Venting

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flowspen -> Venting (9/28/2007 12:30:25 PM)
Why is it that you can never meet a person you connect with locally? Why are they always so far away? I have noticed that Dominants and subs on here are frustrated with the types of people we meet to how we communicate to each other. Today I feel limited as a sub as to what I can say to a Mistress past the initial introduction. If I mention things I like I am labled as someone who just wants sex or to play, if I talk about myself I am labeled as indulgent, if I just listen to them, I am told I am boring and lack personality. If I talk about limits or anything like I am told I am pushing. So I am out of ideas, I don’t know what to say to a Mistress besides, Hi my name is troy and I am a submissive like I am in some type of AA meeting. On the flip side I do meet those that I do connect with and we have the best talks, we talk about everything from spiritual matters to sex to relationships to work. Now all those people of course have me stuck in the friend zone and trust me for a vanilla guy or a submissive guy that is the kiss of death being in that zone. Talk about torture. But some of my favorite people are from this group because at least I can be myself and be accepted without a label. There are so many male subs and so little Dominant Women it is so hard to get one Mistress to even write You back after You have done an introduction to them. How does a male sub stand out in the crowed without having to be labeled as something? If I write to anyone on these boards I get replies maybe because reading each other comments enables that cutesy. However outside of this board I write detailed introductions even with personality and 99 percent of them are ignored. What is wrong with taking a few minutes and acknowledging that a person spent the time to read your profile in detail, spent the time to word a specific email just for You, and put his heart and soul into it? I feel like when I write someone in Phoenix, Texas, LA or even main they are all so polite and they write back and we become on line friends or something yet when I write someone that is close enough where something beautiful can happen like a D/s relationship or something then communications is an issue, or I get labeled easily (labled as only looking for pleasures ) for saying one word like Queening. I have to wonder if people really want to meet, when someone says Local do they really mean I don’t want to meet in real life because the closer I live to a Mistress the more picky they are and the more labels I receive and the harder it is to communicate and be myself. It just seems like the closer you are to someone the more barriers are placed up to keep you away, unless You agree to only be a friend and then well your free to talk about anything without being labeled.

mnottertail -> RE: Venting (9/28/2007 12:39:20 PM)
I feel you, but you should move to the hinterlands of Minnesota and try and snag something.... But; the rules of life you move out of Memphis, let's just say to New York City, you won't be able to find a damn soul in New York City, they will all be in Memphis-------- But, hey!!!! If this shit was easy everybody would be doing it. Take heart. Ron

DiurnalVampire -> RE: Venting (9/28/2007 12:43:38 PM)
We have talked about this. Distance creates comfort. A Mistress in another state, or country, is far more likely to chat without the picky restrictions becasue she isnt terribly concerns with your being a realtime servant. When I chat with someone who has realistic possibilities I am far pickier with what I want than when I simply discuss ideas with a submissive who has no plans to move to serve me on a regular basis. Situations as they are, you are at a disadvantage to many. While they dont mind discussion, your perosonal situation takes you out of their runnings as a prospect. Finding someone good takes time, lots and lots of time. First figure out what you are looking for, and learn how to convey that with sincerity but without making it sound like you are spinning a fantasy. It will help. DV

flowspen -> RE: Venting (9/28/2007 1:03:36 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: mnottertail I feel you, but you should move to the hinterlands of Minnesota and try and snag something.... But; the rules of life you move out of Memphis, let's just say to New York City, you won't be able to find a damn soul in New York City, they will all be in Memphis-------- But, hey!!!! If this shit was easy everybody would be doing it. Take heart. Ron Exactly when i lived in Philadelphia i kept meeting so many from the south and now that i am here they have vanished or migrated up north.

flowspen -> RE: Venting (9/28/2007 1:40:39 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: DiurnalVampire We have talked about this. Distance creates comfort. A Mistress in another state, or country, is far more likely to chat without the picky restrictions becasue she isnt terribly concerns with your being a realtime servant. When I chat with someone who has realistic possibilities I am far pickier with what I want than when I simply discuss ideas with a submissive who has no plans to move to serve me on a regular basis. Situations as they are, you are at a disadvantage to many. While they dont mind discussion, your perosonal situation takes you out of their runnings as a prospect. Finding someone good takes time, lots and lots of time. First figure out what you are looking for, and learn how to convey that with sincerity but without making it sound like you are spinning a fantasy. It will help. DV i have a really great idea of what i am looking for but i am told by many that i will achieve that unless i get rid of my partner. That pretty much leaves me with just being someones play partner or fantasy sub. i would like to believe that everyone i talk to here realizes i am sincere with what i say to them because i am. If service isn't available then what really is left but play time, since there will be no bonding or deep connection because almost everyone feels they will be lacking or what i have to offer is automatically worth nothing. So what is left after that? i know for my situation the two solution that is possible and that is with seeking couples or diving completely into the Poly life which i dont mind doing but of course my partner is a woman and since the Male Doms are different than the Women Doms she isn't as on fire for that idea because she can pull a Dom just from blinking at them. Ahhh.. You know what i am upset and Your my friend so why am i taking it out on You. i should be taking it out on Her, she said my partner was not an issue but i guess maybe it is. Every thought in my head says to just forget it and walk away but something inside me wont allow that to happen and i wish i could just let all of this go because it isnt worth it.

LadyPact -> RE: Venting (9/28/2007 1:56:37 PM)
Yes, sometimes the 'everyone interesting lives everywhere else' syndrome can get on a person's nerves. Trust Me. I'm in the south as well. Not to mention one of the most bass ackwards towns as far as BDSM is concerned. When I talk to other transplants who have moved here, We have an immediate bond over the shock of the lack of things like clubs, etc. The fact that I even found a boy in this town amazes Me to no end. However, keep in mind that this is the first one I've found in three years that was compatible and less than 100 miles away. The others were semi-local, meaning within a couple of hours drive. So, when I say it does work both ways, I can promise you that it's true. Compatibility and distance can be hard to match up. Then again, I also think that relates to less scrutiny when folks are further away. When distance is an issue, there are some things that aren't a problem, because there's no real contact. For example, there are submissives who are anti smoking that would never match with Me because I smoke, but via long distance, that's not a problem because of not being in the same room. On the net, I look wonderful, but they wouldn't really want to be in My breathing space for long. Make sense? So far, you're making a good impression here. The threads you post are generally well thought out, and you are obviously polite when people respond to them. Just hang in there. Oh, one minor thing. I hope you're saving the Queening subject for the second email when you're making contacts.

flowspen -> RE: Venting (9/28/2007 3:21:26 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: LadyPact Yes, sometimes the 'everyone interesting lives everywhere else' syndrome can get on a person's nerves. Trust Me. I'm in the south as well. Not to mention one of the most bass ackwards towns as far as BDSM is concerned. When I talk to other transplants who have moved here, We have an immediate bond over the shock of the lack of things like clubs, etc. The fact that I even found a boy in this town amazes Me to no end. However, keep in mind that this is the first one I've found in three years that was compatible and less than 100 miles away. The others were semi-local, meaning within a couple of hours drive. So, when I say it does work both ways, I can promise you that it's true. Compatibility and distance can be hard to match up. Then again, I also think that relates to less scrutiny when folks are further away. When distance is an issue, there are some things that aren't a problem, because there's no real contact. For example, there are submissives who are anti smoking that would never match with Me because I smoke, but via long distance, that's not a problem because of not being in the same room. On the net, I look wonderful, but they wouldn't really want to be in My breathing space for long. Make sense? So far, you're making a good impression here. The threads you post are generally well thought out, and you are obviously polite when people respond to them. Just hang in there. Oh, one minor thing. I hope you're saving the Queening subject for the second email when you're making contacts. Lady Pact: there is so much information at times i forget some of it as yes i have been told that the futher one is away the more safe they are to talk to vs. being in your back yard. How much does someone have to give or give up in order to be happy in this lifestyle? How much change do they have to willing to go through to prove themselves to another? it does make sense about the distance and i have to get use to that is how it is. Her and i have been talking a good 3 weeks now via email and IM plus two or three phone calls. We mainly talked about vanilla things and maybe meeting up one day. i had grew to the point where i wanted to know more about her or know someting about her D/s side so that i wouldn't end up in that darn friend zone with her. i feel if Your conversation is always vanilla you will become a permenant friend. All my other prospects we had allready started talking about many things including BDSM but not with this one. Thank You.. troy

TNstepsout -> RE: Venting (9/28/2007 7:13:45 PM)
I think there is definately a safety in distance that allows people to be more open and honest. If there is no fear of ruining the connection it's easier to be yourself. For me there is more pressure to hurry through the emails, then the online chat, then the phone call, then the meet. It feels like I'm on some tight schedule or something. When I talk to someone at a distance there is a feeling that we are chatting or exchanging emails because we genuinely enjoy one anothers company. When it's local it feels like it's just part of a job that has to get done to get to the good stuff. Which in the long run just makes the whole thing harder. It's really a shame that it works that way. It would really be easier if people could be themselves no matter the situation.

laurell3 -> RE: Venting (9/28/2007 8:07:55 PM)
Troy you've never struck me as anything but honest and sincere. Talk to them like you talk here, if they have some preconceived forumla about what a sub must or must not say, then it's probably good you saw that in the beginning. Keep in mind, people you talk to in the personals may not be all that real and/or sane. Don't assume it's you, from what you've posted here, I don't think it is. Be who you are, be true to yourself, but be very patient. l

crouchingtigress -> RE: Venting (9/28/2007 8:29:28 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: flowspen Why is it that you can never meet a person you connect with locally? Why are they always so far away? I have noticed that Dominants and subs on here are frustrated with the types of people we meet to how we communicate to each other. Today I feel limited as a sub as to what I can say to a Mistress past the initial introduction. If I mention things I like I am labled as someone who just wants sex or to play, if I talk about myself I am labeled as indulgent, if I just listen to them, I am told I am boring and lack personality. If I talk about limits or anything like I am told I am pushing. So I am out of ideas, I don’t know what to say to a Mistress besides, Hi my name is troy and I am a submissive like I am in some type of AA meeting. On the flip side I do meet those that I do connect with and we have the best talks, we talk about everything from spiritual matters to sex to relationships to work. Now all those people of course have me stuck in the friend zone and trust me for a vanilla guy or a submissive guy that is the kiss of death being in that zone. Talk about torture. But some of my favorite people are from this group because at least I can be myself and be accepted without a label. There are so many male subs and so little Dominant Women it is so hard to get one Mistress to even write You back after You have done an introduction to them. How does a male sub stand out in the crowed without having to be labeled as something? If I write to anyone on these boards I get replies maybe because reading each other comments enables that cutesy. However outside of this board I write detailed introductions even with personality and 99 percent of them are ignored. What is wrong with taking a few minutes and acknowledging that a person spent the time to read your profile in detail, spent the time to word a specific email just for You, and put his heart and soul into it? I feel like when I write someone in Phoenix, Texas, LA or even main they are all so polite and they write back and we become on line friends or something yet when I write someone that is close enough where something beautiful can happen like a D/s relationship or something then communications is an issue, or I get labeled easily (labled as only looking for pleasures ) for saying one word like Queening. I have to wonder if people really want to meet, when someone says Local do they really mean I don’t want to meet in real life because the closer I live to a Mistress the more picky they are and the more labels I receive and the harder it is to communicate and be myself. It just seems like the closer you are to someone the more barriers are placed up to keep you away, unless You agree to only be a friend and then well your free to talk about anything without being labeled. ok , might i invite you to look at your languaging? the way you are thinking things are is how they become. i have always loved this quote: Watch your thoughts; they become words. Watch your words; they become actions. Watch your actions; they become habits. Watch your habits; they become character. Watch your character; it becomes your destiny. this quote changed my life, just recently whan i stopped saying how there are no good doms on my tiny island, and with in a week i have 3 very interesting potentials... just something to keep in mind.

PsyVamp -> RE: Venting (9/28/2007 9:20:00 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: flowspen Why is it that you can never meet a person you connect with locally? Why are they always so far away? Sometimes things work out and sometimes they do not. When my pet and I met on this site, we lived 2000 miles away, now he sleeps at the foot of my bed (if he isn't in it [;)]). We exchanged a few emails here, then went to personal IM and personal email. We also had one or two phone conversations but as I'm not one that likes to chat on my cell, most communication was by IM.. for hours a night (I remember falling asleep during one or two of those, lol). When things are meant to work out, or if people are willing to make them work, distance doesn't have to be an issue. Psy... currently smiling at her pet (who turned out to be a very good cook)

YesMistressIrish -> RE: Venting (9/29/2007 3:19:13 AM)
“Wisdom is oft times nearer when we stoop than when we soar.” William Wordsworth Venting is good. Call me! Miss Irish, who understands.

ShiftedJewel -> RE: Venting (9/29/2007 5:50:30 AM)
You probably don't know this, because your a submissive and because I don't think you would have problems talking politely to anyone from the next door neighbor to someone in another country... but the same in reverse is true as well. The closer a female dominant is in proximity to a male sub, the less the chance are he'll answer even the first email. I've emailed males that are easily within one hours distance from me only to have them delete their profile. *Real life is a lot scarier then online.* *Jewel*

pixelslave -> RE: Venting (9/30/2007 7:35:34 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: flowspen Her and i have been talking a good 3 weeks now via email and IM plus two or three phone calls. We mainly talked about vanilla things and maybe meeting up one day. i had grew to the point where i wanted to know more about her or know someting about her D/s side so that i wouldn't end up in that darn friend zone with her. i feel if Your conversation is always vanilla you will become a permenant friend. All my other prospects we had allready started talking about many things including BDSM but not with this one. flowspen, All of 3 weeks huh? What's the big hurry? Everyone moves at their own pace. It sounds to me as though you rushed things with this woman and didn't listen to the signals she may have been giving you to slow down. Dominants don't especially like "pushy subs". Some will put you in your place by setting boundaries for themselves and then allow things to move forward from there. In general, I suggest you let the dominant set the pace and follow the hints and directives she will give you. There will be little "tests", whether you realize it or not. [;)] It takes time to get to know someone in a vanilla relationship and even longer in a relationship where a D/s dynamic is part of the eventual plan if compatibility in other areas is established. IMO, many seem to try and approach it backwards. They do the BDSM or D/s thing first, before they try to get to know the important things (including the little ones that count) about the other person and develop the basis for a lasting relationship. If you first take the time to develop the friendship & establish compatibility for a more intimate relationship, the BDSM and D/s part of the relationship you desire will naturally seem to follow once the basis for it is there. [&:] I suggest you just be yourself and follow her lead. There's really no hurry if you're enjoying each other's company as you take the time to get to know one another. Let yourself enjoy the dance. Both of you can tease and entice while you let the desire and interest build! Once it does and she's ready for more, she'll know how to let you know. Part of submission is learning to have patience and just letting her take control. [:D] - pixel Collared to Majik

flowspen -> RE: Venting (9/30/2007 7:53:29 AM)
Thank You everyone.. we did decide to make a joint page and it is now up and running. We will see how that goes as far as the other things i am just going to hang out for awhile. :)

BossyBitchyGirl -> RE: Venting (10/1/2007 9:29:43 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: ShiftedJewel You probably don't know this, because your a submissive and because I don't think you would have problems talking politely to anyone from the next door neighbor to someone in another country... but the same in reverse is true as well. The closer a female dominant is in proximity to a male sub, the less the chance are he'll answer even the first email. I've emailed males that are easily within one hours distance from me only to have them delete their profile. *Real life is a lot scarier then online.* *Jewel* yes this happened to me tonite, I was trading emails with a potential slave, voila his account is deleted, this of course after he claims to offer a large weekly allowance to his Mistress, of course, nothing is real until it's real, but I hate to think I was just some little beta's online amusement for the evening, or that I was wasting my time....

Switchsubcouple -> RE: Venting (10/2/2007 5:08:34 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: BossyBitchyGirl quote: ORIGINAL: ShiftedJewel You probably don't know this, because your a submissive and because I don't think you would have problems talking politely to anyone from the next door neighbor to someone in another country... but the same in reverse is true as well. The closer a female dominant is in proximity to a male sub, the less the chance are he'll answer even the first email. I've emailed males that are easily within one hours distance from me only to have them delete their profile. *Real life is a lot scarier then online.* *Jewel* yes this happened to me tonite, I was trading emails with a potential slave, voila his account is deleted, this of course after he claims to offer a large weekly allowance to his Mistress, of course, nothing is real until it's real, but I hate to think I was just some little beta's online amusement for the evening, or that I was wasting my time.... i have been told that this happens to Dominants as well and is not only the subs that live through this. Why is it that we attract those types and not attract the ones who are on the same page as us?

twistedwillow -> RE: Venting (10/2/2007 8:14:00 AM)
As so many have said, online is safe, rl is scary. Perservere you will both get there eventually. twisted

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