RE: re-establishing trust accidentally broken... (Full Version)

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RaynaSub -> RE: re-establishing trust accidentally broken... (9/30/2007 12:26:53 PM)

It depends on why the trust was "accidentally broken".
Those types of "accidents" are normally not accidents.
If you are dealing with someone who lies and has these types of
"accidents" all the time, why on earth would you want to
re-establish trust?



Celeste43 -> RE: re-establishing trust accidentally broken... (9/30/2007 2:55:11 PM)

You said multiple mistakes. Does that mean making the same mistake over and over again or lots of different mistakes.

Because I'd have a real problem with someone who couldn't learn from his mistakes. However if he keeps accidentally hurting you, then maybe you need to be a lot clearer in what you need. He's not a mind reader.

The Man is a great guy, absolutely but it was (and still is) my responsibility to tell him what I need to feel secure in the relationship. And if things change with me, I have to tell him what's going on. Because without really clear and honest input on your part, he will be guessing and making assumptions, and those never work out well.

How clear are you about what you need and what you won't tolerate? And did you just mention this in chat or over the phone and are these learning styles that work for him. We learned early on that stuff he told me in chat I simply didn't remember an hour later. If he needed me to remember, he had to write a separate email. That's my preferred learning style.



amiciaN -> RE: re-establishing trust accidentally broken... (9/30/2007 4:41:52 PM)

(using fast reply)

It seems like you are talking about making a mistake during bdsm 'play'.  If that is not the case, then skip this post with my apologies.  If that is so, then you need to decide if it the activity or the Dominant himself that you do not trust.  If you still trust the Dominant, but not the activity, then I here is what I suggest.

Whatever activitity you do not trust, start slow with just exposure to the toy or beginning sensations.  I don't know if you use safewords, but in a case like this, perhaps the 'stop light' method might be useful.  Green means everything is fine, yellow means you need a break, something altered or to proceed with extreme caution, and red means stop immediately.  This is the same process used to overcome most phobias.  And if you reach red, that doesn't mean you have failed.  It just means that your current limit has been reached and you need to know where that is before you can hope to move it.  It isn't necessarily going to happen in one or even two sessions.  Evaluate if the limit receeded any after each exposure and discuss exactly where your fear (lack of trust) kicked in.  If there is no improvement, then re-evaluate the importance of the activity and decide if this a a deal breaker.

I wish you all the best.



PryderiLoup -> RE: re-establishing trust accidentally broken... (9/30/2007 6:47:52 PM)

quote:

I'm just wondering if...once a Master has aknowledged and apologized for making a mistake...or multiple mistakes, other than making a more concerted effort not to make the same mistake twice, if there were practical things that you worked on in order to reestablish trust that had been damaged.

The question here is twofold, I think.
1) Are you willing to expose yourself to this mistake, or multiple mistakes again?
2)Has anything significant changed in the situation to make you think he is trustworthy again?
3)Have you truly forgiven him for the mistakes?
(Okay, that is threefold, but I added one.)

Tigers do not change their stripes, but they do grow. If you believe in his intent, and believe that he as grown, then it is possible. But you will not all of a sudden trust again, it will have to grow. Hopefully, one day you will realize "Oh, I trust him again!"

Best of luck






celticlord2112 -> RE: re-establishing trust accidentally broken... (9/30/2007 6:51:17 PM)

quote:

I just wanted something more concrete to DO with him to work on re-establishing trust between partners.


Spend a lot of time talking with him.  Be open to him, and encourage him to be open to you. 

The more both of you are able to share of yourself, the more trust you will enjoy, and those "concrete" things to do will inevitably present themselves.



julietsierra -> RE: re-establishing trust accidentally broken... (10/2/2007 12:08:08 PM)

I'm not one for apologies. What I mean is that I really really don't want to hear them. I want us to talk openly about what has happened. I want him to understand where I'm coming from and for me to understand where he's coming from. I don't want me to defend my actions or him to defend his. I want us to work through things and then leave them alone. And then, I want for them not to happen again.

He's the same way with me.

Here's the tricky part.

You can't know they won't if you don't put yourself in that same position again to find out. So, to me, it doesn't mean that the overall situation won't happen again. It means that the next time, it won't be handled the way it was the first time. It also might mean that a significant amount of time has to pass before that situation is attempted again, but it doesn't mean we won't.

And y'know...

Every time we've done things that way...we've grown closer; I've trusted him more and he's trusted me more.

juliet



chellekitty -> RE: re-establishing trust accidentally broken... (10/2/2007 12:56:26 PM)

every situation with every person at every point in their life is different...personally you can't accidentally break my trust....it takes a hell of a lot to break my trust so once you do it takes a hell of a lot to build it back up again, if you ever can....you can hurt me to the bone and still possibly have my trust...so...yea...not feeling to talkative on the subject right now...



slave4Darby3d -> RE: re-establishing trust accidentally broken... (10/3/2007 12:33:31 AM)

I'm a hard case when it comes to trust.  I don't really believe in accidental breaches.  (i accidently dropped my dick into another woman...or I accidently spent money I pulled out of your account...I accidently let another Dom flog you while you were tied up and blindfolded...hmm...)

People do make mistakes and are deserving of an opportunity to learn from them and be forgiven.

But, if the breach of trust is within the bounds of BDSM and play (like breaching an expressed limit, or the like), you can play games to rebuild the trust, you can communicate better, you can have someone watch out for you until you are more comfortable.  You can always safeword out of an accidental breach in this area...and that's pretty much a no harm no foul to me...

If the breach of trust was within the more vanilla aspect of the relationship (such as infidelity or dishonesty) there is no game or magic bullet to shortcut to what it takes to 1) choose to try and trust again and 2) be forgiving, 3) reestablish what is acceptable in the relationship, and 4) give it time.  If, of course, the relationship is truly worth it.

its hard...because while we can forgive and move past some things...we never forget how it made us feel...




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