Trying to understand why subs do such things. (Full Version)

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MegaX50 -> Trying to understand why subs do such things. (9/13/2007 4:38:09 PM)

As having been into the lifestyle for awhile, I have had my up's and down's with subs, meeting them and during the general experiences. My concerns involve around you meet people online, and have what seems to be a quite enjoyable experience with one another. Both expecting the other and saying they do like to finally meet. The meeting seems to go nice, and everyone's calm about it, nothing weird happens.

Until you both split up, and head your own ways, here's where my question implys. Why is it that subs (I'm sure it happens to subs by Master's too but not having this occurance I'm using my view) that suddenly dissapear from the world, block you on everything or lie to get out of spending another second with you?

This makes it feel like however long you were talking online with them trying to make things work go to waste, or worst, completely crush another person's spirit.

I do believe you have a right to decline being with someone, but instead of turning around and being childish about it, why not just say "I don't want to bother because 'I don't like blah blah' about you", at least that may give a chance for a person to see if it's worth changing a little more.

I am just looking from others insights and how they worked it out, if at all.

(Yes, I know their's plenty of beautiful fish in the sea :P)



iammachine -> RE: Trying to understand why subs do such things. (9/13/2007 5:35:42 PM)

Clearly, the other person's impression wasn't a glowing one.

Are they axing you immediately after meeting, or after further conversation? If the latter, maybe you should ask for their impression before assuming that they are interested in maintaining regular contact?  I know, coming from the perspective of someone that has blocked people (as a last resort), it was in response to my demonstrating that I was not interested in the person, and their persisting after I had let them know that no, I'm really not interested. I am not saying this is the case with you, but I think it's fairly easy to have a possible misunderstanding.

Another possibility may be that the blocking party is just not very mature or socially developed. Some people have a very black and white attitude. "You will fit my mold of an expectation I have, or you are no fit at all! [sm=trident.gif] RAWR!!!!" Granted, reality says that there are many different kinds of experiences and relationships, and levels of interaction. But, well, some people are really bent on one specific thing, and if you don't match it, you change from being super cool, to a super pain in the ass  that must be gotten rid of at all costs!

*shrug* It sucks. Without knowing details of specific instances, all I can do is speculate in a broad and probably irrelevant to your actual experience kinda way. [sm=smile.gif]



breatheasone -> RE: Trying to understand why subs do such things. (9/13/2007 5:39:02 PM)

She just wasn't into you and she was a butthead about it....its does suck....



CrymsonSins -> RE: Trying to understand why subs do such things. (9/13/2007 5:53:06 PM)

Obviously she wasn't into you.
but she found you to be a nice person,
so she felt guilty about it.
Then figured that the easiest way to get you out of her hair,
was to cut you off completely.
This isn't rocket science.
Just get over it and move on.
Find yourself another fish and don't linger on this one.



susie -> RE: Trying to understand why subs do such things. (9/13/2007 6:36:40 PM)

Sometimes people find it hard to say "Sorry I am not interested in you after all". Maybe it is guilt that they do not want to see you again or perhaps they are afraid that if they do say something the other party will get nasty.

I have a Dom friend who chats online to a number of subs and sometimes meets them offline with a view to a relationship. One sub that he chatted with, however, was just a friendly chat whenever they were both online. He chatted to her for nearly a year and a half. Nothing personal and mostly just idle chat. Eventually they decided to meet just as friends. They got together for a meal, again chatting about normal friendly stuff. After that meeting she just disappeared. Blocked him on the chat messenger they used and did not answer his texts or email.

When I bumped into her in chat one day I asked her why she had done that. She turned round and said that he was not the "Dom" for her. When I pointed out that they had met as friends and nothing more she said she saw all men as potential partners. He was not one so she cut off all contact as that was her way of saying "no thanks" Interesting way of dealing with people even when others view it a just friends.



MegaX50 -> RE: Trying to understand why subs do such things. (9/13/2007 6:56:25 PM)

Thanks for those who have replied already, I didn't expect such a quick response from so many people.

Looking over, I think iammachine said it best, the whole black & white perspective, but nowadays it seems more people are going back to those ways. Maybe it's due to what's shown on ads, and in books, but it makes out someone to be more than what the real thing is.

To put it simply on what basically happen, talked to this lady for about five months, we got as intimate as one possibly can through the internet, then when she was ready to cross over and meet, we did, and after that never heard from her again.

And yes, I am looking for others at the moment.



RRafe -> RE: Trying to understand why subs do such things. (9/13/2007 9:18:11 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: MegaX50

As having been into the lifestyle for awhile, I have had my up's and down's with subs, meeting them and during the general experiences. My concerns involve around you meet people online, and have what seems to be a quite enjoyable experience with one another. Both expecting the other and saying they do like to finally meet. The meeting seems to go nice, and everyone's calm about it, nothing weird happens.

Until you both split up, and head your own ways, here's where my question implys. Why is it that subs (I'm sure it happens to subs by Master's too but not having this occurance I'm using my view) that suddenly dissapear from the world, block you on everything or lie to get out of spending another second with you?

This makes it feel like however long you were talking online with them trying to make things work go to waste, or worst, completely crush another person's spirit.

I do believe you have a right to decline being with someone, but instead of turning around and being childish about it, why not just say "I don't want to bother because 'I don't like blah blah' about you", at least that may give a chance for a person to see if it's worth changing a little more.

I am just looking from others insights and how they worked it out, if at all.

(Yes, I know their's plenty of beautiful fish in the sea :P)


That sub could be some fat wanking male for all you know. never pin your hopes on a ghost-it's only real in the flesh.



iammachine -> RE: Trying to understand why subs do such things. (9/13/2007 11:18:39 PM)

quote:

Looking over, I think iammachine said it best


Well of course I did! [;)]

Sorry, having a moment of ego fluff. Never mind me.

-iammachine
who really needs to take her ass to bed



zero69u2 -> RE: Trying to understand why subs do such things. (9/14/2007 1:14:30 AM)

ahh internet relationship vaporation. quite a common occurance. 

After a first meeting that seems to be going quite well. in your mind. It might even be going ho-hum in her mind. She up and vanishes from your instant messengers and she all but changes her phone number.

You have to realize that a fairly good looking woman might field 20-25 emails a day. *guessing* She might have decent dating offers from let's say at the least from 2/25. so on a good week she might have 14 doms that have a shot at a date with her.  of those 14 she might pick 3-5 to actually setup dates with.

your 1 of many.. and a good date without a feeling of mutual attraction. may get you put in the 1 night in egypt situation.

things to try next time.
if you know the home address. sending flowers or candy to remind her you care.. can sometimes trigger a phone call from the other side.. ohh how sweet. i forgot his name but here's his name and number on the card.  (can be expensive. but your a rich dom who cares right)

a phone call after the date. where you thank her for the great evening together. if she thanks you back.. you can use this to work on setting up a instant date. or see if a get together in a couple weeks would be possible. if you go out on a friday. don't setup anything until next friday or later.  it gives a cooldown period for her to get hungry again for you.

if she wasn't interested your going to be shut down.. regardless.
there could be any number of reasons that have nothing to do with you or your charming dinner manners.







Cuckme4Life -> RE: Trying to understand why subs do such things. (9/14/2007 1:52:54 AM)

Quite some time back  (like a year and a half ago?) I drove 4 hours away to meet a potential Domme. Kept quiet for the most part once I got there. Her house was one of the nastiest houses I ever been in. It reeked of dog body waste, both kinds.  I never returned a call once I left her place. I didnt wish to embarrass her as to what I thought of her housekeeping and felt it best left unsaid. Maybe I was in the wrong for how I handled my silence and my departure.  I dunno.  Her deal was she insisted I clean up excess  dog mess that she refuses to clean herself.  Just how long had this house been UNCLEANED?? Problem with her equation was it was so filthy I feared for my health. I vomited and gagged incessantly being around it.  Just saying that maybe sometimes a sub might see something they rather stay quiet about.  I did in this particular case. 




CandyLover -> RE: Trying to understand why subs do such things. (9/14/2007 3:19:07 AM)

I know the OP probably refers to more established relationships, but I'll just share my perspective on newer ones.

quote:

ORIGINAL: MegaX50
I do believe you have a right to decline being with someone, but instead of turning around and being childish about it, why not just say "I don't want to bother because 'I don't like blah blah' about you", at least that may give a chance for a person to see if it's worth changing a little more.


That's the reason right there--they're not taking "no" for an answer.  When I reject someone, I don't want to have to give them the whole list of reasons I don't like them.  I'll usually toss one or two out there, and it almost always turns into the "I can change" game.  The "I can change" game reeks of desperation and never ends well.  No means no.

I get a lot of messages from outside of my local area, and when I tell them I'm not interested in a long-distance relationship, they say that I can relocate to them.  In the next message I tell them I'm not interested in relocating, and they'll reply with either "I come to Los Angeles often on business" or "I can relocate to you".  That's when I stop replying.  I'm not going to have a person change major things about themself to fit the relationship that I'm seeking.  It builds a sense of debt on one side and remorse on the other.

Then there are the obsessive types.  If I meet someone who can't keep their hands to themselves at a first coffee meeting, or a person who seems a little too stalker-ish in person, I stop contact right there.  It's far safer to ignore them than give them a response of any sort.



leatherette -> RE: Trying to understand why subs do such things. (9/14/2007 7:34:21 AM)

Is there such a thing as Drama Kings?



murmur -> RE: Trying to understand why subs do such things. (9/14/2007 8:53:25 AM)

Oh yes there is. Plenty. I dated one.

*shudders*



LaTigresse -> RE: Trying to understand why subs do such things. (9/14/2007 9:02:50 AM)

While I have never had it happen that I can remember.....the potential is one of the many reasons I do my very best to avoid getting emotionally attached to ANYONE via the net. It's just not worth the hassle or the heartache.

When we begin talking on the phone....I let them a little closer....after we spend real time together.....THAT is when I begin thinking about wether or not there might actually be something there.

I know that others are more willing to jump in with both feet and I know that there are some sucess stories out there. However, I think there are alot more stories like the OP and I just don't want to go through that kind of shit. It's not worth it.



iammachine -> RE: Trying to understand why subs do such things. (9/14/2007 9:55:01 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: leatherette

Is there such a thing as Drama Kings?


Ohhhh I like your avatar!

and yes, yes there are. Plenty of them!



toservez -> RE: Trying to understand why subs do such things. (9/14/2007 10:01:29 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: CandyLover

I know the OP probably refers to more established relationships, but I'll just share my perspective on newer ones.

quote:

ORIGINAL: MegaX50
I do believe you have a right to decline being with someone, but instead of turning around and being childish about it, why not just say "I don't want to bother because 'I don't like blah blah' about you", at least that may give a chance for a person to see if it's worth changing a little more.


That's the reason right there--they're not taking "no" for an answer.  When I reject someone, I don't want to have to give them the whole list of reasons I don't like them.  I'll usually toss one or two out there, and it almost always turns into the "I can change" game.  The "I can change" game reeks of desperation and never ends well.  No means no.

I get a lot of messages from outside of my local area, and when I tell them I'm not interested in a long-distance relationship, they say that I can relocate to them.  In the next message I tell them I'm not interested in relocating, and they'll reply with either "I come to Los Angeles often on business" or "I can relocate to you".  That's when I stop replying.  I'm not going to have a person change major things about themself to fit the relationship that I'm seeking.  It builds a sense of debt on one side and remorse on the other.

Then there are the obsessive types.  If I meet someone who can't keep their hands to themselves at a first coffee meeting, or a person who seems a little too stalker-ish in person, I stop contact right there.  It's far safer to ignore them than give them a response of any sort.


I agree with this.

It can be different reasons:

They had a much different impression of the actual meeting.

They are immature or some other character flaw.

The one though I will point out from my search online is that the majority of the male dominants that get to the stage of something might happen, and to me this was talking on the phone or meeting one, took the word no very badly or not at all. So I think some woman to be on the safe side or conditioned by dealing with others go with a complete break if they are no longer interested to minimalize potential hassle and safety concern.

Not saying it is right or wrong. Just saying it is what it is.




SirCache -> RE: Trying to understand why subs do such things. (9/14/2007 12:19:50 PM)

I've truthfully never had this happen, to be honest.  Beyond anything else, subs are human beings and some of them may just be avoiding confrontation.



velvetears -> RE: Trying to understand why subs do such things. (9/14/2007 4:55:46 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: MegaX50


This makes it feel like however long you were talking online with them trying to make things work go to waste, or worst, completely crush another person's spirit.



If you are going to use the internet to initially meet subs, as a starting point for real time, you are going to have to grow a tougher hide. Allowing anyone online to "completely crush your spirit" is your own problem not the subs.  




SirDraco7 -> RE: Trying to understand why subs do such things. (9/15/2007 8:56:10 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: CandyLover

That's the reason right there--they're not taking "no" for an answer.  When I reject someone, I don't want to have to give them the whole list of reasons I don't like them.  I'll usually toss one or two out there, and it almost always turns into the "I can change" game.  The "I can change" game reeks of desperation and never ends well.  No means no.
.


I can understand such, but the OP never said that, that happened.
He said they met and when they parted he never heard anything else.  Of course It all depends on what happened at the meeting, but I'd assume that it didn't end horribly or else he wouldn't ask the question.
So he never got the no thanks or I'm not interested or you're not my type line.
After 5 months he at least deserves that.  That is unless he was a total ass, which I'm assuming he wasn't, though maybe he was.
I chalk this situation up to the fact she isn't very mature, perhaps even a little shallow.  Perhaps bit off more than she understood or could chew and got scared?  No matter it was an immature responce.
It's one thing to block and ignore after being nice and they don't accept it, it's another thing to not even be nice and not even give them the chance to be a good person and accept your rejection and walk away with his head high.

Have the jerks uttely ruined it for the rest of us?

But like I said it all depends on what happened at the first meeting.  ::shrugs::



KiandPhoenix -> RE: Trying to understand why subs do such things. (9/15/2007 3:16:29 PM)

Some people want what they can't have, and are not happy, unless they are not happy. I met up with a wonderful young woman in another state once. We spent four days together at her home. There were some issues that made me feel bad. When I got home we discussed them and she was really upset that I was unsure about moving our relationship further along to a dating stance. Two days went by and finally we had worked everything out to both our mutual satisfaction. She basically begged me to be her boyfriend. I agreed the day before she took a trip out of state for a week. When she got back, she cut almost all contact. She requested no phone or IM contact, messages once in a great while would be OK. She really wanted to date me (this was before I was a Dom, but she was learning to be a sub), and probably be submissive to me, but once she had it, she lost all interest. As I understand it, all her boyfriends are long distance, and I suspect that gives her the feeling of not actually having them.

That is probably what was happening to you. You had a great time, but she does not want happiness, nor does she want something anything she can actually get.

~Ki



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