A ? about Trust and Respect

A ? about Trust and Respect (Full Version)

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lonlyrossInNeed -> A ? about Trust and Respect (9/18/2007 6:44:43 PM)
OK this is meant for both BDSM related and vanilla related but Let me ask all of us this one ? If one says they don't think its a good idea for one thing because you have a medical problem and this is more of a trust ? do you think they really Respect you as a friend Like if there is a Munch and or a meeting for planning a party and you are told by the one holding it that they don't want you at there house because they think you having a mental problem could lead to not good things in the future but they still say in a way they want to be friends What would you do I think no way and get as faw away as the other as possible befor something is said that shouldn't be said or that you dont want to say . Well I'm asking maybe a better way if someone said they are your friend but then they dont trust you anought or respect you anought to do or say or give something then are they truly your friend This is my ? to everyone And please mod dont remove this and put this in another section this is BDSM related also if you must no what it is then please email me and ill edit it to be more appropriate for the section thank you .

LuckyAlbatross -> RE: A ? about Trust and Respect (9/18/2007 6:49:49 PM)
I would say thank you for them being honest enough to tell me but I wasn't sure how much I could really be friends in the future. They don't trust you to behave in a mature responsible way as an adult at a social function. That doesn't mean they don't like you in some ways. They could also be saying "let's still be friends" in that nice social grease sort of way to TRY and show they really don't want to be rude but understand how awkward this is for everyone. If you think they are off their gourd, then move on and be happy. If you think they might have something, examine why they do not trust you to behave appropriately.

Stephann -> RE: A ? about Trust and Respect (9/18/2007 6:59:55 PM)
I think recent social developments towards tolerance and equality have given birth to an odd social phenomenon. No small number of people seem to believe that friendship is a social right. In fact, it's not even a privilege; it's an exchange. If I feel someone cannot exchange with me fairly, towards a mutual benefit, I feel no obligation to maintain the exchange. Though I may easily owe a social debt, I don't 'owe' anyone friendship. Stephan

lonlyrossInNeed -> RE: A ? about Trust and Respect (9/18/2007 7:00:46 PM)
Thank you so much for your thoughts on this LA I will see this person an a few others that i feel have gone bad at other Functions They know that i am good with other things but this one person said this to me and if they know that i am OK with public functions and they say they respect me but then tell me they dont trust me anought i dont get that . So i am going to leave it be . Ross.g sad face right now :(

DivaDuchess -> RE: A ? about Trust and Respect (9/18/2007 7:55:47 PM)
Friendship is an earned thing. This is earned through respect and trust. If there is neither, there is no friendship. The same applies towards ALL relationships. If you feel perhaps that these 'possible' friends have misinterpreted something you said or did, pull them aside and ask. However, don't expect them to just give it with the friendship if you have indeed done something to cause mistrust in your actions, both future and present.

lonlyrossInNeed -> RE: A ? about Trust and Respect (9/18/2007 8:06:31 PM)
she said only reason she doesnt want me or trust me with this one thing is because im bipolar quote: ORIGINAL: DivaDuchess Friendship is an earned thing. This is earned through respect and trust. If there is neither, there is no friendship. The same applies towards ALL relationships. If you feel perhaps that these 'possible' friends have misinterpreted something you said or did, pull them aside and ask. However, don't expect them to just give it with the friendship if you have indeed done something to cause mistrust in your actions, both future and present.

camille65 -> RE: A ? about Trust and Respect (9/18/2007 8:52:46 PM)
Ross maybe she doesn't know very much about bipolar and has something totally different in mind as to how being bipolar effects you? You could print out some information and give it to her if you think it's a case of not knowing enough. I'm sorry because I know it hurts inside to be treated badly for something you know isn't so bad.

lonlyrossInNeed -> RE: A ? about Trust and Respect (9/18/2007 9:11:00 PM)
jokingly right now wonder if i could sew her for that LOL she is a law studen maybe she needs the practice LOL just kidding she knows about it trust me on that i know she does . Ross.g Rosie the puppy

MaamJay -> RE: A ? about Trust and Respect (9/18/2007 11:26:05 PM)
I'm struggling to understand this thread as the OP wasn't overly coherent. But I want to ask whether the OP can recall acting inappropriately at any function ... has done anything that might have got this person thinking this way? It might only have been a small thing but she could be afraid that it would escalate into something uncontrollable and in a public place, that could reflect negatively on the whole group. I'll cite an example: In a previous group which met regularly for munches as well as play parties, one sub had a very loud and strident personality, which was mostly tolerated. However at a munch at a pub that serves great "all you can eat meals" at very good prices, an attempt was made by this sub (who had arrived a bit late but there was still plenty of food available) to eat without paying full price. None of the rest of the group were particularly happy about it but also not wanting to challenge it and cause a scene. When management spotted it and tried to deal with it, there was a scene which wasn't at all edifying. Those who booked the function apologised to management later and they were OK ... but none of us felt comfortable about returning to that pub for nearly a year! That person is no longer welcome, venues of parties changed later anyway ... and no one is likely to tell that person where they've moved to! I think it could and should have been dealt with more openly ... but I was one of the ones who bailed out from doing so at the time as other group leaders weren't there! Now I stress that this was behaviour oriented ... any underlying medical/mental problems weren't the issue ... but the outward manifestation in a public scenario was. It was too risky to the rest of the group. I think the OP needs to think long and hard about his prior behaviour and see what triggered this response. It may not be his bipolarism as such ... but perhaps how he has allowed this to be manifested. I am certainly not anti people who are bipolar ... at one time I had 9 such people as close friends and jokingly referred to Myself as a "bipolar magnet" (lovely pun for a science teacher). However, they were careful to keep their behaviour in public within reasonable bounds and kept to themselves or with a few close and trusted friends when they were unable to control themselves. Hope this has helped shed some light. Maam Jay aka violet[A]

xoxi -> RE: A ? about Trust and Respect (9/19/2007 1:16:50 AM)
MaamJay, That's the exact same thing I was thinking. Saying "I don't know if it's a good idea because you're bipolar" is probably the nicest way of saying "Fuck no, you've already alienated half the guest list." Ross, I'm not saying that is the case, but either 1. you don't know this person really well and they heard about you being 'bipolar' through the grapevine, in which case there's not much of a friendship and they were simply trying to maintain a polite acquaintenceship, or 2. you do know this person fairly well and they have either seen manifestations of your 'bipolarity' in action or heard about it through anecdotes or stories you have told. Even if I never see another person act out, if they have told me about a bunch of scenes they caused in public where they were so adamant about being in the right they didn't stop to think how it would sound to me, I would be hesitant to invite them to anything important to me. That being said, I like what Stephann said. Friendship is not something you owe someone. If you don't feel a person is a friend to you, you certainly don't have to be one to them. You can still be polite and say hello when you see them, ask how they've been, but you don't have to be their friend. Good luck with this. It's always hard to feel like your friends don't care...sometimes THEY are the ones who don't realize they're being insensitive. It might not hurt to ask in detail why...not in an accusing way, or attempting to change their mind, but just to listen and find out why.

Celeste43 -> RE: A ? about Trust and Respect (9/19/2007 4:05:36 AM)
If you're being disinvited from places and losing friends, then what you need to do now if focus on getting your illness under control. Because if you had it under control, then this wouldn't be happening. My adult child is bipolar and she's had times when she has lost friends permanently because of uncontrollable episodes. Quite honestly, everyone has a point where they will say enough, they simply don't get enough good from the relationship to balance out the bad. I know of parents who finally have had to say enough to an adult bipolar child and get a restraining order against them. Go back to your doctor, discuss medication dosages, see your therapist. This isn't a time to be focusing on wiitwd, it's a time to be focusing on you.

desertdancer -> RE: A ? about Trust and Respect (9/19/2007 4:21:45 AM)
I'm sorry this is happening to you, however I am with LA. I would be grateful that someone thought enough of me to tell me to my face why I was not on the guest list. I think it says a lot about the other person that they didn't leave you wondering. Sometimes wondering why is much more hurtful then knowing why your not invited. I think it actually says that she/he think highly enough of you to be honest with you, that's what a friend does. My mom always said "If I don't tell you that your wearing to much perfume and that you look like a tramp, who do you think will? Not your freinds unless they are GOOD friends" I think there is merit in that. I could see a guy on the street with food in his teeth, if I don't know him or even like him, why would I tell him? If he's my friend with the broccoli mouth, I'm gonna tell him, to save him embarrassment, I think that's what's happening here. You've had really great advise already. If I were you, I'd look at the issues brought up to me then if it was important enough I'd work on correcting what I could. ~Dancer

toservez -> RE: A ? about Trust and Respect (9/19/2007 7:07:37 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: DivaDuchess Friendship is an earned thing. This is earned through respect and trust. If there is neither, there is no friendship. The same applies towards ALL relationships. If you feel perhaps that these 'possible' friends have misinterpreted something you said or did, pull them aside and ask. However, don't expect them to just give it with the friendship if you have indeed done something to cause mistrust in your actions, both future and present. I agree with this a lot. Friendship is a two way street and if they cannot accept and respect you then I agree with the OP why bother with them. There are a lot of one way relationships disguise as friendships out there in terms of I get this from them without having to put any effort into it on my end. At the same time if a person says something you do not want to hear that does not put them in a bad light it would give me food for thought when coming from a friend. I strongly do not believe friendship is always about unconditional support of the friend’s views and actions. Sometimes a friend is there to go you screwed up. As far as the specific reaction to them knowing that the OP is bipolar. If you are on top of it and manage it well that has never been an issue with this life and they are just acting out of a negative stigmatism and plain ignorance then by all means screw them life is too short. If they are coming from a place of seeing specific things they found troubling then that is for you to ask about and/or decide if they have merit and go from there.

lonlyrossInNeed -> RE: A ? about Trust and Respect (9/19/2007 12:18:48 PM)
When you say OP do you mean me the one who this is about kinda well no i never did anything in a public or private function to cause mistrusts or anyting like that She just wants to be friends but does not trust me with somthing because i am bipolar well that is no friend then quote: ORIGINAL: MaamJay I'm struggling to understand this thread as the OP wasn't overly coherent. But I want to ask whether the OP can recall acting inappropriately at any function ... has done anything that might have got this person thinking this way? It might only have been a small thing but she could be afraid that it would escalate into something uncontrollable and in a public place, that could reflect negatively on the whole group. I'll cite an example: In a previous group which met regularly for munches as well as play parties, one sub had a very loud and strident personality, which was mostly tolerated. However at a munch at a pub that serves great "all you can eat meals" at very good prices, an attempt was made by this sub (who had arrived a bit late but there was still plenty of food available) to eat without paying full price. None of the rest of the group were particularly happy about it but also not wanting to challenge it and cause a scene. When management spotted it and tried to deal with it, there was a scene which wasn't at all edifying. Those who booked the function apologised to management later and they were OK ... but none of us felt comfortable about returning to that pub for nearly a year! That person is no longer welcome, venues of parties changed later anyway ... and no one is likely to tell that person where they've moved to! I think it could and should have been dealt with more openly ... but I was one of the ones who bailed out from doing so at the time as other group leaders weren't there! Now I stress that this was behaviour oriented ... any underlying medical/mental problems weren't the issue ... but the outward manifestation in a public scenario was. It was too risky to the rest of the group. I think the OP needs to think long and hard about his prior behaviour and see what triggered this response. It may not be his bipolarism as such ... but perhaps how he has allowed this to be manifested. I am certainly not anti people who are bipolar ... at one time I had 9 such people as close friends and jokingly referred to Myself as a "bipolar magnet" (lovely pun for a science teacher). However, they were careful to keep their behaviour in public within reasonable bounds and kept to themselves or with a few close and trusted friends when they were unable to control themselves. Hope this has helped shed some light. Maam Jay aka violet[A]

lonlyrossInNeed -> RE: A ? about Trust and Respect (9/19/2007 12:22:42 PM)
I just found out from a friend of another group in the Ohio area that this girl only wants to do with the young and attractive crowd so i just heard some bad things about this girl she is snobby everyone is telling me she isn't right and some are pist at her now since they found out what she did with not wanting me to be part of a meeting that i was already part of and some other stuff that went on so Now i know how she really Is quote: ORIGINAL: xoxi MaamJay, That's the exact same thing I was thinking. Saying "I don't know if it's a good idea because you're bipolar" is probably the nicest way of saying "Fuck no, you've already alienated half the guest list." Ross, I'm not saying that is the case, but either 1. you don't know this person really well and they heard about you being 'bipolar' through the grapevine, in which case there's not much of a friendship and they were simply trying to maintain a polite acquaintenceship, or 2. you do know this person fairly well and they have either seen manifestations of your 'bipolarity' in action or heard about it through anecdotes or stories you have told. Even if I never see another person act out, if they have told me about a bunch of scenes they caused in public where they were so adamant about being in the right they didn't stop to think how it would sound to me, I would be hesitant to invite them to anything important to me. That being said, I like what Stephann said. Friendship is not something you owe someone. If you don't feel a person is a friend to you, you certainly don't have to be one to them. You can still be polite and say hello when you see them, ask how they've been, but you don't have to be their friend. Good luck with this. It's always hard to feel like your friends don't care...sometimes THEY are the ones who don't realize they're being insensitive. It might not hurt to ask in detail why...not in an accusing way, or attempting to change their mind, but just to listen and find out why.

lonlyrossInNeed -> RE: A ? about Trust and Respect (9/19/2007 12:26:34 PM)
Not so true all the time Some ppl just dont want anything to do with ppl who have a illness has nothing to do with something they have done all the time and i never did anything and it is only this one girl who is turning out this way agenst me so right now i am just saying like my friends say the hell with here i dont even need to say hi to her when i see her at a party she had my respect and friendship and now she lost it and doesn't have it and i owe her nothing at least that is how my friend put it earlier when i talked with her Thank you Miss Nikki my good friend . Ross.g Rosie the puppy quote: ORIGINAL: Celeste43 If you're being disinvited from places and losing friends, then what you need to do now if focus on getting your illness under control. Because if you had it under control, then this wouldn't be happening. My adult child is bipolar and she's had times when she has lost friends permanently because of uncontrollable episodes. Quite honestly, everyone has a point where they will say enough, they simply don't get enough good from the relationship to balance out the bad. I know of parents who finally have had to say enough to an adult bipolar child and get a restraining order against them. Go back to your doctor, discuss medication dosages, see your therapist. This isn't a time to be focusing on wiitwd, it's a time to be focusing on you.

lonlyrossInNeed -> RE: A ? about Trust and Respect (9/19/2007 12:30:41 PM)
She never had a problem with me until she found out that i was bipolar i know that if i wasn't bipolar she would have no problem with me being there i know this much i didn't and have over 20 others who can stick to this i never said or did anything mean or rude in any way . Ross.g quote: ORIGINAL: toservez quote: ORIGINAL: DivaDuchess As far as the specific reaction to them knowing that the OP is bipolar. If you are on top of it and manage it well that has never been an issue with this life and they are just acting out of a negative stigmatism and plain ignorance then by all means screw them life is too short. If they are coming from a place of seeing specific things they found troubling then that is for you to ask about and/or decide if they have merit and go from there.

Celeste43 -> RE: A ? about Trust and Respect (9/19/2007 12:34:15 PM)
Well, if you're in control and the disease is being well controlled, then this may be ignorant prejudice on her part. But she may also have had past bad experiences with bipolars who are out of control. What it comes down to is that it is her house and her right to decide who she wants to invite.

mistoferin -> RE: A ? about Trust and Respect (9/19/2007 12:41:22 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: lonlyrossInNeed well no i never did anything in a public or private function to cause mistrusts or anyting like that ross, I think that you need to take an honest look at your behaviors and make changes if you don't want this to continue to happen.

lonlyrossInNeed -> RE: A ? about Trust and Respect (9/19/2007 12:48:41 PM)
Hey Erin long time no see i know what ineed to take a look at and i dont have any need for it i know i have problems at times but i know who i hang around and the party's i go to i do not cause trouble or anything like that As you and i both now there are a few who do like to stire things inside there head about little tiny things that some have nothing to do with but we both know that is another topic which is like 2 or 3 years old by now i think quote: ORIGINAL: mistoferin quote: ORIGINAL: lonlyrossInNeed well no i never did anything in a public or private function to cause mistrusts or anyting like that ross, I think that you need to take an honest look at your behaviors and make changes if you don't want this to continue to happen.

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