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re-establishing trust accidentally broken... - 9/29/2007 3:41:43 PM   
HisXshadow


Posts: 12
Joined: 1/26/2007
Status: offline 		I'm looking for some practical ways that Masters/Mistress's (insert Top descriptor here) have gone about re-establishing trust within their relationship with their slave(s) after having made a mistake or an unfortunate string of mistakes/misjudgements.

I'm not looking for ways that I can change my perception about said mistake. I'm aware that he's human, I'm aware that he's sometimes going to make mistakes. I'm aware that I have a choice about whether or not I want to once again make myself physically and emotionally vulnerable to him again.

I'm just wondering if...once a Master has aknowledged and apologized for making a mistake...or multiple mistakes, other than making a more concerted effort not to make the same mistake twice, if there were practical things that you worked on in order to reestablish trust that had been damaged.
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RE: re-establishing trust accidentally broken... - 9/29/2007 3:50:12 PM   
celticlord2112


Posts: 5732
Status: offline
quote:

I'm aware that I have a choice about whether or not I want to once again make myself physically and emotionally vulnerable to him again.


You said it all right here.  Trust is a choice.  It is a leap of faith.  And only you can decide whether to take that leap or no.


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RE: re-establishing trust accidentally broken... - 9/29/2007 3:52:50 PM   
Celeste43


Posts: 3066
Joined: 2/4/2006
From: NYS
Status: offline 		Sure. He hit an emotional trigger I wasn't aware of. Trust in both him and myself went back a lot. And of course it was early in the relationship, if he hit something now it wouldn't carry as much weight.

We went back to step one. He treated me a lot more tenderly, a lot more carefully. Play went back to just stuff he knew I would like, nothing new or intense while I was still scared. Plus we spent a lot of time just sitting and talking. Took picnics in the park. And mainly he held me a lot.

The most helpful thing was that he didn't dismiss my reaction or my fears. He didn't belittle me. And he never made that same mistake again. He learns from his mistakes.

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RE: re-establishing trust accidentally broken... - 9/29/2007 4:03:33 PM   
MsNudeLover


Posts: 3
Joined: 9/15/2007
Status: offline 		Trust ? when you promise something to someone......Follow through, they have memories

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RE: re-establishing trust accidentally broken... - 9/29/2007 4:06:19 PM   
HisXshadow


Posts: 12
Joined: 1/26/2007
Status: offline 		I get that. However, as true as it is, it's not an answer to my question. As a Top, if you were to have made a mistake, would your response to said situation simply be that, "it's up to the sub to *let it go* and move on" and do nothing else other than apologize, or would you take additional steps to make the sub feel comfortable in *letting it go*? Would you, dial it back, introduce "trust building games", make it up to her? 

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RE: re-establishing trust accidentally broken... - 9/29/2007 4:09:57 PM   
HisXshadow


Posts: 12
Joined: 1/26/2007
Status: offline
quote:

Trust ? when you promise something to someone......Follow through, they have memories


There is a margin of error when it comes to trust. People make mistakes. Sometimes during the learning process...which we are currently in, multiple mistakes, error's of judgment. If I assumed that this would never happen, I'd be setting myself up for even more disapointment. However, that doesn't preclude the fact that WHEN it happens, a simple "i'm sorry" doesn't necessarily erase anger and a need for a more concrete way of handling it.

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RE: re-establishing trust accidentally broken... - 9/29/2007 4:10:59 PM   
HisXshadow


Posts: 12
Joined: 1/26/2007
Status: offline 		Thank you Celeste. That's what I was looking for. Perhaps we need to go back to square one. 

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RE: re-establishing trust accidentally broken... - 9/29/2007 4:16:42 PM   
breatheasone


Posts: 4004
Joined: 7/14/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: HisXshadow

I get that. However, as true as it is, it's not an answer to my question. As a Top, if you were to have made a mistake, would your response to said situation simply be that, "it's up to the sub to *let it go* and move on" and do nothing else other than apologize, or would you take additional steps to make the sub feel comfortable in *letting it go*? Would you, dial it back, introduce "trust building games", make it up to her? 

If he is not willing to do whatever it takes for as long as it takes to help rebuild the trust he helped tear down...then I would have to think VERY hard about continuing the relationship.


_____________________________

Romans 10:13,For whosoever shall call upon the name of the Lord shall be saved.
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RE: re-establishing trust accidentally broken... - 9/29/2007 4:30:08 PM   
HisXshadow


Posts: 12
Joined: 1/26/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: breatheasone

quote:

ORIGINAL: HisXshadow

I get that. However, as true as it is, it's not an answer to my question. As a Top, if you were to have made a mistake, would your response to said situation simply be that, "it's up to the sub to *let it go* and move on" and do nothing else other than apologize, or would you take additional steps to make the sub feel comfortable in *letting it go*? Would you, dial it back, introduce "trust building games", make it up to her? 

If he is not willing to do whatever it takes for as long as it takes to help rebuild the trust he helped tear down...then I would have to think VERY hard about continuing the relationship.



what I said there wasn't an indication of how *my* Master is dealing with the situation. It was a question to the commenter about how *he'd* handle it in response to what he said to me.

We aren't really...dealing just yet. I'm taking some time to just be angry about it rather than just jump to the *get over it part* which I have a habit of doing, we'll talk about it more soon. I'm not sure what I want in order to make it better. I don't know what to DO really or what HE can do in order for me to rebalance and just put myself out there and hope for the best. I know that he'll do whatever it takes, he feels awful about it. He doesn't expect me to just *get over it* but this isn't the first mistake and while I can be forgiving and take into account human nature I'm just getting tired of saying "Ok...you made a mistake, let's move on, no consequences, just don't do it again."

I think "back to basics" is in order.

(in reply to breatheasone)
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RE: re-establishing trust accidentally broken... - 9/29/2007 4:31:47 PM   
littlebitxxx


Posts: 732
Status: offline 		Yes, trust is important but we are human after all.  We do make mistakes.  If a trust is broken, it is hard to rebuild.  I'm thinking it all depends on what trust, how broken.  If it was a simple mistake of ignorance, communication and an endeavour not to repeat it would probably suffice.  If it was a big no-no, lying, cheating, breaking a hard limit...now that's gonna take some work.  But communication is still the key issue.  Find out how each other feels about the situation and if they consider it a deal-breaker first off.  If it is not, then you can talk it out and come to an agreement.

My own experience in this was when ex-Master was still trying to keep his two subs apart and from knowing each other.  I was scheduled for a "special" session one evening and he cancelled it the day before citing late hours at work.  I found out afterward that he brought the other sub in instead.  I confronted him (politely), he apologized and explained his reason for doing so.  I told him it wasn't that I was cancelled, it was that he lied about it.  We discussed the "lying to protect", the "little white lies", the "lying by omission" that seems to engulf us all.  Ending was him promising to always be truthful no matter what.  It hurt like hell, I tell ya.  But we were able to discuss it and come to terms.  Life was better after that.  We were also able to schedule a special "makeup" session out of it too ;)  And ya know make-up sex is always the best <wag>.

Don't know if that helped or not but chin up.  Communication is the key to getting over the rough spots.

_____________________________

There is no such thing as can't unless it is followed by yet

It is the meaningless little acts that become meaningful in the doing.

The people that mind don't matter and the people that matter don't mind.

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RE: re-establishing trust accidentally broken... - 9/29/2007 4:33:39 PM   
breatheasone


Posts: 4004
Joined: 7/14/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: HisXshadow

quote:

ORIGINAL: breatheasone

quote:

ORIGINAL: HisXshadow

I get that. However, as true as it is, it's not an answer to my question. As a Top, if you were to have made a mistake, would your response to said situation simply be that, "it's up to the sub to *let it go* and move on" and do nothing else other than apologize, or would you take additional steps to make the sub feel comfortable in *letting it go*? Would you, dial it back, introduce "trust building games", make it up to her? 

If he is not willing to do whatever it takes for as long as it takes to help rebuild the trust he helped tear down...then I would have to think VERY hard about continuing the relationship.



what I said there wasn't an indication of how *my* Master is dealing with the situation. It was a question to the commenter about how *he'd* handle it in response to what he said to me.

We aren't really...dealing just yet. I'm taking some time to just be angry about it rather than just jump to the *get over it part* which I have a habit of doing, we'll talk about it more soon. I'm not sure what I want in order to make it better. I don't know what to DO really or what HE can do in order for me to rebalance and just put myself out there and hope for the best. I know that he'll do whatever it takes, he feels awful about it. He doesn't expect me to just *get over it* but this isn't the first mistake and while I can be forgiving and take into account human nature I'm just getting tired of saying "Ok...you made a mistake, let's move on, no consequences, just don't do it again."

I think "back to basics" is in order.


I wish you the best and hope it works out for you.


_____________________________

Romans 10:13,For whosoever shall call upon the name of the Lord shall be saved.
Mike posts in black font
candy posts in pink font

(in reply to HisXshadow)
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RE: re-establishing trust accidentally broken... - 9/29/2007 4:39:09 PM   
honestsub4real


Posts: 22
Joined: 9/28/2007
Status: offline 		To the OP, all human beings know that people make poor judgement and yes that includes the one you surrender yourself to. Yes, becoming angry is normal, but a forgiving soul in the person you realize is "human" first after all, is the beginning.  Some may hold a "mistake" on a person, I find it useless energy, i find it more wonderful to accept the apology and go on and continue what you had in the first place.  I hope this makes sense for you.

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RE: re-establishing trust accidentally broken... - 9/29/2007 4:44:43 PM   
HisXshadow


Posts: 12
Joined: 1/26/2007
Status: offline
quote:

Don't know if that helped or not but chin up.  Communication is the key to getting over the rough spots.


It did. Thank you for your thoughts. I'm certain we'll be communicating about this quite a bit. It wasn't a deal breaker, just an error of judgement on his part, which ultimately, I'm sure I'll get over.

(in reply to littlebitxxx)
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RE: re-establishing trust accidentally broken... - 9/29/2007 5:41:10 PM   
celticlord2112


Posts: 5732
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: HisXshadow

I get that. However, as true as it is, it's not an answer to my question. As a Top, if you were to have made a mistake, would your response to said situation simply be that, "it's up to the sub to *let it go* and move on" and do nothing else other than apologize, or would you take additional steps to make the sub feel comfortable in *letting it go*? Would you, dial it back, introduce "trust building games", make it up to her? 


As a general rule, I apologize, we talk about what it was, and we attempt to move on together.  It is difficult to give specifics because those are predicated on specific mistakes.

Will "trust building games" work?  Are there steps to be taken to make up for whatever mistake?  Possibly.  The ultimate answer lies in the specifics of the mistake made, and it's just not possible to give a concrete answer  in that regard.

However, what can be said is that he will respond to his mistake in the manner he chooses.  Whether that response is sufficient, whether it provides a way to move the relationship forward past the mistake....those are choices you have to make. 


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RE: re-establishing trust accidentally broken... - 9/29/2007 9:58:27 PM   
NefertariReborn


Posts: 381
Status: offline 		I made a mistake.  I said I was sorry.  He wanted to be angry, and I say wanted because I think you decide what emotion is at the forefront of your mind.  He made mistakes and I forgave and moved on.  He wanted to pout and there's only so much of that I was willing to take.  So he cut off his nose to spite his face is how I looked at it.  I said one day I'm sorry you feel you can't forgive Me, you've fucked up more times than I care to count but I forgave you.  Have a good life.  And I walked away. 

Forgive him and move on.  Believe Me there are more mistakes to come.  No one is uberdom or ubersub.  Just go back to square one and talk some more and try to avoid the same mistakes.

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RE: re-establishing trust accidentally broken... - 9/29/2007 11:12:58 PM   
proudsub


Posts: 6142
Joined: 1/31/2004
From: Washington
Status: offline 		Forgiveness goes a long ways.  Hubby forgave me and i'm pretty sure His trust in me has been re-established.

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proudsub

"Without goals you become what you were. With goals you become what you wish." .

"You are entitled to your own opinions but not your own facts"--Alan Greenspan


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RE: re-establishing trust accidentally broken... - 9/30/2007 2:29:42 AM   
RRafe


Posts: 2060
Joined: 8/29/2007
Status: offline 		Atonement always impressed me when this happened.

It showed comprehension.

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I seem to be some wierd combination of Ren and Stimpy

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RE: re-establishing trust accidentally broken... - 9/30/2007 10:05:41 AM   
DocRudy


Posts: 153
Joined: 9/19/2007
Status: offline 		Everyone makes mistakes. That is about as true as anything out there.

When I make one, I damn well make sure to make amends for it as best I can (not to mention never to make the same mistake twice). After that, I can only trust in the forgiveness of my partner.

Conversely, said partner can only trust in me to make amends as best I can. They can't expect me to never make mistakes, nor that I can turn back time.

"Circle of Trust" sounds like a copyrighted term from the Ben Stiller movies, yet I suppose it somewhat applies. Trust feeds trust, and true forgiveness of misdeeds can only take place when both trust in each other's sincerity.

-DR

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RE: re-establishing trust accidentally broken... - 9/30/2007 11:26:23 AM   
MissHarlet


Posts: 2728
Joined: 9/11/2005
From: El Paso , TX US
Status: offline 		We are human and thus make mistakes ... I would say that a measure of a Dominants integrity is how they handle THEIR mistakes .... and if the relationship is valued .. even if it takes going back to the beginning and starting over that is what is done.

If a submissive is expected to win back their trust .. why would less be expected of a Dominant?

_____________________________

Protectress of hearts/souls of all submissives calling Bounty's Place home, by order of Bounty~Proprietor

To be respected you must be respectful, to be loved you must be willing to love,
to be trusted you must be willing to trust.

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RE: re-establishing trust accidentally broken... - 9/30/2007 12:22:52 PM   
HisXshadow


Posts: 12
Joined: 1/26/2007
Status: offline 		I just wanted to thank everyone for their thoughtful replies to my post. I accepted his apology, sincerely. I'm not angry about it anymore. That was never the issue though. Being mad about it for a while was healthy for ME because I have issues with experiencing and expressing angry emotions...and I had a right to be angry about it, mistake or no. I knew I'd get over it though. Getting over it and accepting his apology though doesn't lesson my nervousness the next time we go to do something where I'm put in a compromising situation.

I just wanted something more concrete to DO with him to work on re-establishing trust between partners. I'd heard another dom talk about things like blindfold games and whatnot that he did with his sub in the beginning to help establish trust.

We're just going to slow down, take more time with each other. Build back up to more intense situations. We've talked about it a lot, know exactly where each other is coming from.

(in reply to MissHarlet)
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