RE: Nosy Friends

RE: Nosy Friends (Full Version)

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glassdoll -> RE: Nosy Friends (9/10/2007 1:16:14 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Dom87110 quote: ORIGINAL: came4U Tell her simply, there are 3 things you won't tolerate being interrogated on. She is talking abour her closest friend - not the Viet Cong POW/concentration camp commander. I love it !you are the first person to make me laugh today(Night, actually), Dom. To the point of the matter: Why don't you do the reverse and start asking equally uncomfortable questions when she starts with hers? Maybe ask why she's gained over 40 lbs in 20 years? Ask why she just let herself go so easliy after marriage? You get the picture. Maybe start questioning about her current salary and why some with a _____ degree doesn't get paid more than someone who manages a Burger King?Most likely she will get the picture and shut up. Or never speak with you again. Just don't be too blithe.

Celeste43 -> RE: Nosy Friends (9/10/2007 3:30:14 PM)
I agree with asking her why she's asking these questions of you. More, ask if she's interested in learning about this in general or using you for her own porn fantasies or to be able to leave congratulating herself in being so much more 'normal' than you. And insist on an answer. Because she knows already that what she's doing is wrong if she's doing it to feel superior or to get herself off. If there's real curiosity, then tell her you don't kiss and tell but you will give her the names of books and websites where she can explore further. Beyond this comes the old Ann Landers line. "I'll forgive you asking that if you'll forgive me not answering". It tells the other person immediately that they are out of line.

duckfoot -> RE: Nosy Friends (9/10/2007 3:41:29 PM)
One time a friend told me that a woman I know professionally was inquring as to my sexual preference, as she had somehow guessed that I am bi. Maybe she caught me checking her out ... she's hot as hell. At any rate, when my friend told me she asked if I like women my reaction was, "Do you think she wants to go out with me?" :-D The point is that if it were a friend of mine I would assume she keeps asking because she wants to experience it. I'd just ask her point blank with a wicked smile, "You want me to show you?"

kossack -> RE: Nosy Friends (9/10/2007 3:44:25 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: AAkasha Maybe the question is why are you so uncomfortable talking about your intimacies with your best friend of 20 years? This is obviously just a matter of personal preference, but I think women generally, when they are "closest" friends do talk about just about everything; but sometimes, they use more careful language about it. I have a very close friend who is totally vanilla and when we talk about our sex lives we just are generally a little more vague about it but still convey the same information; I have other girlfriends where they are comfortable hearing about it in more blunt terms. When girlfriends talk about this stuff, it's generally in support of each other or as they are discussing their problems or challenges (or breakthroughs), but not for tantalizing or arousing "details." Do you feel offended? Ashamed? Shy? Do you feel you cannot trust her? Do you question her motives? Are her questions too blunt and inappropriate? Perhaps there are close woman-woman relationship that do not have an open, frank line of communication about what happens in the bedroom. I don't think, for example, it's uncommon for a vanilla girlfriend to ask another vanilla girlfriend if she has tried anal sex, and did it work for her. If they are close friends. Maybe I'm wrong. Do you have sisters? Maybe that plays a part of it too; I'm used to sharing intimate details with my sister as much as she wants to know (but she generally doesn't care about the kink so much once she got past the general questions). Akasha I have several girlfriends that I'm not nearly as close to that I'm much more comfortable talking about this with, but they are all more sophisticated sexually. After a hint one said "Oh, I love scarves" with a clear indication that someone would be tied up, and another friend turned out to be kinky like me. With this friend it is a combination of things: she doesn't respect it. She would NEVER come out and say it, but she doesn't respect it, and I can tell. Her questions have the tiniest bit of feminist or puritanical guilt to them (I'm really not sure which). She really didn't care for my ex, and she chalked it up to wiitwd. Furthermore, she's been married and I haven't, so she is an 'expert' on relationships and I'm not, and that comes clear in how she ranks my choices. (This is all super subtle, but I don't think I'm imagining because she is the only friend I get that hit off of.) The other thing, is she is explicit. I don't want to talk about bodily fluids, or what verb or adjective is best to describe what body parts. With my friends I'm comfortable with, I might mention how he grabbed my hair, but that is about as explicit as I think I would get. I'm happy talking about emotions or conversations, but not about the details of sex--give me a soft-focus lens there, please! As to the other question: maybe I'm wrong, but I think it is harder for liberals who are male dom/female sub and conservatives who are female dom/male sub to come out about these things. I expect that whichever way you are trying to make society change, you wouldn't want to be seen to be reinforcing that in your private life.

AquaticSub -> RE: Nosy Friends (9/10/2007 4:39:00 PM)
With the new information you supplied, I would just hand her a copy of "When Someone You Love is Kinky". Then I would tell her that if she had any more questions the answers can be found in that book and the books suggested there. All she needs to know about me is that I'm happy and not being abused. Any further questioning will cause me to severely reconsider my friendship with her.

musikman1 -> RE: Nosy Friends - possible solution (10/10/2007 4:59:56 AM)
I agree with TMO2, and will possibly take it a step further.. If you are uncomfortable discussing anything that you consider exceedingly private and "not for sale," so to speak, perhaps you know someone that is more open and uninhibited that you could refer this person. It's obvious (at least to me) that she isn't interested in your specific activities per se, but rather trying to "stretch her wings" a touch by get information from someone she trusts and respects. The fact that you aren't comfortable in the discussion is not bad, wrong or "uncool." Everyone has their own "line" where they will discuss anything on one side, but not the other. But possibly you could question her about her interests in "non-vanilla" activity, explaining to her that you don't feel comfortable talking outside of the bedroom, BUT you do have a friend that is MUCH kinkier than you (our "friends" are ALWAYS "kinkier" when we do a referral - grin) that can possibly satisfy her curiosity more to her satisfaction. This might possibly have a side benefit, in that you and she can now discuss THE activities (as suggested by the third party) rather than YOUR activities. You may or may not be more comfortable in that sort of setting, I won't hazard a guess for you. But, it's something to consider, AND it's worth TWICE what you paid for it! (smile)

LASub4Real -> RE: Nosy Friends (10/10/2007 7:52:17 PM)
quote: My closest friend knows I'm "not vanilla" but she doesn't really know what that means--she asked once if she was on top once with her husband, does that mean she wasn't vanilla also? I think that's a natural reaction. People are tremendously curious about sex. If you tell her that you're doing something interesting (that most other people aren't doing) then eventually she's going to want to know what it is. I mean you don't ask her about her vanilla sex life, but perhaps you might if she claimed she was sleeping with a martian. It's just hard to half tell somebody something. It seems that with most friends, you must eventually tell all, or if you value your privacy, then keep it to yourself altogether. LA

lonlyrossInNeed -> RE: Nosy Friends (10/11/2007 3:38:12 PM)
i agree with this puppy quote: ORIGINAL: AquaticSub If you just never want to talk about your sex life, tell her as politely as possible that your sex life is simply not up as a topic of discussion. If she persists, try telling her that you just don't want to be around her if she can't respect this. Or, if you would feel comfortable talking about your sex life if she shared hers, tell her that you just don't want to be the only one sharing. On one hand, she may be just rude and ignoring that you don't want to share private details of your life. On the other hand, she may be seeking information and currently you are her only source. If you are comfortable, you might want to try asking her why she wants to know. Maybe tell her that you don't want to share the details of your life, but you could always point her in the direction of good reading materials, like When Someone You Love is Kinky or SM 101. Of course, other books and resources exist but those are the ones that come to mind. I hope this was helpful in some way and good luck!

obis -> RE: Nosy Friends (10/11/2007 6:39:30 PM)
I confess I'm having trouble wrapping my head around being unwilling to discuss something with my best friend of 20 years (or having my best friend harass me on a topic I've repeatedly said is off-limits), but I tend to agree with those that endorse asking her "what is it that you actually want to know?" It's doubtful that suddenly your sex life is a fascinating topic if you've never discussed it before -- is this her way of trying to talk to you about her own sexual issues? Is she bored in her marriage and thus she wants to get ideas to spice things up? Is she trying to live vicariously? Is she discovering she's kinky and wants reassurance that she's not a bad person? There's so much possibly going on with a best friend in this kind of situation. be her friend, but set your boundaries and enforce them if you feel like you need to have some with her.

lilrissa -> RE: Nosy Friends (10/12/2007 6:24:33 PM)
had to post to this one. i was at work once on a previous job and was reading The Story of O for 100th time. A girl in the office who was as vanilla as one could be wanted to know what i was reading. i said it was something she wouldn't understand. she grabbed the book to see what the back of the cover read and looked stunned which is what got the whole conversation rolling. she didn't get it. she came in the next day and said, ok so i told joe to take out the garbage this morning, so that means i am a dominant right? i said no honey, your a demanding housewife, that is all lol she badgered me for days to explain what vanilla was, what a slave is, why i would be that and so on. Since her i have been asked that many times. Most of the time vanilla are only curious as to how erotic my sex life is. I can't seem to get them to understand IT'S NOT ABOUT SEX. i have no issue in explaining who i am. why i am this way, is because God made me this way. nothing more and nothing less. I don't advertise it to those not in the life, but i do try to educate them on it to make a few more in the world not look at me funny lol

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