Male sub needs feed back on his profile from the ladies (Full Version)

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ededwards -> Male sub needs feed back on his profile from the ladies (9/27/2007 6:20:26 AM)

Hello women of substance, fellow collarme.com subscribers, and subs.

I would like to introduce myself and ask for your help.

I am John from Rockford IL. ededwards is my collarme.com name. I am a submissive male looking for a healthy D/s relationship.

I am new to the game and thanks in part to your contributions to this board I have avoided a bunch of newbie mistakes.

I am amazed at the quality of the discourse that occurs on these boards and I have already learned alot from you all. Thank you.

I would really appreciate any feedback that anyone could provide on my profile. The pictures have not posted yet and I am more interested in your opinion of my essays than the pictures. Bring out your most pointed questions and I assure you it is impossible for you to offend me. i seek honesty above all else.

Respectfully
John



Majik -> RE: Male sub needs feed back on his profile from the ladies (9/27/2007 6:41:50 AM)

Welcome to the forums. Glad to see you posting.=]

We also have a lot of wonderful subs here who can give you valuable feedback as well. Hopefully some of them will jump in and offer some advice.

~edited because my brain is in park today.



ededwards -> RE: Male sub needs feed back on his profile from the ladies (9/27/2007 7:21:22 AM)

Thanks Ms. Majik

I'm on FIRE today.



FullfigRIMaam -> RE: Male sub needs feed back on his profile from the ladies (9/27/2007 7:34:42 AM)

For one thing, it's a tad on the long winded side.
Secondly:  keep the things you cannot stand to yourself until you're getting to know someone and you two have gotten into a comfortable conversation, than the things you consider thorns can come out during a joke or light conversation...  Otherwise, it sounds a little like baggage.
Thirdly:  please lose "dominate"  as a noun and replace it with dominant.

Fourthly (is that a word? lol): what's with the specified time table?
quote:

We will correspond and get to know one another over daily Yahoo messenger or e-mail for a month or however long it takes.
What if you two are really into one another's vibe, you're going to insist on a month of chatting/emailing before moving forward like a grown adult who will do as he wishes, maybe even be spontaneous once in a while?
What's with the "I bench?"   Attractive to people who work out with lots, and compare those stats (mostly men). [&:]    Is that your way of indicating you're only interested in athletic dominas (in which case, it's all good).
Otherwise, it seems kool, and I wish you luck.    M



Cloudz -> RE: Male sub needs feed back on his profile from the ladies (9/27/2007 8:13:04 AM)

Hi John,

I liked your profile, yes it is a bit long winded...but I see that as earnest communication and a clear idea of what you are seeking. I would suggest the use of spell check...but that is a personal pet peeve.

If I were looking in your area, I would contact you. I hope it helps...welcome, and best of luck in your search!



YesMistressIrish -> RE: Male sub needs feed back on his profile from the ladies (9/27/2007 9:59:46 AM)

Hi John,
 
Welcome to the forums.
 
Your profile:
I really like all that you have to say, do not find it too wordy, enjoyed reading your journal, and appreciate your frankness and honesty about all of your personality traits.
 
Suggestions: Spell and grammer check asap!
Smart women will notice and wonder if you are too lazy to spend 10 minutes cleaning it up.
www.dictionary.com
 
Best of luck to you,
Miss Irish



iammachine -> RE: Male sub needs feed back on his profile from the ladies (9/27/2007 10:54:23 AM)

Welcome to the boards.

What a great strategy to have people perv your profile! [;)]

Overall, you are very clear and your profile is well written. For my taste, it's a little bit too business like. I might suggest changing some of the definite statements like "I will, you will, we will" etc to something a little less absolute, such as "I would like" or "I would hope." This statement, for example, "As a dominant person in our relationship you will demand respect and respond accordingly to what you perceive to be infractions of your expectations," is quite awkward to read. It reads like an order. You might be able to turn that around into "I will respect the authority that you may demand as the dominant in the relationship...." which pretty much says the same thing, but in a way that's less likely to put someone off. :)

You also mention sexual orientation a few times, which might be a time or two too many. In saying that you like het women, for examply, are you saying you don't like non-het women? It's a little awkward, but I'm kind of sensitive to that kind of stuff, too. Aside from a few minor points (that can make a big difference to me), your profile seems a-ok.



MsBearlee -> RE: Male sub needs feed back on his profile from the ladies (9/27/2007 11:03:43 AM)

 
LOL   I like clever ones.

What a good idea to post such an invitation; you cagy thing!

[;)]



MsLilac -> RE: Male sub needs feed back on his profile from the ladies (9/27/2007 11:19:38 AM)

Hi,

This is, of course only my personal opinion, and only the way I would see it if I were looking. My opinion may or may not be conducive to you and your search. If nothing else, use it to contrast.

The pros I see in your profile.

1) You are frank in your profile.
2) I like your diplomatic way of suggesting what you are not looking for.
3) You are upfront about some, shall we say, less than desirable points.

Cons:

1) I didn’t like the use of upper case when stating you can be strong and assertive. I don’t need to be virtually shouted at for you to get that point across. Perhaps underline if you wish to emphasise that.
2) You contradict yourself here “You are beautiful, strong, vibrant, and alive with passion. What that looks like and means is determined by YOU and not my imagination or a fantasy”. I understand the stance you are taking with your qualifying second sentence, but lets be honest, by using the adjectives in the first sentence, you are fantasising, and setting limitations at the same time.
3) Maybe a touch on the long side - BUT, I would rather that, than somebody who has nothing to say for himself.
4) You contradict yourself again by saying you put women on a pedestal, but then you go on to admit that you have taken some women for granted.
5) You sound like you are dictating what will happen.
6) This is just me, but I found the tone of your profile just a little to ’domineering’ for my tastes.
7) Red flags are set off on the amount of fantasy level in your profile.
8) This one got me, “I can cook healthy meals for you”. What if She wanted unhealthy junk food? Are you going to refuse to cook her a pizza? Lol!!! ;-). There was a lot of this kind passive dictating in your profile that would be a turn off for me. There are ways of stating what you expect and what you will and will not put up with, without dictating; which, lets be honest, doesn't go down well with the ilk of women you desire to find.

But, you know what? I am just nitpicking. I am also not your core audience, so it doesn’t matter a bean what I think. I feel overall it’s a very good profile - certainly better in calibre to some I have seen here. You are doing exactly what you need to do to find the one you are looking for.  

You will probably get a lot of opinions here that will contradict each other. The only right way is portraying yourself honestly, and being yourself. I wish you all the best in your search.



sissypet01 -> RE: Male sub needs feed back on his profile from the ladies (9/27/2007 11:32:13 AM)

Welcome to the message Boards;
I am sissypet
From a male sub preceptive on your profile, it is well thought out. I do agree with the others Ladies that it can use a spell check and have some phrases reworded. I know my self i struggle with spelling and properly worded sentences. it sounds that even before you made this request you have had some success with meeting Ladies from this site if i read correctly. its better then i do. (has not gotten any emails from perspective Ladies)(have had views but that about it). any whoo; again welcome and good luck to you.
 
P.S.
Ladies perhaps after looking at his you might consider reviewing mine and give your thoughts on mine as well and where it might be improved as well. 



FullfigRIMaam -> RE: Male sub needs feed back on his profile from the ladies (9/27/2007 12:53:16 PM)

sissypet01
I think your profile is lovely, and you indeed sound like an easygoing gentleman.    I hope the ladies who are turned on by your kink (having/owning a sissypet) do check you out, as I certainly would.   Good luck.

...And now back to John's profile:   I agree with MsLilac on the following statements
quote:

5) You sound like you are dictating what will happen.
6) This is just me, but I found the tone of your profile just a little to ’domineering’ for my tastes.
7) Red flags are set off on the amount of fantasy level in your profile.
8) This one got me, “I can cook healthy meals for you”.
...  As you can see, we are all different, and we enjoy different approaches; so just be yourself, and you will attract the right person for you. [;)]   M



Carrianna -> RE: Male sub needs feed back on his profile from the ladies (9/27/2007 2:52:11 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: ededwards
Bring out your most pointed questions and I assure you it is impossible for you to offend me. i seek honesty above all else.


I read your profile, enjoyed reading it and stopped when you said God!  Please, is there honestly only one god, and he just happens to be male!  Personally I like the word Goddess, but that is just my opinion...

Have fun.



ededwards -> RE: Male sub needs feed back on his profile from the ladies (9/27/2007 4:45:54 PM)

Hello women of substance, fellow collarme.com subscribers, subs, and all others.

Thank you for your astute criticism. I agree with most of your input. My profile is an introductory owners manual of sorts. I have never found any owners manual to be a good read. But you do need to know where the hole is to put the oil in or the car blows up. My understanding is that a D/s relationship has components of TPE but a LTR cannot possibly stay at such a fever pitch. That is unsustainable. All negotiations must begin from a position of strength. Reconciling differences means that both sides need to give up something to come to an agreement. Once the terms are set then the real fun begins. Woe to the man who sells his his birthright for a bowl of broth simply because he is famished at that moment. I am greatfull you took the time to impart your wisdom to me. I need to learn as much as I can and because of amazing people like yourselves, I may just accomplish my goal.
Respectfully
John V.








Politesub53 -> RE: Male sub needs feed back on his profile from the ladies (9/27/2007 4:57:53 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: YesMistressIrish
 
Suggestions: Spell and grammer check asap!
Smart women will notice and wonder if you are too lazy to spend 10 minutes cleaning it up.
www.dictionary.com
 
Best of luck to you,
Miss Irish


Hi Ma`am.....would that be " grammar check asap "
< grins impishly and goes to bed >
[8D]



ededwards -> RE: Male sub needs feed back on his profile from the ladies (9/27/2007 5:24:11 PM)

Hello Cloudz
High prase indeed. Discussion is now closed! LOL.

quote:

If I were looking in your area, I would contact you. I hope it helps...welcome, and best of luck in your search!

If only it were so easy.

John V.



ededwards -> RE: Male sub needs feed back on his profile from the ladies (9/27/2007 5:46:40 PM)

Dear MsBearlee

quote:

A must read for submissives! (click here)


Great addition. Thanks
John V.



laurell3 -> RE: Male sub needs feed back on his profile from the ladies (9/27/2007 7:34:55 PM)

Defintely spell check and grammar check it, there's a few obvious errors that are distracting.  I'm not sure it's too wordy, there are a few places where maybe a space would make it easier to read.
Overall, it's about you and I think it's good in that it provides alot of information about you...and it's your choice what to put in it.  Just a suggestion, it seemed a little stiff to me and I judging from what you are posting here you don't seem to be that stiff.  It's hard to know how you come off to others and everyone might interpret it differently, so meh, what do I know? 
l 



TNstepsout -> RE: Male sub needs feed back on his profile from the ladies (9/27/2007 8:21:22 PM)

Over all I think it's quite nice. It gives me a very good sense of your personality and character.  Right now I'm having trouble with men who seem to have trouble communicating, so it is a breath of fresh air to read a profile from someone open and frank about themselves.



SusanofO -> RE: Male sub needs feed back on his profile from the ladies (9/27/2007 8:21:53 PM)

I thought it was sweet, upfront, and sincere sounding. Nice job, overall, IMO. Slightly long, though. Read through it again, and see if there are some sentences you can cut, where you might have already said much the same thing somewhere else in your narrative. I know how this goes, I can write things that are too lengthy at times, myself. 

Just one little thing- the word in the first paragraph is spelled encouraged, not encoraged.

- Susan



GoddessDustyGold -> RE: Male sub needs feed back on his profile from the ladies (9/27/2007 11:19:04 PM)

There is a domneering quality to your profile that is a bit offputting for Me.  But then,  I am not seeking a submissive...I do seek slaves.  And you make the point of differentiating in your profile, by stating up front that you are a submissive and not a slave.  I would, however, be interested in your definition of a "submissive" vs. a "slave".  That might help to clarify and few things.  
That said, there is, as already stated, better ways to come across and may make your profile a bit more inviting and warm.  Right now I get the imrpession that you have already decided how it is going to go, and what the proper FemDom should be.  That may work for you, but we are human and we do not all fit into neat little boxes. 
A good example of what bears out My initial impression in reading your profile is this second post:  
 
quote:

My understanding is that a D/s relationship has components of TPE but a LTR cannot possibly stay at such a fever pitch. That is unsustainable. All negotiations must begin from a position of strength. Reconciling differences means that both sides need to give up something to come to an agreement.


That may be your understanding, but for many FemDoms, there are no "components" of TPE.  Total means total.  Different people certainly have different priorities, but to assume that everything is negotiated on a fair and equal basis, and both must give things up to make it work is arrogant, in My Opinion.  Making those priorities match is the key.  Not negotiating and compromising.  There is no "fever pitch" about it.  Either you can meet Her expectations and She yours, or there is just not a good match.    It is an ongoing relationship dynamic, and if you cannot sustain that, then you need to be clear about it.  I already had that impression, but others may not, and that could cause misunderstandings.   So this quoted response would solidify My initial impression and why you would not be of specific interest to Me as a potential relationship.  I am certainly open to being very fond of a boy and knowing that he has a hard limit regarding a certain form of play.  I can always get that satisfaction elsewhere.  But in the day to day "who is in charge" scenario, I am in charge.  Like it and do it (with a smile, of course!), or don't let the door hit you in the ass on the way out.  And most Ladies I kow who are seeking D/s or M/s relationships have that same mindset. 
I completely respect where you are coming from, and I am sure you will eventually find the Lady who is right for you and the type of D/s relationship you seek. 
I may want to "dominate" (verb) but I am a "dominant" (adjective) Female.  In the terminology of this lifestyle, it is shortened to Dominant.  Not "dominate".  That is an irritant to many of us on the boards, and, I am sure, to many who are just browisng profiles.  You might want to consider fixing that. 
Welcome the boards and good luck in your search!



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