|
ChicagoSwitchMal -> An introduction or a question – What I am./What am I? (9/16/2007 6:15:29 PM)
|
I have been very sexual long before I knew what sex was. I have memories of masturbating, even though I didn’t know what masturbating was, as early as six years old. I would lie on the floor and grind my hips into it until I achieved orgasm. Of course there was no ejaculate but the sensation was the same. Later I learned what masturbating was but still had no idea that was what I was doing. Masturbating was something you did with your hand. It was something pathetic people did because they couldn’t get girls to do it for them. Imagine my surprise the first time I was doing my thing (around 12) and looked down and saw that I had cum. I’ll be damned; I had been masturbating the whole time.
But it wasn’t just that. Before I knew what exhibitionism was I enjoyed sneaking off to the woods by myself. I had to be around 8 or so. I had this game I would play were I would take off my clothes and see how far away I could walk away from them before I got so scared I’d run back to put them back on. The adrenaline rush of doing this pushed me farther and farther into the woods. Later as a teen and living in the city I would do the same thing. I would sneak out of the house at night into the alley. Take off my cloths and see how far I could get away from them. Hiding behind one obstacle or the next, getting farther and farther away. I never got caught and luckily for me as I aged and feared the legal consequences and embarrassment of getting caught I broke myself of the habit.
I am quite happy being a man. I enjoy my male presence in society and wouldn’t want to change it. I keep myself muscular and want my manly exterior. Curiously though I enjoy shaving the hair on my body accept for the top of my head and forearms. Feeling smooth makes me feel feminine but only in balance with my manliness. I don’t want to be a girl. I don’t want to act like a queen. I don’t want to be anything other than what I am. A man who likes a bit of femininity expressed. Shaving, panties, stockings – all a turn on. Each make me feel closer to my true self but nothing more ‘female emulating’ than that. I’ve even injected sterile water into my nipple for that ‘little titty’ feeling but again, this is nothing I would want to live with permanently.
I’m not gay. If I were I’d freely admit it. I’m open minded like that. I can’t imagine emotionally bonding with a man. The idea of kissing a man is disgusting to me and the idea of longing for a man to come hold me is just well, funny. These are the types of things that I consider being gay. Bonding with someone of your own sex, loving someone of your own sex – makes you gay. Not sex with them. However the idea of sucking a cock or taking it up the rear turns me on because it’s so ‘unmanly’ to let that happen. The idea of having women witness this humiliation of mine makes it even more of a turn on.
What you’ve read so far is the sex life I’ve had with myself. Things I’ve done on my own with a hint of fantasy not yet lived out. This is my submissive side and is based on my humiliation. The sex life I have had with women is quite different. This is the proverbial ‘switch’.
It basically goes like this. If I want to beat off – humiliate and abuse me. If I want to f*ck though – well - humiliate and abuse her.
This was very difficult to express as a teenager and early 20’s. People as they age tend to become more open minded though and I have been quite happily expressing this side of me with consenting adult women even though I have met them in vanilla settings. I have this theory that vanilla women over 30 all secretly desire kinky sex but it just has to come up the right way to make it ‘okay’ to do. I think I’m a master of working this into conversation lol. I really won’t get into detail about this side of myself because it’s all fairly mainstream for the readers here. Verbal abuse, urine play, choking, cock worship, spanking etc. I only provided details of my sub side because this is the part I am confused over. Have others, male or female, felt similarly as a child? I’ve heard my behavior as a child indicate sexual abuse but I honestly have no recollection of it. I’m pretty honest with myself so I wouldn’t deny it either.
Anyway I am here to explore both sides of myself and understand the sub side a little more. I honestly think if I had to pick one side or the other for the rest of my life it would be the dominant side. I like to consider myself a giver and although I do receive pleasure from dominating I think it’s more “giving” whereas my sub side, at least for me, seems selfish to indulge in.
Anyway – Hi. This is my introduction and for those of you who suffered through it, I’m sorry lol. I would appreciate anyone’s thoughts, critical or supportive. I’m here to learn about the lifestyle and myself and all thoughts are appreicated.
|
|
|
|
