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LivingInSin -> LMAO (9/11/2007 12:17:08 PM)
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Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that
sparked my interest. The occasion was our 22nd anniversary and I was
looking for a little something extra for my wife Toni.
What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser.
The effects of the taser were suppose to be short lived, with no
long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate
time to retreat to safety.... WAY TOO COOL!
Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I
loaded two triple-a batteries in the darn thing and pushed the
button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I
pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the
same time; I'd get the blue arch of electricity darting back and
forth between the prongs. Awesome!!!
Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Toni what that burn spot
is on the face of her microwave.
Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that
it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-a batteries,...
right?
There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently
(trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and
thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh &
blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie
(for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a
sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to
protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that
it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?
So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading
glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in
one hand, taser in another. The directions said that a one-second
burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst
was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily
control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant
flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than
three seconds would be wasting the batteries.
All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about
5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and
loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-a batteries) thinking to
myself, "no possible way!"
What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my
best.....
I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked
to one side as if to say, "don't do it master," reasoning that a one-
second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all
that bad....
I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the heck of
it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and
HOLY MOTHER, WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION! &!#!!*^*%**&/&&........
I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door,
picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the
carpet, over and over and over again.
I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with
tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles
nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the
oddest position, and tingling in my legs. The cat was standing over
me making meowing sounds I had never heard before, licking my face,
undoubtedly thinking to heself, "do it again, do it again!"
Note: If you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself with a taser,
one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one-second burst
when you zap yourself You will not let go of that thing until it is
dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the
floor.
A three second burst would be considered conservative SON-OF-A-
.... that hurt like hell!!! A minute or so later (I can't be sure,
as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits
(what little I Had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent
reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they up
get there??? Mytriceps, right thigh and both nipples were still
twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and
my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I'm still looking for my testicles. I'm
offering asignificant reward for their safe return.
Still in shock, your friend, Jimmy
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