Allowing your sub to play with others

Collarspace Discussion Forums

Home Login Search

Allowing your sub to play with others

View related threads: (in this forum | in all forums)

Logged in as: Guest

All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> Ask a Master >> Allowing your sub to play with others

Page: [1] 2 next > >>

Login

Message

<< Older Topic Newer Topic >>

Allowing your sub to play with others - 9/22/2007 1:49:13 AM

girlygurl

Posts: 6973
Joined: 8/5/2007
From: in the palms of His hands
Status: offline

When I first began to play with my Sir I was playing with two other men. Eventually He required me to ask His permission prior to playing with them and afterward He had me write up a detailed report sharing what took place. Soooo… there came a time when I decided not to play with anyone else outside my relationship with my Sir. It’s been several months and I’m contemplating the idea of playing with another within the lifestyle (the other two were not). I thought if I asked my Sir if I could play with another Dom that would respect His rules, and undertood safe, sane, and consensual play He would agree to my request.

He has said no to my request and states that He doesn’t want me to seek a “playmate” for the wrong reasons. Wrong reasons? ummmm I’m lonely? I’m in love with Him and He does not share the same feelings? I don’t want to focus solely on Him because it hurts too much? He’s not monogamous so why should I be? Oh, and the obvious… I like to play!!!!

My question to you is…. If you allowed your submissive to play in the past, why wouldn’t you allow her/him to play now?

Thank you

_____________________________

i see You

happily forever one

Post #: 1

RE: Allowing your sub to play with others - 9/22/2007 1:53:42 AM

iammachine

Posts: 1549
Joined: 1/25/2006
Status: offline

Sounds like you have some communicating to do. :)

_____________________________

I still hear you scream... in every breath, every single motion

(in reply to girlygurl)

Post #: 2

RE: Allowing your sub to play with others - 9/22/2007 2:17:52 AM

Totalmaster4you

Posts: 1359
Joined: 6/19/2006
Status: offline

Greetings girlygirl,
I'm seeing compatibility issues. you shouldn't be lonely without a plan to get it right for you.
TM4Y

_____________________________

Sometime ago I decided it was time to change my nic. However I didn't wish to disconnect from my original profile. Since then I've signed Touch your mind (TYM or Tym). Opinions in my posts should be taken as my opinion and my opinion only.

(in reply to girlygurl)

Post #: 3

RE: Allowing your sub to play with others - 9/22/2007 2:19:18 AM

YourhandMyAss

Posts: 5516
Joined: 6/25/2006
From: Sacramento
Status: offline

you seem like an obvious mismatch, first so I question why stay with someone who seems like such a mis match. Second of all James has always been reluctant to let me play, but he'd say no if he didn't trust their motives.

Like for example someone asking me to go to power exchange whom I didn't know and had just met the week before. all though technically he didn't say no he said he didn't like the idea, and I told the man no myself.

(in reply to iammachine)

Post #: 4

RE: Allowing your sub to play with others - 9/22/2007 2:23:37 AM

girlygurl

Posts: 6973
Joined: 8/5/2007
From: in the palms of His hands
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: YourhandMyAss

you seem like an obvious mismatch,

Why do you think we're a mismatch?

_____________________________

i see You

happily forever one

(in reply to YourhandMyAss)

Post #: 5

RE: Allowing your sub to play with others - 9/22/2007 2:29:53 AM

YourhandMyAss

Posts: 5516
Joined: 6/25/2006
From: Sacramento
Status: offline

Maybe mis match isn't a good word, but you do not seem happy with the fact you love him and he don't return it. You're lonely, which can happen even in a relationship, I get lonely too, But shouldn't he be trying to see to it even a little bit that you're not lonley? I don't get the impression he is, maybe I am wrong.

(in reply to girlygurl)

Post #: 6

RE: Allowing your sub to play with others - 9/22/2007 2:41:30 AM

girlygurl

Posts: 6973
Joined: 8/5/2007
From: in the palms of His hands
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: YourhandMyAss

Maybe mis match isn't a good word, but you do not seem happy with the fact you love him and he don't return it. You're lonely, which can happen even in a relationship, I get lonely too, But shouldn't he be trying to see to it even a little bit that you're not lonley? I don't get the impression he is, maybe I am wrong.

Thanks for the clarification. He does the best He can do with regard to my "lonliness" We have our individual family commitments and we both respect and understand those commitments. *smiling* ummm you're right! It does suck that He isn't in love with me. LOL but that does not make me love Him any less... it's just sometimes painful but He's always been upfront with His feelings, so there's no misconception. I know He cares for me very much, and for that I am thankful.

BTW... just in case anyone has the thought..... No, I'm not settling for something less than I want.

_____________________________

i see You

happily forever one

(in reply to YourhandMyAss)

Post #: 7

RE: Allowing your sub to play with others - 9/22/2007 2:48:41 AM

eyesopened

Posts: 2798
Joined: 6/12/2006
From: Tampa, FL
Status: offline

The ones you were playing with came before your Sir. They were established playmates and He accepted you under those conditions. He may be uncomfortable with your non-monogomy when it comes to new and/or additional play partners. Like you, i have a hard time understanding the double standard on monogomy... but i see it all the time. Poly is often interpreted as the Dominant one gets many partners and the submissive one doesn't. Which is not what poly really is.

If there was no promise of exclusivity then it should not be an issue. i recommend reading The Ethical Slut. Just tell your Sir the truth about how you feel, what you need in a kind way. It is not up to you to decide how much truth He can handle.

_____________________________

Proudly owned by InkedMaster. He is the one i obey, serve, honor and love.

No one is honored for what they've received. Honor is the reward for what has been given.

(in reply to girlygurl)

Post #: 8

RE: Allowing your sub to play with others - 9/22/2007 2:59:16 AM

girlygurl

Posts: 6973
Joined: 8/5/2007
From: in the palms of His hands
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: eyesopened

The ones you were playing with came before your Sir. They were established playmates and He accepted you under those conditions. He may be uncomfortable with your non-monogomy when it comes to new and/or additional play partners. Like you, i have a hard time understanding the double standard on monogomy... but i see it all the time. Poly is often interpreted as the Dominant one gets many partners and the submissive one doesn't. Which is not what poly really is.

If there was no promise of exclusivity then it should not be an issue. i recommend reading The Ethical Slut. Just tell your Sir the truth about how you feel, what you need in a kind way. It is not up to you to decide how much truth He can handle.

Thank you eyesopened! You hit the nail on the head about everything... what's up with the "double standards" anyway?

I honor His wishes and stay only His... but if/when He allows me to play with another... I have no doubts............... THIS submissive will NOT allow emotion to play any part in future playmates... Jeesh! I only signed up for the fun playtime when I met Him, and look what happened!

_____________________________

i see You

happily forever one

(in reply to eyesopened)

Post #: 9

RE: Allowing your sub to play with others - 9/22/2007 3:02:29 AM

mons

Posts: 2400
Joined: 11/16/2005
Status: offline

greetings

i wonder and think often of the poly part of bdsm and for me i share nothing. i find it also dangerous to have so many people. i was in the drugstore and thy had a pamlet one std i do not want to insult anyone but has everyone been test for all kinds of things i asked this becasue when i had open the pamlet it was so large and it had disease i never heard of and i was in shock, this goes for anyone who has many people coming and sharing one another. has this been addressed? when i meet someone and they say they are into many partners i turn and walk away. i am being to cautusois and to picky ? it just when i read this i thought lord have mercy not only aids but wow it was too much. i meant a wonderful guy but he was so bent on having a man any man to come and have sex with me and he would be there to well clean up it just turn me off. so i would like how does many of you feel on this subject new and many partners and the chance of STD'S

mons

(in reply to eyesopened)

Post #: 10

RE: Allowing your sub to play with others - 9/22/2007 5:08:23 AM

chellekitty

Posts: 3923
Joined: 3/27/2005
Status: offline

fast reply...

i am not sure the word mis-match is what i would have used, though it certainly popped into my head....miscommunication certainly applies at this point....if it is a deal breaker (relationship ender) for you to have to be monogamous while he is non-monagomous...you have to tell him...but you have to approach him in an approriate manner...usually in a power exchange relationship this would be under the title of "negotiations"....i actually don't think that monogamomy and nonmongomy are in question...it seems more like fidelity and infidelity, because you are talking about having playmates not partners...and infidelity is such an icky word...i prefer to use the words open vs closed relationships and they can apply to monogamous or polyamorous relationships...

oh and my recomendation....communication communication communication....ask for a tiime and place where you can sit down and talk as equals to either renegotiate or clarify some things

< Message edited by chellekitty -- 9/22/2007 5:09:32 AM >

_____________________________

One thing I know: the only ones among you who will be really happy are those who will have sought and found how to serve. ~Albert Schweitzer

(in reply to mons)

Post #: 11

RE: Allowing your sub to play with others - 9/22/2007 5:16:58 AM

SirCache

Posts: 159
Joined: 3/26/2005
Status: offline

Definitely time to communicate. Could he be really attached to you and fear losing you to someone else? He may not admit to it right away, but there has to be a reason that he was okay with things before, but no longer feels secure with you enough to explain his reasons.

(in reply to girlygurl)

Post #: 12

RE: Allowing your sub to play with others - 9/22/2007 6:47:56 AM

RRafe

Posts: 2060
Joined: 8/29/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: girlygurl

When I first began to play with my Sir I was playing with two other men. Eventually He required me to ask His permission prior to playing with them and afterward He had me write up a detailed report sharing what took place. Soooo… there came a time when I decided not to play with anyone else outside my relationship with my Sir. It’s been several months and I’m contemplating the idea of playing with another within the lifestyle (the other two were not). I thought if I asked my Sir if I could play with another Dom that would respect His rules, and undertood safe, sane, and consensual play He would agree to my request.

He has said no to my request and states that He doesn’t want me to seek a “playmate” for the wrong reasons. Wrong reasons? ummmm I’m lonely? I’m in love with Him and He does not share the same feelings? I don’t want to focus solely on Him because it hurts too much? He’s not monogamous so why should I be? Oh, and the obvious… I like to play!!!!

My question to you is…. If you allowed your submissive to play in the past, why wouldn’t you allow her/him to play now?

Thank you

Because they wanted to play with fucktards I disliked. It was never a problem if I thought the people were cool.

_____________________________

I seem to be some wierd combination of Ren and Stimpy

(in reply to girlygurl)

Post #: 13

RE: Allowing your sub to play with others - 9/22/2007 7:05:43 AM

MrDiscipline44

Posts: 1776
Joined: 1/5/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: girlygurl
THIS submissive will NOT allow emotion to play any part in future playmates

Does he knows this? Are you sure he knows this or are you just assuming he knows this? More importantly, does he believe this.

quote:

I only signed up for the fun playtime when I met Him, and look what happened!

And this maybe why he would not believe the first statement I quoted from you. He maybe afraid of losing something holds very close.

_____________________________

If you love somebody, you have to be willing to break them.

Those who can, do. Those who can't, teach.

Have you slapped your slave today?

(in reply to girlygurl)

Post #: 14

RE: Allowing your sub to play with others - 9/22/2007 8:16:57 AM

junecleaver

Posts: 1145
Joined: 4/6/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: girlygurl

When I first began to play with my Sir I was playing with two other men. Eventually He required me to ask His permission prior to playing with them and afterward He had me write up a detailed report sharing what took place. Soooo… there came a time when I decided not to play with anyone else outside my relationship with my Sir. It’s been several months and I’m contemplating the idea of playing with another within the lifestyle (the other two were not). I thought if I asked my Sir if I could play with another Dom that would respect His rules, and undertood safe, sane, and consensual play He would agree to my request.

He has said no to my request and states that He doesn’t want me to seek a “playmate” for the wrong reasons. Wrong reasons? ummmm I’m lonely? I’m in love with Him and He does not share the same feelings? I don’t want to focus solely on Him because it hurts too much? He’s not monogamous so why should I be? Oh, and the obvious… I like to play!!!!

My question to you is…. If you allowed your submissive to play in the past, why wouldn’t you allow her/him to play now?

Thank you

Well, he could just change his mind for no real reason at all.

I couldn't be in a relationship where feelings were not reciprocal and there wasn't a possibility of my love being returned. I have tried before because I was so enamoured by the man, but it was toxic and harmful to me so I had to get out.

Maybe he wants you to focus solely on him without giving you the security (love, attention, reassurance, whatever etc etc) that you need to do that?

I don't know sounds like a sucky situation and I wish you well. :)

_____________________________

"No one will ever win the battle of the sexes; there's too much fraternizing with the enemy. "
--Henry A. Kissinger

(in reply to girlygurl)

Post #: 15

RE: Allowing your sub to play with others - 9/22/2007 8:37:35 AM

nyrisa

Posts: 1830
Joined: 11/20/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: girlygurl

When I first began to play with my Sir I was playing with two other men. Eventually He required me to ask His permission prior to playing with them and afterward He had me write up a detailed report sharing what took place.

Soooo… there came a time when I decided not to play with anyone else outside my relationship with my Sir.

It’s been several months and I’m contemplating the idea of playing with another within the lifestyle (the other two were not). I thought if I asked my Sir if I could play with another Dom that would respect His rules, and undertood safe, sane, and consensual play He would agree to my request.

It looks like he gradually took control of the outside relationships you already had, and then waited for them to fizzle out. At that point, he owned your sexuality entirely (to his thinking, I guess, although I am not clear what exactly was negotiated initially between you.) This seems to suit him very well.

Now, you would like to begin play with others, and this time, with Doms, not vanilla. Sounds like competition on his turf, I think. So, having taken control of your sexuality, he says No. After all, no fun for him in having you play, and there is a real risk that you might click with someone who DOES want a full relationship. It sounds as though he has the suspicion that he is not Mr. Right for you, but only Mr. Right Now.

As it stands now, he has just what he wants, and there is no motivation for him to allow things to change. Kind of, having the cake and eating it too, since he is not monogamous but he wants you to be. Only you can decide what is the best course for you. As others have said, discussing your needs and objectively evaluating what is reasonable in this situation and what is not, will be necessary.

Best of luck to you in your decisions.

< Message edited by nyrisa -- 9/22/2007 8:38:07 AM >

_____________________________

A true lady takes off her dignity with her clothes and does her whorish best. At other times you can be as modest and dignified as your persona requires. Robert Heinlein

The last thing I want to do is hurt you...but it is still on my list.

(in reply to girlygurl)

Post #: 16

RE: Allowing your sub to play with others - 9/22/2007 10:20:06 AM

LuckyAlbatross

Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline

Ds stands for double standards.

The real issue here is that the two of you did not discuss on what grounds he would choose to give permission to play or not. Now he's come up with some grounds that you find "unfair."

I agree- to say he MAY give permission and then to later NEVER give permission is just a copout. He needs to set clear standards on which you can expect to be given permission to play with others and which you will not be given permission. If he wants to be arbitrary, that's fine, but he needs to state that up front as well.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to nyrisa)

Post #: 17

RE: Allowing your sub to play with others - 9/22/2007 1:13:19 PM

Focus50

Posts: 3962
Joined: 12/28/2004
From: Newcastle, Australia
Status: offline

Personally, I think you need to reassess why you're even in a relationship with your Sir.

You love him but it's not reciprocated? And you're lonely? That itself sounds like a whole bunch of the wrong pain!

You love to play - does going outside the relationship mean Sir doesn't wanna play so much, either?

Frankly, it sounds more like you're seeking closeness and intimacy etc you're not getting from Sir but you want him there as a safety net - while you seek something better?

And him - he doesn't want you to play with others but there seems a lack of committment to you, at least that seems how you feel....

This is terribly complicated and messy, IMO. Most common reason people go outside their relationship is because there's needs that aren't being satisfied at home. Seems to me you're clearly not happy in the current relationship - that's what you need to address rather than making it about playing with others and the permission of doing so.

Focus.

(in reply to girlygurl)

Post #: 18

RE: Allowing your sub to play with others - 9/22/2007 5:21:27 PM

yuyu777

Posts: 30
Joined: 6/2/2007
Status: offline

you have only been with him for several months, talk to him and give your relationship time to grow.
if it hurts too much, you definitely need to solve the problem. If he cares enough for you, he will listen and he will show that care. if he doesnt, then you know what you should do.
But I cant see you play with others can solve your problem

< Message edited by yuyu777 -- 9/22/2007 5:24:47 PM >

(in reply to girlygurl)

Post #: 19

RE: Allowing your sub to play with others - 9/22/2007 6:15:00 PM

YourhandMyAss

Posts: 5516
Joined: 6/25/2006
From: Sacramento
Status: offline

While it will not solve the problem, playing with others if you like to is fun, it's entertaining, it gets some needs met. It's also pychical attention which may alliviate some of the lonely ness.

quote:

ORIGINAL: yuyu777

But I cant see you play with others can solve your problem

(in reply to yuyu777)

Post #: 20

Page: [1] 2 next > >>

All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> Ask a Master >> Allowing your sub to play with others

Page: [1] 2 next > >>

Jump to:

New Messages	No New Messages
Hot Topic w/ New Messages	Hot Topic w/o New Messages
Locked w/ New Messages	Locked w/o New Messages

Post New Thread

Reply to Message

Post New Poll

Submit Vote

Delete My Own Post

Delete My Own Thread

Rate Posts

Collarchat.com © 2025

Terms of Service

0.109