 AM

FullfigRIMaam

Posts: 718
Joined: 6/21/2007
Status: offline

I agree with the following statements in their entirety.

quote:

ORIGINAL: BeachMystress
You are not paying this woman, correct? And frankly, if you're not and are staying at her home, it sounds like there is a bit of dating dynamic going on as you'd be staying at a hotel otherwise. If you want time centering around BDSM rather than a full relationship with BDSM as part of it, go pay a Pro. If you want to serve a Dominant Woman then you deal with the fact that not every second of her life is centered around you or BDSM.

As for why she didn't have much to say, I suspect you've hurt her feelings and may have damaged the relationship. If it were me, it's the last time you'd be staying at my home. Any man who mistakes me as life support for his fetish is quickly shown the door. We're not fetish items here to turn you on or play toys.

That said, it is possible there isn't enough chemistry/common ground between you two for the relationship to work long term. You can either be a submissive, and submit to her as she is, or find someone who is dominant in the way you find interesting and fun. M

_____________________________

"touching was and still is and will always be the true revolution" Nikki Giovanni
"Love is the only sane and satisfactory answer to the problem of human existence." Erich Fromm

(in reply to BeachMystress)

Post #: 9

RE: Am i being selfish?? - 9/9/2007 10:20:19 AM

MsLilac

Posts: 151
Joined: 5/31/2007
Status: offline

You do seem rather focused on play and your needs, that is how your post came across to me.

Okay, do you have any other common interests besides kink and play? How about walking the dog you seem so jealous of together? Lol. If you don’t like staying in and just ‘chilling out’, then I suggest doing other stuff, how about films? Theatre? Pubs/bars? How do you two get along on a personal level? Do you like spending time together outside of any play? It said a lot to me when you said that you only got 1.5 hours of play out of a whole weekend together, and therefore thought your time was wasted and could have been doing other things. Surely if you actually like this women beyond the play, the time was far from wasted?

Please, correct me if I am wrong, in your post there seemed very little emotion or affection on your part regarding this woman, other then you didn't get what you wanted.

If I were the woman concerned, and going on what you said, then yes, I think you’re selfish. If I thought you were hanging around my house for whole weekends at a time just waiting for a sniff of play, and otherwise showing no interest in me and just doing stuff together, you would be quickly shown the door.

But, you have said nothing of the dynamic you both have. You say she talks a lot about play, maybe she is talking about it to find out kink compatibility, not in the sense of you being on a promise. You need to communicate expectations, are you both looking for something beyond the play?

But be honest with yourself, are you more interested in playing with her, then ‘her’ herself? What is it you like about this woman?

< Message edited by MsLilac -- 9/9/2007 10:24:15 AM >

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Post #: 10

RE: Am i being selfish?? - 9/9/2007 10:20:07 PM

MiladyLily

Posts: 16
Joined: 4/24/2006
Status: offline

this is one of the things i really dislike in a sub...that 'entertain me' thing....as if i had the time or energy for that. yeah, play time can be fun when i have the time. but who has time to play 24/7? frankly, this sounds more like a bottom to me.

(in reply to MsLilac)

Post #: 11

RE: Am i being selfish?? - 9/10/2007 6:55:46 AM

undergroundsea

Posts: 2400
Joined: 6/27/2004
From: Austin, TX
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: PleaseTieMeDown
Am i being selfish wanting more play and serious BDSM time?

I don't think you are necessarily being selfish.

To want more play and serious BDSM time in itself is not selfish. I no longer date vanilla because BDSM is central to my relationship expression. If I am not able to express my D/s role, I would feel unsatisfied. Different people have different needs and recognizing that your needs are not fulfilled in itself is not selfish. If one person in a relationship is unsatisfied, I don't think it serves the relationship to keep the information to self. That you are asking if you are being selfish suggests that you would rather not be selfish. In my opinion, what determines whether or not you are being selfish is how well you are balancing her needs as you state or ponder yours. And what matters is how the conversation is had--are the feelings conveyed more as a demand or complaint, or as a concern or request and asking how she feels about it (I feel like you are not giving me enough BDSM time versus, I would love it if we could engage more in BDSM and I would like to see how you feel about it). A comment as one is exiting usually does not make for a constructive conversation ;-)

Perhaps such a conversation will reveal that she is concerned about being used and wants to see you are interested in her outside of BDSM play, or that she wants enough of a relationship first. Incidentally, I see parallels between a BDSM relationship and a conventional relationship. Without suggesting this scenario is occuring in your case, I do not connect with a position that there will be no BDSM until a relationship is had. Just like in conventional relationship there are smaller activities or expressions of relationship, there are the same in BDSM relationships.

BDSM sometimes modifies general social expectations. With general social expectations, if one travels to another city to visit a relationship partner, it is fair to expect that the relationship partner will spend time with the guest. Your post seems to suggest that she is spending most of the time tending to her puppy and ignoring you. However, I expect this description is likely affected by your perception that you are not getting enough time. I expect you are spending more time together than what your post describes. If you take BDSM out of the picture, do you still feel she is not giving you enough time? That is, do you perceive vanilla time together as non-quality time? If so, your dissatisfaction is not as fair. If not, how you feel is more reasonable.

Here are a few ideas to consider:

The host is always in the flow of everyday life by virtue of being in the everday life scenario. While at the moment the pressures of time and other obligations are more immediate for the host, the visitor is also expending effort by leaving other obligations and making the trip, which is worth something. Still, it is easier for the guest to have free time and be without the pressures of everyday life.

Have you asked her how much time she has for the weekend? Perhaps it is difficult for her to give you the entire weekend but she has not said anything. Perhaps because of the new puppy the present time is not as good for a visit or a full weekend visit.

Are you saturating her with your presence? Can you take things with you (books, computer, hobby or personal project, things you would otherwise do) to allow her her own time as have yours, and to give her room to want more of your time?

Can you shorten your trip? What if instead of the weekend, you go down for a day (arrive Saturday morning, leave Sunday morning) so that both of you know you have limited time and that you will have time for your own activities?

Do you like puppies? Can you participate in the puppy care so that it becomes a joint activity?

I think it is always a good idea to compare notes on how each of you respectively expresses and feels submission and dominance, and a relationship in general. Is the play with the toys interesting to you because of the physical sensation the play creates, or because it is an expression of the D/s roles which can also be had through other means? Your reference to service suggests that you would be fine with other means of expressing the roles.

Our decisions or how we feel about a matter are affected by the balance of rewards (eg, fulfilling BDSM and relationship wants with one to whom one is attracted) and costs (time and energy expended on the visit). BDSM wants are powerful and it is reasonable to say that one is more willing to endure costs because of this greater reward. If this greater reward is not being had, it is reasonable to say the costs will gain grounds for how one feels about the matter. Perhaps ideally a sub can ignore his wants and focus on the domme's wants only. Realistically, a sub has wants and unmet wants create a sense of being unfulfilled. I think a relationship is most healthy when wants of both persons are being addressed. Realistically, how eager and enthusiastic you will be to keep going back for the weekend depends on how much reward you find in the trips. If you are unfulfilled, it is fair and unselfish of you to say you are unfulfilled and this relationship or scenario is not for you.

My two cents.

Cheers,

Sea

< Message edited by undergroundsea -- 9/10/2007 7:00:50 AM >

(in reply to PleaseTieMeDown)

Post #: 12

RE: Am i being selfish?? - 9/10/2007 8:39:15 AM

undergroundsea

Posts: 2400
Joined: 6/27/2004
From: Austin, TX
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: PleaseTieMeDown
She has clearly stated there will never be anything sexual between us, and i am ok with that.

This comment suggests to me neither of you is expecting a romantic relationship here but more one towards play and BDSM alone. Yes?

Cheers,

Sea

< Message edited by undergroundsea -- 9/10/2007 8:44:36 AM >

(in reply to PleaseTieMeDown)

Post #: 13

RE: Am i being selfish?? - 9/10/2007 12:12:28 PM

iammachine

Posts: 1549
Joined: 1/25/2006
Status: offline

quote:

But be honest with yourself, are you more interested in playing with her, then ‘her’ herself? What is it you like about this woman?

My thoughts exactly.

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RE: Am i being selfish?? - 9/10/2007 1:46:14 PM

jennifer819

Posts: 28
Joined: 2/27/2007
Status: offline

If thats how you feel spend less time there when you visit.Or better yet dont go at all.Im sorry i would just be very hurt if someone said that about spending time with me.Its a new relationship so maybe she wants a deeper connection with you first.Or maybe she just doesnt need or want a lot of actual play.If knowing her reasons would help you then ask.But you are there to serve her. Respect her answers even if its not what you want to hear.If you feel she cant offer what you need out of the relationship then move on and find someone who can.That may not be easy as there are many other "do me" subs/slaves looking for more "play"

(in reply to PleaseTieMeDown)

Post #: 15

RE: Am i being selfish?? - 9/10/2007 1:58:14 PM

MissMagnolia

Posts: 3636
Status: offline

Yes, you are. As pointed out very clearly, you should have no expectations whatsoever. Sexual or not, she isn't there to satisfy you, you are there to satisfy HER, in whatever manner she chooses. If you want playtime, go find someone who has the time and/or the inclination, or pay someone to perform.

Also, apart from the puppy, you don't know what else is going on in her life. Her mind may be on other things.

Personally, there is many a time I see one of my slaves and there is little or no "play" at all. Given that there are vast quantities of subs/slaves and few (by comparison) dominants, I'd count myself lucky I had a Mistress at all, if I were you.

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Post #: 16

RE: Am i being selfish?? - 9/10/2007 2:08:08 PM

MistressSassy66

Posts: 1675
Joined: 11/5/2004
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Private life,not the Pro side...
I have had submissives just sit around and I have had them work.
If I felt like it they would get some 'dungeon' time.
Staying in My home is saving them money in hotel fees,they should appreciate that
whether is a sexual relationship or not.

I also dont think submissives should ask what they can do,just do it.
Like dishes in the sink dont ask if I want them washed...hello of course I do...just do them.

Being the nice type of person that I am,I would explain the above point of view.
I can understand why She may not have wanted to talk right then though.

Are you being selfisf...its possible.

_____________________________

Mistress Sassy

http://www.mistresssassy.com

In the Immortal Words of Bob....Fuck the dumb shit.

"I love you not only for what you are,But for what I am when I'm with you."- Opening line from a poem by Roy Croft

(in reply to iammachine)

Post #: 17

RE: Am i being selfish?? - 9/10/2007 10:12:05 PM

MasterFireMaam

Posts: 5587
Joined: 3/1/2006
From: Charleston, WV
Status: offline

You're an adult entering into an adult relationship. In healthy relationships, we talk about our feelings. If she's not meeting your needs (or you hers), the two of you might not be a match.

Master Fire

_____________________________

The power of who we are can be intoxicating. The power of who we could be is humbling.
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Ms Relationship Books
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BDSM How-To Books

(in reply to PleaseTieMeDown)

Post #: 18

RE: Am i being selfish?? - 9/11/2007 12:08:50 PM

MizzElle

Posts: 82
Joined: 8/9/2007
Status: offline

It sounds to me like you two have different ideas or expectations about the relationship. I think communicating what are your wants and needs, as a Dom/me is very important, so that if they do not match up with those of the sub, then there is no time wasting on either side. I suggest a sit-down, face to face, conversation where you both express what you are expecting and willing to do.

(in reply to MasterFireMaam)

Post #: 19

RE: Am i being selfish?? - 9/11/2007 12:57:28 PM

YourhandMyAss

Posts: 5516
Joined: 6/25/2006
From: Sacramento
Status: offline

you come across as, if you're not getting played with it's not worth going down to see her. And to me it's what it's implying, so yeah, your being selfish. If you like someone it's time well spent to be with them, even if you do not play. And the puppies new, of course it's going to take up time and of course she's gonna have to focus on it.

quote:

ORIGINAL: PleaseTieMeDown

I have spent the weekend with her 4 times now.
She recently also got a new puppy (i mean the four legged type)... adorable big thing.

The problem is that so far, the weekends that i have spent with her has mostly been looking after the puppy.

I have been sitting around a lot, not doing much, while she feeds, looks after, tries to control the puppy. I have tried to offer my services around the house, etc so i can keep busy, but she normally declines.

This weekend just gone, she got out the toys and we had some fun for maybe 1.5hrs... thats for the whole weekend i was there.

While i do enjoy spending time with her (when she isnt looking after the dog), and do really enjoy the limited play time we have had, it hasnt been enough for me to think spending the whole weekend with her has been worth it.... i could have been doing other things.

When i left her to head home this afternoon, i told her a little about how i felt, which she then had very little to say in return.

I am now wondering if i did the right thing telling her how i felt, and if im being selfish....

This is tough for me, as she is my first "real" (i think anyway) Mistress.

Is this what should be expected?
Am i being selfish wanting more play and serious BDSM time?

(in reply to PleaseTieMeDown)

Post #: 20

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