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MadameMarque -> RE: Does it gotta be humilating? (10/19/2007 8:53:18 AM)
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Hi. It's a great idea of yours, to ask what's expected, because it is the troubling experience of many people, trying to fit into a niche, in the scene, when they first begin to interact with others, to feel they must find some role closest to their feelings, and conform to it.
Humiliation is not an automatic element of BDSM. I can hardly think of anything that is, other that a power differential of some kind, at some point, just in order to meet the definition of some kind of B&D, D/s, or S&M.
Humiliation is just one of so many various interactions and dynamics you could have, and call it dominant/submissive, or top/bottom, or sadist/masochist, or owner/slave.
Is obedience necessary? No. For example, some people like force, struggle, take down scenes, kidnap, captivity. Is pain necessary? No. You could, for example, be dominant/submissive, with no pain, you could have bondage without pain, and even discipline. Are the dominant and submissive roles necessary? No. You could have all sorts of sensation play, S&M, or bondage, be beaten or pierced or tortured, without treating each other like dominant and submissive, at all. Is anger or fear necessary? No...
...but in all these cases, your feelings and urges will be yours, whether you pay attention to them and follow them, or try to cross them, ignore them, or act in contradiction to them.
I'm not sure what you mean by "malicious." But I can tell you that, number one, just about everything we do called BDSM, is very like something which is done nonconsensually, in hostility - taking power over another, "forcing" them, hurting them, making them slaves or pets or objects, humiliation, captivity, etc, etc. All these appear to be malicious. That's, very simply, why some people find them so offensive, and think they're sick to engage in.
Humiliation, for example, is psychological sadomasochism. One thing it does - potentially - is create great intimacy, because of its psychological intensity, and the stripping bare it does.
And, secondly, hopefully, when we do these things, all of these are, in fact, done in a spirit that's, at the least, a benign sharing of fun and lust and satisfaction, and at its best, is love and the drive to dive deep with another, share the passion, the lust, the depth of each other.
Your feelings and urges will define your personal scene and role(s) and relationships. You create what moves you and works for you, and let the terms bend to describe you, not the other way around.
Yes, you may want to let someone else define the terms, in a relationship. But even then, you will be half the dynamic and there is that third thing created, by the two of you - the relationship, itself.
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