RE: Follow Through

RE: Follow Through (Full Version)

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YourhandMyAss -> RE: Follow Through (9/19/2007 4:27:27 PM)
My dad always said it's easier to change a no to a yes, than a yes to a no. quote: ORIGINAL: MzMia Many people have a problem just saying, "NO". I see this all the time. I rather you tell me NO, or I don't think so, or maybe, than be a "Yes person" that is always backing out of situations and making flaky excuses.

gypsygrl -> RE: Follow Through (9/19/2007 4:36:01 PM)
Well, I'd like to agree with you, and if I were in a work setting, trying to organize a political rally, or doing something else productive I would. But, in D/s I've found that nothing triggers my psychological masochism more than the sort of lack of follow through and inconsistency you're talking about. Especially if the inconsistency is itself inconsistant. Its a different kind of pain, but its still pain. So long as basic needs are being met, and nobody's getting hurt, I've found I have a high tolerance for lack of follow through. Its almost become a kink with me, though years ago I had no tolerance for it.

breatheasone -> RE: Follow Through (9/19/2007 4:44:22 PM)
quote: Consistency is critical to successful bdsm relationships in our opinion. Holy Shit ! a truer statement i have never heard....

breatheasone -> RE: Follow Through (9/19/2007 4:49:16 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: gypsygrl Well, I'd like to agree with you, and if I were in a work setting, trying to organize a political rally, or doing something else productive I would. But, in D/s I've found that nothing triggers my psychological masochism more than the sort of lack of follow through and inconsistency you're talking about. Especially if the inconsistency is itself inconsistant. Its a different kind of pain, but its still pain. So long as basic needs are being met, and nobody's getting hurt, I've found I have a high tolerance for lack of follow through. Its almost become a kink with me, though years ago I had no tolerance for it. You know what?...i know exactly what you mean...i thought i was numb to it...i have lived with it all my life...my mother was TERRIBLE at not doing what she said she would....and my husband of 24 years is just as bad if not worse....so to be honest i'm a little surprised at my annoyance....its just that i'm beginning to see a pattern that troubles me and i feel ill-equipped to deal with it for some reason.

NefertariReborn -> RE: Follow Through (9/19/2007 4:49:43 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: iammachine False or broken expectations is one of my biggest pet peeves! I try to be an understanding person, stuff happens, and things come up that may or may not be avoidable. My personal philosophy is if I set an expectation on something, I am going to go through hell and high water if I have to to realize what I agreed to actualization. It's really difficult pill for me to swallow when my expectations fall short of what I receive (barring an errata), and it's hard for me to understand how others can come across as just.... kinda frivolous or wishy washy. In short, consistency is pretty flipping important to me. A person can do a lot of things, but for the love of sanity, at the very least do what you say, and if you can't or don't want to, just bloody say so. Ditto! dream and I separated. It broke My heart in all honesty, but the inconsistency drives Me up the wall. There's just a point when the wishy washy comes across as lying and you begin to wonder what the hell is the person going to fail at or lie about. Can't stand failure....makes Me postal.

gypsygrl -> RE: Follow Through (9/19/2007 4:57:58 PM)
quote: You know what?...i know exactly what you mean...i thought i was numb to it...i have lived with it all my life...my mother was TERRIBLE at not doing what she said she would....and my husband of 24 years is just as bad if not worse....so to be honest i'm a little surprised at my annoyance....its just that i'm beginning to see a pattern that troubles me and i feel ill-equipped to deal with it for some reason. There's a difference between being numb to it, and allowing it to trigger a pleasure response. :) I don't know the context or anything so I'm hesitant to say much, but, personally, I've found it useful to just ride the wave of emotion to see where it takes me without getting caught up in resistance. Basically, I give in to the feeling (humiliation, usually, which follows from feeling disrespected.) Again, I'm assuming nothing serious is at stake, and all that.

breatheasone -> RE: Follow Through (9/19/2007 5:01:25 PM)
Understood...I think that seeing how and where things go, and how they develop is a prudent thing for me to do at the moment.

chathamvahere -> RE: Follow Through (9/19/2007 5:27:50 PM)
Couldn't agree more, if you say I am going to do something do it period, (it should be a requirement for membership here:)

AFlyInYourWeb -> RE: Follow Through (9/19/2007 5:40:08 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: breatheasone If you say you are going to do something ...DO IT!!...If you *THINK* you will be able to do something then say THAT...but don't give an absolute, and then not follow through... you just look like a liar, or at the very least someone who can't be relied upon. Credibility is slow to build, but quick to evapoate. I am fairly sure that in most instances, people are more guilty of Wishful Thinking than pre-meditated fabrication. As you say, that makes them all unreliable, but I am not inclined to call anyone a liar unless I am certain it was in cold blood.

breatheasone -> RE: Follow Through (9/19/2007 5:46:29 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: AFlyInYourWeb quote: ORIGINAL: breatheasone If you say you are going to do something ...DO IT!!...If you *THINK* you will be able to do something then say THAT...but don't give an absolute, and then not follow through... you just look like a liar, or at the very least someone who can't be relied upon. Credibility is slow to build, but quick to evapoate. I am fairly sure that in most instances, people are more guilty of Wishful Thinking than pre-meditated fabrication. As you say, that makes them all unreliable, but I am not inclined to call anyone a liar unless I am certain it was in cold blood. I have been thinking about that very thing...and i fear you are correct...I'm certain the word liar here was way too harsh....i tend to but an emotional person and haven't yet mastered them....thank you for pointing this out to me and giving me the chance to make that admission.

LATEXBABY64 -> RE: Follow Through (9/19/2007 5:46:58 PM)
that is a very true statement.

teamnoir -> RE: Follow Through (9/20/2007 5:12:49 PM)
Word! Why don't they... do what they say!? say what they mean!? (at which point teamnoir starts dancing around in circles singing "one thing leads to another" by The Fixx) http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lzymBKGV8rw http://digitaldreamdoor.com/pages/lyrics/one_thing_leads.html

adoracat -> RE: Follow Through (9/20/2007 5:26:38 PM)
~fast response~ i have health issues which make ALL plans i make tenative. i've lost friends because of it, because i DO have to cancel. pretty constantly. and yeah it does suck, and not in any way of the good... kitten

breatheasone -> RE: Follow Through (9/20/2007 5:30:53 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: teamnoir Word! Why don't they... do what they say!? say what they mean!? (at which point teamnoir starts dancing around in circles singing "one thing leads to another" by The Fixx) http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lzymBKGV8rw http://digitaldreamdoor.com/pages/lyrics/one_thing_leads.html LOL...nice...I needed a smile....

breatheasone -> RE: Follow Through (9/20/2007 5:33:43 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: adoracat ~fast response~ i have health issues which make ALL plans i make tenative. i've lost friends because of it, because i DO have to cancel. pretty constantly. and yeah it does suck, and not in any way of the good... kitten Yes...I hear ya...and I'm sorry you have to deal with that...Master has a VERY demanding job...my brain KNOWS this....I don't know why that paranoid twit inside me doesn't want to get that....I really do get that shit happens....I just don't always remember it all at once...

NICouple -> RE: Follow Through (10/13/2007 11:21:23 PM)
we recently had a sub apply to us. she committed to X amount of time (one evening every second week). knowing her schedule I questioned her ability to deliver on her commitment. she begged to be allowed to show her commitment. after the 3rd failure to appear when called on it she replied with "well, you know my work makes it impossible to make any plans" and we were the bad guys because we ended it there and then.

porcelaine -> RE: Follow Through (10/13/2007 11:35:35 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: breatheasone Yes...I hear ya...and I'm sorry you have to deal with that...Master has a VERY demanding job...my brain KNOWS this....I don't know why that paranoid twit inside me doesn't want to get that....I really do get that shit happens....I just don't always remember it all at once... I believe you have an excellent opportunity for growth and change at your fingertips. Submission never implies that we must ignore our feelings or reactions. While we may learn to curtail them in certain instances, ignoring a personal truth can have negative consequences. His job is demanding and brings with it compromises and sacrifices that may have been explained, however, until we are actually experiencing them firsthand you're rarely prepared. Nonetheless, the impact of his inability to communicate with you in a manner you understood has had domino effect on your emotions. Pay close attention to how you're being impacted and calmly explain this to him. Providing good feedback and verifiable details will prevent the conversation from derailing and becoming emotionally charged. Reinforce your willingness to understand and be flexible when needed, but never forger there are two in this dynamic. Your feelings are just as important as his. Best of luck to you. porcelaine

LaTigresse -> RE: Follow Through (10/14/2007 6:55:03 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: breatheasone quote: Consistency is critical to successful bdsm relationships in our opinion. Holy Shit ! a truer statement i have never heard.... Exactly! And something I am very watchful of in the beginning of the "getting to know you" phase. I am very watchful, remembering small details, all while projecting a very relaxed laid back style. Making simple requests, while offering pieces of myself to help establish their comfort and trust. Watching and waiting, to see if they can comply with the simplest of things. Forgiving of some things if there is a viable reason, like " sorry I couldn't call as promised, I was called into work" even though I make a mental note that they could have called to tell me. Then, when they make a promise, with the word "promise" in the sentence, fail to follow through with no reason at all....other than something else came up (drinking and having fun with cousins and can I just text you because I really cannot talk). Wellllllll, after a string of little red flags, yes, the straw that broke the back. Tells me that the commitment doesn't really exist except as it is convenient to her. I am tough on things like this in the beginning. Saves alot of headache and heartache later on. If they cannot be honest and consistent in the beginning, there is no reason to believe it will get better later on.

imtempting -> RE: Follow Through (10/14/2007 7:00:38 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: breatheasone If you say you are going to do something ...DO IT!!...If you *THINK* you will be able to do something then say THAT...but don't give an absolute, and then not follow through... you just look like a liar, or at the very least someone who can't be relied upon. Well its called living in hope. I do it at work at times to get the sale. I have no idea how im going to accomplish the task but I still say not a problem. You will see it in the morning. 9 out of 10 times I pull it off and look great. If I dont say it then they go to my competitors and even if they dont find it they look good as atleast they tried.

MaamJay -> RE: Follow Through (10/14/2007 2:51:53 PM)
A few thoughts: 1. If someone has a demanding job, I try to get a handle on how demanding it is and how much control they have over their schedule. If it really is the sort of job where the boss can demand someone keep working till 4am or whatever with no chance to phone out or get to the email (eg a long meeting) ... then I make a mental note to self to not get My knickers in a twist if they are missing and known to be at work. If it kept on happening I'd be discussing with them the wisdom of having such a job in terms of their health ... and My sanity! 2. I am prepared to be understanding and forgiving to a point ... but there has to be a good reason for the absence or delayed contact and strategies need to be worked out to try to avoid a repetition of the problem. Lame excuses aren't acceptable, especially if there was an obvious win-win strategy that could have been used. An eg ... I had a great coffee meet with a male sub one day and W/we agreed he could come for a try-out play session. W/we set a morning time as he had the whole morning off that day. I'm not a morning person (starts hooting like an owl grin) so I went to some trouble to be up, ready and even laced into My corset (I needed to look the part to feel the part at that hour LOL!). So I'm sitting in My dungeon, waiting ... waiting ... waiting. No msg on either landline or mobile (he had both) ... eventually I went back up to the house and checked email ... no msg there either. Was thoroughly pissed off, but was prepared to listen to a reason, realising that unforeseen circumstances can arise. When he finally phoned that night the excuse was "Some good friends of mine had their baby the day before, I went out that night to "wet the baby's head" and was too hungover to come for the session." I terminated contact. Yes friends are important, yes he had committed to celebrating with them ... but yes, he could have done so without getting so damned pissed he couldn't honour his commitment to Me the next day. I'm sure he thought I was the bad guy! 3. In relationships, if the same things keep happening to Me from different people, I try to take a close look at what I am contributing to it. Why do I seem to attract people who do this? Am I expecting it to happen? Am I doing anything that in a roundabout way facilitates it happening? How am I handling it? Are My reactions the same no matter who does it? Can I put strategies in place to manage this better? I just noticed that you said your Mum does this, and your hubby ... you might not be able to manage/change your Mum grin ... but have a think about the others. All the best Maam Jay aka violet[A]

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