Being put at ease so you can communicate easier?

Being put at ease so you can communicate easier? (Full Version)

All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> Ask a Mistress

Message

blackpearl81 -> Being put at ease so you can communicate easier? (9/9/2007 7:55:44 PM)
I understand that communication is an essential part of any successful couple... whether it be a vanilla, or a BDSM enhanced relationship. (I'm trying not to slap labels on stuff, but sometimes you can't help it lol ) The lack of communication would have its effect on the relationship as a whole, although more so with BDSM (unclear boundaries/limits, whats expected of the 2 people involved, are just a few examples) My question is, what have some Dom/mes done, (whether physically or psychologically) to make it easier for the submissive to communicate with (or to) You? Just to clarify: "physically" can be just about anything - the environment (a coffee house, Your home (or Your submissives home if the relationship isn't a "live in" situation) while going for a walk, etc. etc "psychologically" can be just about anything as well - an intimate moment (ie: while the sub may be bathing the Dom/me) the moment after a scene, or whenever they both have a time to reflect, etc. (I'm hoping I was able to explain the above well) I ask because I've always had a very hard time talking about personal stuff - probably because I've never been around someone that made me feel at ease enough to openly talk about how I felt about certain things, or just my all around thoughts. When I HAVE been around someone that I can communicate with, I can never seem to figure out what I'd like to say... or, I know what I want to say, I just can't word/phrase it properly... Thank you in advance for Your replies. V. P.S - Unfortunately, 5 am is going to come very early for me, so I wont be able to reply back. Please do not think that I did a "forum drive by" - I will definitely check back tommorow.

BeachMystress -> RE: Being put at ease so you can communicate easier? (9/10/2007 12:42:24 PM)
I ask pointed questions. When someone is unused to talking about things that could be embarrassing it is hard for them. When the pointed questions finally bear fruit, I express approval of the sharing and often about the idea they express. A response from the woman of "Oh cool! I've done/would like to do that" can go a long way to letting them know she isn't going to laugh at them. It's a form of trust. You don't expect full disclosure from someone you've just met. A little bit is shared and when that is well received and not used against them, they will share more. Confidences shared are NEVER to be used in a fight or when angry with someone. A good way to destroy your relationship is to take something you know about the sub, such as a desire to crossdress, and pull it out in a vicious way. "Oh yeah? Well I'm not the freak who wants to wear women's clothes, you asshole." is a sure way to kill trust. Don't expect him to ever share his innermost feelings again because you've proven you're not to be trusted. This is true in a nilla relationship also.

blackpearl81 -> RE: Being put at ease so you can communicate easier? (9/10/2007 2:42:41 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: BeachMystress I ask pointed questions. When someone is unused to talking about things that could be embarrassing it is hard for them. When the pointed questions finally bear fruit, I express approval of the sharing and often about the idea they express. A response from the woman of "Oh cool! I've done/would like to do that" can go a long way to letting them know she isn't going to laugh at them. It's a form of trust. You don't expect full disclosure from someone you've just met. A little bit is shared and when that is well received and not used against them, they will share more. Confidences shared are NEVER to be used in a fight or when angry with someone. A good way to destroy your relationship is to take something you know about the sub, such as a desire to crossdress, and pull it out in a vicious way. "Oh yeah? Well I'm not the freak who wants to wear women's clothes, you asshole." is a sure way to kill trust. Don't expect him to ever share his innermost feelings again because you've proven you're not to be trusted. This is true in a nilla relationship also. I agree. I think that is a very big, and influential, fear felt by a LOT people, especially those in a relationship. I know I feel that way a lot of times - more often than not, I ask myself "How much do I want to reveal to this person" more so out of fear of being judged... I think the saying went something like this: "Its those closest to your heart, that can hurt you the most" Have You ever tried to create a "safe" environment so that the person Your communicating with, felt more at ease? Or is it not neccesary?

PairOfDimes -> RE: Being put at ease so you can communicate easier? (9/10/2007 7:06:41 PM)
I ask questions, and try to ask specific, narrow questions using short and precise words, so that I can get the kinds of answers I'm looking for. If a person is having difficulty giving me a general description of what he or she wants in a BDSM relationship, I'll ask, "Would you want a relationship focused more on service or on SM playtime?" If a person doesn't understand the question, I'll rephrase. I don't like to give examples of possible answers, because it leads the person being questioned, but I will if I must. As for making you feel comfortable talking about intimate things, I feel like it's not my responsibility to set or to modify the boundaries of people with whom I'm not in a relationship. That is, if you're not okay telling me, say, your tastes in painful stimulation, then you need to say so, and then I have two choices. I can accept that and continue to talk with you about other subjects, and possibly ask you why you're not okay and what would make you okay with it so we could return to the topic later. Or, I can accept that and say that our conversation can't really progress until you relate that information, because it's important to ascertaining compatibility and I'm not interested in wasting your time or mine. In both instances, you and I are each setting our own boundaries, which seems most fair. If you're not willing to discuss something, it's not my responsibility to make you willing to do so--it's my responsibility to decide whether I'm willing to talk with you if that subject is off limits, and to behave accordingly.

MasterFireMaam -> RE: Being put at ease so you can communicate easier? (9/10/2007 10:10:00 PM)
I'll talk about anything and hear any question as long as it's phrased in a respectful manner. Using "Ma'am" before asking works well. Also, some warning about the subject matter helps, too, such as, "Ma'am, may I ask you a personal question about your mother?" Master Fire

pixelslave -> RE: Being put at ease so you can communicate easier? (9/11/2007 8:10:58 AM)
One thing some Dommes do is have their subs journal their thoughts on various topics, and then talk to their subs about what they've written in their journals. The journal allows the sub to compose their thoughts in their own time at their own pace in a manner that makes sense to them without the pressure of talking in real time, just like here in the forums. Having their written thoughts as reference, allows the two of them to talk in further detail about them and share deeper thoughts or have a back & forth discussion on a topic. However, that assumes you have a relationship with them to begin with, which may not be what you were looking for. As others have said, you may need to figure out what circumstances will make you feel the most comfortable in meeting with someone to talk for the first time or two in order to establish compatibility in real time. Have some notes on a 3x5 cards available to you on topics you might want to discuss in case you get lost for words might not be a bad idea. While it may be a bit embarassing, I'd hope most women would see that you'd made the effort to put your best foot forward and overcome your difficulty in this area by having them with you should you encounter a problem. It happens to all of us at times where the mind sometimes goes blank when we want to share a thought. It's just part of being human. [:D] - pixel Collared to Majik

LadyAlzara -> RE: Being put at ease so you can communicate easier? (9/11/2007 8:22:05 AM)
What do I do to put a submissive at ease? I generally meet them in a public setting, first. W/we have coffee and work through a checklist I have...about 10 pages or so. It gives Me an insight into their thinking. I have extensive converstations about all manner of things from what I expect to their goals and desires. This "feeling out" period is designed to make the submissive comfortable with Me and My presence...which can be overwhelming. (Very outgoing and overwhelming at first glance) When W/we move to more physical training...they have an idea of what they have agreed to. I discuss this with them...remind them of the checklist and read off My take on where they want to go. The first few sessions are generally "light"....a testing of them and how well they react. By this point, I feel they should be able to speak with Me freely outside a scene....within the scene, they have "emotional safewords"(not My concept) that they need to speak freely for that moment. In addition, most of the slaves that I training on a regular basis are required to keep a blog for Me. This is that safe space to say Whatever is on their minds, without fear of punishment. Its about creating a balance between fear and safety. I may be the one Person they know will hurt them...to organism at times....but I am also one the few People that will not judge them or use their words or actions in a hurtful manner. Just because, One has the weapons to wound and teardown a slave....doesn't mean there is a need for use of those weapons. Withinin a scene, I may be a sadistic Queen...who is unfeeling and delights in a submissive's tears. But I'm also, the first One My submissive sees and feels when they are coming back to themselves. Trust is built one tear at a time...one confidence at a time. The kind of communication I have with My slaves depends largely on how long I've known them. Especially for males, being submissive is generally a guarded secret from the rest of their life... so it takes a bit of trust to go that far. I'm fair and reasonable...which is something One proves over a matter of time by being consistant. Being dependable in My response toward them. I hope this helped. Z

MistressDolly -> RE: Being put at ease so you can communicate easier? (9/11/2007 8:42:05 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: blackpearl81 I understand that communication is an essential part of any successful couple... whether it be a vanilla, or a BDSM enhanced relationship. (I'm trying not to slap labels on stuff, but sometimes you can't help it lol ) The lack of communication would have its effect on the relationship as a whole, although more so with BDSM (unclear boundaries/limits, whats expected of the 2 people involved, are just a few examples) My question is, what have some Dom/mes done, (whether physically or psychologically) to make it easier for the submissive to communicate with (or to) You? Just to clarify: "physically" can be just about anything - the environment (a coffee house, Your home (or Your submissives home if the relationship isn't a "live in" situation) while going for a walk, etc. etc "psychologically" can be just about anything as well - an intimate moment (ie: while the sub may be bathing the Dom/me) the moment after a scene, or whenever they both have a time to reflect, etc. (I'm hoping I was able to explain the above well) I ask because I've always had a very hard time talking about personal stuff - probably because I've never been around someone that made me feel at ease enough to openly talk about how I felt about certain things, or just my all around thoughts. When I HAVE been around someone that I can communicate with, I can never seem to figure out what I'd like to say... or, I know what I want to say, I just can't word/phrase it properly... Be comfortable with being a little uncomfortable. If you can, don't worry about it so much. It's natural to feel a little uncomfortable on a first meeting. If you think too much you will only inflame your fears. Be comfortable being uncomfortable and it will impact you less. Some women are more comforting, disarming and relaxed on first meetings than others - with them you will find yourself less nervous. Conversely, some women will make you feel painfully nervous - hence they are not for you. ?. Just walk forward with an open mind and follow your instincts.

Celeste43 -> RE: Being put at ease so you can communicate easier? (9/11/2007 5:41:14 PM)
If it's a difficult subject, I need him to stop and reassure me during the conversation. That doesn't come very easily to him. What does is holding me. I can talk easier if we're touching. Times I've been totally unable to talk he's been known to drag me into his arms and not let me go until I open up. And if I start to cry it doesn't bother him.

YesMistressIrish -> RE: Being put at ease so you can communicate easier? (9/12/2007 12:01:01 PM)
There is something that happens when people meet me. They open up right away and share things they never have before. It has happened all of my life. It is a gift and a curse! lol. I relate to them as a human being first and as a sub second. Darkpearl, if you have a hard time opening up, one of the most important qualities you might seek in a domme would be patience. And of course, someone who makes you feel very comfortable from the get-go. Meeting as friends first is always a good way to go. There is less pressure to be anything other than yourself in a public coffee-house, etc. Just curious, so please don't take offense: Do you find yourself engaging in any passive-aggressive behaviour in relationships? I have found that if anyone cannot open up and share what they really think and feel, as in setting boundaries for example; then they are more likely to behave in passive-aggressive ways. Miss Irish

BeachMystress -> RE: Being put at ease so you can communicate easier? (9/12/2007 7:37:13 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: blackpearl81 Have You ever tried to create a "safe" environment so that the person Your communicating with, felt more at ease? Or is it not neccesary? I've never specifically set out to put a sub at ease when asking, but I don't ask until there is a level of trust established. Both parties have to be comfortable with each other before opening up.

duckfoot -> RE: Being put at ease so you can communicate easier? (9/12/2007 7:50:28 PM)
quote: I have found that if anyone cannot open up and share what they really think and feel, as in setting boundaries for example; then they are more likely to behave in passive-aggressive ways. And if you constantly invalidate the way someone thinks and feels and argue with them when they're trying to tell you how something makes them feel, then you're encouraging passive-aggressive behavior. This point is very relevant to me at this moment, for reasons that have nothing to do with sex ... well, except that I'm feeling about as far from sexually aroused as I can imagine feeling. And that's saying a lot from a nympho like me.

DivaZya -> RE: Being put at ease so you can communicate easier? (9/12/2007 11:30:51 PM)
I believe where a person's head is at is very important. I am all about gearing up for a scene or situation, by 'what if?" questions and answers as well as actively listening to what the one who is tenetively stepping toward Me has to say. Giving them enuogh factual information about what I offer, what I desire and what I am looking for is extremely important. ((My profile is filled out .. well, mayhaps it could be better, and I would take a look at suggestions too)) One of the times I went out of My way was for a timid wanna-be submissive- I allowed him to bring his two big lab mixes to the local beach for our initial meeting. he told Me it was a powerfull move on My part, and was able to open up as I talked casually with him. Over all a nice kinda guy, but still not mentally ready to do more than webcam for women online shrugs (not My bag baby) The other important deal is the pace - that is pretty much left to the submissive, although as a Dominant I do encourage and point out options to help move the situation/training along. Hope that lil slice helps. Always the best Diva~Zya

YesMistressIrish -> RE: Being put at ease so you can communicate easier? (9/13/2007 4:22:43 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: duckfoot quote: I have found that if anyone cannot open up and share what they really think and feel, as in setting boundaries for example; then they are more likely to behave in passive-aggressive ways. And if you constantly invalidate the way someone thinks and feels and argue with them when they're trying to tell you how something makes them feel, then you're encouraging passive-aggressive behavior. This point is very relevant to me at this moment, for reasons that have nothing to do with sex ... well, except that I'm feeling about as far from sexually aroused as I can imagine feeling. And that's saying a lot from a nympho like me. Duckfoot, If this is happening with you, hope you get more validation from somewhere, cause what you feel is what you feel. Hope you start feeling more nympho-like soon. Irish

duckfoot -> RE: Being put at ease so you can communicate easier? (9/13/2007 6:50:14 PM)
"hope you get more validation from somewhere" I'm getting it. It's a process. Relationships take work. And sometimes they take a lot of banging of heads agaist walls. :-)

LadyHugs -> RE: Being put at ease so you can communicate easier? (9/13/2007 9:33:18 PM)
Dear blackpearl81, Ladies and Gentlemen; Communication is a learned skill. And, if someone finds difficulty in communicating about themselves, it isn't time to talk about themselves. Patience is required and the other person must be patient and give you every opportunity to find your comfort zones where you can gain confidence each time there is a discussion. Communication is not just verbal -- body language is just as important. Touching someone can be a form of reaching out and supportive to which can ease the mind and or emotions. Handshake, a pat on the top of the hand with a smile, as if to say--it is ok--take your time and or I understand. What will not last though, is someone having to carry the entire conversation for a long period of time. I often talk about non-BDSM and non-personal topics. Computers, sports, weather, automobiles and things that are not threatening. When comfortable, personal opinions are expressed and I get a lot of personal information from a person when they respond. Just some thoughts. Respectfully submitted for consideration, Lady Hugs

Page: [1]

Collarchat.com © 2025

Terms of Service

0.046875