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communication issues - 7/18/2005 1:08:54 AM

elleMET

Posts: 4
Joined: 7/6/2005
Status: offline

Masters and A/all
right now this girl is pretty upset, she stresses that open, honest communication is a must have for her ..

so why cant Masters communicate effectlively?

why do they have to say stuff like you will tell me everything, but i will decide if I will be open with you and some things I will clas as my business not yours..

meaning he is hiding something from me so why should i be open and honest with him..

and more to point if he is not open with me how can i trust him

and then trust is important for me i cannot submit if i feel unsafe..

then the big one how do you dump a Master because he lacks the ability to hear what you say and fains deafness

just a few questions please from elle

Post #: 1

RE: communication issues - 7/18/2005 1:33:09 AM

FangsNfeet

Posts: 3758
Joined: 12/3/2004
Status: offline

quote:

so why cant Masters communicate effectlively?

As the Wise Merc would say,

Take out the word master and replace it with "Typical Male." Need I say more?

A good man is hard to find. Especially since our main priorities are Sex, Food, and a hobby. So stay true to yourself and your standards and the right guy for you will come along to stuff and butter your muffin.

As for dumping a guy who plays deaf, just leave or stop showing up. That'll get his attention. If he's not missing you, Then you know %100 that you did the right thing with no regrets.

_____________________________

I'm Godzilla and you're Japan

(in reply to elleMET)

Post #: 2

RE: communication issues - 7/18/2005 2:02:38 AM

wetsub000

Posts: 91
Joined: 3/6/2005
Status: offline

I think FangsNFeet is right, communication seems to be more difficult for men than women, but that doesn't mean you shouldn't hold out for what you want/need.

As for leaving a Master you say 'Please Master will you release me because ... '. Hopefully he will say yes, it makes things amicable ... otherwise ... well you just leave anyway.

(in reply to FangsNfeet)

Post #: 3

RE: communication issues - 7/18/2005 5:35:29 AM

DesertRat

Posts: 2774
Joined: 11/29/2004
From: NM/USA
Status: offline

I believe open communication is essential, but the kind of one-sided openness you describe is not unusual in Master/slave relationships. For me, it would be an issue to discuss and agree on beforehand. If something arises as an unanticipated issue, then it's time for a reassessment.

Bob

(in reply to elleMET)

Post #: 4

RE: communication issues - 7/18/2005 5:39:05 AM

EmeraldSlave2

Posts: 3645
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: elleMET
so why cant Masters communicate effectlively?

The same reasons slaves and subs and everyone else tends not to- we're not taught how to do it well, and we're usually too scared and insecure to take the risks.

quote:

why do they have to say stuff like you will tell me everything, but i will decide if I will be open with you and some things I will clas as my business not yours..

Well IF they are your dom, it's because that's their privilege and you should know this is something you can expect before you get into a relationship with them.

quote:

then the big one how do you dump a Master because he lacks the ability to hear what you say and fains deafness

just a few questions please from elle

Ask for release or just leave. And next time get to know the dom better so you don't accept a situation you find out isn't right for you.

(in reply to elleMET)

Post #: 5

RE: communication issues - 7/18/2005 5:44:11 AM

BlouLady

Posts: 170
Joined: 2/8/2005
Status: offline

I have to agree, trust is a very important issue. So is communication. Sit down and explain that his actions make you uncomfortable,and if ya'll aren't able to rectify them then move on to somewhere where you do feel comfortable.Don't settle. Remember you CHOSE this lifestyle, and YOU get chose who you share it with.

(in reply to elleMET)

Post #: 6

RE: communication issues - 7/18/2005 9:08:56 AM

Gemeni

Posts: 255
Joined: 2/19/2005
Status: offline

Honest communication comes when you stop fearing the loss of a person.

You need to make it clear that he has a choice-open up, or suffer YOUR loss.

Then you will have your answer,one way or the other.

(in reply to BlouLady)

Post #: 7

RE: communication issues - 7/18/2005 9:43:28 AM

Kinkypupper

Posts: 713
Joined: 9/26/2004
From: Portland oregon
Status: offline

Some do communicate very well.
Some are more considerate and understanding of the "gift" they are given and treat it with the respect that it deserves.

Some do not :-(

Be patient you will find that right person.. We all will

_____________________________

Phil Moulton
A Sensual Touch
Locopony Racing
Portland Oregon

(in reply to elleMET)

Post #: 8

RE: communication issues - 7/18/2005 8:28:35 PM

sub4hire

Posts: 6775
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline

Most people communicate well. While very few actually do.
Once a person goes into counseling they find out their perfect
communication was no communication at all.

It has nothing to do with the lifestyle other than we think communication should
be paramount here. The bottom line is either you communicate well or you have no long standing relationship.

It's hard work...and both parties have to want to do it. If one doesn't they both fail.

I wish you luck..

(in reply to elleMET)

Post #: 9

RE: communication issues - 7/19/2005 8:44:44 AM

happypervert

Posts: 2203
Joined: 5/11/2004
From: Scranton, PA
Status: offline

quote:

so why cant Masters communicate effectlively?

Sorry, but when I see a blanket indictment on the communication skills of everyone else, it makes me wonder just what sort of problem the person posting it has. Maybe you're one of those screwy broads who has a habit of selecting guys with character flaws so that you can be miserable and whine and wallow in self pity. I dunno what else to say, but if all masters you encounter can't communicate then the problem lies within you.

And if his feigned deafness makes dumping him difficult, then try hanging up the phone when he calls, slamming a door in his face when he visits, or kicking him in the balls. The message will get through eventually. Is that so difficult you can't figure it out for yourself?

Perhaps I should cut you some slack because you say you're upset, but on some occasions when I see these "poor me" kind of posts it seems more productive to give someone a good swift kick in the ass instead of being manipulated into participating in the group hug you're obviously looking for.

< Message edited by happypervert -- 7/19/2005 8:46:28 AM >

_____________________________

"Get a bicycle. You will not regret it if you live." . . . Mark Twain

(in reply to elleMET)

Post #: 10

RE: communication issues - 7/19/2005 10:47:13 AM

plantlady64

Posts: 755
Joined: 5/19/2005
Status: offline

quote:

Honest communication comes when you stop fearing the loss of a person.

You need to make it clear that he has a choice-open up, or suffer YOUR loss.

Then you will have your answer,one way or the other.

Hello Gemeni,
True words indeed. I think most people who don't open up in communication stay closed out of fear of ridicule or rejection. Your advice here is right on the money in my opinion.
Sincerely,
sub suzanne

(in reply to Gemeni)

Post #: 11

RE: communication issues - 7/19/2005 10:49:59 AM

Gauge

Posts: 5689
Joined: 6/17/2005
Status: offline

quote:

so why cant Masters communicate effectlively?

That is an all inclusive brush stroke saying all masters cannot communicate effectively. Some can, some can't. Some subs can't communicate either, some can. It is a human trait not just limited to one class of people.

quote:

why do they have to say stuff like you will tell me everything, but i will decide if I will be open with you and some things I will clas as my business not yours..

meaning he is hiding something from me so why should i be open and honest with him..

Why, if he is classifying something as his business, must it mean that he is hiding something? Perhaps he is dealing with something that he thinks is not worth your concern. Maybe he is protecting you... ever think of that?

quote:

and more to point if he is not open with me how can i trust him

and then trust is important for me i cannot submit if i feel unsafe..

If there is no trust your relationship is over. If you feel unsafe then end it and move on but realize that you may be making an error based on your own perception of things and not what the reality might be. How will you know if you don't ask him what is going on?

quote:

then the big one how do you dump a Master because he lacks the ability to hear what you say and fains deafness

I find it difficult to believe that this person did not exhibit these traits before you decided to submit to him. If there is no communication then you are dead in the water, time to pull up stakes and move on. As far as dumping a master or anyone for that matter, try to be as nice as possible.

_____________________________

"For there is no folly of the beast of the earth which is not infinitely outdone by the madness of men." Herman Melville - Moby Dick

I'm wearing my chicken suit and humming La Marseillaise.

(in reply to elleMET)

Post #: 12

RE: communication issues - 7/19/2005 11:37:45 AM

Mercnbeth

Posts: 11766
Status: offline

quote:

why do they have to say stuff like you will tell me everything, but i will decide if I will be open with you and some things I will clas as my business not yours..

meaning he is hiding something from me so why should i be open and honest with him..

and more to point if he is not open with me how can i trust him

and then trust is important for me i cannot submit if i feel unsafe..

then the big one how do you dump a Master because he lacks the ability to hear what you say and fains deafness

How long did you know him before you identified him as your "master". Did he initiate the idea or did you? Did you indicate to him that the expectation of reciprocal full disclosure was expected by you? Are, or were, your relationship expectations and his the same? Do you know what they are?

It's not just communication it's HONEST communication. Not the kind of communication you have in order to achieve some sort of physical sensation, vanilla or flavored in lifestyle activities.

You and he met somehow/somewhere. Let's make up a scenario. You both had ads on CM. What if, before that first physical activity, he said; "okay, lets get together, I'm the 'master' you're the 'slave'. You will disclose everything about you, but you don't get to know anything personal about me including my last name, my business, my home phone number, my address. Now strip and kneel!". The session and experience was FANTASTIC. It's the next day. What are your expectations?

The point is you got to where you are by the path you took. In some respects the preparation BEFORE even going down the path. Your 'master' did what it took to achieve his goal, you helped him get there. It's common to hear subs scream and shout; "I am NOT a doormat!". Most initiated the process by laying down in front of the door.

(in reply to elleMET)

Post #: 13

RE: communication issues - 7/19/2005 11:51:57 AM

Faramir

Posts: 1043
Joined: 2/12/2005
Status: offline

Dogpile.

(in reply to Mercnbeth)

Post #: 14

RE: communication issues - 7/19/2005 12:07:38 PM

Mercnbeth

Posts: 11766
Status: offline

quote:

Dogpile.

As they say in the Guinness commercial - BRILLIANT!!

Now who can argue with such argument and logic touching on all the points, and using the plethora of experience obvious in the succinct dissertation? BRAVO!

Was the pile steaming or baked hard by the sun?

(in reply to Faramir)

Post #: 15

RE: communication issues - 7/19/2005 12:52:47 PM

Faramir

Posts: 1043
Joined: 2/12/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Mercnbeth

As they say in the Guinness commercial - BRILLIANT!!

Now who can argue with such argument and logic touching on all the points, and using the plethora of experience obvious in the succinct dissertation? BRAVO!

Was the pile steaming or baked hard by the sun?

Actually that was observation, not an argument, so there can be no standard of logic applied.

(in reply to Mercnbeth)

Post #: 16

RE: communication issues - 7/19/2005 1:49:46 PM

MstrHellsFury

Posts: 388
Joined: 1/5/2005
Status: offline

It's not often I even come close to agreeing with someone as I like to feel I blaze my own trail, but on this occassion IMHO, happypervert hits it on the head. We've all made choices here, wake up to the issues facing you and either make change or get out. Now is it time for the group hug thing?

(in reply to happypervert)

Post #: 17

RE: communication issues - 7/19/2005 3:18:49 PM

pinkpleasures

Posts: 1114
Status: offline

quote:

Maybe you're one of those screwy broads who has a habit of selecting guys with character flaws so that you can be miserable and whine and wallow in self pity. I dunno what else to say, but if all masters you encounter can't communicate then the problem lies within you.

Methinks "happypervert" was not happy when he wrote this. elleMET, i do not know what your situation really is, or your experience level, but it sounds as if "inside" you are experiencing distrust and anxiety. i would urge you to act on your "inside" by confronting the Dom..in a gentlelady manner...and explaining your unmet wants/needs. If He does not respond by meeting them at least to a meaningful degree..He is not your One. There is no lonelier place than beside a Man who does not love you and whom you do not love. As for departing; remove your collar without words and hand it back to Him; He will understand the meaning of your gesture.

pinkpleasures

< Message edited by pinkpleasures -- 8/2/2005 6:42:16 PM >

_____________________________

(in reply to MstrHellsFury)

Post #: 18

RE: communication issues - 7/20/2005 4:26:36 AM

elleMET

Posts: 4
Joined: 7/6/2005
Status: offline

pink pleasure

thankyou very much i am a fairly new to the lifestyle and as such find it hard because i only know so much ,
i ended up having to change my number and move on there was no compromise available

thankyou elle

(in reply to pinkpleasures)

Post #: 19

RE: communication issues - 7/20/2005 9:19:37 AM

IronBear

Posts: 9008
Joined: 6/19/2005
From: Beenleigh, Qld, Australia
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: elleMET

Masters and A/all
right now this girl is pretty upset, she stresses that open, honest communication is a must have for her ..

so why cant Masters communicate effectlively?

why do they have to say stuff like you will tell me everything, but i will decide if I will be open with you and some things I will clas as my business not yours..

meaning he is hiding something from me so why should i be open and honest with him..

and more to point if he is not open with me how can i trust him

and then trust is important for me i cannot submit if i feel unsafe..

then the big one how do you dump a Master because he lacks the ability to hear what you say and fains deafness

just a few questions please from elle

I’ve been guilty of this lack of communication in the past on more than one occasion. It took a loss of someone to make me realise what was part of the problem we had. One hell of a blow to my ego at the time, seeing as I teach communication techniques in counselling sessions. One thing I have learned from others in the Gorean lifestyle is that communications are vital especially in this lifestyle. I know that I want any trik in my collar to be able to communicate with me, however there is a time and place. If I’m no busy, then that is not the time or place to want to talk about non-essentials. If I’m angry, I don’t want to talk until I’ve sorted myself out. Then I will want to talk. I guess it really boils down to the people involved in a D/s relationship to set out the ground rules from the out set. I will always advocate the setting aside times where the sub/slave can speak freely (but respectfully).

_____________________________

Iron Bear

Master of Bruin Cottage

http://www.bruincottage.org

Your attitude, words & actions are yours. Take responsibility for them and the consequences they incur.

D.I.L.L.I.G.A.F.

(in reply to elleMET)

Post #: 20

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