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Adult abuse - 9/16/2007 9:34:25 AM   
Twice


Posts: 179
Joined: 9/15/2005
From: Gainesville, Florida
Status: offline 		So there's been a thread on childhood abuse... but what about adult?  For me, I think it really affects my submission.  I wish I could let Him do more to me, but I have to have hard limits on some things, for my own well-being.  (And, unfortunately, a lot of them are very popular activities... I can't take being forced or humiliated or anything reminiscent of the assault because it just puts me back in that same headspace and I feel like utter crap.)  Of course, He knows this and He is wonderful about it and doesn't push me at all to do anything that will emotionally hurt me.  I trust Him entirely, but sometimes the memories flare up and it scares me and it isn't Him or what He's doing... it's just memory attacking me.

I guess there's no easy way to make it go away, but I was wondering how anyone else dealt with this?


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RE: Adult abuse - 9/16/2007 9:43:47 AM   
slaverosebeauty


Posts: 1941
Joined: 12/12/2004
From: Cali
Status: offline 		I am a 3 time rape survivor, and I do enjoy a bit of rough sex and play, and being 'taken' at times, yet, I have been VERY honest with MJ and with past partners so they know about it or at least are aware of it. I have done what I can without reliving the hells of rape to keep it undercontrol when I get into a situation with my partner where those memories MAY show up. For me, I go into low-space when I am around MJ, so those thoughts and sensations are not aroudn since I already feel trust and a connection with Him; I also know that MJ will NOT push and that He is a good Man who has respect for me and would not harm or injure me.
 
I am like you in that I do NOT participate in some things that are considered 'popular' or mainstream, I have my reasons, but almost 10 years of off and on r/t teaches you things.  I dont make excuses or apologize for my preferances, if someone doesn't like them and they cannot be an adult enough to look at things from my point of view or negoiate, then they can exit. MJ likes a few things that I do NOT like, after we sat down and talked about them at length and 'defined' them for each of us, we realized that most of it was fine a few things have had to be put on the back burner for later discussions or we agreed to leave them alone and they are 'non-issues' now.
 
Most things come down to COMMUNICATION. Communicating with your partner, being honest and upfront. If you cannot do that, then you cannot have a healthy productive relationship.   

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"Friends live on in our hearts, regardless if they are here or not."

(in reply to Twice)
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RE: Adult abuse - 9/16/2007 9:52:05 AM   
Twice


Posts: 179
Joined: 9/15/2005
From: Gainesville, Florida
Status: offline 		Communication hasn't been a problem, really- He's been a close friend for 3 years now and I was already telling him pretty much everything.  He knows how I feel and I tell Him when something triggers me.  Really, I just want to know so I can deal with it myself better.  I may be willing to push my limits (re: abuse) someday, but now it's just too recent and I'm still trying to get my fears under control.

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-K

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RE: Adult abuse - 9/16/2007 9:56:49 AM   
bandit25


Posts: 3029
Joined: 6/18/2005
Status: offline 		Twice, I'm not a survivor of anything so this may be way off base, ok?  But if he's good with it, what difference does it make whether it's popular or not?  To my way of thinking, he'd rather have you than all these activities with someone else.  Relax and take care of yourself and your well being.  I once had a dom tell me that for him, the power is the thing...how it manifests itself re activities...not so much.

(in reply to Twice)
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RE: Adult abuse - 9/16/2007 10:00:18 AM   
Twice


Posts: 179
Joined: 9/15/2005
From: Gainesville, Florida
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: bandit25

To my way of thinking, he'd rather have you than all these activities with someone else.


I have no doubt in my mind that this, at least, is true.  I just kinda want to not have to be attacked by my past when I'm trying to enjoy the present, you know?  Like I said, it's mostly internal to me.


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RE: Adult abuse - 9/16/2007 2:51:37 PM   
Sweetsubbie1


Posts: 12
Joined: 8/5/2006
Status: offline 		Have you tried counseling to help deal with the memories?  I know it can be expensive but definitly something to look into.

(in reply to Twice)
Profile   Post #: 6
RE: Adult abuse - 9/16/2007 2:59:54 PM   
MissSCD


Posts: 1185
Joined: 3/10/2007
Status: offline 		I survived an abusive marriage where it was both physical and mental.  I could write a book on it, but it would be pointless.
There are some parts of this lifestyle I cannot participate in.  For example, I  cannot handle a woman being physically or mentally abused in public unless I know that it is play.  I can be involved in the scene.  I cannot watch a male dominate a female nor humliate them verbally in a forum or chatroom.  What a strange place for me to be then right? Well, the control factor and activities will not go away.  I guess I can try to educate women on how to value themselves as a person, and that is what I suggest you start doing because it could be that you may need to switch your role in the life.  I started as a sub, and it simply did not work for me.  Being a Domme is better, but I do not verbally abuse a woman or man sub.
Hope it gets better for you.  Time is the key.

Regards, MissSCD

(in reply to Sweetsubbie1)
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RE: Adult abuse - 9/16/2007 3:07:00 PM   
came4U


Posts: 3572
Joined: 1/23/2007
From: London, Ontario
Status: offline 		Any sort of abuse that anyone has had should be dealt with by a professional psychologist.  I suggest not doing any play that is remotely close to your trauma-causing events.  If so, then expect the pain to worsen and the drama to increase.  Beware of who you leave in charge of your sanity.  I am not a believer of anyone with emotional issues delving into bdsm.   

(in reply to MissSCD)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: Adult abuse - 9/16/2007 4:33:10 PM   
Twice


Posts: 179
Joined: 9/15/2005
From: Gainesville, Florida
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: came4U

I am not a believer of anyone with emotional issues delving into bdsm.   


Quite the contrary, I have several anxiety-related disorders and I find a good scene helps me keep them under control.

I believe I have to be more careful, especially when it comes to chosing partners, but I highly disagree that any particular type of person should have to stay out of something that makes them feel better.


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RE: Adult abuse - 9/16/2007 9:59:35 PM   
michaels4evr


Posts: 184
Joined: 8/8/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: came4U

I am not a believer of anyone with emotional issues delving into bdsm.   


We best all hang up our crops then. Seriously, most folks I know in the lifestyle have a host of emotional issues. The key is to choose wisely with whom we involve ourselves. I require any submissive who trains with me to attend counseling of some sort if his or her emotional issues are fresh, undealt with, or found to negatively impact his or her current functioning. I have been similiarly ordered to counseling by my former Trainer. It did a world of good, but we still enjoyed an active sensation play life. For some BDSM is not a hobby, it is a lifestyle and even a sexual orientation. I wouldn't advise anyone to abandon their sexuality or lifestyle simply because there are issues to work through, rather find a way to enjoy their lives in spite of them.

(in reply to came4U)
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RE: Adult abuse - 9/16/2007 10:06:57 PM   
celticlord2112


Posts: 5732
Status: offline
quote:

I am not a believer of anyone with emotional issues delving into bdsm.


Enjoy your vanilla lifestyle.


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RE: Adult abuse - 9/17/2007 1:48:06 AM   
mons


Posts: 2400
Joined: 11/16/2005
Status: offline 		greeting to all

i have abuse from my brother my father and a host of black males. i was abuse and rape many time but the man my mother and father thought i should go out with instead of the white male i love. i did by the wishes and live to regret it do much . i am not mad at them he fool all of them. i am a domme i have not trust in men who are doms or master even though i have the need to speak with them. but the trust level is gone. as someone said it is best to be a domme but i know i would never abuse anyone under me if they want to be abuse i leave them alone i am a black woman and i hacve no trust in black men at all sad i know

mons ( oh i hope my writing is better i had a conidition call walled eyes it was do to a hit on the back of my head. i am not wearing speical glasses and oh god how i can see now i hope my writing is better thanks for putting up with my writing )
take care all of you and thanks for all of the help i was given

(in reply to celticlord2112)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: Adult abuse - 9/17/2007 8:29:34 AM   
kikinymph


Posts: 40
Joined: 8/19/2007
Status: offline 		Sometimes you just have to do a bit of work on yourself, don'tcha?  

One thing to try is to change the tape in your head--the negative self talk, the things that you hear in your head that someone may have told you.  Counter that as often as you catch yourself hearing it, or repeating it, with something about yourself that you know is GOOD and Positive.

Try also to get out of the "victim" mindset.  Think of yourself as a survivor.  Survivor sounds strong and proactive. 

Why not think about your limits in a different way?  Hard limits tend to be etched in stone, and only an act of nature (erosion of millions of years) will affect them.  These things that you wish you could do right now, are things that you might be able to do later... so it's not a NEVER, it's a let me heal, not right now. 

You could find a middle ground...if you want to try it... something that you find mildly embarrassing but not humiliating.  Desensitize yourself to that embarrassing word, or action...start off slow.  Choose a word or name that causes some discomfort, and have him say it every so often...increase that slowly, till you get used to it.  You might never get completely over the embarrassment, but it might not bring up the other negative feelings after awhile.  I have been able to hear myself referred to in terms that used to bring me to tears..even if it is only in one situation.

Submission forced isn't submission--cuz you aren't submitting freely.  And if this Dom/Friend wants YOUR submission, he's gonna want it on a Free Flow--not where he has to pry it out of your death grip.


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"That which yields is not always weak." Kushiel series by Jacqueline Carey

(in reply to mons)
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RE: Adult abuse - 9/17/2007 8:38:26 AM   
mmb1


Posts: 304
Joined: 8/3/2007
Status: offline 		a very good topic and I agree, nobody should stay out of BDSM lifestyle due to any reason, whether a childhood with abuse or as an adult, I do believe that it can help many just the fact that you are living for once the way you choose to, and to follow that path :)

(in reply to kikinymph)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: Adult abuse - 9/17/2007 9:45:23 AM   
Celeste43


Posts: 3066
Joined: 2/4/2006
From: NYS
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: michaels4evr

quote:

ORIGINAL: came4U

I am not a believer of anyone with emotional issues delving into bdsm.   


We best all hang up our crops then. Seriously, most folks I know in the lifestyle have a host of emotional issues. The key is to choose wisely with whom we involve ourselves. I require any submissive who trains with me to attend counseling of some sort if his or her emotional issues are fresh, undealt with, or found to negatively impact his or her current functioning. I have been similiarly ordered to counseling by my former Trainer. It did a world of good, but we still enjoyed an active sensation play life. For some BDSM is not a hobby, it is a lifestyle and even a sexual orientation. I wouldn't advise anyone to abandon their sexuality or lifestyle simply because there are issues to work through, rather find a way to enjoy their lives in spite of them.



I would amend this. Most people I know have various issues do to their family of origin and/or adult experiences. Following the advice that they shouldn't ever  seek a compatible partner would mean damn near everybody be alone their entire life.

Seek a compatible partner, one who places more emphasis on the relationship than on the activity. I have an irrational fear of duct tape used on the skin. I'm positive that removal of a duct tape gag would be actually removal of the skin under the gag.

You would become highly cynical if you knew how many men who had learned of this hard limit announced that the first thing they would do would be break this hard limit. The Man just laughs at me but he still doesn't threaten me with it. He made a joke about it this past spring, probably to see my reaction. It was just as strong a fear as ever so he dropped it. He may bring it up again in another four years or he may not. The activity is not as important as having my love and trust.

(in reply to michaels4evr)
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RE: Adult abuse - 9/17/2007 9:48:08 AM   
mmb1


Posts: 304
Joined: 8/3/2007
Status: offline 		nicely stated :)

(in reply to Celeste43)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: Adult abuse - 9/17/2007 9:59:05 AM   
twistedkytten


Posts: 240
Joined: 9/8/2006
Status: offline 		I too am a survivor ... and honestly, my biggest "scar" that still remains is a simple one compared to all that I have heard... one which I am still struggling with here and there... is that it is absolutely okay for me to feel pleasure, as for the rest, I grew up in the fostercare system, which made things like counseling readily available.

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Obedience is life, girl lives to serve her Master

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Profile   Post #: 17
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