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Subs Insecurity - 9/16/2007 6:48:54 AM   
Babybass


Posts: 230
Joined: 7/30/2007
Status: offline 		I was reading a post in the Ask a Mistress forum on subs jealousy - and it brought to mind a problem that i tend to have from time to time - insecurity. Have you found that insecurity is typical in a sub - as it is a vunerable possition to relinquish control to another. If you have come across this problem with a sub how have you addressed it - was it by reassuring them when they expressed insecurity or was there another way? And finally, if you have found that insecurity tends to be a trait in your sub is that something that annoys or frustrates you?

I have found that I can feel insecure even when i know that i have no reason to feel this way - i know that i am loved so it is not that i am insecure in his love. Maybe it is not insecurity at all - maybe it is simply a feeling of being vunerable! All thoughts welcome!!!

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"To be nobody but yourself in a world which is doing its best day and night to make you like everybody else means to fight the hardest battle which any human being can fight and never stop fighting" - e e cummings
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RE: Subs Insecurity - 9/16/2007 6:51:54 AM   
bandit25


Posts: 3029
Joined: 6/18/2005
Status: offline 		I don't think insecurity has anything to do with being submissive or dominant.  Course I don't really understand insecurity anyway.  I also think it's an internal thing; that is, I don't think that others have much to do with it at all.  You are either securre or you're not.  What I mean is, sure, you can be insecure in some things due to skill level, knowledge, etc. but on the whole, I think it's up to each individual to deal with it.

(in reply to Babybass)
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RE: Subs Insecurity - 9/16/2007 6:57:40 AM   
jaxnsax


Posts: 106
Status: offline
Greetings
I would have to agree with what bandit25 said; that insecurity/security have nothing to do with being submissive or Dominant.
Insecurity comes from within; a person feels insecure because they doubt themselves in some way. I personally don’t think that it is up to a partner to quell feelings of insecurity; it is up to the individual person.
jaxon

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A wise man makes his own decisions, an ignorant man follows the public opinion.
~Chinese Proverb~

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RE: Subs Insecurity - 9/16/2007 6:58:23 AM   
mmb1


Posts: 304
Joined: 8/3/2007
Status: offline 		I think insecurity in certain ways is a human emotion that all have at one time or another, both submissives and Dominants.

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RE: Subs Insecurity - 9/16/2007 6:59:52 AM   
mmb1


Posts: 304
Joined: 8/3/2007
Status: offline 		And it is up to the person experiencing it to deal with it individually when it occurs, I don't need someone else to deal with it, when I experience it, it is my responsibility.

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RE: Subs Insecurity - 9/16/2007 7:03:21 AM   
PureAmbrosia


Posts: 2
Joined: 6/6/2007
Status: offline 		i had to get on this band wagon....i agree to be human is to understand insecurities...and many a time it can be carried through from our vanilla lives and past experiences...sadly not so easy to shake when one has been abused emotionally...
in time we hope we can leave our insecurities behind...but again sadly memories can spark them off again at any given moment...
i am a very confident submissive...but i have my fair share of insecurities...i am human first....

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RE: Subs Insecurity - 9/16/2007 7:04:22 AM   
RRafe


Posts: 2060
Joined: 8/29/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Babybass

I was reading a post in the Ask a Mistress forum on subs jealousy - and it brought to mind a problem that i tend to have from time to time - insecurity. Have you found that insecurity is typical in a sub - as it is a vunerable possition to relinquish control to another. If you have come across this problem with a sub how have you addressed it - was it by reassuring them when they expressed insecurity or was there another way? And finally, if you have found that insecurity tends to be a trait in your sub is that something that annoys or frustrates you?

I have found that I can feel insecure even when i know that i have no reason to feel this way - i know that i am loved so it is not that i am insecure in his love. Maybe it is not insecurity at all - maybe it is simply a feeling of being vunerable! All thoughts welcome!!!


No one really has security in this world-it's an illusion.

You can have worth however. If one can accept that one has enough worth to be worth keeping-it helps. The worst of insecurity always comes from feeling that you don't measure up-acceptance is the key.

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I seem to be some wierd combination of Ren and Stimpy

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RE: Subs Insecurity - 9/16/2007 7:06:56 AM   
mmb1


Posts: 304
Joined: 8/3/2007
Status: offline 		A good point RRafe :)

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RE: Subs Insecurity - 9/16/2007 7:09:29 AM   
Babybass


Posts: 230
Joined: 7/30/2007
Status: offline 		I do agree with all of that - it is something that the person must deal with and not not something for someone else to 'fix'. I have been talking to other subs who also feel insecure from time to time so i was wondering if this was a trend or if it was just a case that i tend to gravitate towards people that are like me!!
I do get insecure - and as i said i may just feel vunerable - from time to time. I always express this to my Master as i express all of my thoughts to Him. Telling Him why i feel insecure helps - i do not expect Him to make me more secure - but he does always reassure me and discusses what has made me insecure. I do worry though that if there is a trend - whereby every few weeks i get into a very insecure state on mind that this will cause annoyance! I also wonder why i get insecure - but my thoughts on that would fill a book!!

_____________________________

"To be nobody but yourself in a world which is doing its best day and night to make you like everybody else means to fight the hardest battle which any human being can fight and never stop fighting" - e e cummings

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RE: Subs Insecurity - 9/16/2007 7:11:36 AM   
RRafe


Posts: 2060
Joined: 8/29/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: mmb1

A good point RRafe :)


At the same time, I was always a hard nose. No one made points with me by sitting on her ass and doing nada. I wanted to see effort and thought. It's not so much growth, as just being active.

Get busy living, or get busy dyin.

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I seem to be some wierd combination of Ren and Stimpy

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RE: Subs Insecurity - 9/16/2007 7:21:13 AM   
earthycouple


Posts: 4462
Joined: 2/19/2006
Status: offline 		Having security and feeling insecure are not the same.  I am secure in knowing my  husband loves me...the life's insecurity comes with not knowing if he'll be with me til I die...after all he could die first, right?  I'm secure in my knowledge of my field of work.  Life's insecurity comes because I may not always have this particular job I have at this moment.  I am secure in knowing the world will always (at least in my lifetime) need nurses.  The insecurity of life is that I personally may not be able to find work should this particular job disintegrate. 

There is security in this world.  It is all in how we perceive it.

The OP asks about one's insecurities and I believe we all have them.  Boiling this down I would venture to guess the OP is referring to insecurities we have a part of a couple or potential couple (regardless of what type of relationship or what the "orientation" of the person it said relationship)

Yeah...we all have moments of insecurity, methinks.  There are some things about me I simply know to be fact and trust wholeheartedly:  I love with my heart, full speed, non stop. I am versed and knowlegeable in anything I do that causes pain in regards to what it is that we do (I don't do it if I'm not).  My insecurities?  Will he love me at the same break neck speed I love him?  I don't know.  Insecure.  Will he trust my capabilities at first?  Got me.  I hope so though.  Insecure.

I could go on all day...

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D~

Seeking, searching, hoping, living, loving, jumping. So what's new with you?

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RE: Subs Insecurity - 9/16/2007 7:35:45 AM   
celticlord2112


Posts: 5732
Status: offline 		In my experience, insecurity is a part of any relationship, and arises whether one is submissive, dominant, or even if power exchange is not part of the dynamic.

From time to time, my slave expresses the fear that I will someday grow weary of her "imperfections", that she will disappoint one time too many, and be released.

For myself, I find myself constantly battling the fear that I will push her limits too far, too fast, or that she will get tired of putting up with my rules and requirements, and she will decide to release herself.

I am of the opinion this is a good thing.  Fear of losing the relationship inspires us to work on and grow the relationship.  Fear of losing her makes me celebrate each and every day I have with her.


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RE: Subs Insecurity - 9/16/2007 7:51:20 AM   
RRafe


Posts: 2060
Joined: 8/29/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: celticlord2112

In my experience, insecurity is a part of any relationship, and arises whether one is submissive, dominant, or even if power exchange is not part of the dynamic.

From time to time, my slave expresses the fear that I will someday grow weary of her "imperfections", that she will disappoint one time too many, and be released.

For myself, I find myself constantly battling the fear that I will push her limits too far, too fast, or that she will get tired of putting up with my rules and requirements, and she will decide to release herself.

I am of the opinion this is a good thing.  Fear of losing the relationship inspires us to work on and grow the relationship.  Fear of losing her makes me celebrate each and every day I have with her.



Which is exactly why I gave up structured D/s and now just use an organic model-it has almost no stress-we do what we feel.

_____________________________

I seem to be some wierd combination of Ren and Stimpy

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RE: Subs Insecurity - 9/16/2007 8:38:38 AM   
celticlord2112


Posts: 5732
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: RRafe

quote:

ORIGINAL: celticlord2112

In my experience, insecurity is a part of any relationship, and arises whether one is submissive, dominant, or even if power exchange is not part of the dynamic.

From time to time, my slave expresses the fear that I will someday grow weary of her "imperfections", that she will disappoint one time too many, and be released.

For myself, I find myself constantly battling the fear that I will push her limits too far, too fast, or that she will get tired of putting up with my rules and requirements, and she will decide to release herself.

I am of the opinion this is a good thing.  Fear of losing the relationship inspires us to work on and grow the relationship.  Fear of losing her makes me celebrate each and every day I have with her.



Which is exactly why I gave up structured D/s and now just use an organic model-it has almost no stress-we do what we feel.


To each is own.  Myself, I rather enjoy the challenge.  Keeps me fully engaged in the relationship.


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RE: Subs Insecurity - 9/16/2007 8:42:14 AM   
RRafe


Posts: 2060
Joined: 8/29/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: celticlord2112

quote:

ORIGINAL: RRafe

quote:

ORIGINAL: celticlord2112

In my experience, insecurity is a part of any relationship, and arises whether one is submissive, dominant, or even if power exchange is not part of the dynamic.

From time to time, my slave expresses the fear that I will someday grow weary of her "imperfections", that she will disappoint one time too many, and be released.

For myself, I find myself constantly battling the fear that I will push her limits too far, too fast, or that she will get tired of putting up with my rules and requirements, and she will decide to release herself.

I am of the opinion this is a good thing.  Fear of losing the relationship inspires us to work on and grow the relationship.  Fear of losing her makes me celebrate each and every day I have with her.



Which is exactly why I gave up structured D/s and now just use an organic model-it has almost no stress-we do what we feel.


To each is own.  Myself, I rather enjoy the challenge.  Keeps me fully engaged in the relationship.



True, but I'm an artist. I use my creativity to keep me engaged-it works for me.

_____________________________

I seem to be some wierd combination of Ren and Stimpy

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RE: Subs Insecurity - 9/16/2007 8:43:48 AM   
celticlord2112


Posts: 5732
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: RRafe

True, but I'm an artist. I use my creativity to keep me engaged-it works for me.


Ah...there you go.  I'm an engineer.  Everything according to design!


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RE: Subs Insecurity - 9/16/2007 10:08:18 AM   
NefertariReborn


Posts: 381
Status: offline 		*watches the tennis match*

To the op:  I think everyone experiences insecurity whether they admit it or not.  There are some dominants and submissives who do a good job of providing an environment where those insecurities can be dealt with.  Past performance proves that they will be there when the flare up happens.  And then there are others who really don't give a damn whether you're insecure or not.  I think it's up to each person to find the person who best matches their strengths and weaknesses.  If you're prone to anxiousness best IMO to serve a Dom/me who understands that and doesn't feed it or ignore it, but rather does what is necessary to extinguish it. 

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RE: Subs Insecurity - 9/16/2007 2:38:52 PM   
iammachine


Posts: 1549
Joined: 1/25/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: mmb1

I think insecurity in certain ways is a human emotion that all have at one time or another, both submissives and Dominants.


quoted for truth


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I still hear you scream... in every breath, every single motion

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RE: Subs Insecurity - 9/16/2007 2:45:36 PM   
murmur


Posts: 394
Joined: 9/26/2005
Status: offline 		I'm wondering what you meant by an organic model as a relationship? Just curious.

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Become who you are. - Socrate

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RE: Subs Insecurity - 9/16/2007 7:16:34 PM   
servantheart


Posts: 960
Joined: 10/26/2006
From: Houston, TX
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: celticlord2112

Fear of losing the relationship inspires us to work on and grow the relationship. 


I agree.  People have to work in order to not take each other for granted, for when they do, complacency sets in and that's when they're most  likely to lose what they have. 
 
 

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When you really trust someone, you have to be okay with not understanding some things.
~Real Live Preacher, Real Live Preacher weblog, 07-08-04; Anonymous author of RealLivePreacher.com

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