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Assimilation & The Local Scene - 7/17/2005 1:05:57 AM

onuris

Posts: 7
Joined: 7/13/2005
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My interests in BDSM have been with me as long as I can remember, but I've never had the chance to explore the passion. Now that I've found CollarMe I'm filled with more curiosity than ever! So much that I plan on checking out the local scene (or possibly the lack there of?) here in CT/Westchester. However, as you can imagine, I'm pretty nervous. I have two major fears:

1) I've managed to find a "munch" somewhat close to where I live. It sounds very interesting and informative but I'm worried that people there might not be accepting of a new guy, especially one who is relatively younger and who has never even remotely taken part in BDSM. Everybody seems so experienced - what will I be able to talk about without having any knowledge of the topic?

2) I look considerably young. (Infact I was approached by a 15 year old today on the train who started to hit on me assuming I was her own age. You should have seen the look on her face when I told her I was 20). This type of stuff usually leads to confusion over whether I'm my friend's friend, or my friend's little brother. Will people at these local get-togethers take me seriously or will something like this get in the way?

I realize these questions are somewhat rhetorical. You obviously can't judge how other people will react. Still, has anybody experienced these issues before? How did you first introduce yourself to your local scene? Is there any key piece of advice for assimilating into the local crowd?

Any advice would be appreciated.

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RE: Assimilation & The Local Scene - 7/17/2005 2:53:42 AM

onceburned

Posts: 2117
Joined: 1/4/2005
From: Iowa
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I have found that munches are rather vanilla affairs and that the conversations may touch upon kinky activities but rarely in depth. After all, the munch is probably being held in a vanilla location such as a restaurant and scaring the mundanes is something the management frowns on.

So I don't think lack of experience is any barrier. You can always ask the same questions you might at a purely vanilla affair: how long a couple first met, does the organization sponsor events, what is good to eat etc. And if a kinky topic is raised, you can admit inexperience and chances are that people will be happy to share their thoughts.

Age might be a sticky issue simply because some folks are worried about legal matters. But since you think folks will question your age, you might consider finding out who the movers and shakers of the organization are... and if you are comfortable with this, show that person (or persons) proof of your age. That way a person that everyone respects will be able to vouch for you.

I have't noticed any negative views towards younger members. In fact, I think they are especially welcomed. But maybe that is just an Iowa thing. <shrug>

(in reply to onuris)

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RE: Assimilation & The Local Scene - 7/17/2005 7:10:56 AM

EmeraldSlave2

Posts: 3645
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: onuris

My interests in BDSM have been with me as long as I can remember, but I've never had the chance to explore the passion. Now that I've found CollarMe I'm filled with more curiosity than ever! So much that I plan on checking out the local scene (or possibly the lack there of?) here in CT/Westchester. However, as you can imagine, I'm pretty nervous. I have two major fears:

1) I've managed to find a "munch" somewhat close to where I live. It sounds very interesting and informative but I'm worried that people there might not be accepting of a new guy, especially one who is relatively younger and who has never even remotely taken part in BDSM. Everybody seems so experienced - what will I be able to talk about without having any knowledge of the topic?

It's hard to say, one would want to say that you would be welcomed with open arms. But realistically, there might be some suspicions as well, which you seem aware of and so shouldn't be a big deal.

Overall munches are just social times, going with a pretty chick can help you, but go on your own anyway. And since you admit you don't know where to start, use that as your launchpad, ask questions! People love the chance to talk to others about what they know, so give them the chance.

quote:

2) I look considerably young. (Infact I was approached by a 15 year old today on the train who started to hit on me assuming I was her own age. You should have seen the look on her face when I told her I was 20). This type of stuff usually leads to confusion over whether I'm my friend's friend, or my friend's little brother. Will people at these local get-togethers take me seriously or will something like this get in the way?

I realize these questions are somewhat rhetorical. You obviously can't judge how other people will react. Still, has anybody experienced these issues before? How did you first introduce yourself to your local scene? Is there any key piece of advice for assimilating into the local crowd?

Any advice would be appreciated.

Just be yourself since that's the only way to do it in the end. The more people see you coming around, the easier you are to be recognized and for people to know you're not just a in-the-closet-possible-danger. Younger people can have trouble being taken seriously, males even more so. But don't worry, just ask questions, be polite and volunteer where you can. Likely all will be well.

(in reply to onuris)

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RE: Assimilation & The Local Scene - 7/17/2005 8:54:51 AM

SophiaBelle

Posts: 38
Joined: 7/4/2005
Status: offline

Okay.

Well, I can't speak for your area... since I don't live there. However, in the last week I have come out into my local scene, DC.

I as pretty nervous too, for the same reasons. I didn't know anyone, and even though I'd done a lot of reading, I was still physically inexperienced.

So, with incredible luck, ManlessMistress, on this website, messaged me offering to go with me to my first meeting. This was incredible fortuitous considering I always get lost in DC.

So we go, and we are a little late, and we attend the lecture/class, which we both found very interesting. Thereafter we are considering going downstairs to socialize a little when I was approached by another person I had been chatting with on this website, Mr.Sympatico. He introduced us around so that we would know some people. I met so many AMAZING people... I felt like I'd come home. Also of note, there were greeters there to welcome us anyway- so we would have been included no matter what.

So, despite the success of the meeting I was a little anxious, still, about the party/social/play party I was sketched to attend last night. I mustered up my courage to go alone though, arrived and was immediately greeted, and then escorted in so I would feel more comfortable. I sort of hung back for a few minutes and very luckily I was spotted by a couple I'd met on Tuesday. I spent the rest of the night with them and ended up being so very, very happy that I'd gone.

At no point of time was I expected, or forced, or pressured, into doing anything- everyone was up front and honest, they knew I was new and wanted to watch only and so no one tried to con me into anything. No one started getting nasty, or hitting on me, or anything, it was just an awesome socializing and learning experience.

Anyway. I hope that helps allay your fears. I can't promise everything will be perfect, but I think you should take the risk- you have so much to gain in meeting people who you can really, really learn from.

(in reply to EmeraldSlave2)

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RE: Assimilation & The Local Scene - 7/17/2005 9:23:00 AM

RosaB

Posts: 852
Joined: 1/10/2005
Status: offline

Hello onuris,

I can tell you that the Westchester group is a possitive very welcoming group of kinksters. They meet in White Plains and have a group for messaging on Yahoo groups under Westchestermunches. I'll look up the exact link and post it for you if you like.

I can guarantee you will be welcomed with open arms. It is generally an older group of people, but it's still a great group to get your feet wet with from a social standpoint. Also TES, host get togethers, in NYC, geared toward people that are new to the scene.

If you want a hand to grab onto you might also want to visit Masterdale.com, he and some of the visitors to that site attend the Westchester munches. It would be a great place to get encouragement prior to attending the munch. Dale is a wonderful person to ask more about the munches, which is generally runned by Gen and David and held every third Thursday of the month. As a matter of fact there's a W-munch being held this coming Thursday around 7:30 pm.

visit: masterdale.com
I might have a better link for that as well. I come back to post it in a bit.

Good luck with your exploration.

Rosa

(in reply to onuris)

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RE: Assimilation & The Local Scene - 7/17/2005 9:48:53 AM

AAkasha

Posts: 4429
Joined: 11/27/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: onuris

My interests in BDSM have been with me as long as I can remember, but I've never had the chance to explore the passion. Now that I've found CollarMe I'm filled with more curiosity than ever! So much that I plan on checking out the local scene (or possibly the lack there of?) here in CT/Westchester. However, as you can imagine, I'm pretty nervous. I have two major fears:

1) I've managed to find a "munch" somewhat close to where I live. It sounds very interesting and informative but I'm worried that people there might not be accepting of a new guy, especially one who is relatively younger and who has never even remotely taken part in BDSM. Everybody seems so experienced - what will I be able to talk about without having any knowledge of the topic?

2) I look considerably young. (Infact I was approached by a 15 year old today on the train who started to hit on me assuming I was her own age. You should have seen the look on her face when I told her I was 20). This type of stuff usually leads to confusion over whether I'm my friend's friend, or my friend's little brother. Will people at these local get-togethers take me seriously or will something like this get in the way?

I realize these questions are somewhat rhetorical. You obviously can't judge how other people will react. Still, has anybody experienced these issues before? How did you first introduce yourself to your local scene? Is there any key piece of advice for assimilating into the local crowd?

Any advice would be appreciated.

The only thing you might have to worry about is the older male subs getting jealous if the femdoms start fawning over a young cute thing <grin>.

If you find the age group at munches makes you feel out of place, you could also consider looking into alternative/goth/industrial clubs. They cater to a more 18 - 25 year crowd and have a lot of fetish crossover. It's hard to tell what is fashion and what is BDSM posturing, but I think you'll find some kinky people there -- it's a great avenue if you like the music style and/or like to dance. In my 20s I used to go to clubs like that 2 or 3 times a week and often "stalked prey" there. I still go from time to time.

Here's a club of the type in New Haven:
FluxGotham

Not sure how far away that is -- but if you go to your local alternative music place there will be flyers for the appropriate clubs.

Akasha

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Don't email me here, email me at [email protected]

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RE: Assimilation & The Local Scene - 7/17/2005 10:30:36 AM

onuris

Posts: 7
Joined: 7/13/2005
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Thanks for all the encouraging information and experiences. :)

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RE: Assimilation & The Local Scene - 7/17/2005 4:32:10 PM

MistressFire70

Posts: 378
Joined: 7/25/2004
From: North Carolina
Status: offline

Two things:

One, about the age part. Just take your ID and expect to be carded. It's just one of those things.

Two, you're inexperienced and young. If you don't go to the munch, you're still inexperienced and you're a day older. If you do go, you've got a day's worth of experience and you're a day older. Either way, you're still a day older. It's up to you how your spend/live that day.

Fire

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RE: Assimilation & The Local Scene - 7/17/2005 4:38:20 PM

AAkasha

Posts: 4429
Joined: 11/27/2004
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quote:

ORIGINAL: MistressFire70

Two things:

One, about the age part. Just take your ID and expect to be carded. It's just one of those things.

Two, you're inexperienced and young. If you don't go to the munch, you're still inexperienced and you're a day older. If you do go, you've got a day's worth of experience and you're a day older. Either way, you're still a day older. It's up to you how your spend/live that day.

Fire

How does just going to a munch equate to a day's worth of experience? Experience at what? Some people go to munches and never play with anyone, connect with anyone or do anything other than listen to other people.

Who has more experience, a person who has been going to munches for a year and never been in a BDSM experience at all or someone who has never been to a munch but engages in BDSM with a kink-curious, willing partner?

Akasha

_____________________________

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Don't email me here, email me at [email protected]

(in reply to MistressFire70)

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RE: Assimilation & The Local Scene - 7/17/2005 5:48:29 PM

sissybri76

Posts: 5
Joined: 7/14/2005
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I kind of have the same misgivings about attending some of the munches here in Alabama. I am very nervous about actually...meeting people. I guess that I really shouldn't be though, considering that everyone there is in to pretty much the same thing LOL. I guess for me I feel that it is harder, and I could be wrong, for a male submissive to acknowledge his submissiveness/sissiness to others, being as though that is against the male sterotype. This leads me to wonder, is it generally easier for submissive women to begin socially interacting with BDSM groups versus men? I dunno that may not have made much sense, and was just a thought :)

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RE: Assimilation & The Local Scene - 7/17/2005 6:08:37 PM

onceburned

Posts: 2117
Joined: 1/4/2005
From: Iowa
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quote:

I guess for me I feel that it is harder, and I could be wrong, for a male submissive to acknowledge his submissiveness/sissiness to others, being as though that is against the male sterotype. This leads me to wonder, is it generally easier for submissive women to begin socially interacting with BDSM groups versus men?

I don't know of any facts on this subject, but that won't stop me from offering my opinion.

I think you are right, that it is harder for male subs - for the reasons you say. But I also think that much of that worry is misplaced. Most people who attend munches realize that this kink comes in different flavors, and support your right to choose what fits you.

(in reply to sissybri76)

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