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when real life interferes with real time - 9/29/2007 7:57:19 AM

LadyMarmalade1

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My sub and I are finally living together, after three years of many interruptions, we thought that having our own house without parents and flatmates and everything else would make it easier for us to live our Ds life more regularly. But then real life began.
Now my sub has a full time job (none of his jobs before were as full time as this one), and is working quite late into the nights, as well as all day Saturdays. His only day off is filled with helping me with the shopping, bills, me, and family.
I, his Mistress, come home from work generally at 6.00 with enough time to get groceries, make dinner and clean up. On Saturdays, I try to get all the laundry and ironing out of the way for the week.
My sub really is exausted after work. But to be honest I am too, from being on my feet all day (not an office job) and while I know that he loves me and submits to me, I feel like he doesnt serve me much any more. I know his heart is that of a true sub and I know that he gets frustrated because lately we dont seem to have a Ds relationship at all. I also know that if I order him to do the household chores as well as serving me, it just won't get done.

I know this is real life (and I know there are many wanna-be subs out there that will read this and not like the reality of it) but I was wondering if anyone has any advice for me (us) to bring the Ds back into our lives.

Thanks in advance,
Lady Marmalade

Post #: 1

RE: when real life interferes with real time - 9/29/2007 8:01:29 AM

chickpea

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From: Los Angeles Area
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Well, if you're a sadist, you can wait 'til all the dirt and garbage around the house piles up until the weekend. Then with the tons of crap, watch him suffer through the cleanup on the weekends.
Only problem I guess is that you'll have to still put up with all the junk being left around the house everyday after work. Sounds like you guys need a routine to mix life and BDSM... like this time is play time (work for the Mistress), and this time is work time (work for the Mistress).

(in reply to LadyMarmalade1)

Post #: 2

RE: when real life interferes with real time - 9/29/2007 8:11:10 AM

LadyMarmalade1

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if only I could just ignore a mess... actually I can, but when it comes to food and clean clothes I can't.

(in reply to chickpea)

Post #: 3

RE: when real life interferes with real time - 9/29/2007 8:34:19 AM

chickpea

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From: Los Angeles Area
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quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyMarmalade1

if only I could just ignore a mess... actually I can, but when it comes to food and clean clothes I can't.

Hrmm that's tough. Maybe you can put BDSM off for now until things settle down and get into a routine where you can start working BDSM back in your life? Maybe set aside some BDSM time where he has to listen?

(in reply to LadyMarmalade1)

Post #: 4

RE: when real life interferes with real time - 9/29/2007 8:43:35 AM

LadyMarmalade1

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Joined: 2/26/2006
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I think that's what I've got to do. for example, I finished all the laundry today, and planned to make time for Ds tonight, but he's to be working late. I think we will have to just sit down and schedule in times and days... how fun is that?
I know there's worse things happening in the world, but real life is not easy. Argggg

M

(in reply to chickpea)

Post #: 5

RE: when real life interferes with real time - 9/29/2007 9:02:46 AM

MissMorrigan

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Lady Marmalade, interesting post as this also applies to my relationship with my sub. We moved in together some months ago and found it difficult to juggle our commitments in our everyday lives with those we have with one another.

As a result of the complexities of juggling work/friends/family, etc... we have set aside Sundays which are strictly our days wherein we shut out the world and focus solely on us. To help maintain the structure of our relationship we still include those rituals which must be adhered to, even tiny little things help. For instance, whenever Reality (that is my sub) is in the home he must dress a certain way and wear his collar, his collar is only to be removed for showering/shaving purposes, or just before he leaves the house - the moment he returns it goes back on. Also, there are our waking rituals and I'll add a little spark to our bedtime routine when I can.

During the weekday evenings I still enjoy my footrubs, which are wonderfully relaxing and help somewhat to relieve the tedium of the day. But overall, Sundays can't come quickly enough for us both.

Something else I'll add also, we have constructed a list of 'sessions' for our Sundays which we both add to as and when we think of them. Some of the sessions fill him with dread, BUT, on the other hand, he also becomes excited at the anticipation of wondering when he'll be subjected to them.

As for every day chores. I can't just sit back and expect him to do everything while maintaining a full-time job, so I'll wash up on days where his schedule is pretty heavy/put on laundry too. It's give and take, we have to compromise in order to maintain a good balance.

It does help to draw up a schedule of who does what and when, then each knows what is expected of them.

< Message edited by MissMorrigan -- 9/29/2007 9:04:07 AM >

(in reply to LadyMarmalade1)

Post #: 6

RE: when real life interferes with real time - 9/29/2007 9:11:26 AM

thetammyjo

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Daily rituals and rules that fit neatly and simply into your life.

Also you may want to reflect on why he has a job like the one he has. How necessary is it financially?

_____________________________

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And my LJ where I post fiction in progress if you "friend" me at http://thetammyjo.livejournal.com/

(in reply to LadyMarmalade1)

Post #: 7

RE: when real life interferes with real time - 9/29/2007 9:36:12 AM

LadyMarmalade1

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Tammy Jo, yes we do need him working. It took him a while before he found this job and he seems to (sort of) like it, despite the long hours. From our experience its either this or nothing, unfortunately.

Miss Morigan, thanks for your experience, knowing someone else is going through it and that you've figured out a system makes it easier for me to think about.

I like the idea of making a list of the sessions. it looks like Sunday will also become "our" day. I'm looking forward to it.

Thank you both for your ideas.

M

(in reply to thetammyjo)

Post #: 8

RE: when real life interferes with real time - 9/29/2007 9:49:04 AM

MissMorrigan

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Lady Marmalade, you're more than welcome. The D/s structure of our relationship is most important as it's our foundation, the little rituals are just added as reinforcements.

I have to go out now, but if you'd like to discuss this further, please feel free to memo me or I'll revisit this thread as and when I can.

(in reply to LadyMarmalade1)

Post #: 9

RE: when real life interferes with real time - 9/29/2007 10:03:10 AM

LadyMarmalade1

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Joined: 2/26/2006
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Thanks again. I'm also going out for the evening.
Ds i need to remind myself sometimes is also how our "relationship" was founded... but maybe it was complicated with the friendship at the beginning and thats why it's easy for us to slip back into a vanilla type life.

Good luck to everyone out there, relationships in general i guess aren't always easy.

M

(in reply to MissMorrigan)

Post #: 10

RE: when real life interferes with real time - 9/29/2007 11:39:02 AM

MissMorrigan

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Himself is sorting dinner, so I have ten minutes.

The transitional period IS difficult. We thought it would be very easy but found quite the opposite and it's taken a considerable amount of hard work from us both to formulate the D/s structure as we wanted it. It's ever evolving and one thing I encountered initially was if I allowed things to slide Reality started becoming willfully disobedient and there was a time when I floundered. He was crying out for me to take charge and I was looking for reassurance that I could actually do exactly that once again.

What was most important to us was/is each other and thankfully, once we outlined the perameters once again, we have established a sound D/s relationship, but we're ever mindful that we need to keep working at it.

Time I was off again, have a lovely afternoon/evening and you are welcome to email me where I can perhaps provide more informed details as to how we overcame our difficulties, strengthening our relationship.

J

(in reply to LadyMarmalade1)

Post #: 11

RE: when real life interferes with real time - 9/29/2007 2:10:57 PM

brightspot

Posts: 3052
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Hummmm, 3 years of interuptions?
Did you discuss how you were to incorporate real life with
your BDSM life during those 3 years?

How did you incorporate it before you moved in together?

Really, for myself everything would have been pretty clear if we had been
communicating for 3 years. But then I am a very organized minded individual.

It sounds as this was what your relationship was based on (WIITWD) and thus
your basic base of your relationship. You were the Domina and him the submissive,
yet you find yourself doing laundry, dishes, cleaning up on the weekends....I don't
know? for me, there is something wrong in this picture, my Domina would never be
doing those things.
It sounds basically turned vanilla to me with a bit of kink stirred in, if he
is not too tired.

If the relationship is now more important even though pretty much vanilla, then there
ya go. Otherwise, if BDSM is/was the important factor. I think you as the Domina should
examine the situation and make changes that are going to benefit that important piece of
the relationship or let the relationship power base crumble.

Life is what you want and and work hard to make it.

Missy.

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(in reply to MissMorrigan)

Post #: 12

RE: when real life interferes with real time - 9/29/2007 4:12:43 PM

Celeste43

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From: NYS
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You need to get the house organized and keep it that way. Even half an hour a night picking up clutter, once it is all organized will help keep it clean.

And can you hire a cleaning service once every two weeks? Drop laundry off at the laundromat and pay them to wash it for you? Because anything somebody else does, you two don't have to do.

(in reply to brightspot)

Post #: 13

RE: when real life interferes with real time - 9/29/2007 4:16:50 PM

jdtallfem

Posts: 180
Joined: 10/8/2006
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I realize this seems almost "anti sublike" but if you're both working your tails off, all hours of the day and night, you might want to either 1. consider hiring a part time vanilla housekeeper as my alpha ex and I did when we both had round the clock jobs. I would order the help around which gave me great pleasure or 2. find a willing, happy service sub in all your emails who wanted to clean your house once or twice a week and develop a poly relationship with this person if your sub agrees.
Whatever your lifestyle will take.

(in reply to brightspot)

Post #: 14

RE: when real life interferes with real time - 9/29/2007 5:14:12 PM

thetammyjo

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Joined: 9/8/2005
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quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyMarmalade1

Tammy Jo, yes we do need him working. It took him a while before he found this job and he seems to (sort of) like it, despite the long hours. From our experience its either this or nothing, unfortunately.

Miss Morigan, thanks for your experience, knowing someone else is going through it and that you've figured out a system makes it easier for me to think about.

I like the idea of making a list of the sessions. it looks like Sunday will also become "our" day. I'm looking forward to it.

Thank you both for your ideas.

M

Setting aside time then plus daily rituals and rules should help a lot.

There's the fantasy of 24/7 and then there is the reality. Work with what you have and make sure you focus it on maintaining your dynamic while allowing flexibility for things life will throw your way.

_____________________________

Love, Peace, Hugs, Kisses, Whips & Chains,

TammyJo

Check out my website at http://www.thetammyjo.com Or www.tammyjoeckhart.com

And my LJ where I post fiction in progress if you "friend" me at http://thetammyjo.livejournal.com/

(in reply to LadyMarmalade1)

Post #: 15

RE: when real life interferes with real time - 9/29/2007 5:28:40 PM

slaveluci

Posts: 4294
Joined: 3/2/2007
From: Little Rock, AR
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quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyMarmalade1
I think that's what I've got to do. for example, I finished all the laundry today, and planned to make time for Ds tonight, but he's to be working late. I think we will have to just sit down and schedule in times and days... how fun is that?

Hello LadyMarmalade,
This sounds like a familiar situation. Master and I live together and, since I began a 40 hr. a week job, I can relate to what you're saying. Master also works full-time and our schedules rarely coincide well. For instance, He was just off the past two days while I worked days/evenings. As of 5:00 today, I am off until mid-day Tuesday but He'll be working late nights through most of that time. We have had to adapt to say the least.

First of all, Master does not mind doing any of the household chores. He has been single for several years now and takes no issue with cooking, laundry, etc. He does it well and doesn't see it as only a slave's job. Therefore, He pitches in and we share that load. He's the boss and He really doesn't mind so why not?

Secondly, we get creative. I work about 15 minutes from home and He does as well, though in slightly different directions. On days like today when I took lunch at 1 pm and He doesn't have to be at work until 3, He stopped and bought us lunch and came by my workplace. We walked outside and sat on a bench by a pond/fountain and sat there talking, eating, and just being together. He called me on His lunch break just a bit ago and He'll be home by around 11. We just do what we have to do. We always get up with each other and spend time together before work as well. When I get home well before He does, I take a nap so I can get up and spend some time with Him late at night when He gets in. It's all about juggling things and being determined to spend any time we can together. We MAKE it work out

.

No, it's not wild and impulsive to have to schedule time together but we do it because we are not going to allow both of us working to keep us apart anymore than necessary. We both need to work so we do. But, as has been mentioned around here before, our jobs don't "master" us. Sure, we have to adhere to work schedules. But work doesn't take top priority in our lives. If we lose a little extra sleep making our schedules mesh better, so be it.

As for "making time for D/s" as you wrote, I'm assuming you mean for "play" or physical activities. At least for us, D/s (more specifically M/s) is always in action. Making time for the more physical parts is harder, sure. But even without as much of that on occasion, the dynamic is still well in place as I'm sure yours is. If you are both committed to making it work out, sit down and figure out just how to do so. If you have to divvy up chores and schedule time together, do it. It's not the ideal but it's the best you can do for the time being it seems. Best of luck................luci

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Post #: 16

RE: when real life interferes with real time - 9/29/2007 9:21:30 PM

ededwards

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Joined: 8/27/2007
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Can you afford to send your wash out and let someone else do it? I'd give up a few nights out to dinner a month for a laundry service.

(in reply to LadyMarmalade1)

Post #: 17

RE: when real life interferes with real time - 9/30/2007 4:10:29 AM

LadyMarmalade1

Posts: 103
Joined: 2/26/2006
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Thanks everyone for the advice. I think that we aren't in as bad a situation as I thought. I've talked to coca and we've discussed somethings. For now I don't mind doing chores around the house, as I have the time, and he really doesn't. We will find other ways for him to submit to and serve me. Its going to be ok after all:)

I will be keeping all your ideas in mind though.

Lady Marmalade

(in reply to ededwards)

Post #: 18

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