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loosen up and TALK - 9/10/2007 9:14:03 AM

lilsweety

Posts: 9
Joined: 9/3/2007
Status: offline

Been reading here for a bit and have a question. With a very good Dom...no complaints...i am happy and my bottom well tanned. :)

However, during aftercare last time, he said that i can be very difficult to read. Being a born pleaser and knowing how much he enjoys his sadistic side...plus being from my background, my pain tolerance can be a bit high. i am more into the attention, discipline, Daddydom kind of stuff but want so much to please him that i can tolerate a lot to make him happy. The other thing that winds up happening is that when i am enjoying myself, speaking AT ALL is hard. i just cant seem to focus. So...here is the question...how do i avoid doing this...do i hold back while i am scening so that i can talk if i need to? how do i control my desire to please and not let it over ride how i am really doing?

I have hear that evil communication word a lot here...just not sure how to get there from where i am at now. any suggestions?

Post #: 1

RE: loosen up and TALK - 9/10/2007 9:26:41 AM

RRafe

Posts: 2060
Joined: 8/29/2007
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Nothing is quite so dissapointing for a sadist..than to hear "Oh by the way..." from a bottom after a scene. I do care, and personally-would like to hear about issues During-rather than after. It makes me feel a bit guilty and incompetent that I didn't notice-sort of an ego thing I guess.

All of these needless negative feelings could be avoided-if the one I was playing with could simply realize that holding back will displease me more in the long run, than simply allowing herself to be transparent in the moment.

Because it's the lack of inhibition that I really enjoy-that's what please me. Even if it means I have to make slight adjustments during a session. Or even stop.

< Message edited by RRafe -- 9/10/2007 9:28:17 AM >

_____________________________

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Post #: 2

RE: loosen up and TALK - 9/10/2007 9:43:14 AM

toservez

Posts: 1733
Joined: 9/7/2006
From: All over now in Minnesota
Status: offline

The final answer is you have to be yourself and he has to be his own self and the fact is how we do/enjoy the kink play is a form of compatibility. I do not mean since you two are different in this area then kiss him goodbye at all but both of you have to accept the differences and find a common middle ground. Being submissive does not mean being able to change our personalities and reactions.

Talk to him and explain what you wrote here, if you are into it at the time deeply you cannot talk or you can talk but will not be in a good mental place for yourself and some middle ground.

Personally I am a lot like you and in fact in my search I made this a huge point in my profile about not wanting a person who wants a lot of verbal communication and I do not know how long you have been with your dominant but part of the path of a relationship though is for each getting to know each other and how the body responds good and bad and this does require verbal communication. So if he just needs to learn your body then you probably will have to make a point of being more vocal to help him out and then go back to your normal self. If this is something he wants always no matter what then that is going to be another type of conversation.

_____________________________

I am sorry I do not fit Webster's defintion of a slave but thankfully my Master is not Webster.

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(in reply to RRafe)

Post #: 3

RE: loosen up and TALK - 9/10/2007 9:47:26 AM

came4U

Posts: 3572
Joined: 1/23/2007
From: London, Ontario
Status: offline

I ain't much of a talker 'during' either, once I even see a cock, I'm done for. Anything sexual is pretty well the only thing that shuts me up!

I couldn't even begin to advise on this one, but, yes, I have had to hold back too, to pay attention to different necessary details around me. It sucks!

(in reply to toservez)

Post #: 4

RE: loosen up and TALK - 9/10/2007 9:51:35 AM

LuckyAlbatross

Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
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I like what's been said already.

Give eachother time. He needs to learn how to read you and that will only take time and you sometimes losing your happy headspace to give him what he needs.

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Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to came4U)

Post #: 5

RE: loosen up and TALK - 9/10/2007 10:27:08 AM

arayofsunshine55

Posts: 545
Joined: 8/1/2004
From: San Francisco, CA
Status: offline

Well I think this is a personal thing. And a style thing. We talk constantly but that is our style. There is no time when he is just doing something to me, when I am taking it all. We are always doing to each other. In part due to this style I never float off anywhere. Always fully present ready to do next what he desires.

Maybe if he wants a different response he might try changing up what he's doing. Takes two to tango.

_____________________________

Sunshine

Is it not most transformative, most earthshaking, to pierce the veils of self-deception and illusion, and crack the eggshell of ignorance, to most intimately encounter oneself? Lama Surya Das

(in reply to lilsweety)

Post #: 6

RE: loosen up and TALK - 9/10/2007 2:51:43 PM

Areflectionofyou

Posts: 258
Joined: 4/4/2006
Status: offline

It ruins the moment of the scene for me to talk or scream . I am a masochist and i go so deeply that it feels wonderful and probably don't hear much of what is going on at a certain point. We all are different , i explain what i am like before hand . Most of the time They understand and enjoy the fact i can fly during a tough scene. Communicate before , then the questions don't follow as to why you are so quiet.

(in reply to lilsweety)

Post #: 7

RE: loosen up and TALK - 9/10/2007 3:03:56 PM

umisprite

Posts: 132
Joined: 6/16/2007
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I'm not much of a communicator either while in the moment except for maybe 'ow, that really hurts' or 'oh yeah, that's good'. I usually only play with my SO when I have one or a few close friends who know me very well so the body language thing works fairly well but...

I would like to know too, exactly how much immediate feedback does a Dom want in the heat of the moment?

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(in reply to lilsweety)

Post #: 8

RE: loosen up and TALK - 9/10/2007 3:09:56 PM

Celeste43

Posts: 3066
Joined: 2/4/2006
From: NYS
Status: offline

Communicate afterwards, or the next day. Or three days later whenever things hit you.

I've been known to bring stuff up weeks later. "Hey remember when you did x? Can we do it again please?"

But like you, I go nonverbal if I go deep. He's asked me stuff when I'm floating and I can hear but not respond, or if I do respond it's ten minutes later and doesn't make sense. But if I'm not enjoying what's happening then I don't float which gives him immediate positive feedback.

(in reply to umisprite)

Post #: 9

RE: loosen up and TALK - 9/10/2007 5:23:18 PM

lilsweety

Posts: 9
Joined: 9/3/2007
Status: offline

So glad to hear that i am not the only one who is like this. Thanks for all the suggestions. i know that i can talk to him about it...(actually, when i called him today, we talked a bit) his answers matched quite a few things that were said here. RRafe, you hit the nail on the head. He took his lack of being able to read me the whole time as HIS issue.

we decided to talk more in person when i get home from work tomorrow. sometimes it really stinks having to be away from home for work for so many days but sometimes you just have to deal with it.

thanks again for all the help...nice to know there are so many with the same issues as me. :)

(in reply to Celeste43)

Post #: 10

RE: loosen up and TALK - 9/10/2007 5:38:01 PM

slaveluci

Posts: 4294
Joined: 3/2/2007
From: Little Rock, AR
Status: offline

Hi lilsweety,
This reminds me of a thread I posted on once called "Hard to Read." Since LA did not link to it, I'm going to

:

http://www.collarchat.com/m_1086937/mpage_1/key_hard%252Cread/tm.htm#1086937

I think you'll find it interesting and applicable. Best to you............luci

_____________________________

To choose a good book, look in an inquisitor’s prohibited list. ~John Aikin

(in reply to lilsweety)

Post #: 11

RE: loosen up and TALK - 9/10/2007 6:11:39 PM

Redoubt

Posts: 185
Joined: 8/11/2007
Status: offline

I am a huge preacher of communication.

The best place is not before, during or after a scene... but in that null space when play is far away. Unless you're scening 24 hours a day, in which case you probably need electrolytes more than communication.

It can make for foreplay, but its best when your partner knows prior.

Make an effort to talk out of scene... its the least sexy, but most revealing.

(in reply to slaveluci)

Post #: 12

RE: loosen up and TALK - 9/10/2007 6:59:41 PM

lilsweety

Posts: 9
Joined: 9/3/2007
Status: offline

Thanks SlaveLuci...that link helped a lot. i guess i was under the same impression as you...didn't want to fail by calling out. probably gonna get a bit of a stern talking to when i get home about not being the one to decide things...
Luckily, it was just an honest misconception and not deliberate deception...that really ticks him off. Haven't done it but have been warned about it. funny how punishment is different to different people. with him, when he is at a point where i need to be punished for something...eye contact is big. lots of people get disciplined or punished by not being able to make eye contact with their Dom/me's...with me, i am usually so ashamed that i disappointed him, i can't stand to look into his eyes and see how i let him down. his punishment usually starts with THE TALK about the infraction, why it happened, what he expects to see in the future and how i can make sure it doesn't happen again. that i can tolerate, but he insists that i look directly into his eyes the whole time...just kills me. not a cryer by nature, but this just sets the water works to working overtime. i hate it

luckily, this should be an easier talk than that one...still feel a little sheepish about it though.

(in reply to Redoubt)

Post #: 13

RE: loosen up and TALK - 9/10/2007 10:02:22 PM

MasterFireMaam

Posts: 5587
Joined: 3/1/2006
From: Charleston, WV
Status: offline

Who equated "you are hard to read" with "you need to talk more during a scene", you or him? Ask HIM what you need to do to be easier to read.

Master Fire

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The power of who we are can be intoxicating. The power of who we could be is humbling.
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(in reply to lilsweety)

Post #: 14

RE: loosen up and TALK - 9/11/2007 9:54:08 PM

NControlofU

Posts: 204
Joined: 11/14/2005
Status: offline

Theres more to communication than saying words. I can read my slave without her speaking. My slave doesn't say much of anything when I'm whipping and flogging her, except when I ask her a question and sometimes I have to ask her more than once to get a verbal response. I do most of the talking. I read her through her body language and moans and squeals and cries and screams and squirming and jumping. If nothing else there is at least a grimace, a squint, a twitch that tells me I'm making an impact. Unless you are laying there, lifeless and completely silent, I would read some sort of reaction from you to what I'm doing.

Did you ever consider that it might not be you thats causing the communication breakdown? Communication is a two-way street. Communication depends on the listener just as much as the speaker. Listening, paying attention and reading someones body language are all part of communicating. Some people are better at communication skills and reading people than others are.

Of course, if you are laying there lifeless and silent, it would be pretty difficult to read you and I would just have to work harder on you until I got a reaction.

quote:

ORIGINAL: lilsweety

Been reading here for a bit and have a question. With a very good Dom...no complaints...i am happy and my bottom well tanned. :)

However, during aftercare last time, he said that i can be very difficult to read. Being a born pleaser and knowing how much he enjoys his sadistic side...plus being from my background, my pain tolerance can be a bit high. i am more into the attention, discipline, Daddydom kind of stuff but want so much to please him that i can tolerate a lot to make him happy. The other thing that winds up happening is that when i am enjoying myself, speaking AT ALL is hard. i just cant seem to focus. So...here is the question...how do i avoid doing this...do i hold back while i am scening so that i can talk if i need to? how do i control my desire to please and not let it over ride how i am really doing?

I have hear that evil communication word a lot here...just not sure how to get there from where i am at now. any suggestions?

(in reply to lilsweety)

Post #: 15

RE: loosen up and TALK - 9/12/2007 4:04:59 AM

feastie

Posts: 1793
Joined: 6/4/2004
Status: offline

During, I can't talk or if I talk it's gibberish. I can hear, usually, lol, but I internalize what I've heard. I might even think I have responded when I haven't. This is not something I can do anything about, and I have the feeling you can't either. My dominant LOVES this about me. However, he knows that he must pay close attention to what my body is telling him that my mouth (read brain) can't. I also make it a practice to either tell him when I am able to talk or write him a little letter how I felt about what we'd been doing or if I had any problems he may not have noticed. Anything that's too uncomfortable or serious is going to yank me right out of that place, anyway, so I'm not overly concerned about that.

The important thing is that your dominant understand that this is something you cannot change. Personally, I don't understand how some people can keep a running conversation. It makes me think they aren't doing something right! Yes, it's prejudicial, I know and for those of you that are going to flame me about it, relax, I am largely joking. The point I'm making is that everyone is different and that there is not one thing that is "right" for everyone.

_____________________________

Snarky and loving it.

Disclaimer: Any views expressed in any post are my opinions only. They may or may not be yours.

(in reply to NControlofU)

Post #: 16

RE: loosen up and TALK - 9/12/2007 10:09:35 AM

SirCache

Posts: 159
Joined: 3/26/2005
Status: offline

A friend of mine will rap her hand on the wall twice (don't ask me why she always ends up chained to the wall, I swear, it just happens!) because often times she becomes so enamored with the scene that she literally can't talk. The double rap lets me know that she needs me to slow down, or stop. But on a bed? Could be problematic.

You could always look at talking during a scene as another form of training, you can have yourself built up during the scene so that you can at least speak and relay critical information to him. Even just the basic red/yellow/green would be of tremendous guidence, especially when things get very deep.

(in reply to lilsweety)

Post #: 17

RE: loosen up and TALK - 9/12/2007 5:19:22 PM

feastie

Posts: 1793
Joined: 6/4/2004
Status: offline

I don't know about the rest of them, but if there is talking for me, it isn't going to go very deep. He can talk all he wants, just don't expect me to, don't try to make me. It's nothing something that can be trained, I've found. It is what it is, and it is one of those things that is inherent and must be accepted.

_____________________________

Snarky and loving it.

Disclaimer: Any views expressed in any post are my opinions only. They may or may not be yours.

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Post #: 18

RE: loosen up and TALK - 9/12/2007 5:24:51 PM

leatherette

Posts: 255
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: NControlofU

Theres more to communication than saying words. I can read my slave without her speaking. My slave doesn't say much of anything when I'm whipping and flogging her, except when I ask her a question and sometimes I have to ask her more than once to get a verbal response. I do most of the talking. I read her through her body language and moans and squeals and cries and screams and squirming and jumping. If nothing else there is at least a grimace, a squint, a twitch that tells me I'm making an impact. Unless you are laying there, lifeless and completely silent, I would read some sort of reaction from you to what I'm doing.

Hi, I have to agree with NCONTROLOFU - from a receptive angle, of course.

There is no way I could carry on a conversation - lets say - discuss the theory of relativity - during activity such as described. That in no way means I don't communicate.

Please do read into this... i have heard screams.... that sounded far away... but i listened to everything he said and could have heard a pin drop.

Found strengths i'd never known i possessed .... until i lost possession

Suffered pain and humiliation.... until i felt no more..... and he showed me, by consideration, focus, even kindness ... and i was grateful..... that he really did care.

i saw a model of power, control, authority = humility, a willingness to step aside, a dignity so solid that as he stood above - nothing was below ( and he was but a man)

that, to me is a leader that inspires. i can see in being humble- a dignity does exist... and to serve is nothing less

< Message edited by leatherette -- 9/12/2007 6:23:51 PM >

(in reply to NControlofU)

Post #: 19

RE: loosen up and TALK - 9/12/2007 7:33:25 PM

RRafe

Posts: 2060
Joined: 8/29/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: leatherette

quote:

ORIGINAL: NControlofU

Theres more to communication than saying words. I can read my slave without her speaking. My slave doesn't say much of anything when I'm whipping and flogging her, except when I ask her a question and sometimes I have to ask her more than once to get a verbal response. I do most of the talking. I read her through her body language and moans and squeals and cries and screams and squirming and jumping. If nothing else there is at least a grimace, a squint, a twitch that tells me I'm making an impact. Unless you are laying there, lifeless and completely silent, I would read some sort of reaction from you to what I'm doing.

Hi, I have to agree with NCONTROLOFU - from a receptive angle, of course.

There is no way I could carry on a conversation - lets say - discuss the theory of relativity - during activity such as described. That in no way means I don't communicate.

Please do read into this... i have heard screams.... that sounded far away... but i listened to everything he said and could have heard a pin drop.

Found strengths i'd never known i possessed .... until i lost possession

Suffered pain and humiliation.... until i felt no more..... and he showed me, by consideration, focus, even kindness ... and i was grateful..... that he really did care.

i saw a model of power, control, authority = humility, a willingness to step aside, a dignity so solid that as he stood above - nothing was below ( and he was but a man)

that, to me is a leader that inspires. i can see in being humble- a dignity does exist... and to serve is nothing less

We all serve in our own ways-each another.

Humility comes from accepting that.

_____________________________

I seem to be some wierd combination of Ren and Stimpy

(in reply to leatherette)

Post #: 20

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