RE: What's the difference between being "out" as gay and "out" as kinky?

RE: What's the difference between being "out" as gay and "out" as kinky? (Full Version)

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SirDraco7 -> RE: What's the difference between being "out" as gay and "out" as kinky? (9/16/2007 5:35:28 AM)
quote: And if you're just kinky, do you keep a pretty tight closet door or is it something people just know about you as part of your identity? I don't flaunt it, but nor am I hidden. Many of my family I'm sure know, some might suspect, but it's nothing that I openly talk about. It's not that I'm ashamed, if it ever comes up I won't deny it, but... It's best left unsaid. The size of my family is one reason, and the very.. vanilla nature of it is another. Plus I do hide it from my work. I deal with children on occasion and I don't want any bible thumper finding anything out and freaking out causing me to lose my job. It probally won't happen ever even if I was 'out' there, but I perfer to be safe and not take chances. Perhaps one day I'll come out with my family, but I'll take the day when it comes...

SolarAndViolet -> RE: What's the difference between being "out" as gay and "out" as kinky? (9/16/2007 6:20:36 AM)
Hmm.. I dunno.... But if I'm posting personal things to my kinky friends on myspace, I have a user name that I do not offer to my employers. I doubt they will go, hack into my personal home computer to get my other user names to see if I'm posting something naughty among 1million+ other internet users. Just a thought. 'violet'

MadameMarque -> RE: What's the difference between being "out" as gay and "out" as kinky? (9/16/2007 6:41:04 AM)
This reminded me of a thread entitled, "Are people ashamed to be associated with BDSM?" So, I looked it up. Here is a link to my answer to the poster's question: http://www.collarchat.com/m_836711/mpage_1/key_/tm.htm#837030 "I don't date that often. Most people think I'm too weird." Date? "That's because you are too weird," said M. "'Tenjou tenka yuiga dokuson'," G. quoted softly. "In heaven and on earth, there is only one of me." - from "Solo," by !Super Cat

Celeste43 -> RE: What's the difference between being "out" as gay and "out" as kinky? (9/16/2007 7:28:07 AM)
I grew up on one of Fire Island's gay communities. Seeing two men holding hands in the grocery store is no big deal. Having them block the aisle while they discuss loudly which cucumber to put in their ass is annoying as hell. It's too much information. I don't want to know if the one with the blue t shirt does the fucking and the one in the green gets fucked. And I feel the same way about heterosexuals and bisexuals. The only people I want to know intimate details about is someone I'm seeing or contemplating getting serious about. Anybody else shoving details of their sex life down my throat is being rude as hell. As is sending your sub to the store in a see through shirt to buy just a giant cucumber and a bottle of lube with instructions to go through the checkout with the young goodlooking girl and orders to invite her along. Or having your male sub ask the elderly woman in the bra section of Macy's to advise him which bra makes him look most sissyish. I don't want to know if my sister gave her a husband a blow job last night either.

FangsNfeet -> RE: What's the difference between being "out" as gay and "out" as kinky? (9/16/2007 3:44:29 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: DominaSmartass So are you saying that gay people should keep that to themselves too and that if they are 100% out to friends, family, and coworkers that they are just doing it for attention? Just trying to clarify... Like I said, "some people" wish to flaunt out due to there rebelious side to fight comformity. They want to be the reble, outsider, and the one shouting "You don't know how it feels to be me!" For someone who is gay, you could call this type of person a Drama Queen. As for people in other life styles, a Punk or Goth may be deemed as a Shock Rocker. A country redneck hick also likes to stand out with tight wranglers, spurs, and a belt buckle bigger than his face and shines bright enough for you see yourself. Not everyone flaunts there life style for attention. A life style may be expressed rather than flaunted to show they are not afraid. If we can't live and dress the way we want, then what's the point to it all? Some know they will stand out and possibly be mocked. But being yourself is a big part of being happy.

thetammyjo -> RE: What's the difference between being "out" as gay and "out" as kinky? (9/16/2007 3:53:50 PM)
People know what they need to know (our friends need to know about my family because they will be in our house; professional colleagues only as much as any socializing requires; family as much they desire because they all live far away) and what they ask about (because I won't lie). I begin by introducing Tom as my husband and any live in slave by his/her name. If I'm asked what the relationship is I say "secondary" partner and if asked again I say "slave". Usually people never asked beyond the "secondary" definition because they honestly don't care or don't want to know. I think most folks are good about knowing their limits on the matter. Those that aren't and are nosy sort of deserve a shock in my opinion.

subboi3382 -> RE: What's the difference between being "out" as gay and "out" as kinky? (9/16/2007 6:00:17 PM)
the big difference is that in many ways coming out as queer make things alot easier, you don't need to come out as kinky except to a partner or soemthing

earthycouple -> RE: What's the difference between being "out" as gay and "out" as kinky? (9/16/2007 6:03:49 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: LATEXBABY64 one reason i feel that i do not want everyone know is. If your doing business for a company and our doing this huge sale or getting a customer. they saw you on a porn site or in the news. it could blow a chance of really making a huge deal or hurt your business. making money in this world is important to eat and pay bills what does porn have to do with it? Just because I'm a dominant doesn't mean I enjoy porn...as a matter of fact I don't. And CollarMe is NOT a porn site.

earthycouple -> RE: What's the difference between being "out" as gay and "out" as kinky? (9/16/2007 6:12:11 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: LATEXBABY64 the thing of it is empolyers are now looking at my space to see if your on their. with competition the way it is for high end jobs you need all the edge you can get and what does my space have to do with it? just because people are kinky doesn't mean they have a my space page displaying their kinks and interests...the question isn't about flaunting it all over the web...it is about opening up to those around us. Most of my friends generally find out I'm dominant...even if they never learn that I keep needles close by for sticking in people they get that my personality is more dominant and that I prefer deference in some people.....anyone who asks a question in which the answer may squick them....I typically say "only ask if you really want to know" then I take it from there. As far as gay vs. wiitwd....I really think that homosexuals have made farther strides because they've tried to make those strides....we are not far behind, me thinks (thinking of the Mistress Mandy commercial and Mistress Heather on CSI)

SolarAndViolet -> RE: What's the difference between being "out" as gay and "out" as kinky? (9/16/2007 6:53:25 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: earthycouple ...the question isn't about flaunting it all over the web...it is about opening up to those around us. Most of my friends generally find out I'm dominant...even if they never learn that I keep needles close by for sticking in people they get that my personality is more dominant and that I prefer deference in some people.....anyone who asks a question in which the answer may squick them....I typically say "only ask if you really want to know" then I take it from there. As far as gay vs. wiitwd....I really think that homosexuals have made farther strides because they've tried to make those strides....we are not far behind, me thinks (thinking of the Mistress Mandy commercial and Mistress Heather on CSI) Thank you! I was going to point that out myself. So many people have jumped on the question from a wrong side and gone into exaggerated examples of "flaunting" and "discussing personal things on the train/in the store". Several have said "I don't care what goes on in people's bedrooms" But if we just think for a moment that for many people BDSM is not just about the bedroom or sex. "Coming out" doesn't mean telling strangers on the street what your sessions with your partners consist of... It's about being open with people in your life, friends and family about your life.. If and only -IF- they are interested to know more about you. Some are able to do that, others are not. Yes, opinions vary, lives vary, that's fine. But just because someone is open about their lifestyle, doesn't mean they are flaunting it or forcing it onto others. 'violet'

AquaticSub -> RE: What's the difference between being "out" as gay and "out" as kinky? (9/16/2007 7:09:35 PM)
~Fast Reply~ I find that it is much easier to come out as bisexual rather than as a submissive woman in a 24/7 relationship with a dominant man. As for why I care about not having to hide it? Because sometimes I have to call to get permission for things, because sometimes it's obvious I want another drink or another soda and saying I don't want it just doesn't cut it. Because pretending that the power dynamic is my relationship is equal is just that - pretending. I don't flaunt it, but if you don't know about it you aren't my friend. A person doesn't need to know about my sex life, but if they aren't close enough to know that that I have an owner, they just aren't close enough to be considered a friend. Same for me being bisexual. If I'm not close enough or if I don't trust you enough to tell you that I'm bisexual, you just aren't a friend to me. Otherwise I wouldn't bother pretending to be someone I'm not in front of you.

DominaSmartass -> RE: What's the difference between being "out" as gay and "out" as kinky? (9/16/2007 8:26:33 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: SolarAndViolet quote: ORIGINAL: earthycouple ...the question isn't about flaunting it all over the web...it is about opening up to those around us. Most of my friends generally find out I'm dominant...even if they never learn that I keep needles close by for sticking in people they get that my personality is more dominant and that I prefer deference in some people.....anyone who asks a question in which the answer may squick them....I typically say "only ask if you really want to know" then I take it from there. As far as gay vs. wiitwd....I really think that homosexuals have made farther strides because they've tried to make those strides....we are not far behind, me thinks (thinking of the Mistress Mandy commercial and Mistress Heather on CSI) Thank you! I was going to point that out myself. So many people have jumped on the question from a wrong side and gone into exaggerated examples of "flaunting" and "discussing personal things on the train/in the store". Several have said "I don't care what goes on in people's bedrooms" But if we just think for a moment that for many people BDSM is not just about the bedroom or sex. "Coming out" doesn't mean telling strangers on the street what your sessions with your partners consist of... It's about being open with people in your life, friends and family about your life.. If and only -IF- they are interested to know more about you. Some are able to do that, others are not. Yes, opinions vary, lives vary, that's fine. But just because someone is open about their lifestyle, doesn't mean they are flaunting it or forcing it onto others. 'violet' Exactly. You say it so well, violet. For me, being dominant is not all about what happens in the bedroom so there's no need to assume that because people know the basics of me being a dom that they know all the details or that I shove any details down their throats. I would never do any of the examples mentioned about public stuff, grocery stores, etc., even though the fantasy sounds fun. But I'm not into exposing my partner as a weirdo to the general public (nor would he even follow a command to do something like that.) When I say that I'm out, I mean that when people ask me about my relationship, I often tell them the truth, that I "wear the pants." If they want to know more I often tell them initially that my partner and I are sort of the opposite of what would be expected in terms of masculine and feminine roles within the relationship and if they still want to know more I will tell them more. My relationship is a genderqueer/genderfluid one as well though and not just kinky so that's a whole aspect that may be more acceptable to people, sort of like being gay. But for me it's all tangled up anyway. One more quick thing to Earthycouple, do you really see those examples (Mistress Mandy and Mistress Heather) as steps in the right direction? I'm not sure about CSI, haven't seen these but I think the TV commercial for using your Vchip is kind of silly and stereotypical.

DiurnalVampire -> RE: What's the difference between being "out" as gay and "out" as kinky? (9/16/2007 8:37:07 PM)
I am bi and kinky. Both facts are on a strictly need to know basis, for me. Not becasue I am hiding anything, just becasue I really see no reason to talk about my social life, or lack thereof on occasion. When I was in a vanilla marriage, I didnt discuss my husband and our goings on with friends unless they asked. I dont see why that would change becasue I now own a slave. I have no qualms about my friends and coworkers knowing I am bi, and i have several friends here that know about my kink. Those that it wont freak out, I'll tell. However, often to avoid the sily set of stereotypical questions I have heard so often, if I think someone will find my choices more of a curiousity and forget the rest of who I am, I dont tell. I am more than my lifestyle choice and some people can handle that and accept it as just another facet of who i am and some get hung up on it. I try and avoid the hangups as often as possible. DV

Ponyboy7 -> RE: What's the difference between being "out" as gay and "out" as kinky? (9/16/2007 8:48:20 PM)
I certainly don't advertise my sex life, but I am "out" to most of my close friends. They know my general interests, but I don't go into any details, just as I would not if I were vanilla. Sometimes they are a little curious, and so we can talk in general terms about it, but it is not something I bring up in a conversation. It is not something that I would bring up to strangers either; if someone specifically asked me, I would be honest and tell him/her, but that has not happened. The only people with whom I am close but who do not know, are my family. They would probably be accepting of it, but it is not something that I would specifically tell them (or hide from them for that matter).

fairfaxswitch -> RE: What's the difference between being "out" as gay and "out" as kinky? (9/16/2007 8:52:30 PM)
Arent kinky and gay two different words with different meanings? Being kinky doesnt necessarily depend on whether you are gay and vice versa. Maybe I didnt get the gist of the topic but thats what happens when you are sleepy.

xoxi -> RE: What's the difference between being "out" as gay and "out" as kinky? (9/16/2007 9:14:54 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: AquaticSub I don't flaunt it, but if you don't know about it you aren't my friend. A person doesn't need to know about my sex life, but if they aren't close enough to know that that I have an owner, they just aren't close enough to be considered a friend. Same for me being bisexual. If I'm not close enough or if I don't trust you enough to tell you that I'm bisexual, you just aren't a friend to me. Otherwise I wouldn't bother pretending to be someone I'm not in front of you. Awwww...I consider you my bestestest friend too [:)] [/snark] I actually love your posts and think you're totally awesome. But until we share a pint of Ben and Jerry's because we hang out so much our cycles line up...we're not best friends [;)]

AquaticSub -> RE: What's the difference between being "out" as gay and "out" as kinky? (9/16/2007 9:28:25 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: xoxi I actually love your posts and think you're totally awesome. But until we share a pint of Ben and Jerry's because we hang out so much our cycles line up...we're not best friends [;)] For me, someone isn't my best friend until they help me pick out sex toys! [:D]

xoxi -> RE: What's the difference between being "out" as gay and "out" as kinky? (9/16/2007 9:38:40 PM)
OK OK I will show you where to find the Feeldoe but I will not help you practice with it [8D]

AquaticSub -> RE: What's the difference between being "out" as gay and "out" as kinky? (9/16/2007 9:40:09 PM)
Deal! I've been wanting to buy one of those anyway...

straygirl -> RE: What's the difference between being "out" as gay and "out" as kinky? (9/17/2007 9:21:54 PM)
When I was still living my life as a polyamorous vanilla person I did not talk about my sex life to many people other than those closest to me but at the same time never denied nor tried to hide the fact that I was not monogamous. Now that I'm involved in kinky sex I still don't talk aboutmy sex life and I'm still open to those whom I consider close to my heart about my two partners.

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