Collarspace Discussion Forums


Home  Login  Search 

What's the difference between being "out" as gay and "out" as kinky?


View related threads: (in this forum | in all forums)

Logged in as: Guest
 
All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> General BDSM Discussion >> What's the difference between being "out" as gay and "out" as kinky? Page: [1] 2   next >   >>
Login
Message << Older Topic   Newer Topic >>
What's the difference between being "out" as ... - 9/15/2007 6:48:58 PM   
DominaSmartass


Posts: 961
Joined: 1/12/2006
From: This month? Maryland
Status: offline 		I was thinking about this today considering I just realized that most people in my life know that I am kinky, to some extent. Doesn't meant I share the same level of detail with everyone but I feel like it's a part of my life that's hard to hide - at least without a lot of lying about where I go when I go out of town to conferences and leatherfests. I work with several gay people who are extremely out and I basically consider it the same thing. It's not something everyone has to know but it's not something I keep hidden either. I choose whom to tell based on the vibe I get from them and there are certainly some people I'd never tell in a million years (like my grandparents maybe.) In fact, the only person I'm really close to in my life that I'm not out to in the least is my dad, which is rather weird since it's some of his own friends who gave me such concepts as gay and Leather to begin with (I had an odd childhood.) So I'm wondering what the difference is to you all? If you're gay and kinky, do you find you're more out about one over the other? And if you're just kinky, do you keep a pretty tight closet door or is it something people just know about you as part of your identity?

Talk amongst yourselves :)

_____________________________

“These S&M people ... they are bossy! There’s also a creepy connection between leather sex, ‘Star Trek’ and the Renaissance Faire.”

- Comedian Margaret Cho
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: What's the difference between being "out"... - 9/15/2007 7:06:16 PM   
LATEXBABY64


Posts: 2107
Joined: 4/8/2004
Status: offline 		i never could understand the excitement people got from flaunting the fact they are kinky or preference's. WHO CARES. It is no bodies business anyway. Some people do not want to know make think less of you cause of their values. Some times being secretive is a good thing

(in reply to DominaSmartass)
Profile   Post #: 2
RE: What's the difference between being "out"... - 9/15/2007 7:46:28 PM   
FangsNfeet


Posts: 3758
Joined: 12/3/2004
Status: offline 		The bottom line is that if you're not the one that I'm fucking, sucking, eating out, whiping, beating, or have tied up, then my kink and sex life is none of your business.
On a psych level, some people feel the need to be special and stand out from the crowd. Be religion, sex life, life style, or a new extreme hobby, these people will flaunt it out for the attention. Some find it impowering to have knowledge a code or sub culture that the majority may find confusing.  Then there is the flip side of just wanting to fit in to the closest group near you. In that case, the person will act out that life style or culture so he can catch the eye of the group and feel accepted to be in the elite group that has it's own thing. 

My self esteem is in check and I have nothing to prove. I have nothing to hide but I also don't care to share unless someone would like advice. I'm not ashamed of my life style but I do enjoy a little privacy.     

_____________________________

I'm Godzilla and you're Japan

(in reply to DominaSmartass)
Profile   Post #: 3
RE: What's the difference between being "out"... - 9/15/2007 7:54:54 PM   
DominaSmartass


Posts: 961
Joined: 1/12/2006
From: This month? Maryland
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: FangsNfeet
On a psych level, some people feel the need to be special and stand out from the crowd. Be religion, sex life, life style, or a new extreme hobby, these people will flaunt it out for the attention.      


So are you saying that gay people should keep that to themselves too and that if they are 100% out to friends, family, and coworkers that they are just doing it for attention?  Just trying to clarify...


_____________________________

“These S&M people ... they are bossy! There’s also a creepy connection between leather sex, ‘Star Trek’ and the Renaissance Faire.”

- Comedian Margaret Cho

(in reply to FangsNfeet)
Profile   Post #: 4
RE: What's the difference between being "out"... - 9/15/2007 8:06:12 PM   
catize


Posts: 3020
Joined: 3/7/2006
Status: offline 		SubSusie can bring DominantDan home and few people would assume their relationship is kinky.  However, if she shows up at the door with
DominantDanielle, some assumptions might be made about their sex life.

_____________________________

"Power is real. But it's a lot less real if it's not perceived as power."
Robert Parker, Stranger in Paradise

(in reply to DominaSmartass)
Profile   Post #: 5
RE: What's the difference between being "out"... - 9/15/2007 8:10:44 PM   
kdsub


Posts: 12180
Joined: 8/16/2007
Status: offline 		I envy people that can be honest with friends and family about their sexual and or lifestyle preferences. They must be brave, stupid or insensitive.
My lifestyle is my business only… unless knowledge of it unnecessarily hurts someone I love or my livelihood. I fear that both will happen if I am open so I hide my lifestyle at all costs.
Perhaps to many I seem weak displaying this attitude but I know my family and it would devastate them to know my perversions. I have known too many gay or bi men and women who when outed, either by accident or on purpose, suffered at their place of employment.
A BDSM lifestyle can pose problems enough but add to that gay or bi and then to that one or more perversions and at the least you will be open to prejudice.
Bottom line… be true to yourself….don’t flaunt your private affairs…be considerate of others and their feelings in this matter…and the hell with the rest.
Butch

(in reply to catize)
Profile   Post #: 6
RE: What's the difference between being "out"... - 9/15/2007 8:28:52 PM   
beargonewild


Posts: 22716
Joined: 5/7/2007
Status: offline 		As a gay male, I've found I have had more negative reactions to my sexual orientation then to me being a kinkster. Though I don't hide my oreintation, neither do I flaunt it. I also apply this rule to my appetite for kink. I am open to talk about the whys and wherefores to another person yet that is determined by how open they appear to be on wanting to know about how my life is lived, I will not discuss the details of my sex life to most people that is because I am basically a private type person, and what I do in the bedroom only concerns myself and the person(s) with me. 

_____________________________

Do Not Rile da Chosen Bear

Promiscuous boy you already know
That I’m all yours what you waiting for?

Resident MANWHORE ~1000 Bear pts~

10 NZ points
Whips~n~Cuffs

(in reply to kdsub)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: What's the difference between being "out"... - 9/15/2007 8:36:49 PM   
crouchingtigress


Posts: 4387
Joined: 3/19/2006
From: Maui
Status: offline 		i tell people if they ask or seem interested.
i dont have any hang ups about it because i work for myself....but at the same time its very labor intensive to tell people about this lifestyle, it goes better in layers and that takes up a lot of time so i save my explanations for folks that have that hunger in thier eyes.....*g*

_____________________________


Service slut, durable plaything, and ponypenquincatdogpig, to Lee Harrington

This is him

"Its none of my buisness what other people think of me."




(in reply to beargonewild)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: What's the difference between being "out"... - 9/15/2007 8:46:01 PM   
hejira92


Posts: 2272
Joined: 10/27/2005
From: Palm Beach County, Fl
Status: offline 		I sometimes wish I could be as "out" as my gay friends. Not because I want to flaunt my sex life, but because of the 'double-speak' required to communicate. My Master is NOT my "boyfriend", but I refer to Him as just that several times a day. I consider my sexuality to be more submissive than hetero- or homosexual. I easily submit to either or both sexes (Master decides).
 
As a teacher (underpaid and yet held to a higher standard), I do not feel I could come out in any manner. Yet the gay teachers in my school have no problem.
The gay community has made huge strides, but is still fighting for normalcy almost 40 years after Stonewall. We have years and years to go.

< Message edited by hejira92 -- 9/15/2007 8:47:34 PM >

_____________________________

Property of Cuffkinks

Member:
The Pimpettes
MoGa's IN-Crowd

"You're the gleam in my eye, the smile on my face and the bulge in my pants" - Cuffkinks

(in reply to beargonewild)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: What's the difference between being "out"... - 9/15/2007 9:42:22 PM   
SolarAndViolet


Posts: 85
Joined: 8/26/2007
Status: offline 		I don't flaunt my interests to everyone around it, but I do not hide it either. I don't do anything that might offend those who don't want to know but if someone notices or suspects and ask me, I'll tell them. I don't go jumping at the first chance to tell people about it. I do wear a collar in public but hey, that might just be a fashion statement as far as most people concerned.

Now my family knows. My mom chose to talk to me about it briefly, but my sister chooses not to, and I respect that. Some families/friends might not be so accepting. I'm glad my family is, or at least silent, hehe :) I feel like I did 'come out' in a way. For my thesis project this last year I made a film about BDSM because I feel passionately that there should be more films that show a positive side of the lifestyle instead of always spinning an exaggerated and dark/negative outlook. As an artist, I don't feel like this has offended anyone, and I've not heard anything of the like. But as a consequence, my professors, classmates, family and close friends did make a good wild guess that I know about the lifestyle more than what simple research might require. I'm glad I did that. It made me feel free and real as an artist and as a person. And I'm glad to have had such understanding people around me. Those who were not too comfortable didn't ask about it, but didn't turn away from me either. Some were curious enough to ask and I explained.

To me, people around me don't -have to- know. But it feels nice that they do. I can be myself completely and don't need to put on a facade of socially accepted normalcy. My interests and my life is normal to me.

Just my 2 cents.

'violet'

P.S. For those who say "What goes on in your bedroom is no one's business" I agree. But for some people (and myself included) the lifestyle stretches our beyond just bedroom and sex. It's part of my life and who I am.



_____________________________

Vici, Vidi, Veni... (S)

Happy to be owned by Sir (V) (violetaelf)

(in reply to DominaSmartass)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: What's the difference between being "out"... - 9/15/2007 9:48:26 PM   
iammachine


Posts: 1549
Joined: 1/25/2006
Status: offline 		I'm fairly "out" but not entirely. I don't feel a need to broadcast. Most of my friends know, many aquaintances do as well. People who have no business knowing intimate details about my life, don't. I'm not "out" to my family, but I'm not close to them, either. 

_____________________________

I still hear you scream... in every breath, every single motion

(in reply to DominaSmartass)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: What's the difference between being "out"... - 9/15/2007 9:54:16 PM   
xoxi


Posts: 1066
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: DominaSmartass

So are you saying that gay people should keep that to themselves too and that if they are 100% out to friends, family, and coworkers that they are just doing it for attention?  Just trying to clarify...



I will say that, definitely.  Not about simply coming out (although I don't think it should be such a huge deal...no need to take the whole family to Old Country Buffet just to tell them you're gay...at least wait til you have a boyfriend to bring home) but  "Gay pride" annoys the shit out of me.  I don't care what you do in bed Mr. Loud Guy On The Train so keep it to yourself.

There's a BIG difference between a gay guy casually saying "I just saw that movie with my boyfriend" or "I can't tonight because I'm having dinner with my boyfriend" and wearing a lavender tshirt with QUEER emblazoned on it, affecting a lisp that wasn't there the day before he came out, and refusing to say "go straight" when giving directions (YES I have heard that. More than twice.)

Being gay is totally cool but I don't go around saying in loud tones in public "Oh my god I love the cock" and it kind of irks me when anyone does. Gay or straight.

< Message edited by xoxi -- 9/15/2007 9:56:44 PM >

(in reply to DominaSmartass)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: What's the difference between being "out"... - 9/15/2007 9:58:01 PM   
LATEXBABY64


Posts: 2107
Joined: 4/8/2004
Status: offline 		one  reason i feel that i do not want everyone know is. If your doing business for a company and our doing this huge sale or getting a customer. they saw you on a porn site or in the news. it could blow a chance of really making a huge deal or hurt your business. making money in this world is important to eat and pay bills

(in reply to iammachine)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: What's the difference between being "out"... - 9/15/2007 10:25:49 PM   
Domin8tingUrDrmz


Posts: 1269
Joined: 4/8/2006
From: Portland Metro, Oregon
Status: offline 		Okay.  That was funny.  It might not have meant to be...but it was.  What on earth does 'coming out' have to do with being in a porn or on the news?

I'm out to most of my friends and close acquaintances.  A good bit of my family knows...my mother wouldn't understand, it would confuse her, so, she doesnt need to know.

The reason I choose to be out is simple.  I'd much rather be myself.  I don't want to feel the need to try to 'behave' in a 'normal' fashion.  I am me.  Love me, like me, hate me, your choice - but don't tell me how to live my life.  Now I don't go around yelling at the top of my lungs, "Look at me! I'm kinky!"  I don't bring it up just for the sake of conversation, but, there are times when certain words are muttered that make someone say "huh"?  When they say that, I simply explain.  But, most of my friends and acquaintances are fairly open minded (because I wouldn't have it any other way).

_____________________________

4 out of 3 people have trouble with fractions.

Ask a Mistress Forum FAQ
Profile Help

(in reply to LATEXBABY64)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: What's the difference between being "out"... - 9/15/2007 10:46:16 PM   
MzMia


Posts: 5333
Joined: 7/30/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: xoxi

quote:

ORIGINAL: DominaSmartass

So are you saying that gay people should keep that to themselves too and that if they are 100% out to friends, family, and coworkers that they are just doing it for attention?  Just trying to clarify...



I will say that, definitely.  Not about simply coming out (although I don't think it should be such a huge deal...no need to take the whole family to Old Country Buffet just to tell them you're gay...at least wait til you have a boyfriend to bring home) but  "Gay pride" annoys the shit out of me.  I don't care what you do in bed Mr. Loud Guy On The Train so keep it to yourself.

There's a BIG difference between a gay guy casually saying "I just saw that movie with my boyfriend" or "I can't tonight because I'm having dinner with my boyfriend" and wearing a lavender tshirt with QUEER emblazoned on it, affecting a lisp that wasn't there the day before he came out, and refusing to say "go straight" when giving directions (YES I have heard that. More than twice.)

Being gay is totally cool but I don't go around saying in loud tones in public "Oh my god I love the cock" and it kind of irks me when anyone does. Gay or straight.


Okay you need to know that I agree with almost everything you post.
I also love the way you express yourself.

In D.C. certain area's are known hang outs for the gay/lesbian communities.
Dupont Circle is known around the world for being a really "open" community.
You will see men holding hands, hugging and maybe kissing.
I don't mind people being "open", but I don't feel the need to shout anything from the rooftops.
But then, I have always been a somewhat "private" person.
I get a thrill out of being someone, that you would probably never suspect.
Until we are alone and close the front door.
I am not someone who has EVER engaged in pda's {public displays of affection}.
But I will certainly watch others!  I am a voyeur and I love to look.
Who wants to go with me to the club and play drag queen bingo?

< Message edited by MzMia -- 9/15/2007 11:08:38 PM >

_____________________________

Namaste'
To Each His/Her Own
"DENIAL ain't just a river in Egypt." Mark Twain


What's your favorite fetish?
"My partner's whisper"--bloomswell

(in reply to xoxi)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: What's the difference between being "out"... - 9/15/2007 11:12:10 PM   
DominaSmartass


Posts: 961
Joined: 1/12/2006
From: This month? Maryland
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: kdsub

I envy people that can be honest with friends and family about their sexual and or lifestyle preferences. They must be brave, stupid or insensitive.


Hmm... I'm not sure how to take this, as I am none of the above. Just very comfortable with myself and honest.  It's not really flaunting it, as many have said, but people I am close to pick on things without me having to really say anything. And when people do pick up on stuff and want to know more, I have no problem telling them. (I do spend 12 hours a day with my coworkers and they are my close friends at the moment so we  share a lot of personal info....so it's perhaps different from more uptight professions.) Certainly, it's not something about myself that anyone and everyone needs to know and beyond my closest circle of "friends" as opposed to everyone else, acquaintences, etc., no one does know. But still, the number of generally vanilla people who know is significantly larger than I imagine it to be for most.  Maybe it's also because of my age, it's really not a tabu. There are several people in the office who are gay and we talk about their latest sexploits and in turn they want to know what I'm doing this weekend. Finally tired of hiding and playing sweet and innocent, I've just been honest and they seem to love hearing all about stuff. Again, there's a difference between this and just introducing myself to random people like, "I'm Ellen...23, living in Miami, and guess what? I'm kinky."  But

quote:

My lifestyle is my business only… unless knowledge of it unnecessarily hurts someone I love or my livelihood. I fear that both will happen if I am open so I hide my lifestyle at all costs.


Not sure I'm getting that either...unless there's a typo, I'm confused.
quote:


Perhaps to many I seem weak displaying this attitude but I know my family and it would devastate them to know my perversions. I have known too many gay or bi men and women who when outed, either by accident or on purpose, suffered at their place of employment.


Nope, I don't think its' weakness, just a choice.  I think being open and out is equally fine as being closeted and private as long as discretion is used, which in my case it is. I didn't mean to imply that I tell everyone I meet indescriminantly because that's not the case. It just happens that I am surrounded primarily by people who are totally cool and in fact get as much of a kick out of me telling them about my life as I do hearing about theirs. I guess not many people talk about blow jobs, penis size, and S&M at work, but then again that's TV for you and I know I'm extremely lucky! But it's not for everyone, I was just curious.



_____________________________

“These S&M people ... they are bossy! There’s also a creepy connection between leather sex, ‘Star Trek’ and the Renaissance Faire.”

- Comedian Margaret Cho

(in reply to kdsub)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: What's the difference between being "out"... - 9/16/2007 12:30:44 AM   
LATEXBABY64


Posts: 2107
Joined: 4/8/2004
Status: offline 		the thing of it is empolyers are now looking at my space to see if your on their. with competition the way it is for high end jobs you need all the edge you can get

(in reply to Domin8tingUrDrmz)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: What's the difference between being "out"... - 9/16/2007 1:19:33 AM   
SusanofO


Posts: 5672
Joined: 12/19/2005
Status: offline 		My personal opinion is that in today's social climate,  but mostly depending (IMO) almost completely on which social and work circles you inhabit, it is more difficult to be accepted as "Kinky" than it is to be accepted for being Gay or a Lesbian. 

And I think some of this can at times depend on how "in your face" some want to be, toward people who appear to not be accepting of either (for whatever reason). I am not saying it's wrong to want to be open about one's orientation (at all), I am saying that is what I've personally observed (and I also live in Nebraska, a very conservative state).

I think people should habdle this however they feel will be most comforable for them, as well as their loved ones.

- Susan


< Message edited by SusanofO -- 9/16/2007 1:21:05 AM >

_____________________________

"Hope is the thing with feathers,
That perches in the soul,
And sings the tune without the words,
And never stops at all". - Emily Dickinson

(in reply to LATEXBABY64)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: What's the difference between being "out"... - 9/16/2007 1:23:08 AM   
Domin8tingUrDrmz


Posts: 1269
Joined: 4/8/2006
From: Portland Metro, Oregon
Status: offline 		Nevermind.

_____________________________

4 out of 3 people have trouble with fractions.

Ask a Mistress Forum FAQ
Profile Help

(in reply to LATEXBABY64)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: What's the difference between being "out"... - 9/16/2007 1:56:12 AM   
hisannabelle


Posts: 1992
Joined: 12/3/2006
From: Tallahassee, FL, USA
Status: offline
quote:

So I'm wondering what the difference is to you all? If you're gay and kinky, do you find you're more out about one over the other? And if you're just kinky, do you keep a pretty tight closet door or is it something people just know about you as part of your identity?


i'm bisexual and kinky, and it depends. i'm pretty much out to everyone that i'm bisexual. it's not something that i have a problem advertising. it's all over my myspace, facebook, etc. but i don't have bdsm stuff on those kinds of things that i would show to everybody...nonetheless if someone asks me, it's something i'll talk about. but i'm less out with it, i suppose.


_____________________________

a'ishah (the artist formerly known as annabelle)
i have the kind of beauty that moves...

(in reply to Domin8tingUrDrmz)
Profile   Post #: 20
Page:   [1] 2   next >   >>
All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> General BDSM Discussion >> What's the difference between being "out" as gay and "out" as kinky? Page: [1] 2   next >   >>
Jump to:





New Messages No New Messages
Hot Topic w/ New Messages Hot Topic w/o New Messages
Locked w/ New Messages Locked w/o New Messages
 Post New Thread
 Reply to Message
 Post New Poll
 Submit Vote
 Delete My Own Post
 Delete My Own Thread
 Rate Posts




Collarchat.com © 2025
Terms of Service Privacy Policy Spam Policy

0.093