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How to stop protecting him - 9/9/2007 12:28:00 PM

BoundDragon

Posts: 265
Joined: 3/20/2007
Status: offline

I have spent most of my teenage & then adult life protecting people around me from my problems... anyone I let into the truth on how much was going on & how much I was hurting seemed to run a mile .
I dont even let my parents see me shed a tear anymore as they have enough problems of their own to deal with... that and then they cant let me down by keeping their distance.

Since I have been with my man he is trying to get me to let go of all that and let him in.... I am petrified it will scare him off.

I have managed it to some extent but still dont like making him worried or upset about what I'm going through so when he founds out I've had a bad day (either in pain or in tears) he gets quite annoyed.... I just cant help it, I have learnt to hide it to protect everyone around me.

I trust him implicitely but sometimes I still cant help it.... has anyone else learnt how to go of a behaviour like that?? How did you manage it?

Post #: 1

RE: How to stop protecting him - 9/9/2007 12:39:50 PM

pinkme2

Posts: 236
Joined: 8/17/2007
Status: offline

I'm completely that way, and so far I haven't opened up to really anyone. I don't know, but I'd love to have a Master who is able to do that.

(in reply to BoundDragon)

Post #: 2

RE: How to stop protecting him - 9/9/2007 1:52:01 PM

glassdoll

Posts: 131
Joined: 4/24/2005
Status: offline

The issue boils down to trust. If you trust him, let go. Emotions hurt, emotions maim, emotions paralyze. If you two entend on creating a world together, emotion is just part of the daily. Let it out. It'll turn out better in the long run, as you two will know more of eachother, creating a closer bond.

(in reply to BoundDragon)

Post #: 3

RE: How to stop protecting him - 9/9/2007 6:25:56 PM

Littlepita

Posts: 1430
Joined: 10/6/2005
Status: offline

I have a hard time sharing myself when I'm having a really bad day emotionally or even if I'm in pain. He doesn't like me to try to control things, and I'm slowly learning that good things happen when I do share with him. It's hard though and you have to make a real conscious decision to let go of your feelings and give them over to him. He owns those as much as any other part of you. Right?

_____________________________

“I, with a deeper instinct, choose a man who compels my strength, who makes enormous demands on me, who does not doubt my courage or my toughness, who does not believe me naive or innocent, who has the courage to treat me like a woman.” – Anais Nin

(in reply to glassdoll)

Post #: 4

RE: How to stop protecting him - 9/9/2007 6:27:18 PM

RRafe

Posts: 2060
Joined: 8/29/2007
Status: offline

Sighs....it's very hard for me as well......trust?

_____________________________

I seem to be some wierd combination of Ren and Stimpy

(in reply to BoundDragon)

Post #: 5

RE: How to stop protecting him - 9/9/2007 6:56:29 PM

LuckyAlbatross

Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline

I think your petrifying feeling is half just an avoidance of dealing with the actual issue- your insecurity about appearing weak/unable to help others. So is you after-guilt that you "made him" worry. Honey- that's what being a dom IS ABOUT when you get into that sort of personal relationship. You aren't MAKING him worry any more than he is MAKING you worry about him leaving.

As long as you are being honest with yourself and honestly working on the direct issue here, then you are doing what you can. If he doesn't think that's enough- that's his choice to make and it sucks, but not to do with you.

Try small things every day to open up about. Just a little thing every day or so that you normally would hold back. See what happens.

Your loved ones deserve to have the gift of helping you as much as you do for them.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to RRafe)

Post #: 6

RE: How to stop protecting him - 9/9/2007 7:37:49 PM

Petronius

Posts: 289
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline

I've never been put off by anything somebody has told me in, near, or around relationships.

I have been repeatedly put off by a dithering about whether I should or should not be told something based on whether I will or will not get upset.

In fact it has happened enough that my guard goes up the first time I hear or see or experience it. That doesn't mean I act on my caution; I don't then.

Every beginning relationship runs into a strange or dull or wasted evening where things planned -- like communication -- don't come off. That's a norm. I don't hold it against people and I hope they don't hold my side against me.

The second time it happens I'm really guarded.

The third time it happens moves me out the door because I'm looking for somebody to go to the movies with, and eat out with, and explore museums and art galleries with, and I've found somebody who's looking for somebody to listen to her endlessly dither.

Put another way, I've never gotten upset because somebody shat. Nor have I ever gotten upset because they got off the pot. My problems have always been with the people who asked "Do I shit or get off the pot? Get off the pot or shit? Vacate the lavatory or defecate? Shit or ....?"

Of course YMMV.

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)

Post #: 7

RE: How to stop protecting him - 9/9/2007 8:10:43 PM

arayofsunshine55

Posts: 545
Joined: 8/1/2004
From: San Francisco, CA
Status: offline

If you think of this differently you may not cling to the behavior. Sounds to me like the person you are really protecting is yourself. Not allowing your parents to let you down by not sharing with them. How you feel when your partner worries. Your fear of him be able to handle things and being scared off. It's not altruistic, which is fine., own that But often at the base of taking care of others is often something about what we are doing for ourself. And I think it's important to face and honor that. And maybe with that you can give some of it up.

What if you decided you could live through others' worry. And their disappointment. And their disgust. What if you stopped trying to manage their emotions and let them be fully human with you? How might they surprise you? How might you learn some things? How might you find the support you actually need at times?

Your protection of yourself is only good for you in the short run. In the long run it creates distance from those you love. ANd it robs them of opportunities for greater intimacy.

What do you do? Well the next time you have a bad day determine that you will tell him about it. the next time he knows something is wrong and asks you what you dont say "oh nothing". Moment by moment. Time by time. You open your mouth and you share yourself and you speak your truth. And you let them in.

_____________________________

Sunshine

Is it not most transformative, most earthshaking, to pierce the veils of self-deception and illusion, and crack the eggshell of ignorance, to most intimately encounter oneself? Lama Surya Das

(in reply to BoundDragon)

Post #: 8

RE: How to stop protecting him - 9/9/2007 9:45:41 PM

celticlord2112

Posts: 5732
Status: offline

You're not protecting "him", you're protecting yourself. To state otherwise is being fundamentally dishonest with yourself.

Until you are honest with yourself about such things, you will never be able to be honest with anyone else.

_____________________________

(in reply to BoundDragon)

Post #: 9

RE: How to stop protecting him - 9/9/2007 10:23:41 PM

CatKnight

Posts: 37
Joined: 8/31/2007
Status: offline

I'd say celticlord is being harsh...but honest with you. You're not protecting him. You're scared if he finds out about these shadows lurking in your soul, he'll not be able to tolerate it.

Now here's the thing, Bounddragon. I know you won't believe me. I know your instinct will tell you either I'm lying, deluded or don't understand, but try to listen to me anyway. I think your dom's made of sterner stuff than you think. I don't think he'll run away.

It sounds like your dom really cares about you. Count yourself very, very lucky.

Bound, I understand where you're coming from. Believe me, I do. I have my own things I'm very ashamed of and hurt by. I have emotional scars that sometimes seem too deep to ever cover over, let alone heal. I strongly suspect anyone over a certain age who's even tried to live could say the same. Personally, I learned early to distrust and avoid people and lived nearly thirty-seven very lonely years finally convincing myself that it was alright.

Then I met 'the one.' She introduced me to ...well, this, and it wasn't that long before I let her top me for the first time. I simply knew I could trust her. I knew if I simply had faith in her, all would be well. It was an enormous feeling of peace and serenity.

And yet, despite 'trusting' her with a fairly major act - rendering me helpless and doing what she wanted - I found that was child's play to trusting her with my darkest horrors, the scars of terrible emotional battles, the things that kept me up late at night with a tear in my eye knowing that if she ever found out...it was over. I make no pretense about trying to protect her. I was terrified.

Then my demons surfaced. I won't go into details on a public board - suffice to say hiding from it was no longer possible and I waited for her to be repulsed, disgusted, angry, something. I told her that if she couldn't live with it, I'd understand, even as my heart quietly exploded into a thousand shards.

She pulled me in her arms and told me it was all right.

From your tone, I suspect your dom will do the same. I suspect you love him, and if he's annoyed you won't share, then he obviously cares too. Trust that. Trust HIM.

Love isn't about BDSM (or vanilla for that matter.) It isn't about learning how to submit, or even learning how to lead. It IS about serving the wants and needs of your life partner. It IS about learning how to share your sorrow and pain, simply because no one said you had to fight your battles alone anymore. Personally, I was so busy reassuring her that she was no longer alone, that I'd forgotten I wasn't either.

Love is about accepting your partner for who they are, warts, emotional screwups, horrible past and all. Trust your man to know this. Let him in. Let him heal you.

If my relationship (and aspects of this activity) has taught me anything, it's the value of communication and trust. I'm so much stronger, so much BETTER since meeting my fiance, and so much of that is because she accepts me - and because if I have a problem, or something bothers me, or I just need to be held, I can go to her - and vice versa.

The second time I asked if she wanted to leave due to what happened - we talked. When I was confused about our roles and what we wanted - we talked. When she was confused about what to do with certain snares in her life - we talked and I 'dommed' long enough to have a conversation with her mom she dreaded. You may be his sub, but if this IS an emotional attachment, then you are also his teammate.

He needs to know about those secret sorrows of yours - 'cause some day he might be the one in trouble, and he might want to come to you. If that trust and communication isn't in place...he might not, and you both will be weaker for it.

(in reply to celticlord2112)

Post #: 10

RE: How to stop protecting him - 9/9/2007 10:46:05 PM

iammachine

Posts: 1549
Joined: 1/25/2006
Status: offline

Lots and lots of practice. Lots of feeling uncomfortable. Part of trusting someone, is trusting them enough to allow yourself to feel vulnerable. It's really hard and it really sucks. Just keep at it, and try to keep things in perspective.

Don't allow yourself to make your insecurities into a self fulfilling prophecy by pushing the person away. Letting your guard down isn't going to be catastrophic if you recognize what you are feeling simply for what it is. It's scary, but the more you practice, the easier it gets, and the better equipped you will be for dealing with your experience (as opposed to letting it overwhelm you).

_____________________________

I still hear you scream... in every breath, every single motion

(in reply to BoundDragon)

Post #: 11

RE: How to stop protecting him - 9/9/2007 11:15:14 PM

MstrSkyWoIf

Posts: 238
Joined: 10/26/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: BoundDragon

I have spent most of my teenage & then adult life protecting people around me from my problems... anyone I let into the truth on how much was going on & how much I was hurting seemed to run a mile .
I dont even let my parents see me shed a tear anymore as they have enough problems of their own to deal with... that and then they cant let me down by keeping their distance.

Since I have been with my man he is trying to get me to let go of all that and let him in.... I am petrified it will scare him off.

I have managed it to some extent but still dont like making him worried or upset about what I'm going through so when he founds out I've had a bad day (either in pain or in tears) he gets quite annoyed.... I just cant help it, I have learnt to hide it to protect everyone around me.

I trust him implicitely but sometimes I still cant help it.... has anyone else learnt how to go of a behaviour like that?? How did you manage it?

You have to ask yourself if it can scare him off is he someone you want to put your trust in?

_____________________________

this is just my opinion, I do not claim to be an expert on life. I am just Me, Love me or Hate me I really don't care. I am the culmination of my life's experiences. I am an ever changing block of clay molded by life's experiences on a daily basis.

(in reply to BoundDragon)

Post #: 12

RE: How to stop protecting him - 9/9/2007 11:16:58 PM

MstrSkyWoIf

Posts: 238
Joined: 10/26/2005
Status: offline

oops

< Message edited by MstrSkyWoIf -- 9/9/2007 11:17:41 PM >

_____________________________

this is just my opinion, I do not claim to be an expert on life. I am just Me, Love me or Hate me I really don't care. I am the culmination of my life's experiences. I am an ever changing block of clay molded by life's experiences on a daily basis.

(in reply to BoundDragon)

Post #: 13

RE: How to stop protecting him - 9/10/2007 3:39:58 AM

WillowRain

Posts: 191
Joined: 6/18/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: BoundDragon

I have spent most of my teenage & then adult life protecting people around me from my problems... anyone I let into the truth on how much was going on & how much I was hurting seemed to run a mile .
I dont even let my parents see me shed a tear anymore as they have enough problems of their own to deal with... that and then they cant let me down by keeping their distance.

Since I have been with my man he is trying to get me to let go of all that and let him in.... I am petrified it will scare him off.

I have managed it to some extent but still dont like making him worried or upset about what I'm going through so when he founds out I've had a bad day (either in pain or in tears) he gets quite annoyed.... I just cant help it, I have learnt to hide it to protect everyone around me.

I trust him implicitely but sometimes I still cant help it.... has anyone else learnt how to go of a behaviour like that?? How did you manage it?

You might consider finding a really good kink friendly counceler. Learning that it is safe to share how you feel with others doesn't need to be something that you only work on in that one relationsihp. If you chooose a counceler/psychologist/phsychotherapist to work with then you have a less charged relationship in which to practice the new skills that you want to work on. Good luck in your journey!

(in reply to BoundDragon)

Post #: 14

RE: How to stop protecting him - 9/10/2007 3:54:16 AM

littlebitxxx

Posts: 732
Status: offline

I think trusting him implicitly is your biggest asset to working this out. Trust that you can be open to him, be vulnerable at times and trust...know...that he won't run away or use the issue against you. I've also always been the protector, the stoic unemotional one that everybody else turns to. But I have found in my Jarl somebody that I can now turn to when I need him. I also trust him implicitly which means I know I can open myself to him, show my weaknesses and vulnerabilities and insecurities and he will accept all of them and still love me for me. Bound, it is such a freeing feeling to be with someone that you can let go with, to just let your hair down and "be". It's like a huge weight lifted from the shoulders that you just don't have to carry alone anymore. And the consoling, supportive hugs you get are the greatest!

Another way of looking at it, from a hardcore M/s point of view: by you "protecting" your Dom by withholding from him, you are being secretive and controlling in a way. You are controlling his reactions and behaviours by controlling the situation with yours. Sorta like topping from the bottom. You could actually be manipulating him by not allowing him to see when you are down or sad or angry. Be true and honest to yourself, be true and honest with him.

IMHO,
sage

_____________________________

There is no such thing as can't unless it is followed by yet

It is the meaningless little acts that become meaningful in the doing.

The people that mind don't matter and the people that matter don't mind.

(in reply to WillowRain)

Post #: 15

RE: How to stop protecting him - 9/10/2007 6:30:00 AM

Celeste43

Posts: 3066
Joined: 2/4/2006
From: NYS
Status: offline

You're protecting yourself from rejection that you have learned comes from trying to lean on others. And at the same time, you don't want to add more stress if he is already under a lot of it, partly for his sake but mostly for fear that he'll decide you are too much trouble.

You were taught not to lean on others early on. What you don't say is how long you have been in this relationship. Because having taken years to get you to this point of never asking for help, it will take years to unlearn. So if you've only been with him a few months, then his expectations are inflated.

One concrete thing that does help is if he holds you while you talk to him. You might practice asking for a hug and then staying in his arms for a long time. It is easier to ask for nonverbal reassurance than verbal. Once you've learned that he won't just push you away 10 seconds later, you might share that you had a bad day. And then wait for him to ask about it. By breaking it down into steps, you aren't risking so much and thus it becomes easier to do.

(in reply to littlebitxxx)

Post #: 16

RE: How to stop protecting him - 9/10/2007 7:31:23 AM

kikinymph

Posts: 40
Joined: 8/19/2007
Status: offline

Communication is key--but if you are having a problem with Oral communication (speaking) then start a journal. Keep it with you at all times, and when you have a moment, start jotting away about your day. If it's bad, then he'll know about it..if it's good, then he'll know that too. In this way, there is a bit of distance between the you and the telling. Then he can come to you with discussion about what you've written...and you can talk about the problems, after you've already told him! OH, yeah, it works for me too lol.

Kiki

_____________________________

"That which yields is not always weak." Kushiel series by Jacqueline Carey

(in reply to Celeste43)

Post #: 17

RE: How to stop protecting him - 9/10/2007 7:35:03 AM

Babybass

Posts: 230
Joined: 7/30/2007
Status: offline

I had to make a very conscious decision to share my deepest thoughts and insecurities with my Master. I always trusted Him but sharing so much of myself was a very big step for me. Once I made that decision and shared for the first time I went through a few hours of hell thinking that He would hate me for the thoughts i had and he would see me as being too insecure and damaged. I was protecting myself as I didn't want to feel his rejection. I shared by way of a journal (which i now email to him daily). His reply was that he loved every part of me and he wanted to know everything that was in my heart and soul. I still need reassurance that he really means it from time to time - when i feel like my 'crazy' is out of control and i could not possibly share it but He always tells me that if it is something i have thought or felt that he wants to know - it makes him love me more that i can be so vunerable with Him.
I am not saying that it is easy - but the first step is always the hardest - if you can make a decision to share you may find it will open up a great resource to you - i find it very helpful to email Master my thoughts and feelings each day - I know that anything i say in that is ok and that he accepts it as part of me. Just sharing your darkest thoughts often helps!

_____________________________

"To be nobody but yourself in a world which is doing its best day and night to make you like everybody else means to fight the hardest battle which any human being can fight and never stop fighting" - e e cummings

(in reply to Celeste43)

Post #: 18

RE: How to stop protecting him - 9/10/2007 7:36:56 AM

mmb1

Posts: 304
Joined: 8/3/2007
Status: offline

I believe she will learn in time.............it's very difficult to change a lifetime of behavior patterns, it's like rearranging your whole personality, it takes a lot of time, one step at a time:) Good luck to you :)

(in reply to kikinymph)

Post #: 19

RE: How to stop protecting him - 9/10/2007 12:47:16 PM

BoundDragon

Posts: 265
Joined: 3/20/2007
Status: offline

All I can say is wow... I never expected so many people come forward with their thoughts on this.... I would like to comment on each personally but I dont know where to start.

I must say that I think I agree with every single one of you and (dare I admit it) even been in silent tears reading a few of these.

I have been with him nearly a year and have already started to open up to him more than any other. He knows more about me and my past than even my parents do BUT its the day to day hurts & pains I seem to "put a brave face on" so to speak.

Yes its true I dont like being seen as vulnerable... I also hate thinking that someone would reguard me as a liability. After past relationships turned sour (and my problems were blamed) I decided to try and be "perfect"... cooks, cleans... doesnt mind the lads round for beers never giving any grief etc etc
But then my last relationship bombed too still blaming my illness etc & I learnt that this tactic didnt work either. To be honest I had pretty much decided to shut up shop and never let anyone in again... but then he got under my skin... We grew closer, I confided in him and agreed to give it a go.
I am happier and certainly more free now than I have ever been.... I so want to break this final barrier but I seem to do it without even realising.

I trust him & want to lean on him when I hurt but for some reason I just struggle to even know I'm doing it sometimes.

Yes I do love him with all my heart.... I know I can trust him... and he has even said some things similar to what you guys have written.

Its a battle I'm determined to win.

Thank you all... I love reading your responses.... they are so raw, so passionate, so very very honest.

I really respect the ability to be honest with someone & appreciate it eternally

< Message edited by BoundDragon -- 9/10/2007 12:51:13 PM >

(in reply to mmb1)

Post #: 20

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