RE: Finding Balance

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flowspen -> RE: Finding Balance (9/22/2007 4:47:46 PM)
Thank You Tammy~

pixelslave -> RE: Finding Balance (9/22/2007 8:53:40 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: QueenBree I hate to admit that I struggle with this concept as well. Being Dominant has always been reserved for "playtime" and now that I am considering the vanilla side of a sub, it throws things off for me. I have always made sure that he enjoys our session as much as I do, but turning the on and off switch can be hard to do throughout the day. I don't consider myself a control freak, and I am open to compromise in a vanilla relationship but I feel that I would certainly be expected to take the lead in a D/S relationship and really, who wants that responsibility ALL the time? Like any good manager, I'd expect a good Mistress to learn where my strengths & weaknesses lie (not to mention to know hers) and delegate responsibility for things to me so that she wouldn't have to worry about them. It sounds as though you fear the need to micro-manage a sub and that's not necessarily what being a dominant is all about; although it may be a style that some prefer or choose to exercise. That said, even though I feel a D/s relationship is still about "Us" and "Our combined needs", I still always feel submissive to some degree to my Mistress, even when I'm in my "element" so to speak and she clearly is not. Thus the importance to me of having a relationship with a Mistress who can recognize both of our weaknesses and strengths, making the best use of them as appropriate. [&:] Deciding ahead of time where those strengths are and who is expected to be responsible at different times, is still exercising your control by delegating things to your sub as appropriate and is in no way a sign of weakness. It's been said that smart executives surround themselves with talented and bright people, why wouldn't a Domme want to do the same? I hope this helps relieve your concerns and explain an option you have available to you in establishing your dyanamic with future subs. [:D] - pixel Collared to Majik

mizuno -> RE: Finding Balance (9/23/2007 9:03:00 PM)
i have my 2 cents to add to this conversation. i was recently with a dominant who had a form of that previously mentioned multiple personality, save that there was also a lot of denial as well. If this gets off topic, sorry, but it is very frustrating. The only problem with the MPD is that, although i would do what i was told, she would artificially create 24/7, i could do no right, would not negotiate when things were going badly, and only cared about her wants and needs, while only caring about my most basic of needs (food, sleep), promising things that never happened, and more. Her attempts at poly she tried to blame on me, again a form of denial. And i got a question. Isn't the biggest difference between a submissive and a slave (and i am a sub) the ability to say no? If so, she wanted me to become a slave through trickery, because i was not allowed to say no to her, especially when she used the ultimate threat of kicking me out (At the time i was staying with her). Of course, she wasn't really nurturing; any time i came to talk to her about something that was emotional, she would interrupt me a minute in, say what i was thinking was wrong, and tell me why in her opine it was wrong. And i did try being friends first! She would contradict herself, while all the time saying things like "i am giving of my most important resource, myself" spending literally all day in front of the computer. "I am taking an interest in you, just not in the way you want." The way she took interest was in ways of making sure all her needs and wants were fulfilled without mine being so. And now she calls me a timewaster here. i wasn't even allowed to have emotions, if they adversely affected what she wanted! T_T Addendum: she never even tried playing with me. i was like a maid that basically got nothing in return, and she thought i needed to get my head out of my ass and learn "submission is its own reward." Not that type, i freely admit to it, especially when D/s requires a deep mental/emotional connection that COULD NOT happen what with her refuting anything i tried to do to deepen such a connection.

RRafe -> RE: Finding Balance (9/23/2007 9:05:12 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: mizuno i have my 2 cents to add to this conversation. i was recently with a dominant who had a form of that previously mentioned multiple personality, save that there was also a lot of denial as well. If this gets off topic, sorry, but it is very frustrating. The only problem with the MPD is that, although i would do what i was told, she would artificially create 24/7, i could do no right, would not negotiate when things were going badly, and only cared about her wants and needs, while only caring about my most basic of needs (food, sleep), promising things that never happened, and more. Her attempts at poly she tried to blame on me, again a form of denial. And i got a question. Isn't the biggest difference between a submissive and a slave (and i am a sub) the ability to say no? If so, she wanted me to become a slave through trickery, because i was not allowed to say no to her, especially when she used the ultimate threat of kicking me out (At the time i was staying with her). Of course, she wasn't really nurturing; any time i came to talk to her about something that was emotional, she would interrupt me a minute in, say what i was thinking was wrong, and tell me why in her opine it was wrong. And i did try being friends first! She would contradict herself, while all the time saying things like "i am giving of my most important resource, myself" spending literally all day in front of the computer. "I am taking an interest in you, just not in the way you want." The way she took interest was in ways of making sure all her needs and wants were fulfilled without mine being so. And now she calls me a timewaster here. i wasn't even allowed to have emotions, if they adversely affected what she wanted! T_T Which is why narccisists are annoying. Sorry you had to go through that-very disturbing.

ShiftedJewel -> RE: Finding Balance (9/25/2007 2:38:21 PM)
quote: Those types of Women seem not to exist anymore. Now a days it seems to be flog, whip and cain but there are so many other delicious pains out there that take me to levels of submissions that are beyond my own limits. So a Mistress who is only Sadistic wouldn't work because my other side the more loving and spiritual side would suffer too much. after posting this i now see i have met those who had the balance i was looking for but the type of pain they enjoyed giving isn't the love for pain i have in the way i am use to recieving it. So even after a great flogging i am still yearning like i wasn't flogged at all. *I agree, floggers are way to over rated these days. If I can avoid it I won't even pick one up... I really prefer "stings" more.* And maybe you are reading too much into it... Or maybe I'm not reading enough into it. I know there are a lot of sadistic females out there, but surely they also have that loving side you yearn for? I can't imagine being "just" sadistic. Yes, it's awesome to have someone that enjoys the sadist in you, but I want someone I can talk to afterwards. Someone I can joke with and have long deep conversations with. I'm pretty sure I'm not alone in that... am I? *Jewel*

HelenaTroy -> RE: Finding Balance (9/25/2007 5:44:47 PM)
I didn't think begging would work on me, but apparently if done cutely and properly, I cave in when being the subject of begging and praying. (grumbles about this) (must learn to become oblivious to said begging and praying - no matter how cutely done) Helena

undergroundsea -> RE: Finding Balance (9/25/2007 6:11:02 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: HelenaTroy I didn't think begging would work on me, but apparently if done cutely and properly, I cave in when being the subject of begging and praying. Isn't responding to sincere prayer part of being a deity? ;-) Cheers, Sea

undergroundsea -> RE: Finding Balance (9/25/2007 6:43:39 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: flowspen i feel like i have two sides to me within this lifestyle. A part of me yerns for the more physical, the pain, degregation, humiliation and the other part of me wants to be adored, valued and more of a power exchange. I relate with how you feel. For now, I have accepted that the broader relationship that is a mix of BDSM and romance appeals to a broader part of me and have leaned towards dynamics that rely more on service and D/s than on SM. I think within that broader relationship the types of play you describe could occur if the relationship reaches a point where such activities become not antithetic to romance or affection but another expression of romance and affection. Still, I understand what you mean about the rawness of the SM if the softer feelings were not there to soften it. One way that such play can be had or at least explored in a broader relationship is through role play. I think role play allows an anonymity of sorts that can allow one to approach such play if the softer feelings do not ordinarily allow it. Also, some people might agree to an open relationship with that regard. Cheers, Sea

HelenaTroy -> RE: Finding Balance (9/25/2007 6:53:33 PM)
The Olympian gods and goddesses responded best to burnt offerings and blood sacrifice in addition to sincere prayer. Ahem. And I don't mean burnt grilled cheese sandwiches, either. Helena

undergroundsea -> RE: Finding Balance (9/25/2007 7:03:30 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: HelenaTroy The Olympian gods and goddesses responded best to burnt offerings and blood sacrifice in addition to sincere prayer. Ahem. And I don't mean burnt grilled cheese sandwiches, either. ~~No Cajun food then?~~ ~~Do candles count? An old band-aid?~~ Ok. You have me. I have no suitable response. Cheers, Sea

laurell3 -> RE: Finding Balance (9/26/2007 4:37:00 AM)
flowspen, first, welcome to the forums, your questions and comments are polite, insightful and intelligent. I am kind of going through what I think is a similar phase right now of wanting to balance serving with not being needy. I think as other posters pointed out, the problem with not expressing your needs is that it will detrimentally effect the relationship. Regardless of role, if you are unhappy or don't feel appreciated, you will grow discontent. Old school d/s talks about a sub's respsonsibility to tell their Dom/me of any serious thoughts or problems they have to avoid miscommunication and discontentment and what I am finding to be true for myself is not talking about it makes a little thing into a big thing eventually. l

thetammyjo -> RE: Finding Balance (9/26/2007 7:29:00 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: mizuno i have my 2 cents to add to this conversation. i was recently with a dominant who had a form of that previously mentioned multiple personality, save that there was also a lot of denial as well. If this gets off topic, sorry, but it is very frustrating. The only problem with the MPD is that, although i would do what i was told, she would artificially create 24/7, i could do no right, would not negotiate when things were going badly, and only cared about her wants and needs, while only caring about my most basic of needs (food, sleep), promising things that never happened, and more. Her attempts at poly she tried to blame on me, again a form of denial. And i got a question. Isn't the biggest difference between a submissive and a slave (and i am a sub) the ability to say no? If so, she wanted me to become a slave through trickery, because i was not allowed to say no to her, especially when she used the ultimate threat of kicking me out (At the time i was staying with her). Of course, she wasn't really nurturing; any time i came to talk to her about something that was emotional, she would interrupt me a minute in, say what i was thinking was wrong, and tell me why in her opine it was wrong. And i did try being friends first! She would contradict herself, while all the time saying things like "i am giving of my most important resource, myself" spending literally all day in front of the computer. "I am taking an interest in you, just not in the way you want." The way she took interest was in ways of making sure all her needs and wants were fulfilled without mine being so. And now she calls me a timewaster here. i wasn't even allowed to have emotions, if they adversely affected what she wanted! T_T Addendum: she never even tried playing with me. i was like a maid that basically got nothing in return, and she thought i needed to get my head out of my ass and learn "submission is its own reward." Not that type, i freely admit to it, especially when D/s requires a deep mental/emotional connection that COULD NOT happen what with her refuting anything i tried to do to deepen such a connection. As someone with MPD who owns a slave with MPD let me say that what you are describing has almost nothing to do with MPD.

flowspen -> RE: Finding Balance (9/26/2007 12:01:31 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: ShiftedJewel quote: Those types of Women seem not to exist anymore. Now a days it seems to be flog, whip and cain but there are so many other delicious pains out there that take me to levels of submissions that are beyond my own limits. So a Mistress who is only Sadistic wouldn't work because my other side the more loving and spiritual side would suffer too much. after posting this i now see i have met those who had the balance i was looking for but the type of pain they enjoyed giving isn't the love for pain i have in the way i am use to recieving it. So even after a great flogging i am still yearning like i wasn't flogged at all. *I agree, floggers are way to over rated these days. If I can avoid it I won't even pick one up... I really prefer "stings" more.* And maybe you are reading too much into it... Or maybe I'm not reading enough into it. I know there are a lot of sadistic females out there, but surely they also have that loving side you yearn for? I can't imagine being "just" sadistic. Yes, it's awesome to have someone that enjoys the sadist in you, but I want someone I can talk to afterwards. Someone I can joke with and have long deep conversations with. I'm pretty sure I'm not alone in that... am I? *Jewel* It is true the Sadistic ones have a sensual side, i didn't give enough details on that point. At my club i usualy have play time with Tops vs. Mistresses and those Tops are generally Sadistic but they tell me they are Tops because they dont like the submission part of D/s just the Sadistic stuff so it is one sided. i have fun with them dont get me wrong .. :) interesting statement about picking up a flogger or not picking it up.

flowspen -> RE: Finding Balance (9/26/2007 12:17:57 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: laurell3 flowspen, first, welcome to the forums, your questions and comments are polite, insightful and intelligent. I am kind of going through what I think is a similar phase right now of wanting to balance serving with not being needy. I think as other posters pointed out, the problem with not expressing your needs is that it will detrimentally effect the relationship. Regardless of role, if you are unhappy or don't feel appreciated, you will grow discontent. Old school d/s talks about a sub's respsonsibility to tell their Dom/me of any serious thoughts or problems they have to avoid miscommunication and discontentment and what I am finding to be true for myself is not talking about it makes a little thing into a big thing eventually. l Greetings laurell... Thank you for your thoughts. You hit the nail right on the head i dont want to seem needy or only thinking about myself. i feel if i make a list in my profile i will come off just like that. i think i want it too bad because it makes me hold back and second quess everything i say or do. it is really based out of a fear of rejection. i always tell subs to speak there minds and for somethings i have spoken mine well on alot of things, yet there are those Mistresses that i really really like and thats where the fear comes to play because it really matters to me what they think of me and that one thing makes me hold back. Before i wrote on this board i couldn't see that but from reading comments and talking with people i can see it now. The problem is inside of me and i see i have full control of it too. i have learned a whole lot and met some really wonderful people from these boards. Now i just have to put all this into practice somehow. Thank you for your kind words to me i appreciate it and i do feel very welcomed here. troy

Cloudz -> RE: Finding Balance (9/26/2007 7:54:45 PM)
i agree with You on this. i do ask every chance i get. i dont ask everyone though for not everyone will be able to a match with me. Now begging is something maybe i should do more of :). i think that if i beg and She (if i had a She) would allow me to experience those things but in Her heart she didn't really like those activities then it wouldn't be as rewarding. So to me the trick is finding the right Dominant Woman to ask and to beg and plea! [/quote] flowspen, You are absolutely right...if she doens't really like fill in the blank it won't be totally rewarding for either one of you. Communication and negotiation are needed. My puppy and I don't agree on everything...but we do on most. Sometimes we decide to give something a try, when only one of us is into it. We may find that it is better than the hesitant one expected, sometimes it turns into something we will do sometimes, but not often...and sometimes it is a "nah, I don't think we will try that again." We talk a lot, about everything, and that helps. It is important to be on the same page with the things either of you really need to feel fullfilled, and the rest...like sprinkles on your ice cream... sometimes you are in the mood, and sometimes you are not. Do hang in and keep trying. It is possible to have "it all." I speak from experience...of course at the end of the day...my motto is "It's GOOD to be ME" <weg>. Best of luck and I enjoy your thoughtful posts!

ShiftedJewel -> RE: Finding Balance (9/27/2007 6:02:13 AM)
quote: At my club i usualy have play time with Tops vs. Mistresses and those Tops are generally Sadistic but they tell me they are Tops because they dont like the submission part of D/s just the Sadistic stuff so it is one sided. i have fun with them dont get me wrong .. :) interesting statement about picking up a flogger or not picking it up. *Ok, that makes more sense to me. Thank you for clarifying.* *And the comment about floggers? It's because I prefer things like quirts and viper and zippers.... oh my* *lol* *Jewel*

flowspen -> RE: Finding Balance (9/27/2007 6:53:23 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: ShiftedJewel quote: At my club i usualy have play time with Tops vs. Mistresses and those Tops are generally Sadistic but they tell me they are Tops because they dont like the submission part of D/s just the Sadistic stuff so it is one sided. i have fun with them dont get me wrong .. :) interesting statement about picking up a flogger or not picking it up. *Ok, that makes more sense to me. Thank you for clarifying.* *And the comment about floggers? It's because I prefer things like quirts and viper and zippers.... oh my* *lol* *Jewel* quirts, viper and zippers.. hmmmm i have never heard of any of these toys.. what are they.. or is it really a zipper like zipping up a coat??

ShiftedJewel -> RE: Finding Balance (9/27/2007 3:58:02 PM)
*Yes... quirts and vipers and zippers .... oh my.* A quirt is similar to a whip but with two tails that come to a point, the viper is the same with three tails and a zipper is clothespins hooked on a string... you put them on, wait a while then "unzip" them by pulling the string. *Jewel*

flowspen -> RE: Finding Balance (9/27/2007 6:29:38 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: ShiftedJewel *Yes... quirts and vipers and zippers .... oh my.* A quirt is similar to a whip but with two tails that come to a point, the viper is the same with three tails and a zipper is clothespins hooked on a string... you put them on, wait a while then "unzip" them by pulling the string. *Jewel* Ohhhh Ok!!

LadyPact -> RE: Finding Balance (9/27/2007 11:51:35 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: flowspen i feel like i have two sides to me within this lifestyle. A part of me yerns for the more physical, the pain, degregation, humiliation and the other part of me wants to be adored, valued and more of a power exchange. i find it extremely difficult to find balance within a Dominant Woman were i can experience both it always seems to be that i have to chose between one side or the other. Is it possible to have both sides at once? and When so many constantly tell me that this lifestyle is all about the Dominant how does a submissive get what he/she needs in this lifestyle? It's absolutely possible to have both sides at once. I would have to say that a lot of it is based on finding the right Dominant for you who is a mixture of the two sides. Selecting carefully who one wishes to serve is the key point. For example, I consider Myself a sadist. Though I very much enjoy being served, eventually, I would want to play. That means, My boy should have at least a streak of pain slut in him. I enjoy inflicting pain more when I know the receiver is also enjoying it. At the same time, a dynamic that is completely based on Me inflicting pain becomes rather boring after a while. Let's face it. I can find casual bottoms to play just about anywhere. They don't have the same connection as one who serves Me. It really is the service that endears My boy more to Me. Speaking of which, My sub knows his place with Me. There is no question of My rewarding his efforts when he does well in either area. That's just My way of things. I tend to think it is noticeable because folks are already calling U/us the "P" family in certain circles.

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