Stress (Full Version)

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subsnow -> Stress (9/15/2007 6:48:26 AM)

Being a submissive/slave/bottom/whatever is extremely stressful if you ask me. When I first started my relationship with my current Dom, I was constantly on edge. I was afraid to do something wrong. I was always worried about getting punished. I had so many unanswered questions. I wasn't enjoying the tasks that I was told to do. Now that the D/s aspect of our relationship has slowly dwindled away, I think I'm happier. We still do BDSM stuff but the stress of the D/s relationship isn't there anymore.

I am constantly reading posts from people saying that they screwed up big time. Some are posting questions about what they should do in certain situations. Others are posting about punishments and other situations that they've been in with their Doms. I get the feeling that these people are stressed, tense, and afraid when I read these posts. I sometimes get the feeling that they are also desperate.

I understand that people like to live their lives as submissives and what have you. This is what I wanted tooand I sometimes still do. My questions is why? Why would you want the added stress of trying to please another person when life is stressful enough on its own? Is it because people think that they will have all their problems solved by the Dom? Is it because people think that they will be taken care of?

Perhaps this kind of relationship isn't as stressful to people as it was/is to me. I sometimes wonder what's happened to my view of the D/s relationship. I used to completely understand it. I wanted it all. Now it just boggles my mind and I can't stand it.

How do you feel? What do you think?



jaxnsax -> RE: Stress (9/15/2007 6:57:56 AM)


Greetings subsnow
Personally, BDSM holds very, very little appeal for me. If a flogger, a cane, a whip… is never used on me again, it will not hurt my feelings J
I do however, very much enjoy the dynamic of a M/s relationship; but not because I am hoping that he/she will magically solve all my problems.
I am at my most content when serving another. It is the most peaceful, content, serene feeling that I have ever had.
Some are not wired for such; others are. You are one of the ones who found that you are not wired for it; and that’s good because you can recognize that.
No one solves my problems for me. I may ask for guidance from someone; but ultimately, I am responsible for the path my life takes.
No one takes care of me. I have been taking care of myself since I was 16, and that did not change when I was owned.
Everyone is different; and everyone looks for different aspects in a relationship. What works for you, would not work for another, and vice versa. Personally, you sound happy that you finally found a compromise that you both can live with. Don’t question it; just accept it and live it to its fullest J
jaxon



Celeste43 -> RE: Stress (9/15/2007 7:01:39 AM)

For me it's less stressful. I prefer knowing what to do rather than wondering if he'll like what I do or not. Knowing that if he doesn't like it, he'll just tell me and then I can change it makes me happier.

But we don't have a punishment dynamic. If he wants tea and I poured him out a glass of water, it's no big deal for us. Just means I get up and make a cup of tea.

Was it doing things he liked that was stressful or worrying about punishment? Because there are lots of us that don't do punishment, we just communicate openly instead.



dollylima -> RE: Stress (9/15/2007 7:01:53 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: subsnow
I understand that people like to live their lives as submissives and what have you. I did too and I sometimes still do. My questions is why?


I can not relate to the type of relationship you are describing here. While I call myself a submissive and we operate under an ever-present, central D/s dynamic...I do not feel stressed out all the time because Im trying to figure out what pleases him, worrying about getting punished, etc.
Those are not signs of a D/s relationship, in my view. They are, rather, signs of a not-quite-healthy relationship. And, yes, being in a f*cked up situation where you don't know the rules because they aren't clearly communicated, your partner looks for ways to trip you up and/or feed you guilt for "messing up", you have to be a mind-reader or you live in constant fear of being "punished", well, that can take its toll on a gal.
Thankfully, the only (Ha! Only!) stress I feel right now has to do with homeschooling my UM, working in a high-stress job, planning a wedding on a shoestring budget and downsizing our household/preparing our house for a substantial lifestyle change (No, we are not pregnant! :-) )
All positive things, yet still stressful. If I had to add on top of all that the kind of unsure-ness (is that a word) and insecurity you describe above, heck, I'd be catatonic.
It troubles me when I read accounts of what seem to be relationships built by people who lack basic coping skills and who interact repeatedly with what reads as a set of terribly dysfunctional behavior patterns, all the while accepting this as what D/s/BDSM relationships are like. It isnt. There are healthy, happy, spiritually grounded, loving (and in-love) couples and other configurations out there who are leading happy, fulfilled and exciting lives together, and still getting their kink on.



Cyntilating -> RE: Stress (9/15/2007 7:13:49 AM)

Hi Subsnow
 
[I am constantly reading posts from people saying that they screwed up big time. Some are posting questions about what they should do in certain situations. Others are posting about punishments and other situations that they've been in with their Doms. I get the feeling that these people are stressed, tense, and afraid when I read these posts. I sometimes get the feeling that they are also desperate. ]

You will and can also find those who are talking about their relationships who learn AND laugh through their mistakes...who are treated as ADULTS first and foremost and have entire relationships, with the ups and downs, struggles and joys and who work together through it all.  Discipline does not have to be about perfection or disobedience.  Boundaries and authority dynamics are what we call it in my/our relationship...
Stress is something that we deal with together, not create for one another...heck, life brings us enough of that on its own.  
Rigidity is for cocks and stocks..
life flows..and so do we...together.
 
Perfectionism is one of my character flaws...something he helps me get past..not something he expects of me..
 
perhaps what you are feeling is stress because youre basing/viewing what Ds/Ms/bdsm is for others and trying to fit yourself into someone elses molds> rather than finding what is compatible for your happiness and fulfillment as YOU define it in a relationship.....??
 



Mercnbeth -> RE: Stress (9/15/2007 7:23:55 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: subsnow
Being a submissive/slave/bottom/whatever is extremely stressful if you ask me.


well, that's YOU.  thankfully, we are not all carbon copies of each other.

quote:

When I first started my relationship with my current Dom, I was constantly on edge.


this slave is always comfortable around Master...but if she is on an edge, it is because He wants her there for His own purposes.  this slave has accepted that.

quote:

 I was afraid to do something wrong.


there is no fear with Master...this slave trusts Him completely.

quote:

 I was always worried about getting punished.


this slave never worries about getting punishment...that is for Master to decide.

quote:

I had so many unanswered questions.


this slave is allowed to ask Master any question she cares to, as long as it is in a respectful manner.

quote:

 I wasn't enjoying the tasks that I was told to do.


the fact this slave is doing the task for Master is the enjoyment, not the task in and of itself...unless the task is eating chocolate or something...

quote:

 Now that the D/s aspect of our relationship has slowly dwindled away, I think I'm happier.


Maybe a D/s relationship isn't a good fit for you and your partner.  There is NOTHING wrong with that.

quote:

 We still do BDSM stuff but the stress of the D/s relationship isn't there anymore.


why would you want it there?  if it is a constant hardship, frustrating stress and diminishing your quality of life, what is the point?

quote:

I am constantly reading posts from people saying that they screwed up big time. Some are posting questions about what they should do in certain situations. Others are posting about punishments and other situations that they've been in with their Doms. I get the feeling that these people are stressed, tense, and afraid when I read these posts. I sometimes get the feeling that they are also desperate.


this slave sees the same posts...and wonders why they don't take their issues to their partner...and leave them there.  obviously, that's not how everyone rolls.

quote:

Why would you want the added stress of trying to please another person when life is stressful enough on its own?


in pleasing Master, this slave finds pleasure, contentment, joy and bliss.  stress has nothing to do with this slave's life or her duties to Master.

quote:

 Is it because people think that they will have all their problems solved by the Dom?


Although Master is a fantastic problem-solver, this slave didn't come to Him to be fixed...she came to serve.

quote:

 Is it because people think that they will be taken care of?


in our relationship, we take care of each other...He decides how, when, where, the duration, the wardrobe, the setting, etc.



proudsub -> RE: Stress (9/15/2007 7:32:21 AM)

quote:

Being a submissive/slave/bottom/whatever is extremely stressful if you ask me. When I first started my relationship with my current Dom, I was constantly on edge. I was afraid to do something wrong. I was always worried about getting punished. I had so many unanswered questions. I wasn't enjoying the tasks that I was told to do. Now that the D/s aspect of our relationship has slowly dwindled away, I think I'm happier. We still do BDSM stuff but the stress of the D/s relationship isn't there anymore.


I'm glad you are happier now, sounds like you enjoy being a "bottom" which is great, the 24/7 wasn't for you.  I find i am very content with little stress being a 24/7 submissive. I've always felt it was my position to serve Hubby. I have never been "punished", just verbally scolded for my mistakes. If you were constantly afraid and had a lot of unanswered questions, it sounds like there was some lack of communication in your relationship.




subsnow -> RE: Stress (9/15/2007 7:33:52 AM)

I just had an epiphany. I was responding to a thread on child abuse and it's relation to BDSM and the D/s dynamic. It brought something to my attention. I was emotionally and psychologically abused as a kid. My stepfather was very controlling. They say that you marry your parents. I think that I originally was attracted to a D/s relationship because that's what I was used to. Now that I am dealing with the issues that my past has caused me, this kind of a relationship is not appealing anymore. I now know that my ideas are not worthless and that I CAN control my own life. (Edited to add that I know that you can still be in control of your life when in a D/s relationship. I was in it for the wrong reasons.) I think my understanding of this will help me have a more healthy and productive relationship.

I am currently in a relationship. I'm happy with how it's turned out. He's more of a DaddyDom now than he was in the beginning. The control aspect stays in the bedroom for the most part. My Dom has mentioned bringing the D/s dynamic back when things settle down for him. I was afraid of this at first but I think it will be ok with some good communication.

Wow....that realization felt good. I hope this doesn't bring a halt to the thread though. I'm still interested in hearing people's opinions.



softness -> RE: Stress (9/15/2007 7:33:54 AM)

if a relationship was that stressfull and uncomfortable - then i would guess most here would argue it was not a healthy and happy one

M/s or D/s are only stressful if the partners in the dynamic are not a good fit for eachother, no harm no foul, no bad mouthing of either party, but just not a good fit.

all relationships .. work/home/vanilla/Ds/guy next to you on the train ... become stressful when they are uneven, unhealthy or ill-matched .. it has nothing to do with the specific Ms dynamic .. its the core relationship

edited becaue i obviously lft my spelling hat at work



RRafe -> RE: Stress (9/15/2007 7:35:56 AM)

Stress in this field is usually related to drama kings and queens. The easy going ones are not so bad.



mistoferin -> RE: Stress (9/15/2007 7:37:06 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: subsnow

Being a submissive/slave/bottom/whatever is extremely stressful if you ask me. When I first started my relationship with my current Dom, I was constantly on edge. I was afraid to do something wrong. I was always worried about getting punished. I had so many unanswered questions. I wasn't enjoying the tasks that I was told to do. Now that the D/s aspect of our relationship has slowly dwindled away, I think I'm happier. We still do BDSM stuff but the stress of the D/s relationship isn't there anymore.

I am constantly reading posts from people saying that they screwed up big time. Some are posting questions about what they should do in certain situations. Others are posting about punishments and other situations that they've been in with their Doms. I get the feeling that these people are stressed, tense, and afraid when I read these posts. I sometimes get the feeling that they are also desperate.

I understand that people like to live their lives as submissives and what have you. This is what I wanted tooand I sometimes still do. My questions is why? Why would you want the added stress of trying to please another person when life is stressful enough on its own? Is it because people think that they will have all their problems solved by the Dom? Is it because people think that they will be taken care of?

Perhaps this kind of relationship isn't as stressful to people as it was/is to me. I sometimes wonder what's happened to my view of the D/s relationship. I used to completely understand it. I wanted it all. Now it just boggles my mind and I can't stand it.

How do you feel? What do you think?


I think that the majority of people who "find" this lifestyle, find it through the kink aspects of it. They are excited and tittilated by that and think that in order to have that they have to recreate the rest of themselves in order to keep participating. It's like they are square pegs trying repeatedly to force themselves into round holes. Yeah, that would be a lot of work and pretty damn stressful. If people who are Tops and bottoms could more readily be comfortable with being that and that alone, it would clear a lot of the murkiness in the water. For some reason though, many seem to feel as though they have to adopt and conform to be things that they just aren't. Personally, if it was that much work and that stressful....I wouldn't want any part of it. It should be something that occurs as naturally as breathing.



subsnow -> RE: Stress (9/15/2007 7:40:18 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: softness

if a relationship was that stressfull and uncomfortable - then i would guess most here would argue it was not a healthy and happy one

M/s or D/s are only stressful if the partners in the dynamic are not a good fit for eachother, no harm no foul, no bad mouthing of either party, but just not a good fit.

all relationships .. work/home/vanilla/Ds/guy next to you on the train ... become stressful when they are uneven, unhealthy or ill-matched .. it has nothing to do with the specific Ms dynamic .. its the core relationship

edited becaue i obviously lft my spelling hat at work

We are a good fit for each other. D/s just wasn't a good fit for us. Things are great now between us.



SeeksOnlyOne -> RE: Stress (9/15/2007 7:43:41 AM)

if i couldnt be me around him, i wouldnt be around him......life aint sposed to be that hard......



eyesopened -> RE: Stress (9/15/2007 7:55:12 AM)

Stress is felt when there is mental or emotional conflict.  understanding the dichotomy of D/s can help minimize this conflict in my opinion.

"trying to please another person"  seems to be what you are finding stressful. 

i learned a good lesson years ago that when i try to do things to please someone else i am, in fact, being self focused instead of other focused.  i was put through an excercise which taught me to BE pleasing rather than try to please. There is a difference.  A flower doesn't DO anything and yet it is pleasing.  Often, just relaxing, being yourself, and allow positive and pleasant energy flow is all that is necessary.  D/s should not be an endurance test or an obstacle course, it is a way of being.



thetammyjo -> RE: Stress (9/15/2007 8:03:47 AM)

First let me say that in the beginning of any relationship there is both euphoria and stress for both people. The less experience you have in that type of dynamic, the more stress I think is normal for both parties to feel.

Second Fox will tell you that being a slave is not a happy carefree life -- note he says slave, when we do just focus on a strict sub/dom scene for fun, he gets to totally relax, to just be and react. Perhaps subsnow is using the term "submissive" here as we use the term "slave." If so, keep reading, if not you might want to ignore what follows.

Being someone's slave is stressful. Serving, foreseeing what is needed, providing service before ordered, making another person's life your primary focus, it is stressful and especially if you were raised to think about things as partnerships or to put yourself first or to exercise authority yourself. Plus you have all these expectations of what a slave should be so not only do you have external fears of failure (punishments) but also internal fears of failure.

Internal fear, at least for Fox, is the number one feeder of stress for him. He copes in two ways. First, he tries to ask me for feedback and he tries to accept my view of the quality of his service. Second he told me about his stress and this then put it into my realm of authority to as great a degree as realistic. I help by providing feedback and clear directions, I help by making my expectations as clear as possible and providing opportunity to practice things.

Here's the kicker. The stress is less than the pleasure and sense of value he gets from serving me. Only he can measure that comparison. I personally think that if the stress outweighs the positives (or any negatives outweigh the positives) that means the relationship needs to be reevaluated and perhaps ended. There is enough negatives in this world all ready and we don't need to be adding to it.

One way to avoid the negatives outweighing the positives is to begin slowly. Another is of course communication. I think that self reflection and growing awareness also helps. Finally I think attempting to separate the fantasy from realistic expectations is a huge help for most things in life.

To address some of the other posts: I don't think that stress free is a sign of a good dynamic because I don't think stress free is really possibly 100% of the time. Feeling free to be oneself is important but that does not mean that you never feel stress just that it is far less than if you felt you were playing or acting a role.



softness -> RE: Stress (9/15/2007 8:08:02 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: eyesopened

Stress is felt when there is mental or emotional conflict.  understanding the dichotomy of D/s can help minimize this conflict in my opinion.

"trying to please another person"  seems to be what you are finding stressful. 

i learned a good lesson years ago that when i try to do things to please someone else i am, in fact, being self focused instead of other focused.  i was put through an excercise which taught me to BE pleasing rather than try to please. There is a difference.  A flower doesn't DO anything and yet it is pleasing.  Often, just relaxing, being yourself, and allow positive and pleasant energy flow is all that is necessary.  D/s should not be an endurance test or an obstacle course, it is a way of being.


I went through a similar thing ... I was shown it was what I was and not the things I did that ultimately created the pleasing atmsophere .. I consider this a huge turning point in my understanding of service.



Squeakers -> RE: Stress (9/15/2007 8:52:02 AM)

Everyone has stress, I think the difference is in how people handle it.   Sometimes there are just events in my life that I simply have no control over, and for me, it is the fact that I have no control that causes the stress and not the situation itself.   But you do have some control over a D/s relationship.    Communication!!!    Why worry over screwing up when you have not even screwed up yet?   Ask questions, you stated you had so many unanswered question.    Put it in a what if senerio to your Master?   "How would you react if I did (blank)?  What sort of punishment could I expect if I did (lbank)?    Ask what his expectations are?    Would it not relieve anxiety if you knew that if you tripped over your big toe and dropped a bowl of soup on the floor that he would simply say, "Way to go grace?", instead of sending you to fetch a bullwhip.
       Is this the flip side of the mythical perfect White Knight?   The horrible Sadistic Dom who  punishes at the drop of that hat, because your period came a day early, or erred in some other human way.   



Cyntilating -> RE: Stress (9/15/2007 9:13:33 AM)

eyesopened
 
{put through an excercise which taught me to BE pleasing rather than try to please. There is a difference.  A flower doesn't DO anything and yet it is pleasing.  Often, just relaxing, being yourself, and allow positive and pleasant energy flow is all that is necessary.  D/s should not be an endurance test or an obstacle course, it is a way of being. }

this is wonderful!!! thanks for sharing it : )



Littlepita -> RE: Stress (9/15/2007 9:16:00 AM)

Our motto is, "If it ain't fun, don't do it" [;)]

The only stress I felt was in the very beginning when we were getting to know one another and I wanted to be perfect. Well, that silliness ended quick enough and I once again began breathing and having fun.

That you have unanswered questions is a confusion to me. I have never had a question that he didn't do his very best to answer. I have never worried about punishment because we have a warning system that has worked flawlessly for 18 months.

Has there been a lack of communication from one or both of you? I found that as we have grown in our relationship and our D/s we have had to reevaluate what we are doing often to make sure that we are both living up the motto.

At any event, if you are now a happier person than terrific! There is no rule other than you should be living your passion and finding your bliss.



AquaticSub -> RE: Stress (9/15/2007 10:01:47 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: subsnow

My questions is why? Why would you want the added stress of trying to please another person when life is stressful enough on its own?

Because it does not add stress. Pleasing Valyraen is not an impossible task. I stock the foods he likes, clean the house, make sure his clothes are clean, do my schoolwork, that sort of thing.

Valyraen punishes me - it doesn't stress me out and I'm certainly not desperate or afraid. This is the most fulfilling relationship I've ever been in. Punishment is never unfair and not to be feared in this house.
quote:


Is it because people think that they will have all their problems solved by the Dom? Is it because people think that they will be taken care of?

Well I certainly don't think that. Valyraen doesn't solve all my problems. He does, however, solve the problem of not having someone to cuddle with and play Star Wars Battlefront with. That was a serious problem. As for taken care of... some dominants do take care of their submissives, if by that you mean they provide a house, food, medical care and so on.
quote:


Perhaps this kind of relationship isn't as stressful to people as it was/is to me.

That is where I'm putting my money.
quote:


I sometimes wonder what's happened to my view of the D/s relationship. I used to completely understand it. I wanted it all. Now it just boggles my mind and I can't stand it.

How do you feel? What do you think?

People change. Or maybe you never really wanted it, you wanted the idea of it. No shame in that. Glad things are less stressful for you now, but I have to say this is the lowest stress relationship I have ever been in.



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