communicating ...

communicating ... (Full Version)

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flowspen -> communicating ... (9/24/2007 7:54:27 AM)
Is there a protocal when it comes to communicating about self to a Mistress? i know some feel that if a submissive gives them a list of things they enjoy that the submissive is only thinking of self. Also i know the more a Mistress knows about the submissive the easier it will be for Her to Dom him/her. Somethings i find extremely hard to communicate especially the things i consider my darker side of submission. There is one Mistress who we just started talking and i want to tell her all the things i am interested in but i dont want to come off like a needy or selfish submissive. How can i do that?

stockingluvr54 -> RE: communicating ... (9/24/2007 8:48:57 AM)
If it were me...I'd just wait a bit and let things progress at her pace? We all know that we all have kinks so she'll probably take the lead in time and let you know when the appropriate time is to start discussing kink...??? jmo....

MistressScarlot -> RE: communicating ... (9/25/2007 12:10:47 PM)
I don't think it's really possible to train and stretch a boy in submission without understanding what he's already experienced, and where his own interests lie. I can't even know if I'd be compatible with a boy without understanding a bit about what makes him tick, submissively speaking. Every submissive is completely different, even down to having different ideas of what submission /is/. What motivates one boy during training is not the same thing that motivates another. What I might use as a reward for one boy would be seen as punishment by another. In the end, I want him to be the submissive /I/ want him to be. That's exactly why I like to start by understanding him, because if there isn't some base level of compatibility, neither of us are going to have much fun moving forward. The best M/s relationships are symbiotic, where the needs of all are met by the M's needs being met. That's a pretty tall order to begin with, but especially hard to achieve if there isn't any understanding of each other's interests! Just because you share your interests with her does not mean that she needs to fulfill them. That's /her/ choice, based on her own interests and what she wants to do with you. :) You can't really know if she's a good fit for you (just as important for a sub looking for a Dom/me as it is vice/versa) if she doesn't know your interests....and isn't that why you're talking to her? And what you're hoping to find out?

MistressScarlot -> RE: communicating ... (9/25/2007 12:15:55 PM)
I meant to add....that if you tell her that you'd like her to know your interests so she understands better where you're coming from as a submissive, I don't think she'll be offended. Just present it respectfully, and let her know it's just to help you both determine compatibility, not that you're expecting her to "please" you.

Politesub53 -> RE: communicating ... (9/25/2007 4:21:26 PM)
Flowspen..... As you said yourself in another thread "A closed mouth doesn`t get fed" I agree with the answers you have had so far, although i know exactly what you mean. Telling a new Mistress You like being spanked, isnt the same as saying you like golden showers, or whatever. The darker the desire, the harder it is to share. I suspect part of this comes from not wanting someone you like to see you as odd. I would also say the best course of action, is to let things flow at there own pace. There will be instances where you are both chatting about the lifestyle, and it just feels right to say "How do you feel about such and such" Good luck and welcome to the boards

MzticStormz -> RE: communicating ... (9/25/2007 4:44:40 PM)
A submissive has to hold my interest on topics other than BDSM before I want to hear about his scene preferences. Generally once I am courious enough to ask him about scene related activities then likely he has sparked enough of my interest to ask him what I feel I need to know in order to guide things in the direction I wish them to go. Everyone is different. If you have doubts or questions..ask her.. If she is not ready to know that part of you she will likely say so. Mz Stormz

PairOfDimes -> RE: communicating ... (9/25/2007 5:22:07 PM)
In order to avoid coming across as overeager, you could wait for her to ask you for details about what you enjoy, or what you want in a relationship. I'd advise giving a short, general summary of what you enjoy at the outset, i.e. "I'm looking for a play-focused relationship. In the past, I've enjoyed receiving spankings and giving foot worship. I like feeling submissive, and I would like to feel submissive more often in scenes, although I'm not sure how I get there. I'm also interested in experimenting with heavier pain play and anal penetration." Leave the details to later--no sense writing out several descriptive paragraphs about the exact nature of your approach to foot massages, or your preferred feet (for example). If she never asks you for more details of your preferences, but she is sharing her own, you could use her remarks to share your ideas--for example, if she writes, "I particularly enjoy caning," you could reply that while you've never tried caning, you're game to try new things, and then ask, perhaps, what she likes about it, or how it compares to other impact activities. Remember, it's a conversation--you talk, you listen, you respond. Also, to avoid seeming unpleasant and seeming as though you've become overly familiar with a new acquaintance, try to avoid profane and intimate terms--so, I would rather read "anally penetrated" than "fucked in the ass." Communicate with precision and concision--the same rules you probably learned in English class.

undergroundsea -> RE: communicating ... (9/25/2007 6:24:08 PM)
I have usually let these details and the types of play evolve organically. I appreciate not knowing where we will go and when an approach to a particular type of play is initiated by the domme. I speak in general terms of areas with which I align and I see value in post-play discussions about what went well for each and how it made each feel. Within an area under consideration, I might elaborate on how it makes me feel and how it enhances my submissive mindset. I am interested to know what activities the domme enjoys and the underlying reason for why she enjoys them to better understand what she enjoys about dominance. One approach is to ask a domme this question. More than likely she will return the question. Some people rely on checklists. Within this discussion, perhaps you can ask her how she feels about checklists. Cheers, Sea

FullfigRIMaam -> RE: communicating ... (9/25/2007 6:55:41 PM)
Approach and treat her like a lady, and the conversation should eventually go in that direction or she'll ask you. M

HottLicks -> RE: communicating ... (9/25/2007 7:04:51 PM)
We all know how vital communication is, but I feel that a submissive should not get into sexual communication until I have asked for it. I will ask. I just won't ask until I feel it is best or the time for it. It is understandable to want to share your desires, needs and interest, but I wouldn't go to the darker area's (as you phrased it) until she has asked for them. Sometimes it's too easy to jump right in there and to be too ready to go there and because of that you are jumping in too soon. I want to know I can talk to a person outside of the bedroom or playroom, before I want to know his fantasy or needs and if I really want to beat his ass.

MissHarlet -> RE: communicating ... (9/25/2007 7:49:41 PM)
I agree ... I want to know the person before I know the submissive... I will ask about his kink and fetishes when I feel there is enough of a connection to the person to want to know the submissive. I want all of him .. not just his bedroom/dungeon persona

flowspen -> RE: communicating ... (9/26/2007 9:29:05 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Politesub53 Flowspen..... As you said yourself in another thread "A closed mouth doesn`t get fed" I agree with the answers you have had so far, although i know exactly what you mean. Telling a new Mistress You like being spanked, isnt the same as saying you like golden showers, or whatever. The darker the desire, the harder it is to share. I suspect part of this comes from not wanting someone you like to see you as odd. I would also say the best course of action, is to let things flow at there own pace. There will be instances where you are both chatting about the lifestyle, and it just feels right to say "How do you feel about such and such" Good luck and welcome to the boards Smiling yes you are so correct it is always harder to follow ones own advice because it is hard to see the forrest for the trees. You understand exactly what i am referring to though and yes i do open my mouth but it is as in testing the waters. i will admit something and see how they react, then admit something else and see. in the past i have been asking Dominants for there limits and then i compare them to my wants. i guess one fear is that i will say i like this and they go no i dont like that but they may feel that we are not compadible because of that one thing. Maybe i have had some experiences with Mistress in the past that makes me feel this way. Sometimes one little slip up rather it is your fault or not and bam they are gone. its makes me too careful and i am always watching what i say and do which takes away from me just being who i am. i enjoyed your comment though because i say that to people all the time.. "listen to your own advice" it feels good to hear it said to me. peace

flowspen -> RE: communicating ... (9/26/2007 9:34:30 AM)
Mztic Stormz... interesting i never thought about it like that. Thank You.

flowspen -> RE: communicating ... (9/26/2007 9:41:49 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: PairOfDimes In order to avoid coming across as overeager, you could wait for her to ask you for details about what you enjoy, or what you want in a relationship. I'd advise giving a short, general summary of what you enjoy at the outset, i.e. "I'm looking for a play-focused relationship. In the past, I've enjoyed receiving spankings and giving foot worship. I like feeling submissive, and I would like to feel submissive more often in scenes, although I'm not sure how I get there. I'm also interested in experimenting with heavier pain play and anal penetration." Leave the details to later--no sense writing out several descriptive paragraphs about the exact nature of your approach to foot massages, or your preferred feet (for example). If she never asks you for more details of your preferences, but she is sharing her own, you could use her remarks to share your ideas--for example, if she writes, "I particularly enjoy caning," you could reply that while you've never tried caning, you're game to try new things, and then ask, perhaps, what she likes about it, or how it compares to other impact activities. Remember, it's a conversation--you talk, you listen, you respond. Also, to avoid seeming unpleasant and seeming as though you've become overly familiar with a new acquaintance, try to avoid profane and intimate terms--so, I would rather read "anally penetrated" than "fucked in the ass." Communicate with precision and concision--the same rules you probably learned in English class. Great advice my friend, i will use these techniques!

flowspen -> RE: communicating ... (9/26/2007 9:45:09 AM)
the replies here have helped alot. i do now see two clear periods of communicating in the beginning and a middle level of communicating. i also see by pushing the D/s stuff tothe middle part will be a good idea. Thank you

IWantACuckold -> RE: communicating ... (9/26/2007 9:45:27 AM)
In my profile I ask for a detailed email from those that respond. I tell them to let me know about their "vanilla", and bdsm, lives. Not their kinks and fetishes, but their experiences. This gives me an insight for our initial conversation, and a foundation of sorts. It also lets me know upfront, whether it will be a waste of time...on both sides.

MsBearlee -> RE: communicating ... (9/26/2007 9:46:27 AM)
Personally, I thought that is what a profile was for; stating desires, intersts...what it is you're looking for. No? I seldom pay attention to a thin profile; I just don't like 'em. Most don't have pics, and surely aren't using real names; so...what are they hiding from? I like to see 'who they are' right up front. Having said that...I don't like gutter talk while I'm getting to know someone. I don't even wanna hear much about sex, really. I want BDSM in my life...and figure I'll find it here. So, in the beginning, I'd like to hear about who you are in the 'real' world...what you eat, who you've read; and gradually add to it more, shall we say...personal information. Still...initial contact is usually based on that profile; is it not? Just a thought, Beverly Edited to add: I read your profile and found it one of the better written ones. Good for you! You've stated what you're looking for, what you want...surely she's read this, no? Past that...go slow and let the relationship unfold; there is no need to hurry things. Personally, the thought of tying up a guy I hardly know holds little interest for me.

flowspen -> RE: communicating ... (9/26/2007 10:53:22 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: MsBearlee Personally, I thought that is what a profile was for; stating desires, intersts...what it is you're looking for. No? I seldom pay attention to a thin profile; I just don't like 'em. Most don't have pics, and surely aren't using real names; so...what are they hiding from? I like to see 'who they are' right up front. Having said that...I don't like gutter talk while I'm getting to know someone. I don't even wanna hear much about sex, really. I want BDSM in my life...and figure I'll find it here. So, in the beginning, I'd like to hear about who you are in the 'real' world...what you eat, who you've read; and gradually add to it more, shall we say...personal information. Still...initial contact is usually based on that profile; is it not? Just a thought, Beverly Edited to add: I read your profile and found it one of the better written ones. Good for you! You've stated what you're looking for, what you want...surely she's read this, no? Past that...go slow and let the relationship unfold; there is no need to hurry things. Personally, the thought of tying up a guy I hardly know holds little interest for me. Thank You and yes the profile i imagine is for that. i had difficulties giving a list of likes because i didn't want it to seem i was only thinking of me. i have been working on my profile alot over the last week. Some of the comments i have read here on the boards have enabled me to have a good profile so i thank everyone who comments. i am learning as time goes on.. Thank You

flowspen -> RE: communicating ... (9/26/2007 1:00:56 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: undergroundsea I have usually let these details and the types of play evolve organically. I appreciate not knowing where we will go and when an approach to a particular type of play is initiated by the domme. I speak in general terms of areas with which I align and I see value in post-play discussions about what went well for each and how it made each feel. Within an area under consideration, I might elaborate on how it makes me feel and how it enhances my submissive mindset. I am interested to know what activities the domme enjoys and the underlying reason for why she enjoys them to better understand what she enjoys about dominance. One approach is to ask a domme this question. More than likely she will return the question. Some people rely on checklists. Within this discussion, perhaps you can ask her how she feels about checklists. Cheers, Sea Good points you make Thank You!

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