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RE: Coping with Anger - 9/24/2007 4:22:48 AM   
Cyntilating


Posts: 581
Joined: 6/19/2007
Status: offline 		Hi AmiciaN
 
   ya, dealing with distance in a relationship is really tough sometimes..  Dealing with one myself right now.
  Reading what you wrote, but taking out the "anger" component > what you write about sounds like it has a solid base that has been built on.  Thats a plus for sure.
 
about the anger
I just posted on a different thread about feelings of insecurities in me ( at a certain time/stage in our relationship) manifested itself in anger.  Anger was a way to push away what was feeling awful.  I wasnt really mad at him..or myself..or us...I just felt something awful ( insecurity & vulnerable) and didnt want to feel that way ( felt like I was being controlled by that emotion  so I pushed).  It was mostly subconsious, and I wouldnt understand why or thats what I was doing, until later.
 
They also say, and I beleive, that  anger is a fear-based emotion.   what lies underneath anger is actually fear of something.
have you considered what you might be fearing?
 
what helps us alot:
>patience with each other and alot of humor.
 
>very open and deep conversations about what is really going on in our lives ( I know  "good communication " is cliche and easy to say and easy to underestimate...easy to forget to do, because "our time" is so precious and sometimes its tempting to only want to talk about the positives and the good stuff).
 
>focusing on what we DO have, rather than on what we may not have right now.  
 
> I have ample things to keep me busy, I work, I meet with other people, groups etc..  many of my assignments, He gives me, have to do with exercising my mind and my creativity......Then I bring those things to our conversation..Both of our lives are full and rich as individuals and so Our talks, therefore, are full and rich and not so focused on " i miss you's and a void"  ( well we try )
 
>  ok laugh if you want..
  we have alot of phone conversations in complete darkness..eyes closed...it can create a different kind of closeness.
hey..dont knock it until youve tried it..
 
> and somebody has to say it so I will >>  write about all your feelings.. journalling for yourself, might help you identify what is at the base of your anger.
 
smiles
   
 
 
 
 

_____________________________

Cyndi

.."There are two ways of spreading light: to be the candle or the mirror that reflects it. " Edith Wharton

(in reply to amiciaN)
Profile   Post #: 21
RE: Coping with Anger - 9/24/2007 9:04:18 AM   
toservez


Posts: 1733
Joined: 9/7/2006
From: All over now in Minnesota
Status: offline 		Your situation is a tough one and my heart goes out to you. In terms of dealing with your anger and other negative emotions from the situation obviously what is best for you is the best solution.

For me personally I find keeping busy or exhausting myself to be on the short term fixes for a long term type problem. For me I find meditation to be very important in keeping a positive energy within myself and will meditate daily and when I feel myself getting swamped in negative emotions.

I do suggest because it is a long term and specific problem that some sort of direct dealing with the issue would first be in order. By this I do not mean relationship specific as I assume both of you know what is best, but doing something that directly deals with the issue before just indulging in misdirection.



_____________________________

I am sorry I do not fit Webster's defintion of a slave but thankfully my Master is not Webster.

"Anything that contradicts experience and logic should be abandoned." - H.H. The 14th Dalai Lama

(in reply to amiciaN)
Profile   Post #: 22
RE: Coping with Anger - 9/24/2007 1:54:18 PM   
Pyrrsefanie


Posts: 1222
Joined: 9/18/2007
From: NEW HAMPSHAAAAAAH!
Status: offline 		The following methods have been declared Tried And True by Pyrrsefanie:

- Scream if you feel like screaming.  Do it into a pillow 'til you're hoarse.
- Take up kickboxing, or, barring that, invest in a punching bag.  Or just beat the crap out of the aforementioned pillow.
- Go to a shooting range.
- Start obsessively reorganizing and cleaning things.  You won't have any energy left to put into being angry.
- Go outside into the backyard and start throwing rocks and sticks at the fence.
- Watch a fighting match of some sort, or an insanely violent action movie.  Cheer at the explosions and gory bits.  It feels gooooooood.  I recommend anything with zombies.
- Purchase a Rabbit.  Make friends with said Rabbit.  And I'm not talking about the cute and fluffy kind.



(in reply to amiciaN)
Profile   Post #: 23
RE: Coping with Anger - 9/24/2007 5:36:54 PM   
amiciaN


Posts: 228
Joined: 1/20/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: rmanrr

Greetings
I know well the frustration...as for keeping busy...weekends are the hardest part...the weekdays fly by quickly enough and sleeping more helps too. now if I could just take a pill in between her visits and Mine...(as long as the bills paid themselves, the contractors did not bail, the house built and sold itself, the company was bought and just deposited cash straight into the bank and, the move went without a hitch and everything packed and unpacked itself and the new home set itself up...) well then give Me the pill and have some made for her too.  I love you sage, My woman.



Hello Jarl Rmanrr--

I had 2 generations of pharmacists in my family... no such pill that I know of so far.  I think the formula for that pill is in the same place as that alchemist's formula for turning lead into gold.  If I find the formula for the pill, I'll let you know. 


_____________________________

NChaka's amicia

I have never been lifted so high as when I kneel at His feet.

(in reply to rmanrr)
Profile   Post #: 24
RE: Coping with Anger - 9/24/2007 5:48:59 PM   
domiguy


Posts: 12952
Joined: 5/2/2006
Status: offline 		I have no idea why anyone would allow themselves to get into this situation in the first place.

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Profile   Post #: 25
RE: Coping with Anger - 9/24/2007 6:07:37 PM   
amiciaN


Posts: 228
Joined: 1/20/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Prinsexx
(snipped for brevity)
Sometimes I think ALL my emotions are merely just emotional luxury......

Prinsexx



I can understand this to a point, hence my opening... part rant, part lament, all an emotional vent.  The other side of the coin is that if our emotions are only a luxury, why do they have the power to override our human instincts, even ones so basic as self-preservation?  I don't think all emotions are luxuries, but wallowing in a pool of self-pity without trying to get out of it is one emotional luxury I didn't want to take.  Hence my request for suggestions to keep myself from falling into that pool.  I can swim just fine, but that 'water' looks yucky.

Thank you for the suggestions... I substituted throwing a few 'science projects' from the back of the fridge into the trash can for the glass bottles into the yard though.  Master spent hours working my poor neglected garden when He was here and I just can't bring myself to throw something into it.  By clearing out the refrigerator and setting the trash can a couple of feet away, I got the same satisfaction of 'tossing' something useless and was cleaning up a mess rather than making one. 


_____________________________

NChaka's amicia

I have never been lifted so high as when I kneel at His feet.

(in reply to Prinsexx)
Profile   Post #: 26
RE: Coping with Anger - 9/24/2007 6:55:36 PM   
amiciaN


Posts: 228
Joined: 1/20/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: domiguy

I have no idea why anyone would allow themselves to get into this situation in the first place.



Thanks domiguy, I knew you wouldn't let me down.  Your stance on long distance relationships is hereby duly noted and promptly disregarded.  For you, distance is a hard limit.  When I first met NChaka, it was for me too.  When I looked at the Man He is though, that limit became foolish.  Yes, we both make sacrifices now, but we both believe the rewards, including financial ones, will last a pair of lifetimes.  You want your relationship like fast food.... now.  We are willing to go a little further and wait a little longer for a slow-cooked elegant dinner and bottle of wine we can linger over.  Fortunately, there are hundreds of different kinds of dining establishments and we are all free to find the ones most suited to our tastes and needs.  Your taste simply varies from mine.   Bon appétit!



_____________________________

NChaka's amicia

I have never been lifted so high as when I kneel at His feet.

(in reply to domiguy)
Profile   Post #: 27
RE: Coping with Anger - 9/24/2007 7:16:30 PM   
amiciaN


Posts: 228
Joined: 1/20/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: toservez

Your situation is a tough one and my heart goes out to you. In terms of dealing with your anger and other negative emotions from the situation obviously what is best for you is the best solution.

For me personally I find keeping busy or exhausting myself to be on the short term fixes for a long term type problem. For me I find meditation to be very important in keeping a positive energy within myself and will meditate daily and when I feel myself getting swamped in negative emotions.

I do suggest because it is a long term and specific problem that some sort of direct dealing with the issue would first be in order. By this I do not mean relationship specific as I assume both of you know what is best, but doing something that directly deals with the issue before just indulging in misdirection.



 Thank you for the reminder about meditation.  'Centering' has always been a crucial element of my spiritual life and I have let that become a casuality of my frustration, rather than part of the cure that it should be.

The anger is not a long-term problem, at least not yet.  I guess that was the whole idea behind the post... to get suggestions and learn to cope better so it doesn't become one.  If the reminders and suggestions I've gotten here don't resolve the issue, then it will probably be time to get professional help.  For now, the anger is not constant nor long-term, in fact I think it's my lack of experience in dealing with it that is making it so hard for me to cope.  The exchanges here have certainly helped with this bout and so have the words of encouragement.  Heck, I'm 47... I could just be pre-menopausal.  Maybe I should look for that professional help at my doctor's office before I go searching for a therapist. 

Thanks for taking the time to post, toservez.  You gave me a timely reminder. 


_____________________________

NChaka's amicia

I have never been lifted so high as when I kneel at His feet.

(in reply to toservez)
Profile   Post #: 28
RE: Coping with Anger - 9/24/2007 7:23:08 PM   
amiciaN


Posts: 228
Joined: 1/20/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Pyrrsefanie

The following methods have been declared Tried And True by Pyrrsefanie:

- Scream if you feel like screaming.  Do it into a pillow 'til you're hoarse.
- Take up kickboxing, or, barring that, invest in a punching bag.  Or just beat the crap out of the aforementioned pillow.
- Go to a shooting range.
- Start obsessively reorganizing and cleaning things.  You won't have any energy left to put into being angry.
- Go outside into the backyard and start throwing rocks and sticks at the fence.
- Watch a fighting match of some sort, or an insanely violent action movie.  Cheer at the explosions and gory bits.  It feels gooooooood.  I recommend anything with zombies.
- Purchase a Rabbit.  Make friends with said Rabbit.  And I'm not talking about the cute and fluffy kind.





Thank you Pyrrsefanie!    A nice mix of solid advice and a giggle or two... (ok... forgive me.... I have to do it....)  a Pyrrfect respone.

NChaka's amicia , who is hiding now   

I have never been lifted so high as when I kneel at His feet.

(in reply to Pyrrsefanie)
Profile   Post #: 29
RE: Coping with Anger - 9/24/2007 7:52:03 PM   
domiguy


Posts: 12952
Joined: 5/2/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: amiciaN

quote:

ORIGINAL: domiguy

I have no idea why anyone would allow themselves to get into this situation in the first place.



Thanks domiguy, I knew you wouldn't let me down.  Your stance on long distance relationships is hereby duly noted and promptly disregarded.  For you, distance is a hard limit.  When I first met NChaka, it was for me too.  When I looked at the Man He is though, that limit became foolish.  Yes, we both make sacrifices now, but we both believe the rewards, including financial ones, will last a pair of lifetimes.  You want your relationship like fast food.... now.  We are willing to go a little further and wait a little longer for a slow-cooked elegant dinner and bottle of wine we can linger over.  Fortunately, there are hundreds of different kinds of dining establishments and we are all free to find the ones most suited to our tastes and needs.  Your taste simply varies from mine.   Bon appétit!


No actually our tastes might be very similar...I choose not to settle and by not settling means that not everyone will do....However, I have afforded myself the luxury of having her attentions regardless of whether we are eating some chicken from Popeye's or enjoying a romantic candlelit dinner over a bottle of wine...

I took the liberty of installing your data into the "Domiguy Soul Mate O' Meter" do you realize that there are thousands of NChaka's that live in your vacinity? You made your choices now deal with them....Also you might want to revise your profile.."I have been collared by NChaka for over a year and have never been so happy and fulfilled". ....It doesn't seem to quite fit your current emotional state.

_____________________________



(in reply to amiciaN)
Profile   Post #: 30
RE: Coping with Anger - 9/24/2007 8:55:03 PM   
amiciaN


Posts: 228
Joined: 1/20/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: domiguy

No actually our tastes might be very similar...I choose not to settle and by not settling means that not everyone will do....However, I have afforded myself the luxury of having her attentions regardless of whether we are eating some chicken from Popeye's or enjoying a romantic candlelit dinner over a bottle of wine...

I took the liberty of installing your data into the "Domiguy Soul Mate O' Meter" do you realize that there are thousands of NChaka's that live in your vacinity? You made your choices now deal with them....Also you might want to revise your profile.."I have been collared by NChaka for over a year and have never been so happy and fulfilled". ....It doesn't seem to quite fit your current emotional state.


You're right of course, domiguy, I do need to revise my profile.  It will be 2 years in a couple of weeks.  The overall happiness and fulfillment I find in this relationship is nowhere near fragile enough for any transitory emotion like frustration or anger to be able to truly harm it.  As for the rest of your post, I was 2 years into the process of weeding through your theoretical thousands (though the most I ever saw at one time was about 7 or 8 after driving 2 hours to get there, and not all of them impressed me as actually being Dominants). I had not found anyone remotely compatible when I realized that NChaka was ideal in every way except location.  You say I settled; I know damn well I did not.  I was however smart enough not to settle for someone less suited to me just because he was closer.  Also, not once in my post did I ever say or imply that I am unwilling to deal with this.  Quite the contrary, domiguy.  My post was my sincere attempt to learn how to deal with this single, and reletively new, emotional aspect better.  I've gotten some suggestions and reminders well worth trying. 

Sometimes, I get a chuckle out of your posts, but your attempts to denigrate my relationship and other people's relationships solely due to the fact that they are long distance simply becomes predictable then trying.  Your little jab "..not everyone will do...", is only noteworthy in that you attempted to make yourself and your relationship appear 'better' by belittling my standards and those of my Master. 

You are absolutely against long distance relationships; I get that.  You are perfectly entitled to feel that way and please feel free to avoid them at any cost.  You think anyone involved in one is settling; I get that.  However, in that case, you are simply wrong.  I'll say it again; I did not settle.  For me, anyone else would have always been settling for 'second best'.  Got that?


_____________________________

NChaka's amicia

I have never been lifted so high as when I kneel at His feet.

(in reply to domiguy)
Profile   Post #: 31
RE: Coping with Anger - 9/24/2007 9:41:07 PM   
domiguy


Posts: 12952
Joined: 5/2/2006
Status: offline 		I never said you settled....I said "I chose not to settle" meaning that  am particular in who I see but wise enough that if I use enough patience and common sense tha I will find the persom I desire locally.....I just think you put your self willingly in a situation that could have easily been avoided....I can only imagine what a virile dominant dude might be doing in your absence it must cross your mind as well.

_____________________________



(in reply to amiciaN)
Profile   Post #: 32
RE: Coping with Anger - 9/25/2007 3:40:36 AM   
Cyntilating


Posts: 581
Joined: 6/19/2007
Status: offline 		 
 
   you wrote :
      Heck, I'm 47... I could just be pre-menopausal.  Maybe I should look for that professional help at my doctor's office
 
  I know you said this in passing and with humor...but seriously do not overlook this possibility...
  speaking as someone whos been dealing with the menopausal stuff for the last couple years>>
it does tend to work a persons emotions and sense of calm..~~~~
 
as for LDR's ......life turns on a dime..
  is being this far away from one another our preference? NOPE
  We choose to focus on the positives tho'
 
We lived 30 minutes from one another for 
the first 8 years of our
10 year relationship.  LIFE handed me something that "altered" some aspects of the relationship, but does not negate who we are to one another or what is real between us.
"closeness" is perspective..
  Life hands everyone challenges every single day..    We handle it like we've handled every other one weve encountered for the past 10 years...together, and to the best of our ability.
 
 
 edited:  to remove the first "menopausal tirade" of this post.......
    ya...I wasn't kidding about the emotions thing...sigh.


< Message edited by Cyntilating -- 9/25/2007 4:17:26 AM >

_____________________________

Cyndi

.."There are two ways of spreading light: to be the candle or the mirror that reflects it. " Edith Wharton

(in reply to Cyntilating)
Profile   Post #: 33
RE: Coping with Anger - 9/25/2007 8:07:01 AM   
crouchingtigress


Posts: 4387
Joined: 3/19/2006
From: Maui
Status: offline 		anger is a clever trick of the ego, to prevent you from being real with your grief. when you go into anger you get to be all about me, dramatic, and distracting, so that you dont have to feel what is really going on.....fear or grief...maybe both.

think about a beating, you know how pain is a doorway to a new dimention? how it takes a little practice to sink in and trancend? do that with your anger, allow it, feel it,
trancend it....yes youll probally ball your eyes out, but then youll feel loads better, and you will be able to next ask yourself, ok where shall i go from here? what am i learning about myself here? how can i use my situation to further me twards my life goals?


_____________________________


Service slut, durable plaything, and ponypenquincatdogpig, to Lee Harrington

This is him

"Its none of my buisness what other people think of me."




(in reply to Prinsexx)
Profile   Post #: 34
RE: Coping with Anger - 9/25/2007 8:35:59 AM   
YesMistressIrish


Posts: 1135
Joined: 5/1/2007
From: Calif
Status: offline 		This is a fly by post:
 
I read all the responses.
 
To the OP:
Pre-menopausal? The emotions will feel like a valcano! I asked my friends and loved ones for patience when I was going thru this.
Those kind of emotions are just raging hormones with no outlet.
 
Find healthy outlets: Exercise, work, find a pain slut and get that energy out, hobbies, clean, organize, and journal. And, yeah, make best friends with a rabbit and play with it often.
 
My 2 cents
Irish
 
Oh-Best of luck in your relationship. If it works it works. I could not do what you are doing. I need that physical closeness. Shazaaam!

(in reply to crouchingtigress)
Profile   Post #: 35
RE: Coping with Anger - 9/25/2007 1:53:10 PM   
amiciaN


Posts: 228
Joined: 1/20/2007
Status: offline 		My thanks to all those who have added to this thread.  I've calmed back down, at least for the time being, but I'll try to remember all the support and advice the next time I feel like this:

One thing that the posts here helped me do was figure out what was causing the anger.  Fear and grief were two possible underlying causes of anger brought up more than once and I've found those to be valuable insights.  There is an element of fear, i.e., "Will something catasrophic happen before we can be together?"  I know such fears aren't rational and they don't plague me often, but trying to claim they don't exist at all won't help either.  I knew I had these occasional bouts of fear, but I hadn't really tied that to the anger until the posts here reminded me. 

Grief was something I hadn't considered at all but it's probably the biggest source, since anger is one of the 'stages of grief'.  I didn't want Him to leave, that's for sure; I even got 'lost' on the way to O'Hare airport by turning off of the right road!  But I hadn't really equated what I was feeling with grief, which seems silly in retrospect.  Grief is a response to loss, not necessarily by death.  And I definitely 'lose' a lot when we aren't together.    Thank you for pointing that out to me, crouchingtigress.

Finally, one last note to domiguy:  Chicago is a large metropolitan area with a thriving kink community.  Finding someone compatible for you is matter of connecting.  What you fail to account for is the size and quality of the available 'pool' for those of us who live in small, conservative parts of the country.  I was driving 2 hours just to find a munch and some people are even more isolated.  You aren't and I'm sure that's a very positive thing for you.  Yes, I willingly put myself in this situation, but it wasn't done without forethought either.  This is not permanent.  If He had told me it was always going to be long distance, I would not have accepted His collar.  As Mistress Irish said, physical closeness is a need for most people, not a want.  That includes me.  But it isn't the only need and NChaka fulfills the rest of my needs and desires better than I ever dreamed possible.  Granted, this thread was about the anger, grief and fear of being separated and trying to cope with that, but I'm not the kind of person who lets a single aspect of something ruin the whole thing, just like I'm not one to throw out an apple because of one little worm.  I deal with the 'bad spot' and enjoy the rest of the apple.  This time, I needed a sharper knife and the people who replied offered me their 'whetstones'.  For that they have my thanks.  You have only offered the same old axe to grind regarding LDR's and have taken little jabs at me, the sincerity of my Master, and the validity of our relationship.  Look at the last sentence of your latest post: "...I can only imagine what a virile dominant dude might be doing in your absence it must cross your mind as well."  The only possible motive I see for that is that you were attempting to instill fear and insecurity.  You failed.


_____________________________

NChaka's amicia

I have never been lifted so high as when I kneel at His feet.

(in reply to YesMistressIrish)
Profile   Post #: 36
RE: Coping with Anger - 9/25/2007 1:54:46 PM   
Pyrrsefanie


Posts: 1222
Joined: 9/18/2007
From: NEW HAMPSHAAAAAAH!
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: amiciaN

Thank you Pyrrsefanie!    A nice mix of solid advice and a giggle or two... (ok... forgive me.... I have to do it....)  a Pyrrfect respone.


OMG!!!!!  That is so effing cute!!!!!  You're brilliant!

I've GOT to use that somewhere now... look what you've unleashed upon the world! 

Glad to be of service!

(in reply to amiciaN)
Profile   Post #: 37
RE: Coping with Anger - 9/25/2007 2:04:42 PM   
amiciaN


Posts: 228
Joined: 1/20/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Pyrrsefanie

quote:

ORIGINAL: amiciaN

Thank you Pyrrsefanie!    A nice mix of solid advice and a giggle or two... (ok... forgive me.... I have to do it....)  a Pyrrfect respone.


OMG!!!!!  That is so effing cute!!!!!  You're brilliant!

I've GOT to use that somewhere now... look what you've unleashed upon the world! 

Glad to be of service!



Likewise! 

< Message edited by amiciaN -- 9/25/2007 2:05:22 PM >

_____________________________

NChaka's amicia

I have never been lifted so high as when I kneel at His feet.

(in reply to Pyrrsefanie)
Profile   Post #: 38
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