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Balancing work and play - 7/18/2005 8:35:56 PM

lachlann

Posts: 9
Joined: 2/6/2004
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I wanted to ask everybody about balancing work and play in regards to a D/s relationship.

I recently made contact with a very nice woman on collar me. We have just started sharing a bit to get to know one another and in my profile I have stated that my travel with work has sometimes caused problems when trying to start a relationship that also included D/s. So she asked me, "why do you believe it has caused problems?" Which I thought was a great question.

I, of course, have been trying to meet somebody involved in D/s and have even had the chance to start getting to know people via this site. However on TWO separate occasions, while we were starting to interact, I had to leave for work. Basic out of town travel. The kicker is, I may get a call and in an hour need to be packed and ready to go. On both of those occasions I had made plans to talk with these women online - just chat. Still in the "getting to know" process. In both cases, each woman responded to me that I had "made plans" and it was unacceptable that I was not going to show up for a scheduled chat; that it was "not as a true submissive would do."

Let me preface this by saying - I have always been honest about my crazy schedule.

It is not to say that I will not correspond while I am gone, simply that I could not meet at a specific agreed upon time.

So what do I do? I need to maintain my professional life and, furthermore, a living.

I would really appreciate some feedback.

Also, this is my first post, although I have been on collar me for some time now. I have met a few friends already. Thanks!

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RE: Balancing work and play - 7/18/2005 9:29:46 PM

imtempting

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I always beleive that work comes before most things. Given im not going to spend 7 days a week at work but like you said they know your work involves trips away and I think they should understand it.

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RE: Balancing work and play - 7/19/2005 12:00:50 AM

AAkasha

Posts: 4429
Joined: 11/27/2004
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quote:

ORIGINAL: lachlann

I wanted to ask everybody about balancing work and play in regards to a D/s relationship.

I recently made contact with a very nice woman on collar me. We have just started sharing a bit to get to know one another and in my profile I have stated that my travel with work has sometimes caused problems when trying to start a relationship that also included D/s. So she asked me, "why do you believe it has caused problems?" Which I thought was a great question.

I, of course, have been trying to meet somebody involved in D/s and have even had the chance to start getting to know people via this site. However on TWO separate occasions, while we were starting to interact, I had to leave for work. Basic out of town travel. The kicker is, I may get a call and in an hour need to be packed and ready to go. On both of those occasions I had made plans to talk with these women online - just chat. Still in the "getting to know" process. In both cases, each woman responded to me that I had "made plans" and it was unacceptable that I was not going to show up for a scheduled chat; that it was "not as a true submissive would do."

Let me preface this by saying - I have always been honest about my crazy schedule.

It is not to say that I will not correspond while I am gone, simply that I could not meet at a specific agreed upon time.

So what do I do? I need to maintain my professional life and, furthermore, a living.

I would really appreciate some feedback.

Also, this is my first post, although I have been on collar me for some time now. I have met a few friends already. Thanks!

Why not arrange a chat on the phone instead? You could call from your cell phone to/from the airport or wherever you end up, and also give notice that you will be postponing and when you can call back if work issues arise.

I don't think a realistic woman would expect you to sacrifice work to keep a "chat date" -- however, I can see it being a problem if you are seriously courting a woman and have to cancel a real life date last minute on a regular basis.

Is this an ongoing thing that would continue even into a relationship? I don't think its unreasonable for a woman to be upset if you had plans to go to an important function (to her) for example, and had to call and cancel with little or no notice. Perhaps these women are bailing on the relationship early on because they think this will be an ongoing pattern.

Akasha

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RE: Balancing work and play - 7/19/2005 5:05:41 AM

LadyAngelika

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It all boils down to time management. I've dated many workaholics. I, myself to a point, am a workaholic but not to the same degree that I once was. There are those that had insanely busy schedules and managed to keep every single date with me because they were genius time managers. I have to say for the record that I get so much done in a day because I have a gift for time management. Between a full time job, consulting work on the side, a thesis to write, a boy and a few occasional submissive play partners, my circle of friends, my cycling routine and all my posts on collarchat (ahem...) I still manage to get everything done and I rarely have to cancel anything.

I also have met men who have relatively busy schedules and were always cancelling. My ex used to do that all the time and it drove me mad. As Aakasha wrote:

quote:

I don't think its unreasonable for a woman to be upset if you had plans to go to an important function (to her) for example, and had to call and cancel with little or no notice. Perhaps these women are bailing on the relationship early on because they think this will be an ongoing pattern.

Unfortunately, in that particular situation, I stuck around until it made me resentful.

- LA

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RE: Balancing work and play - 7/19/2005 8:01:20 AM

sudja

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quote:

ORIGINAL: lachlann

...in the "getting to know" process. In both cases, each woman responded to me that I had "made plans" and it was unacceptable that I was not going to show up for a scheduled chat; that it was "not as a true submissive would do."

Let me preface this by saying - I have always been honest about my crazy schedule.

Frankly, I believe that any Dom/me doesn't "get" your situation, and would resort to the "true submissive" line of bull, wouldn't qualify as a "real" Dom/me so you're not losing much, if anything. In fact, you're very possibly saving yourself time you might otherwise be wasting.

That's not to say you don't have a responsibility to not try and find a way to make dates that will be firm. If you want them to make an effort, you have to make an effort from your end as well.

sudja

< Message edited by sudja -- 7/19/2005 8:02:32 AM >

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RE: Balancing work and play - 7/19/2005 2:17:06 PM

GoddessDustyGold

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For Myself, I would never resort to the line "you're not a real submissive" as I think it is silly. And work always takes priority. I can, however, see where this could cause a problem in the "getting to know you" stage.
Certain things might come to mind. I don't know how early into the relationships you were, or if you had to cancel with the same Domina twice. I am one who hates to chat, and would rather be on the phone anyway.
But if it was an ongoing pattern, I might wonder if you are really out of town. if you really had a busines trip, or possibley even if you had to cancel because a"wife" or "significant other" took precedence and I did not even know there was a "wife" or significant other". Sometimes it is difficult for a person to automatically accept that you are being honest. Unfortunately, We get a lot of dishonesty. I have a certain number of strikes rule, Myself. After that, I have to figure that the boy keeps getting cold feet, or might have another agenda.
I understand that you need to find someone who understands and actually ends up having knowledge of your job and work schedule and how these trips can come up quite unexpectedly. Then, if that Lady is okay with that, and knows you are being honest and this is simply the nature of your work, you will be just fine.

< Message edited by GoddessDustyGold -- 7/19/2005 2:22:58 PM >

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RE: Balancing work and play - 7/19/2005 5:36:33 PM

onceburned

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quote:

ORIGINAL: lachlann
Still in the "getting to know" process. In both cases, each woman responded to me that I had "made plans" and it was unacceptable that I was not going to show up for a scheduled chat; that it was "not as a true submissive would do."

As others have pointed out, flaky subs are out there = so your erratic work schedule might be misconstrued as cold feet or simply being a wanker.

But I wonder if vanilla women wouldn't also wonder about your erratic change of plans? Have you noticed if non-kinky women are more accepting of your last minute change of plans?

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RE: Balancing work and play - 7/19/2005 6:09:11 PM

lachlann

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Very good question Chris.

I actually have received the same response from others I have dated. I know it is difficult and if I was on the other side I am sure it would grate my nerves as well. The only reason I brought it up in THIS forum was because of the statement that it was "not as a true submissive would do."

After having read some of the responses I believe the consensus is that perhaps those were not real Dommes.

Either way, I understand that everybody's time is just as important to them as mine is for me. And in this same regard, I truly appreciate all of the feedback everybody has sent in THEIR own time!

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RE: Balancing work and play - 7/19/2005 8:27:39 PM

Euryanx

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Joined: 6/27/2005
From: Los Angeles, CA
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Hi lach,

For a lot of people there is nothing worse than getting stood up, especially if you're sitting around waiting for the person.

With your work schedule, it sounds like you need to stay flexible, and not committ yourself to a specific time. Or give yourself a broad range, like saying, I'll be online Friday night - but not give an exact time.

When you travel - do you have a laptop? That way you still might be able to make an appearance, or at least send them an email and say, "Hey I was online from 11-12, sorry we didn't connect."

Or do as Aakasha suggested, and try to limit your chatting to the phone. Just explain that you're often on the road and not always able to access your computer... Or, do as my son recently did, and get a laptop with a satellite modem, and you can logon from just about anywhere.

Just some random thoughts...

S.

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