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Absolutely furious and won't tell me why? - 9/23/2007 1:19:39 AM   
deliciousmorsel


Posts: 153
Joined: 9/22/2007
Status: offline 		The Dom in question is someone with a wife/slave 24 hr PE relationship; he's played with me and been something of a mentor. They both play with others and instruct, which is a fine thing of them to do.He's also been out of town for months, so being unowned and not getting my needs met I've been looking. Which I should be doing anyway.
He's absolutely furious at me, enough to tell the ruling clique at the local club to shun me like I have the plague. All I can get out of him is that it's something I wrote in an e mail, but I have no clue what could have offended the man so much. That I was looking? These e mails came from his girl, by the way, so I sent girl talk replies.

I did tell his girl a funny on him about me the sub wanting some black thigh high boots and how upset he got- but aren't men of experienced years supposed to know about Shoe Girls and not to argue? And I did finally let on that the Chanel version was $1800 so by buying BDSM I could afford them and if it was such a big deal I'd just wear them to restaurants and nightclubs and never to the dungeon. Y'all may call me girl- but the vanilla world calls me well dressed woman. And there other Doms of my acquaintance who think I'd look really hot tied up in a red version of same boots. (note to self- get the red ones too!)
"Domme" boots are being shown all over the fashion world. They fun, and they keep your legs warm. Every body has their toys.

I think this is a silly reason to snub someone- then trash her to a whole club. I've apologized repeatedly and very seriously, because even if I don't get it I would never hurt this mans feelings on purpose. I feel horrible about it, my feelings are hurt, but there doesn't seem to be any way of communicating with him. And the trash talking is absolutely uncalled for! I'm no gossip, and don't care for it about me.
How is this best handled in a small world in a small town? Ignore him? Catch him by the eye in a narrow hallway in the dungeon and ask him why he's so angry? They'll be back here for the winter in a week or two and it could be uncomfortable.

< Message edited by deliciousmorsel -- 9/23/2007 1:22:17 AM >
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: Absolutely furious and won't tell me why? - 9/23/2007 1:42:35 AM   
hisannabelle


Posts: 1992
Joined: 12/3/2006
From: Tallahassee, FL, USA
Status: offline 		greetings deliciousmorsel,

you should not be apologizing without him explaining exactly what is wrong here. there's no reason, unless he has collared you or you have an agreement not to look, for him to be upset about it (at least reasonably so). on top of that, explain to him that you do not appreciate his trashing your reputation with the local community without knowing why. perhaps it would be best for you to avoid said community for the moment...the local community is not the be all end all (although it is nice). i would write a letter or email to HIM, not her, explaining exactly why you are confused and asking for clarification on why he is reacting to you like this. it would probably be best to mention that you want to clarify whether or not he considers your relationship with him to be exclusive, and if not, why it is a problem that you are looking.

on top of that, anyone who decides your reputation based on what kind of shoes you wear is really not worth the time, to be honest.

respectfully,
annabelle.

< Message edited by hisannabelle -- 9/23/2007 1:43:04 AM >

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(in reply to deliciousmorsel)
Profile   Post #: 2
RE: Absolutely furious and won't tell me why? - 9/23/2007 6:33:14 AM   
SirCache


Posts: 159
Joined: 3/26/2005
Status: offline 		First of all, if he's angry at you it is incumbant upon him to tell you exactly what he's angry about.  Telling you 'It was in email awhile ago' is a coward's way out--he should have said something back then, back when he received the offending email.

If he's whining about the shoes--something you could afford and bought with your own money while he was months out of town--then he was never worth your time or trouble.  If he's trashing you to others, don't stoop to his level.  People like him eventually come out for the kinds of babies they are.  DO, however, speak to the club owner and explain yourself so that they are aware there may be some friction there--they can more appropriately ensure that you and he are not in close proximity if he's really this petty and childish.

(in reply to deliciousmorsel)
Profile   Post #: 3
RE: Absolutely furious and won't tell me why? - 9/23/2007 6:40:12 AM   
AquaticSub


Posts: 14867
Joined: 12/27/2005
Status: offline 		~Fast Reply~

He doesn't own you and therefore has no right to try and control your shoe collection or if you are looking.

That said, I am owned and thigh-high boots are my weakness. I have several pairs and I have yet to have anyone comment that I look "unsubmissive" while wearing them. I worried about it once and then starting wearing them to events where I got a lot of compliements.

_____________________________

Without my dominance you cannot submit. Without your submission I cannot dominate. You are my equal in this, though our roles are different.-Val

It was ok for him to beat me but then he tried to cuddle me! - Me

Member:Clan of the Scarlet O'Hair

(in reply to SirCache)
Profile   Post #: 4
RE: Absolutely furious and won't tell me why? - 9/23/2007 6:44:42 AM   
feastie


Posts: 1793
Joined: 6/4/2004
Status: offline 		deliciousmorsel,

He's in the wrong.  He should be perfectly honest with you about whatever his problem is.  He should also not be trashing you to anyone else, ever.  Obviously, he's trying to prevent you from finding someone else by placing that roadblock.

All in all, from the brief info you've provided, I'd say he's an asshat, dump him and move right along. 

_____________________________

Snarky and loving it.

Disclaimer: Any views expressed in any post are my opinions only. They may or may not be yours.

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RE: Absolutely furious and won't tell me why? - 9/23/2007 7:45:25 AM   
ehlovindom


Posts: 248
Joined: 1/23/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: deliciousmorsel

The Dom in question is someone with a wife/slave 24 hr PE relationship; he's played with me and been something of a mentor. They both play with others and instruct, which is a fine thing of them to do.He's also been out of town for months, so being unowned and not getting my needs met I've been looking. Which I should be doing anyway.
He's absolutely furious at me, enough to tell the ruling clique at the local club to shun me like I have the plague. All I can get out of him is that it's something I wrote in an e mail, but I have no clue what could have offended the man so much. That I was looking? These e mails came from his girl, by the way, so I sent girl talk replies.

I did tell his girl a funny on him about me the sub wanting some black thigh high boots and how upset he got- but aren't men of experienced years supposed to know about Shoe Girls and not to argue? And I did finally let on that the Chanel version was $1800 so by buying BDSM I could afford them and if it was such a big deal I'd just wear them to restaurants and nightclubs and never to the dungeon. Y'all may call me girl- but the vanilla world calls me well dressed woman. And there other Doms of my acquaintance who think I'd look really hot tied up in a red version of same boots. (note to self- get the red ones too!)
"Domme" boots are being shown all over the fashion world. They fun, and they keep your legs warm. Every body has their toys.

I think this is a silly reason to snub someone- then trash her to a whole club. I've apologized repeatedly and very seriously, because even if I don't get it I would never hurt this mans feelings on purpose. I feel horrible about it, my feelings are hurt, but there doesn't seem to be any way of communicating with him. And the trash talking is absolutely uncalled for! I'm no gossip, and don't care for it about me.
How is this best handled in a small world in a small town? Ignore him? Catch him by the eye in a narrow hallway in the dungeon and ask him why he's so angry? They'll be back here for the winter in a week or two and it could be uncomfortable.


Wow, so he is upset that you might actually be looking for someone to spend time with and have a long-lasting on-going relationship.
Double wow that he didn't like the boots you bought and has specific ideas of how a submissive should dress.
Triple wow that he goes and trashes your name to the community.
WOW, he doesn't even tell you why he is angry?

I suspect there is more to this story than what you wrote but suffice to say you had best move on and don't have any dealings with this "dom" and his wife and friends anymore. As tough as it is, if his opinion carries so much weight in the local community, there isn't much you can do except hold your head up high, and carry on by yourself. Over time, you will make new friends in the community and will have the opportunity to meet a grown-up Dom.

And if you are feeling a bit depressed, buy the red boots! (Feel free to send pics of them!)


_____________________________

Know which bridge to build, which one to cross, and which one to burn!

(in reply to deliciousmorsel)
Profile   Post #: 6
RE: Absolutely furious and won't tell me why? - 9/23/2007 8:13:22 AM   
ProlificNeeds


Posts: 1061
Joined: 5/19/2007
Status: offline 		Get the boots, get rid of him, and as for the trash talking, unless you wanna play tit-for-tat which solves nothing, you'll generally have to ignore it and through action prove you are the more responsible party. If an entire club of people want to snub you on the word of one man and no evidence, then I doubt you'd find anything but problems associating with those people anyway. Otherwise, let time and action prove there's nothing untoward happening from your end, and hopefully people will realize it's just smoke.

(in reply to ehlovindom)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: Absolutely furious and won't tell me why? - 9/23/2007 9:00:20 AM   
MissMorrigan


Posts: 2309
Joined: 1/15/2005
Status: offline 		All this is conjecture on your part. What you have told us is that this man, to whom you remain uncollared, is upset with you and you are unsure as to what has caused this upset. Based on that, there is just one solution - find out directly from him what has caused such upset and, if you are unable to do so, ensure in future that people with whom you engage work with you at maintaining a high degree of communication.

The problem with becoming a complainant and taking a gripe to public boards is that the complainant's story is, more often than not, heavily biased and people's advice, while well-intentioned, tends to just validate the complainant in feeling justified for lashing out publicly when they have been unable to settle the matter privately - rather not dissimilar to having one's name blackened in a club-type environment.

(in reply to deliciousmorsel)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: Absolutely furious and won't tell me why? - 9/23/2007 11:03:42 AM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline 		Anyone who HAS a clique who behaves in such a way and changes their feelings towards one person so quickly is automatically someone you really don't want to try and form a long term relationship with- sorry you didn't figure this out until now.  A lot of newbies unfortunately have that problem, you get a dom who actually IS smart and knowledgeable about what they do, who actually DOES have a lot of friends in the scene, and he still ends up being an asshole.

Usually he's either the rock star type dom who never has a relationship last more than 6 months with constantly rotating groups of friends who need to fawn on him all the time, or he's the "mentor type" who forms a specific clique to fawn on him regularly and becomes one of those "Well known and respected doms in the scene."

Unfortunately, if you don't respect him the way he expects you to, then it's just tough luck for your little ass.

Tell him straight up if he won't communicate with you, then you can't work together to solve the issue.  Then drop it and find some stable mature people to befriend (a very difficult, but still possible thing to do in the scene). 

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to MissMorrigan)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: Absolutely furious and won't tell me why? - 9/23/2007 2:03:48 PM   
windchymes


Posts: 9410
Joined: 4/18/2005
Status: offline 		It's because his wife hasn't given him a moment's peace since finding out YOU have $1800 thigh-high boots and SHE wants a pair, too!

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You know it's going to be a GOOD blow job when she puts a Breathe Right strip on first.

Pick-up artists and garbage men should trade names.

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Profile   Post #: 10
RE: Absolutely furious and won't tell me why? - 9/23/2007 4:44:56 PM   
slaveluci


Posts: 4294
Joined: 3/2/2007
From: Little Rock, AR
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: deliciousmorsel
He's absolutely furious at me, enough to tell the ruling clique at the local club to shun me like I have the plague

If they are sheep-like enough to actually do such a thing without knowing why, sounds like they have the mentality of a group of pre-schoolers.  I wouldn't care what they thought of me, frankly.
quote:

All I can get out of him is that it's something I wrote in an e mail, but I have no clue what could have offended the man so much

And if he's not mature enough to tell you, sounds as if that's the degree of his mentality as well - childish.
quote:

I think this is a silly reason to snub someone- then trash her to a whole club

I think most reasons to do such things would be "silly."  If he's not man enough to come to you, tell you specifically what you did to anger him, and either try to get past it or tell you it's over, I wouldn't waste any more time on him or his cliquish syncophants.  "Trashing" you to a whole club is about the worst thing he could do, in my opinion.  Too bad the others there aren't intelligent enough to recognize the character flaws that shows in him, not you.  I wouldn't worry about figuring it out.  He's shown his true character and, to me, it leaves much to be desired.  Move on and find someone worth submitting to and spending time with.  This guy sounds like an idiot.................luci

< Message edited by slaveluci -- 9/23/2007 4:45:58 PM >

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RE: Absolutely furious and won't tell me why? - 9/23/2007 4:46:11 PM   
MadRabbit


Posts: 3460
Joined: 8/9/2006
Status: offline 		Telll him to grow up. Someone did that to me once when I was acting somewhat on par with the way he is acting (minus the clique thing....not my cup of tea).

I deserved it.

I, personally, have very little interest in becoming a "part" of a BDSM group for roughly the reasons you have listened here. I am interested in going to groups to make good friendships who are down to earth and not caught up in the unending swarm of drama that constantly plagues any "mature" adult social gathering.

Its not easy to do. I can count the people in the scene that I consider to be friends and not just acquaintances on one hand. However, I prefer quality over quantity and the friendships have been nothing short of wonderful.




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Advice for New Dominants
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Obama is NOT the Messiah! He's just a VERY NAUGHTY BOY

(in reply to deliciousmorsel)
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RE: Absolutely furious and won't tell me why? - 9/23/2007 4:57:45 PM   
BlackKnight


Posts: 767
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline 		I don't wanna grow up!::::::throws tempertantrum:::::::

_____________________________

'Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it.'
Life of Reason, Reason in Common Sense, Scribner's, 1905, page 284"
George Santayana

Just because I'm paranoid, doesn't mean they're not out to get me!

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Profile   Post #: 13
RE: Absolutely furious and won't tell me why? - 9/23/2007 7:34:05 PM   
arayofsunshine55


Posts: 545
Joined: 8/1/2004
From: San Francisco, CA
Status: offline 		This business of mentor and plaything can be difficult.  Not clear and clean.   You're not his and want to find someone to whom you can belong.  He may not be as good with that as one might expect in this situation.  And god do I hate small insular groups.  This kinda stuff constantly reinforces my tendency to avoid "community" like the plague.  And if they follow through on his desires, to the dogs with all of them.  

_____________________________

Sunshine

Is it not most transformative, most earthshaking, to pierce the veils of self-deception and illusion, and crack the eggshell of ignorance, to most intimately encounter oneself? Lama Surya Das

(in reply to deliciousmorsel)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: Absolutely furious and won't tell me why? - 9/24/2007 7:48:45 AM   
LadyHugs


Posts: 2299
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline 		Dear deliciousmorsel, Ladies and Gentlemen;
 
There are always two sides of the story per se.  However, being a seasoned Dominant myself; I have a sense of humor and am not so snooty as to think I am beyond some behind the scenes jokes and such.  Unless there is a pattern of behavior, to which leaves no doubt that they are just mean spirited and have evil intentions to ruin someone's reputation on mere personal personality conflicts, especially when never met, materials never exchanged, etc. -- I really do not get upset and or annoyed.  It is certainly no reason to 'black list' a person.
 
Like another person posted--those who have tirades over other people that just rub them the wrong way and not have evidence that is unbias and could hold up under court protocols for evidence and or jurisprudence; are often 'found' out as eventually they will be seen as the insecure one and their need to control others as much as they need to control those around them.   Unfortunately, there are many such individuals about and time takes a slow path however, truth is more than what is said --it is what is unfolding in behavior and words.  Patterns will soon be seen and hopefully open minds will see the fair side of it all.
 
Reputations are built by the individual more than hearsay from others.  Be consistant and be mindful that everything that escapes your internal side--is public information/knowledge and prone to being skewed by those who wish you wrong and or prone to do harm to others.
Those who must attack viciously another person(s) in order to feel secure and or keep their 'statue'--are weak and have the case of sour grapes.
 
Just some thoughts.
 
Respectfully submitted for consideration,
Lady Hugs
 
 
 

(in reply to deliciousmorsel)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: Absolutely furious and won't tell me why? - 1/15/2008 11:42:42 AM   
auroraRSVP


Posts: 2
Joined: 1/18/2007
Status: offline 		There are absolutely two sides to every story! 

This man has NEVER talked about this person in my club. We have better things to talk about than shoes and each other!

I just ran across this post while reading other such nonsense on this forum. Nothing was worthy a response until it came to our club. Discussion of the author of this thread by the one she spoke of was NOT done in my neck of the woods. In fact he was at his other residence several states away!

(in reply to LadyHugs)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: Absolutely furious and won't tell me why? - 1/15/2008 11:54:16 AM   
Stephann


Posts: 4214
Joined: 12/27/2006
From: Portland, OR
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: deliciousmorsel

The Dom in question is someone with a wife/slave 24 hr PE relationship; he's played with me and been something of a mentor. They both play with others and instruct, which is a fine thing of them to do.He's also been out of town for months, so being unowned and not getting my needs met I've been looking. Which I should be doing anyway.
He's absolutely furious at me, enough to tell the ruling clique at the local club to shun me like I have the plague. All I can get out of him is that it's something I wrote in an e mail, but I have no clue what could have offended the man so much. That I was looking? These e mails came from his girl, by the way, so I sent girl talk replies.

I did tell his girl a funny on him about me the sub wanting some black thigh high boots and how upset he got- but aren't men of experienced years supposed to know about Shoe Girls and not to argue? And I did finally let on that the Chanel version was $1800 so by buying BDSM I could afford them and if it was such a big deal I'd just wear them to restaurants and nightclubs and never to the dungeon. Y'all may call me girl- but the vanilla world calls me well dressed woman. And there other Doms of my acquaintance who think I'd look really hot tied up in a red version of same boots. (note to self- get the red ones too!)
"Domme" boots are being shown all over the fashion world. They fun, and they keep your legs warm. Every body has their toys.

I think this is a silly reason to snub someone- then trash her to a whole club. I've apologized repeatedly and very seriously, because even if I don't get it I would never hurt this mans feelings on purpose. I feel horrible about it, my feelings are hurt, but there doesn't seem to be any way of communicating with him. And the trash talking is absolutely uncalled for! I'm no gossip, and don't care for it about me.
How is this best handled in a small world in a small town? Ignore him? Catch him by the eye in a narrow hallway in the dungeon and ask him why he's so angry? They'll be back here for the winter in a week or two and it could be uncomfortable.


I have zero patience for elitists.  It's one thing to say "oh, I had a bad breakup with that girl."  It's another to say "oh, she's a skank, don't play with her."

I'd say blow him off.  Obviously it's not important enough to him to deal with you like a man.  Single submissive women tend to have a lot more clout than attached dominant men, regardless of their pedigree.

Stephan


_____________________________

Nosce Te Ipsum

"The blade itself incites to violence" - Homer

Men: Find a Woman here

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Profile   Post #: 17
RE: Absolutely furious and won't tell me why? - 1/15/2008 12:43:41 PM   
Maya2001


Posts: 1656
Joined: 8/22/2007
From: Woodstock ONT,CANADA
Status: offline 		You are simply making assumptions that this is in regards to boots/money mentioned in an email.   It could possibly be related to your other post possibly and your outing that person publicly as being an abuser.  Unless you ask him specifically what in the email he is referring to all,   you are doing is playing guessing games and you could way off track on his reason for being angry with you.  Then to  make things even worse you are bringing your dirty laundry here to air to make him look like an ass/  This is twice in one month you have publicly  flamed a dom on these boards, maybe it is your own  actions that you need to put under the microscope not every man you with 

as others have stated there are 2 sides to a story, we are only hearing your, right now.    It could turn out like the other story where others come forth and tell their version, which ends up sounding a lot different then what you told.


< Message edited by Maya2001 -- 1/15/2008 12:48:16 PM >

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Profile   Post #: 18
RE: Absolutely furious and won't tell me why? - 1/15/2008 1:15:51 PM   
ISOHOH49


Posts: 28
Joined: 10/20/2007
Status: offline 		When there are more than just you and the Dom this can create a great deal of problem. You never know what the Wife/other sub is during behind the scene. What she is saying to him, or if she even want you in him life. And as for as a Dom not willing to tell you why he is upset and to cause other to be upset with you…what is he 12. As far as the ruling clique at the local club, if I remember correctly from high school the clique is made up of small group of people and not the whole. Why would you want to be part of that. Find others to be.  You have ever right to search for that one who you wish to own you..

Yes, there are to side to every story.   With that said, I can only say do what is right for you.

(in reply to Maya2001)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: Absolutely furious and won't tell me why? - 1/15/2008 1:18:07 PM   
lablancsecret


Posts: 73
Joined: 11/27/2006
Status: offline 		I'm going to second what Maya2001 is saying.

Not that I have a lot of experience with the life style, but having been on these forums for a while, I have to say that I have hardly ever seen someone shitstorming quite so much about Doms, or other play partners. (Not only that, but several people from your play spaces have directly countered what you've said.)

Odds are, that if this sort of thing happens to you so regularly, you are either the problem or you have horrific taste in play partners.


_____________________________

Just remember this: I'm not asking for it, I'm pleading for it.


(in reply to Maya2001)
Profile   Post #: 20
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