Collarspace Discussion Forums


Home  Login  Search 

putting my best foot forward


View related threads: (in this forum | in all forums)

Logged in as: Guest
 
All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> Ask a Mistress >> putting my best foot forward Page: [1] 2   next >   >>
Login
Message << Older Topic   Newer Topic >>
putting my best foot forward - 9/29/2007 8:10:12 AM   
jrp1042000


Posts: 1
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline 		i am 33 male sub,when a Mistress asks me tell her about myself ,and i say that i am a newbe untrained sub/slave ,all comuncation ends. How can i try to put my best foot forward/sorda speak. So far being truuthfull  upfront  hasent worked so far. Any and All advice wellcome, jrp1042000
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: putting my best foot forward - 9/29/2007 8:37:46 AM   
LadyPact


Posts: 32566
Status: offline 		Whether you think the honesty is working for you or not, I wouldn't recommend that you give it up.  Such thoughts have to be followed through to the end.  What would the alternative bring you?  Either you will meet someone who is compatible and things will go fine until She discovers that you weren't honest about your experience level and that will be the end of that.  The alternative is that She doesn't figure it out, and you are left with knowing that you started out based on a deception.  Neither works well, IMO.
 
Keep your feet, and the rest of you, honest.

(in reply to jrp1042000)
Profile   Post #: 2
RE: putting my best foot forward - 9/29/2007 10:20:48 AM   
Oumae


Posts: 911
Joined: 1/4/2005
Status: offline 		Just an idea.... but if I asked someone to tell me about themselves I would be looking to hear about them as a person not a impersonal reply like that.  So maybe if you try and relax and talk to them as a person it might help.

Oumae

_____________________________

Is cuma le fear na mbrog ca leagann se a chos.
( The man with the boots does not mind where he places his foot)

(in reply to jrp1042000)
Profile   Post #: 3
RE: putting my best foot forward - 9/29/2007 10:40:08 AM   
MsSonnetMarwood


Posts: 1898
Joined: 2/10/2005
From: Eastern Shore, Maryland
Status: offline 		I'd agree that you need to offer up some things about yourself that make you interesting as a whole person, rather than just the negative that you're a novice.  Believe me, if you don't like each other on a vanilla level, any BDSM relationship will either be a non-starter or short-lived at best.

You can also work on that novice status by spending some serious time of your own learning about the lifestyle (books, etc) AND getting out to a couple local munches and events.    There's an absolute TON of newbies out there that will swear up, down and around that they are intently serious about this lifestyle, but so precious few do anything about it other than troll online for someone to teach them everything.   It's the old addage - actions speak louder than words.   As a Domme, that's what I look for if someone is a novice- that they've done something tangible to learn and make this happen for themselves, to invest in the future they want for themselves.   Sending an email or PM doesn't count for much.

So when you do things like this, you can say (rather than the off-putting newbie/novice), "Hey, I don't have much experience BUT I've gone out to 2 munches and met some cool people, and I've also read X non-fiction book" which will put you head and shoulders over the other dozen newbies that have emailed the Domme that week.   You might even meet someone during your travels and explorations.

_____________________________

~Ms. Sonnet Marwood~

Deja Moo: The feeling you've heard this bull somewhere before.

(in reply to Oumae)
Profile   Post #: 4
RE: putting my best foot forward - 9/29/2007 11:39:03 AM   
Saint


Posts: 279
Status: offline 		The best advice possible would be to give up looking within an online community like this one. Even give up looking at munchs and events. Forget all that because quite frankly, you will be in for a lot of dissappointment in the long run. The people at events always stay the same and you always see the same faces year after year. So my advice is quite simple. Date within the vanilla world and find someone that you can gradually introduce to this lifestyle. Your chances will be significantly better that way and you will feel like you are making progress and moving forward.

_____________________________

"Anonymity is synonymous with longevity."
Faethor Ferenczy

"I wish I had an angel
For one moment of love
I wish I had your angel tonight"
Nightwish - Wish I had an Angel Tonight

(in reply to MsSonnetMarwood)
Profile   Post #: 5
RE: putting my best foot forward - 9/29/2007 10:22:29 PM   
TheInstrument


Posts: 69
Joined: 9/8/2007
Status: offline 		Well that was disheartening.

(in reply to Saint)
Profile   Post #: 6
RE: putting my best foot forward - 9/29/2007 10:35:29 PM   
obis


Posts: 412
Joined: 9/9/2005
From: Austin, TX, USA
Status: offline 		Be an attractive and compelling person outside of your submissiveness. Why would she choose you over another inexperienced sub? Show that you're bright, funny, able to achieve goals, dedicated, friendly, charming, trustworthy, etc. The same way you'd "seduce" anyone else.

Saying "I don't know what I'm doing, please mold me from scratch" is passive. Be active, just because you haven't served doesn't mean you can't take a class on massage, study leather care, learn how to pot plants, cook Thai food, whatever you think will be a valuable skill to offer. Show her that you're doing more than just sending messages on the internet while jerking off and she'll be more likely to think you're worth investing time and energy in.

(in reply to TheInstrument)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: putting my best foot forward - 9/30/2007 2:59:34 AM   
Saint


Posts: 279
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: obis

Be an attractive and compelling person outside of your submissiveness. Why would she choose you over another inexperienced sub? Show that you're bright, funny, able to achieve goals, dedicated, friendly, charming, trustworthy, etc. The same way you'd "seduce" anyone else.

Saying "I don't know what I'm doing, please mold me from scratch" is passive. Be active, just because you haven't served doesn't mean you can't take a class on massage, study leather care, learn how to pot plants, cook Thai food, whatever you think will be a valuable skill to offer. Show her that you're doing more than just sending messages on the internet while jerking off and she'll be more likely to think you're worth investing time and energy in.


All those things are wonderful things to do in life.... Just not within this lifestyle. In this lifestyle setting goals, achieving them, being dedicated, loyal, etc.etc.ad nauseum ad infintium doesnt mean anything beyond showing yourself that no one else will be like that. Learning, evolving new skills, traits and in general working on being a better person gets you absolutely nowhere fast here. Been there done that for the last 6 years now and all I have seen is that most people within this lifestyle only care about themselves. They dont care about bettering themselves, being a better person, self development or anything else that you care about for yourself. When you start to realize this then you start to also realize that what you are and what you have worked so hard for really is meaningless when it comes to finding someone in this lifestyle to be compatible with.

So as I say, date vanilla and slowly introduce her to this lifestyle because at least then the person you are dating may have similiar goals and aspirations and will also respect your hard work and dedication. Otherwise my friend you are in for one hell of a long and disappointing road filled with a lot of potholes and dead end sidestreets.

_____________________________

"Anonymity is synonymous with longevity."
Faethor Ferenczy

"I wish I had an angel
For one moment of love
I wish I had your angel tonight"
Nightwish - Wish I had an Angel Tonight

(in reply to obis)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: putting my best foot forward - 9/30/2007 5:53:26 AM   
ededwards


Posts: 51
Joined: 8/27/2007
Status: offline 		Network, network, network!!! That Dom who blew you off just might know your perfect match. So even if they do not return your message send a thank you note and ask if there is anything else you can do. Then leave it alone. I have had some sucess with, "have not heard back from you hope all is well with you." I have found that what women really mean when they ask such things is, "tell me how you feel about this wonderful journey were about to embark on." So explain what you think is important to you in life as a real person. Being truthful is never an option.

(in reply to jrp1042000)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: putting my best foot forward - 9/30/2007 11:30:35 AM   
FullfigRIMaam


Posts: 718
Joined: 6/21/2007
Status: offline 		I agree with LadyPact that you should stay with the honesty, as that is the only chance you will have to find someone compatible, but why do you have these things under your "lives for" interests, rather than likes, and maybe stating in your profile these are things you hope to experience with your domina in the future?
quote:


       Bondage (Beginner)

 Hoods
 Masks (Wearing)
 Obedience Training
 Sensory Deprivation
 Vibrators
It probably gives the impression to people who are passionate about those things that you have done them, and enjoyed them, versus someone who's simply been fantasizing, and may freak out and collapse the minute a hood/mask is placed on him.   
Just my opinion of course.   M

< Message edited by FullfigRIMaam -- 9/30/2007 11:31:14 AM >

_____________________________

"touching was and still is and will always be the true revolution" Nikki Giovanni
"Love is the only sane and satisfactory answer to the problem of human existence." Erich Fromm

(in reply to jrp1042000)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: putting my best foot forward - 9/30/2007 12:36:49 PM   
thetammyjo


Posts: 6322
Joined: 9/8/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: jrp1042000

i am 33 male sub,when a Mistress asks me tell her about myself ,and i say that i am a newbe untrained sub/slave ,all comuncation ends. How can i try to put my best foot forward/sorda speak. So far being truuthfull upfront hasent worked so far. Any and All advice wellcome, jrp1042000


See your response is about you in relationship to the scene or to play.

Why not talk about you as a person?

Even if you are newbie you have to have some idea why you are drawn toward Ds, right? Talk about that.

Or talk about what you do for a living, for fun, what hobbies or interests you have. Be certain to ask these same things about her.

I'd also, personally, get rid of the "slave" designation for myself and stick with sub or bottom who may be interested in serving as a slave one day. For me, personally, I never describe myself as a mistress or an owner because I think that requires a dynamic, same for being a slave or a servant in my mind.

_____________________________

Love, Peace, Hugs, Kisses, Whips & Chains,

TammyJo

Check out my website at http://www.thetammyjo.com Or www.tammyjoeckhart.com

And my LJ where I post fiction in progress if you "friend" me at http://thetammyjo.livejournal.com/

(in reply to jrp1042000)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: putting my best foot forward - 9/30/2007 4:30:24 PM   
obis


Posts: 412
Joined: 9/9/2005
From: Austin, TX, USA
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Saint
All those things are wonderful things to do in life.... Just not within this lifestyle.


geez, with such a cheery and fun outlook, it's a wonder you haven't been snatched up already!

I have yet to meet anyone, in any walk of life, who doesn't find funny, interesting people enjoyable to be around.

Sure, seek out vanilla relationships as well, pursue every avenue you have! I recently met the coolest, hottest, femdom -- bar none -- that I've ever known, on a vanilla dating site. Of course we're completely sexually incompatible, but we have tons of fun hanging out together as friends -- we're both bookstore nerds who love people watching and going to live shows here in Austin. She's an awesome wingman, too :D

If I knew a really cool male sub for her I'd totally hook them up. But nobody would get that recommendation unless they were funny and nice and confident and a good person in general. Hot, tall, 28 year old, punk, bass-playing chicks with washboard abs don't have to settle for some guy who sits around bitching about the world. She says she has yet to EVER receive a message from a sub male that actually was compelling and interesting in any way, that made him sound like a guy she'd want to spend time with when he wasn't shining her boots. I suppose you could call it "selfish" that she doesn't want boring, passive, uninteresting people in her life.

(in reply to Saint)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: putting my best foot forward - 9/30/2007 5:06:34 PM   
Saint


Posts: 279
Status: offline 		I havent been snatched up because I have a little thing going for me called standards, ethics and a sense of self-betterment. Does that sound high road? Yes, but only when you consider that I have literally been to hundreds of events over the last few years and repeatedly I see people with things like bad body odor, food on their clothes, unshaven and unclean appearance, bad teeth and an overall desperation to attach themselves to someone, anyone. So I guess if me wanting someone with a love of life, hygene and self pride in their appearance and mentality is wrong than perhaps it is understanding why I havent been snatched up by any of the hundreds of oh so desireable people within this lifestyle. Perhaps it is cynical of me to say that, but the irony of it is that some of the most desireable people within this lifestyle dont publically look anymore. They stay away from public venues, parties, events, munches, whatever all out of sheer disgust.

_____________________________

"Anonymity is synonymous with longevity."
Faethor Ferenczy

"I wish I had an angel
For one moment of love
I wish I had your angel tonight"
Nightwish - Wish I had an Angel Tonight

(in reply to obis)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: putting my best foot forward - 9/30/2007 5:10:47 PM   
PairOfDimes


Posts: 324
Joined: 7/20/2006
Status: offline 		Play up the good qualities, play down the bad. Don't mention your inexperience first thing--it emphasizes it and subtly indicates that YOU think that's your most important quality. Tell her about other, more flattering things first--surely you have some SPECIAL good qualities (everyone loves taking long walks on the beach, and most people new to BDSM are really eager to learn about WIITWD--what makes you interesting?) Then say neutral things and couch them attractively--you might briefly state the kind of relationship you're looking for (romance? playmates? control outside of scenes?), mention hobbies, state pets if you have them.

Also, since you asked generally about putting your best foot forward: work on your writing a bit--use complete sentences, check on grammar and spelling--since online dating involves lots of written communication, it's important to make your language easy to read. A better photo wouldn't hurt, either--maybe something more active and dynamic, perhaps in more appealing attire.

(in reply to jrp1042000)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: putting my best foot forward - 9/30/2007 5:19:05 PM   
realisticwish


Posts: 137
Joined: 1/28/2007
Status: offline 		I for one think you are so cute.  Each time I see you in a search I wish you were closer to Me.   While we are both in TN, we are too far apart for visits in my book.  That being said, I think you are doing the right things you have a lovely smile,  and you are eager to learn.  
 
When someone asks me what I am looking for the first thing is "willingness"!  Being willing to listen and learn means a lot to me.  Next is following instructions not always "bdsm" related but beign able to listen and follow thru. 
 
Keep on putting yourself out there.  Good luck!
 
~J~

(in reply to Saint)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: putting my best foot forward - 10/1/2007 3:02:40 AM   
LadyPact


Posts: 32566
Status: offline 		Just wanted to add that I agree with what other folks have said about being interesting as a person.  Believe it or not, every minute I spend with My sub isn't spent discussion ONLY those things that fall under BDSM.  Part of the reason that he is My sub today is because he was interesting as a person. 
 
As a side note, I'm really surprised that anyone would suggest the method of finding a vanilla partner and then trying to 'convert' them.  Yes, it is possible for it to work, but these boards are also filled with thousands of folks in the same predicament of having a vanilla SO who is NOT into BDSM, and it creates a whole new problem.  Then it becomes a catagory of still having the BDSM desires, but now potentially, there is another person involved who would be very hurt if they are persued.
 
In just My personal experience, most people do look at real life events.  Personally, I do know more people who won't meet others through the net at all, rather than the other way around.  I would suggest that the best way to see what works is to find out for yourself.

(in reply to realisticwish)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: putting my best foot forward - 10/1/2007 4:21:41 AM   
MsSonnetMarwood


Posts: 1898
Joined: 2/10/2005
From: Eastern Shore, Maryland
Status: offline 		The other thing you always want to do  -  if you start a thread, actively participate in said thread.  Discussion is a two way street.

_____________________________

~Ms. Sonnet Marwood~

Deja Moo: The feeling you've heard this bull somewhere before.

(in reply to LadyPact)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: putting my best foot forward - 10/2/2007 8:40:28 AM   
SlaveSubtoserve


Posts: 282
Joined: 6/21/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Saint

I havent been snatched up because I have a little thing going for me called standards, ethics and a sense of self-betterment. Does that sound high road? Yes, but only when you consider that I have literally been to hundreds of events over the last few years and repeatedly I see people with things like bad body odor, food on their clothes, unshaven and unclean appearance, bad teeth and an overall desperation to attach themselves to someone, anyone. So I guess if me wanting someone with a love of life, hygene and self pride in their appearance and mentality is wrong than perhaps it is understanding why I havent been snatched up by any of the hundreds of oh so desireable people within this lifestyle. Perhaps it is cynical of me to say that, but the irony of it is that some of the most desireable people within this lifestyle dont publically look anymore. They stay away from public venues, parties, events, munches, whatever all out of sheer disgust.



....unfortunately from my experience also this has rings of truth to it.

(in reply to Saint)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: putting my best foot forward - 10/2/2007 11:08:21 AM   
Najakcharmer


Posts: 2121
Joined: 5/3/2004
Status: offline 		My guess is it's your spelling and grammar.  Harsh but true.  It's not going to go over well, much as it wouldn't go over well if you showed up for a date unwashed and uncombed with messy clothes.  Online, the only impression you can present is your writing, and if it's messy and sloppy and poorly presented, that pretty much ends things right there.  You wouldn't get far in the professional world if your resume was written like that either. 

(in reply to jrp1042000)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: putting my best foot forward - 10/2/2007 11:19:07 AM   
WickedBDSM


Posts: 37
Joined: 6/20/2007
Status: offline 		Please, just tell me, you were being sarcastic, when you named yourself "Saint".

(in reply to Saint)
Profile   Post #: 20
Page:   [1] 2   next >   >>
All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> Ask a Mistress >> putting my best foot forward Page: [1] 2   next >   >>
Jump to:





New Messages No New Messages
Hot Topic w/ New Messages Hot Topic w/o New Messages
Locked w/ New Messages Locked w/o New Messages
 Post New Thread
 Reply to Message
 Post New Poll
 Submit Vote
 Delete My Own Post
 Delete My Own Thread
 Rate Posts




Collarchat.com © 2025
Terms of Service Privacy Policy Spam Policy

0.094