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The Masks We Wear... - 7/19/2005 8:07:03 PM

fourpeas

Posts: 243
Joined: 5/6/2005
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Some of you may have read my other post about my grandfather passing away very suddenly. Today.

As I look at my life and the situation I'm in right now, I am finding it really hard to do anything but go back into my old masks and habits that I wear when I'm around my family.

I tried to talk to my mother tonight and she was an absolute wreck. As much as I wanted to cry, I found myself "stoically" and "heroically" and "martyr-ly" slipping back into the role I played in my youth, as "The Strong One" aka the one who holds the family together.

We all have roles that we play, and being with my Dom has really helped me to recognize where some of that comes from and try to recognize the masks that we wear. (We are reading an excellent book together called If The Buddha Married, by Charlotte Kasl.)

I want to see what happens in this situation. Right now I am pretty much in shock I think, and feeling little to no emotion. In addition to getting home to "be strong" for the family, I also have to find people to run my store for the weekend, as the place where I work is depending on me to run the store this weekend. My boss is out of town for a conference and I am the assistant manager. He (of course) told me to get the heck out of Dodge and get home to see my family. So I also have to be
"The Strong One" for my co-workers, and motivate them to get us out of the slump that we're in at work. I have to go home and be "The Strong One" for my mother, who is a wreck.

Now... my Dom/Master also encourages me to be strong too, although not in a way that pushes him away or pushes my emotions back, like I am doing in this situation. *Looks at self quizzically* "Who, me? Not dealing with my emotions?? Nahhhh...." I also know that he doesn't particularly like hearing my martyr stories. And to be honest, I'm sick of being a martyr. I am tired of telling some of these stories. But at the same time, I feel that my relationships with my family are what they are *right now.* I believe that the potential for change is there, but I think I can state with certainty that right now is not the time to try and change them in a 48-hour weekend. (!)

And as I write this, I am completely alone in a city 1000 miles from my family, 2000 miles from my Master, and basically I'm here in an empty apartment and I am choosing not to cry, cause ain't nobody here to catch these tears. I just think it's a selfish waste right now. And this is coming from the same person who will weep openly at a lot of things. (?) I don't know. I haven't talked with anyone since I got the call a few hours ago who would understand or care, and I am okay. (Mostly because I think I went into survival mode and put my mask on. I had a pep talk with myself in the bathtub in which I told myself that I was a soldier and there was no time for tears on the battlefield!!!)

??? ??? ???

What's up with this, subs? Are there any other subs/slaves out there... (OK EmeraldSlave I know what happens when we ask questions like that around here... LMAO) ... who have found themself in a similar situation? What did you do? How did you fight between being the person that your family/friends/coworkers need and the person that your Master/Dom/me needs? How did you deal with the question specifically as it related to the death of a family member or a parent? It's a stressful time in which people are dealing with the immediacy of having a funeral and also the greiving process. Any stories or situations of how you dealt and changed your reactions would be great.

I just feel really weird and disconnected right now.

I also apologize for this really weird, long, seriously convoluted and rambling post. I just needed to say something and I didn't know where to put it.

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RE: The Masks We Wear... - 7/19/2005 11:23:47 PM

EmeraldSlave2

Posts: 3645
Joined: 1/1/2004
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quote:

ORIGINAL: fourpeas
What's up with this, subs? Are there any other subs/slaves out there... (OK EmeraldSlave I know what happens when we ask questions like that around here... LMAO)

You found something to smile over...that right there made my week in more ways than you know.

quote:

... who have found themself in a similar situation? What did you do? How did you fight between being the person that your family/friends/coworkers need and the person that your Master/Dom/me needs?

First, you have to tell the dom that this is the person you are with your family.

I am the baby of the family, I don't LIKE that. I know that when I am around my mom or other family members, I naturally slip into it. So I simply avoid the situation by only being around them for short frequent periods. The Owner KNOWS this is the dynamic we have and allows it to work itself through. As long as I don't allow it to become dysfunctional for me (and he trusts me to not let it) then we're ok.

In another perspective, the boyfriend has a very specific role within his family, and they "solve" conflict in a way that is very foreign to my own and not something I consider healthy. No, I can work on the boyfriend and help him understand. However, if I tried to change how the family worked and how they dealt with him, or if I tried to force him to take a new stance within the family dynamic, it would cause unnecessary stress and likely not get a positive result for anyone. Only in extreme situations should this be considered.

quote:

How did you deal with the question specifically as it related to the death of a family member or a parent? It's a stressful time in which people are dealing with the immediacy of having a funeral and also the greiving process. Any stories or situations of how you dealt and changed your reactions would be great.

Goodness, people deal with grief in so many ways. Right now all the psycho crap I could come up with, all the personal experiences to share, really won't mean much to you. But I'm glad you shared and can ask these questions at least.

For me I simply allowed myself to be available. Whatever extras needed to be done, even if it was just a tissue holder, I was there fluttering in the background.

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RE: The Masks We Wear... - 7/20/2005 4:03:09 AM

wetsub000

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I'm so sorry to hear about your grandfather and although it was somewhat rambling I understand exactly what you mean about the family 'roles' and masks we wear.

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RE: The Masks We Wear... - 7/20/2005 6:42:34 AM

plantlady64

Posts: 755
Joined: 5/19/2005
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Hello fourpeas,
I'm very sorry for your loss.
When my Grandma died (My very favorite adult in the world) inside I was devastated. I like you am programmed to take charge and nurture everyone else. I process my feelings on my own while I help everyone work out their feelings too.
I ran the house for the whole three days of the wake and funeral, I coordinated the guests, and I was the strong one for my Mom, Sister and Brother who were very emotional throughout the ordeal.
I was only 19 years old.
I didn't cry till I was packing up her clothes two weeks later to take to the thrift store. That was when I finally reached my maximum capacity to cope. I sat in her closet on her floor alone for about an hour just crying my eyes out and hugging her clothes. You too will reach the point when it's your turn to cry.
I also at one point reached the point in my life where I was pissed off by not being able to be weaker and just give up like I've seen so many others do under pressure. But over the years I drew from the eternal spring of this strength and have found the joy of it now.
I actually think to be a servant to others and have the strength to not only carry myself, but them too is one of the best gifts from God I have had bestowed on me. To be blessed with the strength of many masks in your suitcase is a great thing in my opinion. It does not mean you can't be yourself, but rather that in being yourself you can help & serve others by your strength, compassion and knowledge.
To be wired to be compassionate and strong is weary work sometimes, but be grateful for the fact you can make it through anything you set your mind to. Your inner beauty and strength will carry you through any test of endurance.
As to not crying when you're home alone, I personally in private cry my rivers. It releases my need to vent and makes me feel better in the end. I know many don't feel this way, but when I cry alone I feel like God is still there with me and catches my tears.

I think we are all spirits trapped in these imperfect human bodies. I think when we die we become pure energy and spirit. Every time you remember the joy you had in your Grandpa's company it keeps his spirit alive in you. I also think our loved ones when they go into the next realm come become our Guardian Angels until we join them in the hereafter. Take comfort in the notion he's going to be right there with you in your heart always.
I'll pray for you to find the strength to carry on and that your Family helps carry you more also.
Sincerely,
sub suzanne

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RE: The Masks We Wear... - 7/20/2005 8:44:56 AM

gentlesurrender

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Fourpeas, my thougths and prayers are with you at such a sad time

I empathise with so much of your post and with emmerald too. I am the baby of our family and yet as my dad would say 'I am the strongest one'

When my father died, i was there for my mum, my own children and you do put yourself into almost like subspace, a world your own, i can cope, i can do this, and it all becomes very surreal.

I cant comment on the dom side, as although i had one, he became like a child and wanted attention from me, even pretended to have an injury, i took him to hospital, tended him and then caught him out, the betrayal was enormous.

How do you cope, fourpeas, just take one day at a time, one step at a time. Allow yourself time for the grieving process, each and everyone of us deals with grief differently, but we all at some stage go through the denial, anger, etc etc. In the end with my father, some six months later i was watching a film on telly and it just poured out. I missed him so much.

With regard to being what everyone else needs, sounds to me as though you are just a strong assertive submissive, you still are submissive, you still are strong, they are you, both entities. Try and find some space, some quiet time for you, away from family and having to be the strong one, and allow yourself to feel.

Huggsssssss to you at this time and best wishes

_____________________________

We're never so vulnerable than when we trust someone - but paradoxically, if we cannot trust, neither can we find love or joy" Walter Anderson

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RE: The Masks We Wear... - 7/20/2005 8:56:30 AM

Mercnbeth

Posts: 11766
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quote:

Some of you may have read my other post about my grandfather passing away very suddenly.

this slave wishes you peace and prays for your comfort during this difficult time. sorry this slave cannot be more helpful as far as the "masks we wear" question--this slave has never been any good at wearing masks--unless it is costume kind!

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RE: The Masks We Wear... - 7/20/2005 3:12:32 PM

sub4hire

Posts: 6775
Joined: 1/1/2004
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quote:

What's up with this, subs? Are there any other subs/slaves out there... who have found themself in a similar situation? What did you do? How did you fight between being the person that your family/friends/coworkers need and the person that your Master/Dom/me needs? How did you deal with the question specifically as it related to the death of a family member or a parent? It's a stressful time in which people are dealing with the immediacy of having a funeral and also the greiving process. Any stories or situations of how you dealt and changed your reactions would be great.

You are both people all of the time. You merely show one side to those who need it..and the other to those who need that side. I have always been the strong one in my family. I remember my brother dying like it was yesterday. I was ten year's old. I planned his funeral back then. I remember the conversations of how I would follow his footsteps...etc.

It doesn't mean I wanted to be put in that position. We never do. Although we are. I've also found family doesn't equate to much. Do we really connect with our family on a day to day basis? Or do we connect with those who are really dear to our hearts? Our friends.
In the 6.5 year's Doug and I have been together we have lost my mother and his father. Also an Uncle of his.
My mother was not quite a shock but she went fast once she started going. She had a week. We stood together when it came to her. She saw us together the last time she was coherant. We were the last family faces she saw.
When it came to his father. He was sick for 6 month's prior. We stood together again. I said at the beginning of the sickness if we could live it out we would be a stronger couple when it was over. That did ring true.
Doing it alone is hard. It is doable but nobody wants to be in that situation.

If they don't respond come to us here and chat. Some of us understand what you are going through. We will be here for you. Talk to your dom and tell him you need him.
Be the strong one for your family and when you are with him collapse.

There isn't a lot more that can be said in these trying times. You'll make it through, we've all made it through. It just isn't the happiest time in your life.

Good luck and feel free to vent whenever you need to.

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RE: The Masks We Wear... - 7/20/2005 8:40:11 PM

faithNZ

Posts: 82
Joined: 11/28/2004
From: New Zealand
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So sorry to hear of your loss...it's never easy.

My grandfather died just over a year ago. I didn't cry at the funeral. I don't cry at funerals at all, no matter who it is. I spend time by myself, away from all the hustle and bustle, usually doing one type of work or another. The only time that I cried was 9 months later, after scattering his ashes at a local park. But then again, I can't stand to be at his old place either. It freaks me out and I'm not sure why - he didn't die there - but the only time I spent there was with my immediate family on Christmas day and wasn't at all happy about it (although that could be put down to the car crash I'd been in the evening before

).

We all cope with grief in our own way. Sometimes it's healthy, sometimes, not so much. It's ok to be ok.

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RE: The Masks We Wear... - 7/21/2005 1:47:21 PM

sub4hire

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My sister died 3 years ago on July 1st. Her last request of me was to have a drink to her for being out of this world and out of pain. Also to take her someplace and spread her ashes.

Well, she sits with mom on top of my china hutch at the moment. It was all sort of left in my hands. Mom will be buried with dad when he dies. It just seem's right.

My sister, well I will take her on a trip here sometime soon. Still haven't been able to have that drink yet though. Although I did tell her I would, but it would take me some time.

Someone can die...I can make arrangements and work at the same time. It's just me. If I stay busy I don't crumble.
I understand the no crying thing very well. If you're the strong one and you do everyone crumbles worse than before.

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RE: The Masks We Wear... - 7/23/2005 10:48:17 AM

Niran

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The Masks we Wear can be the same masks that prohibit us from seeing our true selves for what we can be and what we truly are. I was told a long time ago by my youth pastor (when I still considered myself a "devout" Lutheran) that if I ever wanted to truly let someone see me for me, I would have to take off my mask or masks and let them see me naked. Naked in the sense of bearing your true self with no defenses in place and the realization that you have no defenses in place and that the person before you will see you as you and how you never intended yourself to be; not what you've always intend others to see, but the "Real You".
With that being said, if you do reveal yourself to be naked before someone, make sure that the implicit and implied trust of that individual is in place. Lets face while it would be nice to try and trust everyone we meet with no questions asked, too many people in this world take individuals for granted and abuse privilage. So I can now come to my point; your families perception of you will be completely different than YOUR perception of what you believe your families perceptions of you to be. Just think on that one........
As a sub, unless our Dom/Master sees us naked, without our masks, how can we ever truly be a dedicated sub? I never realized how much "clothing" I wore before I stripped myself naked before my dom. It almost made me ill to realize how much I used that "clothing" around me as a shield for "nothing". I say "nothing" because the "nothing" is only our fears and such that we've manifested into our defenses so others can't hurt us.
My condolences to you during this time of loss in your family. Pet E

< Message edited by Niran -- 8/31/2005 1:37:55 PM >

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RE: The Masks We Wear... - 7/24/2005 3:55:12 PM

sultryvoice

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Wearing a mask, in the long run, only hurts us more. I understand that is the way people are to not let others know who they really are. This can be done for many reasons as many have been listed here already. My family sees me as the weakest link in the chain. I am not that but they don't easily change their minds and I am too old to care or bother. I just do and be who I am irreguardless of circumstances.

When I lost my last grandmother, it was the one that hurt me the most. She died at 99 in 1999. Her wish was to make it to the new century but she died 3 weeks before. My bipolar was in a very active stage and not well controlled. I did act oput and had everyone on me like a ton of bricks..I was told I was disrespectful and all the other adjectives. But, that is how it hit me. The sorrow hit me that way..No mask no nothing...just me...My family tore me a new behind for it..but it was the grief of losing her, having to travel to New York when I was going through a stage of agoraphobia, my bipolar acting up and so forth. There wasn't a mask to hide behind.

Today, I am different and I do wear a few different hats. So the masks have made a comeback but I try to keep them off as much as possible.
I hope all this made some sense not just idle rambling. I can do that too...lol!!

I am so sorry for your loss. I know it hurst but we all do what we can to cope with different situations. We just have to work what is best for ourselves. Be sure to take care of yourself..remember, you are all you have...

Respectfully,
sultry

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