When the love of your life is Vanilla? (Full Version)

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fungasm -> When the love of your life is Vanilla? (9/10/2007 3:00:11 PM)

This is a current theme with several of my Pets... and it's making me think more about this. 

What would you, yes, you now: someone who is a kink-aware, registerd user on CM; what you would YOU do if you met someone and fell in love with them- apeshit, headover heels, can't stop thinking about them- love with someone who was vanilla.  

Really vanilla.  No oral sex, no anal sex, no bondage, lights off, best 45 seconds of your life, vanilla.  

The world is a better place when you are near them.  This human is beautiful,  kind, makes you look good, makes you a hot cup of tea (or makes sure you have a cold beer) when you come home.  Would be an incredible parent to your children. This Vanilla human loves you. A lot.  And you love them. 

But the sex is always going to be... okay.  

For this hypothecial question (which for a few of my Pets isn't actually hypothetical...), there will no changing this person.  They are very happy in who they are- and in some cases they have religion, abuse, or other things going on which means they really can't be changed.  It hurts their feelings to suggest it or try.  If you insist that you need them to be different- this person will leave you.  So teaching the Vanilla to be kinky isn't the answer here.

What would you do if the love of your life was Vanilla- and there was no changing them into any other flavor?

Alison



UR2Badored -> RE: When the love of your life is Vanilla? (9/10/2007 3:05:22 PM)

Not to derail your question at all .  Actually just the opposite because it got me thinking about illness and  of other life's surprises.
If a person became sick and could not perform or meet other needs, would it be any different than the scenerio presented?  

Other than something in that realm....It comes down to choosing to be with someone whose relationship relies on your ability to be compromising and your remaining sexually frustrated. If that works for someone else-- who cares?   Then we have others who eventually will bring in other parties willing to fullfill these needs, usually temporary, under your significant other's conditions.  
Viola, Welcome to CM!  Thank goodness, I've never gotten married.
Also, one remains often after figuring out the scenerio sucks as a matter of invested interests ie mortgage, UMs, etc.



bandit25 -> RE: When the love of your life is Vanilla? (9/10/2007 3:07:09 PM)

Get a REALLY good vibrator.



LuckyAlbatross -> RE: When the love of your life is Vanilla? (9/10/2007 3:09:48 PM)

We both deserve to be fulfilled in who we are.  Love doesn't change much of anything and it won't solve anything. 

Myself, I'd enjoy a vanilla relationship with them if they were ok with my not being monogamous. 

I think the question of "life happening" to make someone you are already IN a secure long term relationship with unable to do what everyone wants to do is a very different situation.  Though the answers may be the same.



domiguy -> RE: When the love of your life is Vanilla? (9/10/2007 3:10:40 PM)

It would never happen....She getting that can tapped or she will be sitting on it on the curb....Silly question.



submittous -> RE: When the love of your life is Vanilla? (9/10/2007 3:10:56 PM)

Honestly cannot imagine how that could happen, bdsm and sexuality are just too much apart of who I am and what I need there is no way to "love" a vanilla person .



missturbation -> RE: When the love of your life is Vanilla? (9/10/2007 3:11:28 PM)

The love of my life was vanilla and i ended up looking for more. I wasnt fulfilled and therefore i was unhappy, so i left him before i ended up cheating on him.



xoxi -> RE: When the love of your life is Vanilla? (9/10/2007 3:12:41 PM)

I'm not quite sure I could fall in love with someone who I didn't have a sexual connection with.  I've known quite a few wonderful men - wonderful in EVERY sense of the word.  They were attractive, funny, smelled good, emotionally stable, intelligent, great job, great personality, and so forth...and yet they kissed me like a limp fish.  Not only was there no 'falling in love' going on, but I even TRIED having a relationship with more than one of them.  And I still didn't develop any romantic feelings.  I started liking hanging out with them, and thinking they were a good friend, but they were unable to see me as just a friend and so things fizzled because I didn't want to do those yucky kisses and frankenstein groping.

In my mind romantic love is inherently linked to sexuality.  It goes both ways too...if I have amazing sex with someone, I develop feelings for them, and if I have feelings for someone we have amazing sex.  I know there are plenty of people who can have sex without getting attached, so I'm sure there are plenty of people who can get attached without enjoying sex as well...but the concept is entirely foreign to me.  All I can do is sympathize and say wow that would really suck :(



phoenixsub999 -> RE: When the love of your life is Vanilla? (9/10/2007 3:25:27 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: missturbation

The love of my life was vanilla and i ended up looking for more. I wasnt fulfilled and therefore i was unhappy, so i left him before i ended up cheating on him.


I agree - to me, it's better to leave than to cheat unless you have agreed on an open relationship. Still must have been so hard to leave.



Mercnbeth -> RE: When the love of your life is Vanilla? (9/10/2007 3:27:08 PM)

quote:

What would you do if the love of your life was Vanilla- and there was no changing them into any other flavor?

Alison,
Add me to the chorus of those saying it couldn't happen. I'll stipulate that the absolute certainty may be a function of my age and associated life experience. As time goes on, compromising in my personal life is less and less desirable or necessary for that matter.

At other times in my life, I may have tried to educate, inform, cajole. I would have offered an opportunity to meet others in the community and would have done my best to allay any fear. However there would have been a requirement that the person wanted the same ultimate goal as me, and was willing to put in the effort as well as having a open mind. If that weren't the case the attempt would be futile and a waste of time. Ultimately, we may or may not continue as friends, but I don't see how "love" could occur with such a fundamental difference in our physical, emotional, and physical desires.

Good luck if this represents your personal situation.



xoxi -> RE: When the love of your life is Vanilla? (9/10/2007 3:32:36 PM)

Also I would just like to point out that "vanilla" people have oral sex, quite a few have anal sex, and I'm sure there are plenty of Doms or subs who can't last a full minute in bed either.  I answered your question as a matter of sexual compatibility in general but I can say that I've been looking more at the 'vanilla' pool of available men than the 'kinky' pool lately.  A vanilla traditional alpha male type who likes rough sex would make me far happier than a kinky guy who wanted half the things on the 'bdsm checklist' - Christ there are almost 20 things on my 'hard limits' list alone.

The premise of your question is way off.  Bad sex does not equal vanilla.  It's just straight up bad sex.  That song 'two minute man' isn't limited to people who aren't into whips.



RumpusParable -> RE: When the love of your life is Vanilla? (9/10/2007 3:34:12 PM)

If we were so sexually incompatible I'd either be with them and others or move on keeping them as a friend or ending our contact, depending on what was right for the situation.

Love comes many times in life, love AND compatibility are hard to find and what is ultimately needed.  If there's no way to work out compatibility then I accept that fact and don't try to force it.



missturbation -> RE: When the love of your life is Vanilla? (9/10/2007 3:36:01 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: phoenixsub999

quote:

ORIGINAL: missturbation

The love of my life was vanilla and i ended up looking for more. I wasnt fulfilled and therefore i was unhappy, so i left him before i ended up cheating on him.


I agree - to me, it's better to leave than to cheat unless you have agreed on an open relationship. Still must have been so hard to leave.


It was extremely hard and even now ten years later it still hurts. He's now married, in the army and has a baby. Im happy for him but i cant help feeling extremely sad when i think what could have been.
At the end of the day though we would have never been truly happy and i would have ended up hurting him more than leaving him did.
It has to be the whole package for me now (eventually) for me to settle 24/7.   



nmjardine -> RE: When the love of your life is Vanilla? (9/10/2007 3:45:10 PM)

I've already decided that I won't settle. I've never been married and can count the number of serious relationships I've had on one hand. Yes, I want a lover and friend and, yes, sometimes I am lonely. But I'm not lonely enough to be unhappy (which I have been). I won't go through that particular hell again. SM is an important aspect of my sexuality and I won't do without it.



fungasm -> RE: When the love of your life is Vanilla? (9/10/2007 3:48:09 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: xoxi

Also I would just like to point out that "vanilla" people have oral sex, quite a few have anal sex, and I'm sure there are plenty of Doms or subs who can't last a full minute in bed either.  I answered your question as a matter of sexual compatibility in general but I can say that I've been looking more at the 'vanilla' pool of available men than the 'kinky' pool lately.  A vanilla traditional alpha male type who likes rough sex would make me far happier than a kinky guy who wanted half the things on the 'bdsm checklist' - Christ there are almost 20 things on my 'hard limits' list alone.

The premise of your question is way off.  Bad sex does not equal vanilla.  It's just straight up bad sex.  That song 'two minute man' isn't limited to people who aren't into whips.



I didn't mean to equate bad sex with Vanilla... but rather Vanilla as in unable to explore sexuality further or learn more. 

The premise of my question comes from something my Subs deal with everyday.

Alison



xoxi -> RE: When the love of your life is Vanilla? (9/10/2007 4:21:31 PM)

That's an interesting definition.  I always considered Vanilla to be someone who enjoyed sex without kinks.  Someone who enjoys oral (seriously now thats ALL of what Cosmo writes about...how to get your man to give you better head...and most people give head before having sex with a new partner), who might do anal (it's been termed 'the new 3rd base'), who probably switch positions (the top sex positions in general are doggy style or girl on top), who has sex lights on, lights off, in the shower, or on the kitchen table, and certainly lasts for more than 45 seconds.  Any vanilla woman would tell you a minute man is bad sex.

I don't think it's so much *refusing* to explore more as being completely satisfied with sex by itself.  Sex without added frills, toys, costumes, role play, etc. - just plain sex.  I'm pretty kinky in that I like to be slapped around, tied up, etc but I'm not the experimetnal sort.  I know what I like and I stick to it, and I only try new stuff if it sounds appealing.

Meh. Yet another reason I hate the term "Vanilla" - it's far too often used as an epithet.  This topic could have SO easily been called "what if the love of your life is bad in bed" because let me tell you I have known some completely 'vanilla' guys (by my definition of enjoying sex without having to dress it up) who were damn good in the sack.  And I've known some completely 'kinky' guys who couldn't even get me wet much less get me off.

Anyway sorry for derailing your thread.  It just sort of bothers me to have this "us vs. them" mentality, or to think that vanilla sex is any less fulfilling for vanilla people than kinky sex is for kinky people.  Some people don't experiment simply because they are absolutely and completely satisfied with some good old fashioned loooooovemakin'



Thorns82 -> RE: When the love of your life is Vanilla? (9/10/2007 5:00:58 PM)

I don't think I could be with someone who completly disregarded my feelings and needs inside or outside of the bedroom.  Trying something and not liking it, or even discussing it in depth and deciding it is not for you, is one thing.  "This has always worked for me, so it'll work for you too" is dissrespectful of the other person in my opinion.



MrDiscipline44 -> RE: When the love of your life is Vanilla? (9/10/2007 5:27:39 PM)

Well, Alison, as long as they don't expect to change this polyamorous, paddle swinging, crop wielding, slave keeping man, she'll stay in my and my ums life. The minute she wants me to change is the minute she either packs her bags or puts on a collar.



CuriousLord -> RE: When the love of your life is Vanilla? (9/10/2007 5:36:59 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: fungasm

This is a current theme with several of my Pets... and it's making me think more about this. 

What would you, yes, you now: someone who is a kink-aware, registerd user on CM; what you would YOU do if you met someone and fell in love with them- apeshit, headover heels, can't stop thinking about them- love with someone who was vanilla.  

Really vanilla.  No oral sex, no anal sex, no bondage, lights off, best 45 seconds of your life, vanilla.  

The world is a better place when you are near them.  This human is beautiful,  kind, makes you look good, makes you a hot cup of tea (or makes sure you have a cold beer) when you come home.  Would be an incredible parent to your children. This Vanilla human loves you. A lot.  And you love them. 

But the sex is always going to be... okay.  

For this hypothecial question (which for a few of my Pets isn't actually hypothetical...), there will no changing this person.  They are very happy in who they are- and in some cases they have religion, abuse, or other things going on which means they really can't be changed.  It hurts their feelings to suggest it or try.  If you insist that you need them to be different- this person will leave you.  So teaching the Vanilla to be kinky isn't the answer here.

What would you do if the love of your life was Vanilla- and there was no changing them into any other flavor?


Love without compatability?  Or are you just giving up the sex?

If it's between kinky sex and emotional fulfillment, I'm not even answering this question.  It should be blindingly obvious.



fungasm -> RE: When the love of your life is Vanilla? (9/10/2007 5:52:04 PM)

There are many types of Vanilla.   This is the type of Vanilla that several people in my world have fallen in love with. 

There are many, many people in the world (possibly as high as 35% of the population according to some research) who believe that sex is a mechanism for procreation only and/or who believe in sex in very limited terms. 

I defined the type of Vanilla in the OP.  

=== I want to share with this community- and I'd love to hear the actual answers to the questions I have... but I'm frustrated.  This isn't about us vs. them, nor is it about the meanings of the words.  This was a  post with a set scenario. How would you deal with the following scenario:

There's you. You know you love kink.  You meet and fall in love with someone who does NOT love kink, nor is comfortable with kink, nor is willing to entertain this.  Each of us gets to set our limits- this is where they set theirs... and they are upfront about it from the beginning.  These are the limits of the person you are in love with.  For argument's sake- let us say that this person can kiss.  This person makes you happy.  You are in love with this person.  But there is no possibility of you exploring your kinks with this person.  Would you leave them before you could hurt them by cheating on them, like one poster?  Would you only see them if you had an arrangement that you could seek what you outside the relationship?  Would you quietly get your desires fulfilled elsewhere?  Or would you stifle what you want to be with the person you love?

Alison



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