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VadFarkas -> Oldie but Goodie (9/19/2007 10:11:32 PM)
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Humans originally existed as members of small bands of nomadic
hunters/gatherers. They lived on deer in the mountains during the
summer and would go to the coast and live on fish and lobster in the winter.
The two most important events in all of history were the invention of
beer and the invention of the wheel. The wheel was invented to get man to
the beer more quickly. These were the foundation of modern civilization and
together were the catalyst for the splitting of humanity into two distinct
subgroups:
1. Liberals, and
2. Conservatives.
Once beer was discovered, it required grain and that was the beginning
of agriculture. Neither the glass bottle nor aluminum can was invented
yet, so while our early humans were sitting around waiting for them to be
invented, they just stayed close to the brewery. That's how villages were formed.
Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals to BBQ at night
while they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of what is now known as the Conservative movement.
Other men--who were weaker and less skilled at hunting--learned to live
off the conservatives by showing up for the nightly BBQ's and doing the
sewing, fetching, hair dressing, and dancing around the fire. This was the
beginning of the Liberal movement. (Some of these liberal men eventually
evolved into women. The rest became known as girlie-men.)
Some noteworthy liberal achievements include the domestication of cats,
the invention of group therapy, group hugs, and the concept of Democratic
voting to decide how to divide the meat and beer that the conservatives
provided.
Over the years conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest, most
powerful land animal on earth, the elephant. Liberals are symbolized by
the jackass.
Modern liberals like imported beer (with a slice of lime), but most prefer white wine or imported bottled water. They eat raw fish, but like their beef well done. Sushi, tofu, and French food is standard liberal fare.
Another interesting evolutionary side note: most liberal women have
higher testosterone levels than their men. Most social workers, personal
injury attorneys, journalists, dreamers in Hollywood , and group therapists are liberals. Liberals invented the designated hitter rule in baseball
because it wasn't fair to make the pitcher also bat.
Conservatives drink domestic beer. They eat red meat and still provide
for their women. Conservatives are big game hunters, rodeo cowboys,
lumberjacks, construction workers, firemen, medical doctors, police
officers, corporate executives, athletes, Marines, and generally anyone
who works productively. Conservatives who own companies try to hire other
conservatives who want to work for a living.
Liberals produce little or nothing. They like to govern the producers
and decide what to do with the production. Liberals believe Europeans are
more enlightened than Americans. That is why most of the liberals remained
in Europe when conservatives were coming to America . They crept in after
the Wild West was tamed and created a business of trying to get more for
nothing.
Here ends today's lesson in world history. It should be noted that a
Liberal may have a momentary urge to angrily respond to the above before
forwarding it. A Conservative will simply laugh and be so convinced of
the absolute truth of this history that it will be forwarded immediately to
other true believers and to more liberals just to get to them.
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