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How do you handle being angry.... - 7/21/2005 10:49:14 AM

Davesgirl

Posts: 89
Joined: 5/13/2005
Status: offline

With your Dom/me? Im asking because my Master and I are 24/7, engaged, with 6 unmentionables, yada yada yada. We have a nice mix of vanilla & BDSM in our life. We have the bills, the food, the rent, all that regular stuff, as well as the kinky stuff. Master understand Im not a robot who can be programmed with thoughts and feelings to mantain day in, day out. So, he realizes he does things that really piss me off.

how do you handle this in a respectfulk way, while still getting your point across to him/her? Because I have this tendancy(a bad one, I might add) to either get really quiet and just not discuss things. Or to blow up and become, as he calls me, the Devil Woman. We have a good line of communication between us, but when it comes to this in particular, its like I clam up or blow up. And when I blow up, all bets are off. I pull no punches and push him as far as I can. He has never hit me in anger, and has told me he wont, which I believe. Not to mention I told him if he ever did, it was over. He understands and respects that.

Anyone have any advice on how to handle it when you lose your cool, and your Dom/me has just totally pissed you off? I welcome any and all ideas, as Im at my wits end on this one.

Thanks, in advance, everyone!

Post #: 1

RE: How do you handle being angry.... - 7/21/2005 11:15:20 AM

nenakajira

Posts: 221
Joined: 7/14/2005
Status: offline

The rule of our house has always been "Its not what you say, its how you say it". It sounds like the 'how you say it' part is what youre having a problem with.
Maybe an alternate line of communication would help. In the begining when I got upset with him Id write him a letter. I knew that talking face to face Id tend to back down too quickly out of fear of upsetting him. I was able to put my thoughts together more in a written or e-mail format than sitting at his feet.
The only other thing Ive tried that tends to help is switching my speach mode if Im upset and I know Im going to blow. If I need to get a point across and Im extremely angry then Ill switch to a mode that I know is more difficult to blow up in. Such as speaking in third person or using 'Master' after almost every damn sentence so I *have* to think before I speak.
Anger is hard to deal with. Its easy to blow up and rage. Its extremely easy to say things in the heat of the moment. What you need to find is a method that forces you to think before you speak. No one method works for anyone but something that you even find a bit annoying, like third person, makes you have to think of every sentence before it leaves your mouth. It gives you a moment to realise "If I say this now Im going to regret it later".

ciao
nena{R}

(in reply to Davesgirl)

Post #: 2

RE: How do you handle being angry.... - 7/21/2005 3:56:10 PM

feline

Posts: 1101
Joined: 2/23/2004
From: CA
Status: offline

What I usually do is take a walk. And if I can't walk I excuse myself to another room and ask for some time alone. I also will write down all the things I would have liked to have said out loud. If he chooses to read it it is up to him. And yes, biting my tongue has taken a lot of practice.

Attachment (1)

_____________________________

Variety is the soul of pleasure.
~Aphra Behn~

(in reply to Davesgirl)

Post #: 3

RE: How do you handle being angry.... - 7/21/2005 4:34:00 PM

sub4hire

Posts: 6775
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline

I generally look at Doug and say we need to talk...and some quality time.

Then we go on with our days. He knows then something has happened. Whether
he did it or someone else.
Anyway, we schedule a day and a time...and work it out then.

(in reply to Davesgirl)

Post #: 4

RE: How do you handle being angry.... - 7/21/2005 9:46:03 PM

LaMspeach

Posts: 794
Joined: 12/4/2004
From: Philadelphia area, PA
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: nenakajira

The rule of our house has always been "Its not what you say, its how you say it". It sounds like the 'how you say it' part is what youre having a problem with.
Maybe an alternate line of communication would help. In the begining when I got upset with him Id write him a letter. I knew that talking face to face Id tend to back down too quickly out of fear of upsetting him. I was able to put my thoughts together more in a written or e-mail format than sitting at his feet.
The only other thing Ive tried that tends to help is switching my speach mode if Im upset and I know Im going to blow. If I need to get a point across and Im extremely angry then Ill switch to a mode that I know is more difficult to blow up in. Such as speaking in third person or using 'Master' after almost every damn sentence so I *have* to think before I speak.
Anger is hard to deal with. Its easy to blow up and rage. Its extremely easy to say things in the heat of the moment. What you need to find is a method that forces you to think before you speak. No one method works for anyone but something that you even find a bit annoying, like third person, makes you have to think of every sentence before it leaves your mouth. It gives you a moment to realise "If I say this now Im going to regret it later".

ciao
nena{R}

Great advice, nena, Thank you.

Something else i have also found that works ( at times for me ) is simply saying " I'm angry" or " you hurt my feelings" and wait until he ask what is wrong.Then by the time he ask what is wrong it has given me a few mins to get myself together so i can remember to be respectful.

_____________________________

peach ~ LordandMasters devoted alpha slave
"Only when the year has grown cold does one know that the pine and cypress are the last to wither"

(in reply to nenakajira)

Post #: 5

RE: How do you handle being angry.... - 7/22/2005 12:46:00 PM

littleone35

Posts: 2828
Joined: 2/17/2005
Status: offline

i never handled being angry well. what i would do is excuse myself go get my throw pillow and punch it until i calmed down then i would go back and we could talk calmly about whatever made me angry. It helpe me to do something physically to release my anger. Would not wotk for everyone but sure worked for me.

littleone

(in reply to LaMspeach)

Post #: 6

RE: How do you handle being angry.... - 7/22/2005 1:06:20 PM

ElektraUkM

Posts: 309
Joined: 2/19/2005
Status: offline

Good question, and I'm looking forward to reading more suggestions on this.

Like the OP, I have always had difficulty handling anger ~ either blowing up, or withdrawing. Both very dangerous and destructive in a relationship. You need to find a way in which you express your anger before it gets Too Big. And that's not easy for some people... Fear of not being listened to, fear of having your needs unmet if you state them, fear of rejection.

Pushing through those fears, daring to voice your needs before it gets to the point of anger is probably the key. Communication is what it comes down to... and sometimes we need to be really brave to communicate, at Risk of things not turning out the way we would like them to.

Just some thoughts, and no real solutions, maybe... looking forward to hearing more opinion and advice on this.

~ Elektra

(in reply to littleone35)

Post #: 7

RE: How do you handle being angry.... - 7/22/2005 1:26:42 PM

Faramir

Posts: 1043
Joined: 2/12/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: nenakajira

The rule of our house has always been "Its not what you say, its how you say it". It sounds like the 'how you say it' part is what youre having a problem with.

---

ciao
nena{R}

I'm down with that. Every person with whom I have a power relationship with is encouraged to share and communicate respectfully: my kids, my employees, my slave, back in the Corps, at the right time and place my junior Marines as well.

We can't choose how we feel, but we can choose the way we act in response to our feelings, and I think that respectful communication strengthens a power relationship vice undermines it.

(in reply to nenakajira)

Post #: 8

RE: How do you handle being angry.... - 7/22/2005 4:18:19 PM

teapaw

Posts: 97
Joined: 5/5/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: ElektraUkM

Like the OP, I have always had difficulty handling anger ~ either blowing up, or withdrawing. Both very dangerous and destructive in a relationship. You need to find a way in which you express your anger before it gets Too Big. And that's not easy for some people... Fear of not being listened to, fear of having your needs unmet if you state them, fear of rejection.

~ Elektra

quote:

Fear of not being listened to, fear of having your needs unmet if you state them, fear of rejection.

I tend to clam up....let it stew and then not say anthing at all...its not like he doesnt KNOW something is wrong..the whole house will know..im a happy go lucky person so when Im quite something is wrong. SOme times i write, by writting I can vent then go backa dn reword later and then let Master read it.....or go find someone else to talk to.*thanks all here :) *
It helps me to figure out if it was just me reacting or if its a real problem. Emotional creatures do tend to react to things..LOL
Its not the best advice its just what I do.....of course there is always Master pushing me to talk and the more he pushes the more I cry and finally get it out...and he just pats me on the head and says I love you feel better.....LOL ...What a world of emotions we live in... **hugs **pamela

_____________________________

"get a taste of reiligion ...lick a witch"

(in reply to ElektraUkM)

Post #: 9

RE: How do you handle being angry.... - 7/22/2005 4:35:43 PM

subcheryl

Posts: 280
Joined: 11/2/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: teapaw

I tend to clam up....let it stew and then not say anthing at all...its not like he doesnt KNOW something is wrong..the whole house will know..im a happy go lucky person so when Im quite something is wrong. SOme times i write, by writting I can vent then go backa dn reword later and then let Master read it.....or go find someone else to talk to.*thanks all here :) *
It helps me to figure out if it was just me reacting or if its a real problem. Emotional creatures do tend to react to things..LOL
Its not the best advice its just what I do.....of course there is always Master pushing me to talk and the more he pushes the more I cry and finally get it out...and he just pats me on the head and says I love you feel better.....LOL ...What a world of emotions we live in... **hugs **pamela

Hey! ! ! That's me! ! ! ! I have had a couple of these situations happen since I came to Master. The first time was when I was with him for just a couple of weeks and I didn't know how to approach him with the situation, unfurtunately neither did he know how to handle it, but we did get the problem ironed out before he went to work and more so after he came home. Now he knows to let me cry, to sit patiently for me to get control and to sort out what it is I need to say and then he listens, and after I tell him he is so sweet, and as usual finds the solution and we work together to make it happen, it is getting easier to tell him things but I still end up crying, which I really hate to do, I am not really a crier, or didn't use to be, cause I had to be the strong one, but guess I am making up for lost time, poor master! ! ! !

(in reply to teapaw)

Post #: 10

RE: How do you handle being angry.... - 7/22/2005 5:33:48 PM

teapaw

Posts: 97
Joined: 5/5/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: subcheryl

quote:

ORIGINAL: teapaw

*
It Master pushing me to talk and the more he pushes the more I cry and finally get it out...and he just pats me on the head and says I love you feel better.....LOL ...What a world of emotions we live in... **hugs **pamela

Hey! ! ! That's me! ! ! ! I Now he knows to let me cry, to sit patiently for me to get control and to sort out what it is I need to say and then he listens, and after I tell him he is so sweet, and as usual finds the solution and we work together to make it happen, it is getting easier to tell him things but I still end up crying, which I really hate to do, I am not really a crier, or didn't use to be, cause I had to be the strong one, but guess I am making up for lost time, poor master! ! ! !

Its always hard to tell Master things that bother me...I either fear it will upset him (if its about him) or that he will try to talk it out when I jsut want to vent or Goddess Forbid FIX IT!! somethings just can not be fixed and may just need to be cried out..LOL....
I didnt used to be either but then I have never wanted to please and love a Master like him...he brings me to tears allot...well my emotional state has changed allot over the past 6 months too witht he death of my son so I cry all the time...LOL...I cry happy sad laughing...He is paitent...in fact today he menationed that is is being far more paitent then he is normally, and I said I was ready for him not to be...he will stillbe be and watching for my reactions.....He has picked up this nasty habit of wantingt o be more of a husband thena maste rnad we have to talk about that allot WOW was that a hard one....Is cried and squirmed and wiggled all over the floor at his feet as I stuttered out what I wanted....He asked me! but it was still hard....
Poor master indeed....dealing with a clam girl....I wish I did yell like my sister salve....actually I feel even sorrier for Master sometimes..he has a yeller and a clam...Sissy and I are so very different we keep him on his toes...thats for sure...**Big smiles**
Ok thats enough babbling...
Just my 2 or 4 cents now...
pamela

_____________________________

"get a taste of reiligion ...lick a witch"

(in reply to subcheryl)

Post #: 11

RE: How do you handle being angry.... - 7/23/2005 10:24:00 AM

nenakajira

Posts: 221
Joined: 7/14/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: teapaw

Its always hard to tell Master things that bother me...I either fear it will upset him (if its about him) or that he will try to talk it out when I jsut want to vent or Goddess Forbid FIX IT!! somethings just can not be fixed and may just need to be cried out..LOL....
I didnt used to be either but then I have never wanted to please and love a Master like him...he brings me to tears allot...well my emotional state has changed allot over the past 6 months too witht he death of my son so I cry all the time...LOL...I cry happy sad laughing...He is paitent...in fact today he menationed that is is being far more paitent then he is normally, and I said I was ready for him not to be...he will stillbe be and watching for my reactions.....He has picked up this nasty habit of wantingt o be more of a husband thena maste rnad we have to talk about that allot WOW was that a hard one....Is cried and squirmed and wiggled all over the floor at his feet as I stuttered out what I wanted....He asked me! but it was still hard....
Poor master indeed....dealing with a clam girl....I wish I did yell like my sister salve....actually I feel even sorrier for Master sometimes..he has a yeller and a clam...Sissy and I are so very different we keep him on his toes...thats for sure...**Big smiles**
Ok thats enough babbling...
Just my 2 or 4 cents now...
pamela

Hey pamela,

I think thats the difference between men and women. When women talk about problems its normally just to talk. To share feelings. To work on things. We're not looking for Mr. Fixit.
When men talk about problems to eachother its usually because they want outside advise. So when you tell a man something his first response is normally to try to fix it. Args.
Ive had to sit down before with "Master, I need to talk to you about how I feel but Im not asking you to fix this for me. Its something I need to work on but I want you to be aware..ect...ect..." just so he doesnt go into Mr. Fixit mode.
Men are funny creatures sometimes.

ciao
nena{R}

(in reply to teapaw)

Post #: 12

RE: How do you handle being angry.... - 7/23/2005 12:41:27 PM

krikket

Posts: 1183
Joined: 11/17/2004
From: Washington, DC Metro Area
Status: offline

The more i read here, and in other forums, the more i realize there are an awful lot of us that have trouble dealig with angry..and wow, is that nice to know..lol. i tend to clam up, it's how i was raised. Sometimes i almost envy those who can blow up and let it all "hang out". Unfortunately that's not me. Intellectually i know that "Feelings are neither right nor wrong, they just are. It's what we do with them that can be yet still i have trouble with it, and i am working on it when i can.

i also don't get angry very often -- feeling hurt is a far more common problem with me. However, when either of those happens, i write in my journal letting it all out, fair or not. When i cry (and i do) i try to be alone, wrapped up tightly in a blanket and just cry until i'm feeling better (or my nose is too stuffed up to continue..lol).

Good luck..sounds like both you and your Master have the good fortune to have found each other, and wise enough to know that a relationship takes work, and energy, and compassion, and love, and....

huggles
jimini

< Message edited by krikket -- 7/23/2005 5:17:03 PM >

_____________________________

"And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to bloom."

by A. Nin

When your heart speaks take good notes.

(in reply to nenakajira)

Post #: 13

RE: How do you handle being angry.... - 7/23/2005 12:59:51 PM

Gemeni

Posts: 255
Joined: 2/19/2005
Status: offline

I do it by realizing what upsets me, and then shutting down the impulse. I find that if I pick it apart, then I can deal with it better.

I like to be able to respond to stimulus,rather than just react to it.

(in reply to krikket)

Post #: 14

RE: How do you handle being angry.... - 7/24/2005 2:41:18 PM

teapaw

Posts: 97
Joined: 5/5/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: krikket
i also don't get angry very often -- feeling hurt is a far more common problem with me. However, when either of those happens, i write in my journal letting it all out, fair or not. When i cry (and i do) i try to be alone, wrapped up tightly in a blanket and just cry until i'm feeling better (or my nose is too stuffed up to continue..lol).
huggles
jimini

Thats what normally makes me angry...getting my feelings hurt....frustration will also make me angry....I try to be alone but with a house full LOL thats hard to do.....
Nose stuffed up..OMGS I soo get that problem...I end up taking sinus meds to get trought he rest of the day...LOL

pamela

_____________________________

"get a taste of reiligion ...lick a witch"

(in reply to krikket)

Post #: 15

RE: How do you handle being angry.... - 7/26/2005 1:49:01 PM

zuchtstute1969

Posts: 14
Joined: 4/4/2004
Status: offline

Does anyone ever get angery because there Master is not paying enough attention to his slave or you Master/Dom doesn't make you feel like a slave, but a vanilla wife sometimes? because that is what makes me angery and hurt. when i feel like my Master is not being a Dom, and i basically being his vanilla wife, not his slave, not a possesion or a thing anymore. One night it got so bad, i went after him, because i was so fed up with his attitude, and here lately, i have had to get out of the house or i would hurt him, because he is NOT making me feel like a slave and i have had to start topping from the bottom-which i hate-that is not my natural state. My natural state is a slave nothing more.

slavelilly

(in reply to teapaw)

Post #: 16

RE: How do you handle being angry.... - 7/26/2005 4:28:29 PM

fourpeas

Posts: 243
Joined: 5/6/2005
Status: offline

I handle anger and being upset in the same way...

I need to take some time, and get AWAY from the situation. Something I have found that always helps is taking a drive in the car and just chilling out. I always want to listen to music just to help clear my head. Most of the time I find that the things I was angry about in the beginning are not the things that I remain angry about. And the things I originally get upset about are not usually the things that made me upset in the beginning.

I need to go take care of this now, actually. Ha ha ha...

(in reply to zuchtstute1969)

Post #: 17

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