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ColumbusMaster1 -> Some thoughts on online 'Doms and sub safety (9/27/2007 6:49:22 AM)
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The following is an actual email received from a female submissive friend of mine.
and am very dominant. I'll make all the decisions for you. The only thing that you will have to do is what I tell you.
Do you have a "GUN"? You live alone right? I'll explained as I go. I have a feeling that there will be an attack of some sort before too long. When that happens, either all hell will break lose or everything that we know as being right will fall into chaos. You will have to have one to protect your self. And you will have to know how to use it, not be afraid to shoot some one. I am not telling you this to scare you, but if your going to be with me you will have to know about things like this. Do you know someone that will tell you where to go to get one? They cost a good part of a $1000.00 for a good one. Do not register it with any authority. Don't tell anyone that you have one either.
I have to go eat supper, will finish this in the next letter tonight yet.
I will expect a letter from you every day to my email . I want to know all about you
As one who has had an interest in Ds since high school and been active in the scene, off and on, for decades, both here and in Europe, I am continually astounded by those 'Doms' here who take insulting female submissives and coming on to people they have never met in the crudest manner as a matter of course.While there are vast differences in the scene between the US and Europe, the fact remains that there are several sources of information on the Internet available to those with an interest in learning, especially about submissive safety.
Sites like 43things.com list extensive guidelines and advice on Dom/sub behavior. One would think that those 'Dom's' who have just run down to Lowe's to buy a cropand start calling themselves 'Master', and/or come on to a female submissive with lines like 'On your knees' would at least take the time to seek out and read these guidelines. But no. They are too often caught up in their own warped view of what Ds is all about. And that definition is dead wrong. They aren't even in the same universe.
Ds is CONSENSUAL play. Anything else is abuse. The typical submissive in Ds is a very strong person, not a doormat. Very often they are in positions of great responsibility and power in their professional and or private vanilla lives. Constantly responsible for decision after decision, they seek the pleasures inherent in VOLUNTARILY ceeding control and responsibility for a time. They just want to relax, go with the flow and let somebody else be in charge for awhile. There are other folks interested in Ds who have interests in and urges relating to certain kinks, acts or fetishes that they feel conflict with a strict upbringing. Therefore one way of addressing these needs is simply not to be responsible for them. After all, when you are bound and under orders to do certain kinky things, its not your 'fault' You aren't the one giving orders. And they are free to indulge their kinkiest desires.
Whichever is a prime motivator for a submissive, how does either of these factors make that submissive an object of scorn, somebody to talk down to?? Think about the mental trauma these online wannabee phonies are causing to those sincere submissives eager to discover and explore what are often newly realized needs. Its truly tragic. And that damage is not constrained to the mental. New submissives, so eager to please and learn, have been physically hurt time and time again by clueless newbies who are either inexperienced, or abusive criminals masquerading as Doms. Myself as well as some 'interesting' friends of mine (Navy Seals, Rangers ) have had to, at times, become involved in dispensing 'wall to wall counseling' to abusers masquerading as Doms.
So a word of advice to any abuser out there who might be contemplating hurting somebody under my protection. Think about it, hard, real hard.
There are as many takes on DS as people in it. And that's fine. But nobody has the right to lay their definition, their trip on you and declare that its the ONLY way. That is nonsense. In the best Ds clubs in Germany or Denmark, such an attitude would be laughed out of the room. As it should be. Ds can be so wonderfully exciting and satisfying with the synergy created by two people satisfying each others needs. It can be almost beyond what words can describe. It is up to the two people involved to determine where they are, where they would like to go. And then how to get there.
So the bottom line is this. If you are new to the scene do the research on web sites like 43things.com. There is plenty of advice out there. You don't have to like or agree with all of it, (I don't), but much of it is useful and valid.I always strongly advice a new submissive to try and get involved with a local group first. Go to a munch I know that many are very much afraid to do that. Sometimes they just don't want the public exposure. or they don't know what to expect at a munch. So maybe a llittle insight here. A munch is nothing but a dinner with other like minded folks. Typically the group is completely indistinguishable from any other group in a restaurant. The dress, manner and talk is essentially sedate. As everybody was new once, these are people who understand your feelings and concerns and will look after you. You get to meet and talk to people up close and personal and I feel that generally it is by far the best way to get involved in Ds. Now there are times when someone just doesn't like the type of people involved in a particular group. If thats the case you won't know until you attend a munch and then try and hook up with a different group.
Do not let ANYBODY define BDSM for you. If someone acts like an ass trying to give you orders from the start, something they have no right at all to do, you know you are dealing with a phony. I have had new submissives tell me they really are not sure how to respond to such obviously clueless jerks. So as a public service allow me to present some of my favorite responses.
3) "OK Dan Akroyd from the early Saturday Night Live doing Highway Patrol's Broderick Crawford as an online wannabee 'Dom'..... right? right? "
2) "I bet you're eating with a dull spoon as they won't let you have any sharp objects."
1) "Get off your fat ass, get into that kitchen and make me a mother-fuckin' ham sandwich"!
A true Dom, a real Master or Mistress is first, a gentleman, gentlewoman ...unless provoked. And if you EVER hear the phrase 'you are not a true sub' RUN, don't walk away. For they are truly clueless.
And you deserve better.
Thanks for reading.
ColumbusMaster
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