Did I miss the forest for the trees?

Did I miss the forest for the trees? (Full Version)

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taintedlove75 -> Did I miss the forest for the trees? (9/11/2007 6:07:00 PM)
I am not sure if this is a rant or a question or just a post to blow off steam or all of the above but I seek some opinions on something. I have been talking to a Dom who is somewhat far away. Due to some issues with my family and friends, I have not been able to get time to meet him. I thought I would have time last Friday but then something happened and I ended up having to cancel. This guy goes from being this cool, mild mannered, perfectly poised Dominant into a full blown weeny-whining, cursing, holding his breath and turning blue, baby-fit. He then proceeds to tell me what to do with my profile. I messaged him back stating it was my profile and he was not my Dom and I could do what I wished with it. Then I get this message stating I am a fucking bitch and a lying cunt. I do not stoop to such behaviour and I expect a Dom to be a big boy and act grown up about things soI am just a little blown out of the water. This guy calls himself a Daddy Dom and I have no idea how he can ever hope to control a girl if he cannot even control his own emotions and overreactions. I am so so so glad that I found out this is the way he is before I was actually with him and had to discover his alter-ego in the middle of a rage filled fit, one in which he may have hurt me. I have never been called such names before. Well, not in this context [:D]. So my question is, is there anything you do before meeting a Dom to sort of test the waters to see what kind of personality they have? I feel like I am totally naive yet I am not new at this. I am usually a very good judge of character yet this throws me for a loop. I guess this is just the first experience I have had with a real bonafide asshole who likes to march around and act like a big man until a real adult issue comes up.

subinsouth -> RE: Did I miss the forest for the trees? (9/11/2007 6:32:36 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: taintedlove75 So my question is, is there anything you do before meeting a Dom to sort of test the waters to see what kind of personality they have? Sounds like you burst his little bubble and the real person came out from behind the title Dom. i feel lots of people, especially on the internet, think Domming/submitting is a game for kinky sex. There is really no excuse for his losing his dismeanor ~ excepting he sounds like a player. Be careful out there!

angelic -> RE: Did I miss the forest for the trees? (9/11/2007 6:42:53 PM)
First off, welcome to the boards! (btw the vanilla cone will disappear upon posting x number of posts, just in case you were wondering). i am sorry this happened to you. i tend to be a little 'over the top' when it comes to 'testing the waters with a Dom'. For instance, if someone emails me only between the hours of 8ish to 5ish and yet are never available on the weekend. i assume they are married and just hiding it. If they want my phone number but are unwilling to give me their's. If they give me only their cell numbers. If they just "disappear" without the courtesy of a good-night, good-bye. I could actually go on, but you get the picture and as i said i tend to be over the top. Again, welcome to the board!

liorsnava -> RE: Did I miss the forest for the trees? (9/11/2007 7:20:32 PM)
Ahhhh.. i wish i could help you, but i have never had this happen before, as i am married to my Master and have been almost 12 years. i would just thank your lucky stars that it happened like it did, and from what i have heard, and read.. he probably wont be the last "Dom" you meet like that.. all ruffled feathers and chest thumping~grin~ i agree that there seem to be a large number of players here, but i suppose its like that in RL too. most of the Doms i have "met" via email here, have been very respectful of my profile and position, and the ones that aren't ? well... Master takes care of them for me... lol

iammachine -> RE: Did I miss the forest for the trees? (9/11/2007 7:37:26 PM)
Really, it's just a matter of taking the time to get to know someone. People can't keep up appearances forever. Be sure to arrange a safe call and meet in a neutral, public place when going to meet!

litleone8620 -> RE: Did I miss the forest for the trees? (9/11/2007 8:10:39 PM)
quote: So my question is, is there anything you do before meeting a Dom to sort of test the waters to see what kind of personality they have? Eventually, people will show their true colors. It's easy to pretend to be someone else, or have a different personality online and on the phone. Basically you just have to wait it out until something happens that makes the person reveal how they really are. Good luck, and welcome to the boards!

Petronius -> RE: Did I miss the forest for the trees? (9/11/2007 8:16:29 PM)
I'm quick to move away from people in the beginning, but I almost never do so on the basis of a single event. It's simply too easy for any human being to have certain core difficulties or weaknesses that can be easily avoided once you know what and where they are. It's also too easy for those things to triggered by accident in the initial "getting to know you" process. But if some whopper happens I damn well expect the person to talk to me about it.

lighthearted -> RE: Did I miss the forest for the trees? (9/11/2007 8:38:36 PM)
the only thing I might suggest is talking on the phone a few times before actually meeting. in this instance, you would have been able to tell him personally what was going on and gauge his reaction from there. and never, ever doubt your instincts; if something strikes you as odd or out of place, then it probably is.

LuckyAlbatross -> RE: Did I miss the forest for the trees? (9/11/2007 9:11:21 PM)
I dunno, this sounds a bit too much you vs him here. I'd want to see exactly what initial email response you gave to him- I doubt it was all peaches n cream. From the description it does sound like you were leading him on. Chicks flake out constantly and try to lead guys on all the time. You were obviously not in a position to form a solid relationship, yet rather than realizing that, you kept trying and making him feel like you were a tease, or unable to make him the priority your words kept saying you felt he was. I can see justifiable anger and resentment over that. Just consider it lesson learned and get your life straight before you decide to get into a relationship- specially one as stressful as a LDR.

Satyr6406 -> RE: Did I miss the forest for the trees? (9/11/2007 9:34:56 PM)
While I don't like to defend what seems like bad behavior, I would like to point out a couple of things ... 1) We are only hearing one side of this and, while I don't think this young lady is being dishonest, one person's "full blown weeny-whining, cursing, holding his breath and turning blue, baby-fit." is another person's "somewhat agitated frustration and disappointment" 2) I think submissives do need to understand that male dominants, especially, run into any number of "submissives" on this site (and other places) that are very good at talking the talk and not walking the walk. I am not saying that is the case with the young lady who originally posted but, I am saying that after turning a truck-load of manure, we can become jaded and start to look for "bullshit", everywhere. Again, not a very "dominant" feature but, we are all still human. 3) The fact that someone who is honest and sincere about meeting might have had to do a good amount of planning and scheduling to make the meeting happen, might make their disappointment a bit more dire. Again, none of this is meant to excuse what really may be bad behavior but, I have heard faaaaaaaar too many "submissives" say: "I am not submissive ALL the time". Well, maybe dominants should be excused some small lapses, too? Peace and comfort, Michael

RRafe -> RE: Did I miss the forest for the trees? (9/11/2007 9:46:16 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: LuckyAlbatross I dunno, this sounds a bit too much you vs him here. I'd want to see exactly what initial email response you gave to him- I doubt it was all peaches n cream. From the description it does sound like you were leading him on. Chicks flake out constantly and try to lead guys on all the time. You were obviously not in a position to form a solid relationship, yet rather than realizing that, you kept trying and making him feel like you were a tease, or unable to make him the priority your words kept saying you felt he was. I can see justifiable anger and resentment over that. Just consider it lesson learned and get your life straight before you decide to get into a relationship- specially one as stressful as a LDR. I've had hopes dashed, and months of time wasted by women who flake out online. I agree,and wish that more of them would get it together first-or stay the hell off the computer. It's not real till it's real.

lovingdomwanted -> RE: Did I miss the forest for the trees? (9/11/2007 10:27:47 PM)
Sounds like you had a lucky escape. We all encounter problems that cause us to change plans at the last moment. There is no excuse for anyone to be nasty or call you names. Be strong, there are some nice people on here! xxxx

Cyntilating -> RE: Did I miss the forest for the trees? (9/12/2007 3:55:28 AM)
[Due to some issues with my family and friends, I have not been able to get time to meet him. I thought I would have time last Friday but then something happened and I ended up having to cancel. I messaged him back ,.........] This part really stood out to me... Life happens....but in this scenario I wouldn't have told him of the cancelled plans via IM..or email.. a phone call is a much better way to hear of/give this news... then all " details and reactions" are considered... must have felt pretty awful to him, to feel like he was dooped....( possibly again..do you even know? ) must have felt horrible for you to hear his lack of control...over something you had little control over ( apparently...life stuff) ....lack of good communication skills and mishandled on both sides IMO...

Stephann -> RE: Did I miss the forest for the trees? (9/12/2007 6:09:00 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: taintedlove75 I am not sure if this is a rant or a question or just a post to blow off steam or all of the above but I seek some opinions on something. I have been talking to a Dom who is somewhat far away. Due to some issues with my family and friends, I have not been able to get time to meet him. I thought I would have time last Friday but then something happened and I ended up having to cancel. This guy goes from being this cool, mild mannered, perfectly poised Dominant into a full blown weeny-whining, cursing, holding his breath and turning blue, baby-fit. He then proceeds to tell me what to do with my profile. I messaged him back stating it was my profile and he was not my Dom and I could do what I wished with it. Then I get this message stating I am a fucking bitch and a lying cunt. I do not stoop to such behaviour and I expect a Dom to be a big boy and act grown up about things soI am just a little blown out of the water. This guy calls himself a Daddy Dom and I have no idea how he can ever hope to control a girl if he cannot even control his own emotions and overreactions. I am so so so glad that I found out this is the way he is before I was actually with him and had to discover his alter-ego in the middle of a rage filled fit, one in which he may have hurt me. I have never been called such names before. Well, not in this context [:D]. So my question is, is there anything you do before meeting a Dom to sort of test the waters to see what kind of personality they have? I feel like I am totally naive yet I am not new at this. I am usually a very good judge of character yet this throws me for a loop. I guess this is just the first experience I have had with a real bonafide asshole who likes to march around and act like a big man until a real adult issue comes up. You could try cancelling on each one to see what he does. To be fair though, 95% when a woman cancels a meeting with me at the last minute, it's because she was hiding something. I find out a week or three later that she had lied about her age, sent fake photographs, lied about being single, whatever. This is the rule, not the exception. If you cancel, you cancel; life happens. If you cancel casually at the last minute, and just expect him to suck it up, you're probably going to find almost every dom you try to meet will be flawed. That's when a good look in the mirror, to see if you're handling things the best way you can is in order. Remember here, you're the one who made the social faux pas. If you didn't handle it as gracefully as you could have/should have, I'd say you might want to re evaluate if you really do have the time and energy to give to a new relationship. Good luck, Stephan

Celeste43 -> RE: Did I miss the forest for the trees? (9/12/2007 6:13:00 AM)
Throwing a tantrum is not the mature response to getting a last minute text saying you can't make it. Stopping contact and moving on is a more mature response. Were you in a car accident or something catastrophical? Or did you cancel because you hadn't properly handled things to make sure you were available? See, barring illness or car troubles there isn't much excuse.

lionesque -> RE: Did I miss the forest for the trees? (9/12/2007 6:22:36 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Satyr6406 2) I think submissives do need to understand that male dominants, especially, run into any number of "submissives" on this site (and other places) that are very good at talking the talk and not walking the walk. I am not saying that is the case with the young lady who originally posted but, I am saying that after turning a truck-load of manure, we can become jaded and start to look for "bullshit", everywhere. Again, not a very "dominant" feature but, we are all still human. Yes, well, may I please point out the obvious in that there are more than a truck-load of "Dominants" out there who are also very good at talking the talk and not walking the walk?

littleone35 -> RE: Did I miss the forest for the trees? (9/12/2007 7:12:58 AM)
I find a good way to test the waters it to talk for a while on the phone before meeting. I talked to my Master for a month and a half before ever meeting him. You are well rid of this so called Dom. Matt's littleone

sexyred1 -> RE: Did I miss the forest for the trees? (9/12/2007 7:33:00 AM)
I guess that those of you who are accusing people of cancelling last minute to be doing so for nefarious reasons, have no serious jobs, or family emergencies, or you never get sick or hit traffic or any number of legitimate reasons for a cancellation. To say that someone who cancels is lying about something is just bullshit. It is very telling when someone blames the submissive for not being "real". Give me a break. As for the reaction of the dominant in question, I do not care what happened, that is inexcusable behavior. If he does not believe her or is pissed, then he can move on, deal with it or talk to her politely, just as most reasonable and sane people do.

toservez -> RE: Did I miss the forest for the trees? (9/12/2007 9:56:53 AM)
I do think although unintentional the agree to meet then not plays into a problem with personal sites that does lead to confrontations of the less then pleasant nature. My advice, much too almost all them males total disdain, is to make them write for awhile before moving forward. I call it “the change” when they first write you they whether consciously or subconsciously are sucking up to you and writing in an effort to phrase or avoid disagreeing and being on their best behavior and tone. Depending on the individual it can be the second or twentieth message they will change how they write in terms of conveying an emotion or opinions and beliefs not formally shared or contradict earlier ones. Once this happen is when I moved forward but not before. People will write subconsciously how they feel and act when they are relaxed and the toss off excuse of poor writing skills does not work for me. Read the tone of the words and you can often tell the difference between anxious and excited then pushy and the guy is a jerk.

sambamanslilgirl -> RE: Did I miss the forest for the trees? (9/12/2007 10:27:52 AM)
i would like to say - we all have a private side to us outside BDSM (well, at least some of us do) unless you're super dom/submissive 24/7/365. there will be times when emergencies pop unexpectedly and certain things do take prescendent over meeting an irate dom who seemingly assumed OP would ignore the emergency and keep the meet with him. i have cancelled last minute on doms before due to emergencies (like taking brain injured UM to ER because she suddenly lost the use of her legs) ...and don't appreciate like i'm sure OP didn't being called a fucking liar, etc etc perhaps she handled it poorly yet the dom in question truly acted like a spoiled, selfish brat. good riddance to him, honey, he wasn't worth it.

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