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pleasing - 9/10/2007 9:16:31 AM   
murmur


Posts: 394
Joined: 9/26/2005
Status: offline 		I'm going out with a vanilla man for what's been about two months and even though our relationship is rich with intensity and love, i feel the need to please him in any way i can (he's a proud man though, so i gotta do it in a subtle way because he could think i do this out of pity or because i think he's not *man enough*, but that's another subject).
My question is...would it be an honest or correct way to serve him or to please him without him knowing the true foundations of it? Being the one to know what's and from where go my intentions of pleasing him without him being aware of it would be considered... not dishonest but...
cause i feel he wouldnt understand? He would be aware of it in a certain level, but not completely...
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RE: pleasing - 9/10/2007 9:22:26 AM   
KatyLied


Posts: 13029
Joined: 2/24/2005
From: Pennsylvania
Status: offline 		Keep it simple, just be yourself, if that includes pleasing him in certain ways, go with it.  There is nothing dishonest in being yourself.

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“If you want to live a happy life, tie it to a goal, not to people or things.”
- Albert Einstein

(in reply to murmur)
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RE: pleasing - 9/10/2007 9:29:34 AM   
toservez


Posts: 1733
Joined: 9/7/2006
From: All over now in Minnesota
Status: offline 		I think there is an element of dishonesty in it but I would not go anywhere close to a malicious view and the only reason, to me, there is a dishonesty bent because you are wanting something in a little specific way and are looking for ways to accomplish this without him knowing.

Personally, and while not in a potential long term relationship, I have in my life been in casual things always make it a point to stress what I am all about, minus the extreme and/or kink, that I naturally put others before myself and I get my most enjoyment by doing this.

I would talk to him and at least mention that how you behave is because it is you and he should show some consideration for this. If he has a proud/”man enough” bent to him he should also respect your needs and natural personality, especially if he cares about you. I would just inform him you need to be more like this because it is who you are and what you need/crave the more you care about someone and make him aware of the type of things this might pertain to and then slowly introduce them into your life assuming they are common vanilla things and you are not trying to convert him into a full in the life dominant.



_____________________________

I am sorry I do not fit Webster's defintion of a slave but thankfully my Master is not Webster.

"Anything that contradicts experience and logic should be abandoned." - H.H. The 14th Dalai Lama

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RE: pleasing - 9/10/2007 9:43:56 AM   
Missokyst


Posts: 6041
Joined: 9/9/2006
Status: offline 		I never understood why someone would need to identify the simple desire to please your mate, with kink.  If you don't require a sado-maso edge, humiliation, or bondage play, why not just be yourself and give your mate your all?  If it is your desire to please, don't nilla people also have that need? 
Kyst

_____________________________

pain is the breaking of the shell that encloses your understanding ~Gibran, Kahlil

“The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You just got to find the ones worth suffering for.”
― Bob Marley


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RE: pleasing - 9/10/2007 9:47:23 AM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline 		I'd say the fact that you have to do it in "a subtle way" shows that this is too delicate to be worthwhile.  Just say "I'm the type who really likes to please and be submissive to my partner in regular life."  No big deal.

And Kyst- that's just crazy talk, thinking that nillas and kinky people BOTH want to make their partners happy.

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Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

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RE: pleasing - 9/10/2007 9:49:05 AM   
arayofsunshine55


Posts: 545
Joined: 8/1/2004
From: San Francisco, CA
Status: offline 		I think there are plenty of ways to please someone which don't even begin to border on tripping the "proud" switch.  Sounds like you want to take care of him and that is not pleasing to many of people.  If you want to please him figure out what actually pleases him.  Painting it as something different cause you know that it wouldn't otherwise please him is really pleasing yourself and not him.  This is one of the challenges with the desire to please.

So I know what Daddy likes. Like equal in his coffee and the dresses.  He is clear about what pleases him and that is what he gets.  Anything else really is something else IMO.

So if it pleases him most to not be pleased, then do that.


_____________________________

Sunshine

Is it not most transformative, most earthshaking, to pierce the veils of self-deception and illusion, and crack the eggshell of ignorance, to most intimately encounter oneself? Lama Surya Das

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RE: pleasing - 9/10/2007 9:51:41 AM   
Missokyst


Posts: 6041
Joined: 9/9/2006
Status: offline 		I know, what was I thinking?  Everyone knows nillas are only out for their own happiness.

Kyst
quote:

ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross

And Kyst- that's just crazy talk, thinking that nillas and kinky people BOTH want to make their partners happy.


_____________________________

pain is the breaking of the shell that encloses your understanding ~Gibran, Kahlil

“The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You just got to find the ones worth suffering for.”
― Bob Marley


(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: pleasing - 9/10/2007 9:54:20 AM   
murmur


Posts: 394
Joined: 9/26/2005
Status: offline 		Katylied : thank you, the simpler the better, of course!

Toservez : no no no, i do not wish to convert him into a full life dominant, what i want less is for him to change who he basically is, but thanks for your insight, really appreciated :)

Missokyst : i think you put your finger on it... i just mixed kink and need to please...guh, i should have thought better lol, the one doesnt go ultimately with the other...i think my fascination with bdsm, D/s got mixed up with me being essentially vanilla and by that reflection, i got the answer to my question.

Thanks all! You made my day

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Profile   Post #: 8
RE: pleasing - 9/10/2007 9:59:58 AM   
murmur


Posts: 394
Joined: 9/26/2005
Status: offline 		LuckyAlbatross : i know i know, i think i just complicate things a lil bit....no big deal

arayofsunshine55 : Yes, the difference can get a bit dizzy, i just have to comprehend the ways in how i want to please him...without the egocentrical part. Pleasing me by pleasing him...yessh. Never.

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RE: pleasing - 9/10/2007 10:08:13 AM   
arayofsunshine55


Posts: 545
Joined: 8/1/2004
From: San Francisco, CA
Status: offline 		I think the egocentric part is fine.  As long as what he wants from you is tantamount.  Do unto others what they want, not what you think they should want or what you want them to want.

_____________________________

Sunshine

Is it not most transformative, most earthshaking, to pierce the veils of self-deception and illusion, and crack the eggshell of ignorance, to most intimately encounter oneself? Lama Surya Das

(in reply to murmur)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: pleasing - 9/10/2007 10:18:49 AM   
domiguy


Posts: 12952
Joined: 5/2/2006
Status: offline 		Without specifics it's all mumbo jumbo....Do you want to wipe his ass?....Or hold the morning paper in your mouth until he needs it?.....Maybe tie his laces/ (assuming he doesn't have velcro shoes) 

Give him a backrub...cook a meal...Blow him....These all seem like nice gestures that would fly under the radar or would cause a guy to look at you like the twisted fuck that you are.....lol...Just kidding about the last part....It's a little dificult to discuss all of your kinks and needs when dabbling in the vanilla world...it can be accomplished, just need to find the right understanding and demented soul.

_____________________________



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RE: pleasing - 9/10/2007 2:22:11 PM   
proudsub


Posts: 6142
Joined: 1/31/2004
From: Washington
Status: offline
quote:

Being the one to know what's and from where go my intentions of pleasing him without him being aware of it would be considered... not dishonest but...
cause i feel he wouldnt understand? He would be aware of it in a certain level, but not completely...


How do you know he wouldn't understand?  I once thought that of Hubby, boy was i wrong.

_____________________________

proudsub

"Without goals you become what you were. With goals you become what you wish." .

"You are entitled to your own opinions but not your own facts"--Alan Greenspan


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Profile   Post #: 12
RE: pleasing - 9/10/2007 3:59:30 PM   
adoracat


Posts: 1779
Joined: 2/16/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: murmur

I'm going out with a vanilla man for what's been about two months and even though our relationship is rich with intensity and love, i feel the need to please him in any way i can (he's a proud man though, so i gotta do it in a subtle way because he could think i do this out of pity or because i think he's not *man enough*, but that's another subject).
My question is...would it be an honest or correct way to serve him or to please him without him knowing the true foundations of it? Being the one to know what's and from where go my intentions of pleasing him without him being aware of it would be considered... not dishonest but...
cause i feel he wouldnt understand? He would be aware of it in a certain level, but not completely...


i've been married to my vanilla husband for over 15 years now.  i wait on him, bring him his coffee in bed in the am, rub his back, make sure he has clean clothes to wear, run his bath if he would like a bath, rub his feet, bring him medicine when he's sick, run to the store for special things for him, generally keep him happy.

and there isnt a bit of D/s in our marriage at all.  it keeps me a bit content when i'm not able to be with Sir...but it doesnt keep me completely satisfied.

(we're poly, have been for nearly 10 years now, there isnt any sneaking about)

kitten, who is content for the most part

(in reply to murmur)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: pleasing - 9/10/2007 6:14:49 PM   
murmur


Posts: 394
Joined: 9/26/2005
Status: offline 		domiguy : mumbo jumbo hehe (thanks for the smile) - i just mix up normal feelings with what i thought was *special feelings* cause...i dont know. Naive still maybe? i'm pretty young so, yeah, mumbo jumbo still. I know pretty much about 3/4 of myself and i know i'll never see the end of it. maybe in like, 20 years, i'll get to a clearer answer but for now i'll settle with the *i think that's the best for me, i'll try that and we'll see!*

proudsub : mostly, i'm afraid of judgement. silly cause we talk about pretty much everything, but this is so much intimate for me and i feel i dont know him that much yet to confide in him so quickly...i dont trust quickly, but it's going there

adoracat : as long as you love him i guess

(in reply to adoracat)
Profile   Post #: 14
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