When is it being TOO picky? (Full Version)

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Action -> When is it being TOO picky? (9/29/2007 8:09:30 PM)

So Dear Ladies I come to you again,

I'll start by saying its not a lack of recieving intrest by many submissives. I get upwards of  7 messages on average a day. But in the last 3 months of being free of my recent boy, I've taken on NON that have messaged me. Mind you many where one liners which I won't even bat an eye at, and there are those I have actually messaged, at least one a week that I may be intrested.

Now one of two things happen. The most common is that I write to them, they may write back once, I then write to them with specific instructions usualy along the lines of : write to me an assigment on a various subject of my choosing about themselves. A picture with something specificly done in them depending on the submissive and await said assigment to be done. So far in a year and a half's time being here, none have completed said assignment. I have to say Im extremely disappointed that someone who could be a SO adament about wanting to give themselves up to me can't do something so small as an assignment. This of course is a test of how willing they are to devote to me themselves, if they can't get done so unsexual as an email and photo.

The second thing that happens is that sometimes I won't write back until a week or two later becuase again this is usualy a test, none have passed. ALL have written me in a week's time saying they are sorry they wasted thier time obviously Im not intrested. I'll tell you now. I work on no one's time but my own UNLESS someone has already been commited to me and I'll be more devout in my time taken for them, as any pet shold be handled.

I can't say Im vastly disheartened, Im working on two boys that I may take on for chastity, oh how I adore chasity done my way. In hopes of getting again what I want, a slave willing to devote themselves in thier suffering to me, and yet tell me how much that adore me for it dispite being distant and oh so demanding.

Give me some hope dear Ladies, and perhaps the subs that read this forum too. Tell me my picking through the hordes will bare me some good loyal fruit. Im so ready for a good puppy of a slave, willing to wait by the door for me till I finaly come home to give them what they need.

-Lil Miss Action



GoddessMine -> RE: When is it being TOO picky? (9/29/2007 8:32:43 PM)

Here: picking through the hordes will bare you good, loyal fruit.

I delete any messages that begin with or contain "r u" in a heartbeat.

Love
GM



Action -> RE: When is it being TOO picky? (9/29/2007 8:38:40 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: GoddessMine

Here: picking through the hordes will bare you good, loyal fruit.

I delete any messages that begin with or contain "r u" in a heartbeat.

Love
GM



Dear god yes! I detest net speak. <3



Koala -> RE: When is it being TOO picky? (9/29/2007 9:24:20 PM)

You're very pretty, and very straightforward in your profile... with continued diligence, I'm sure you'll find the little slut boys you seek!

Don't lower your standards just to suit the status quo. You want what you want... you deserve it... you just sometimes have to wait for it!

Best of luck!



Honsoku -> RE: When is it being TOO picky? (9/29/2007 9:43:32 PM)

Firstly, you are trying to control people too fast. The second message is not the time to start giving orders if you are expecting to find something serious. Unless you are advertising as a female supremacist, that it is your right to give orders because you have an innie instead of an outie, then you have yet to earn that respect from them. That is only a level or two above the "on your knees" e-mails that women complain about receiving.

Secondly, making someone wait a week or two for a response is just plain rude. They may be a submissive, but that does not mean they are at your beck and call immediately. Your "test" shows a distinct lack of respect for them as people. These are not "instant" (just add water!) submissives. The good ones will ignore you and the ones looking for wank material will probably get fed up waiting.

Honsoku



Action -> RE: When is it being TOO picky? (9/29/2007 9:50:33 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Honsoku

Firstly, you are trying to control people too fast. The second message is not the time to start giving orders if you are expecting to find something serious. Unless you are advertising as a female supremacist, that it is your right to give orders because you have an innie instead of an outie, then you have yet to earn that respect from them. That is only a level or two above the "on your knees" e-mails that women complain about receiving.

Secondly, making someone wait a week or two for a response is just plain rude. They may be a submissive, but that does not mean they are at your beck and call immediately. Your "test" shows a distinct lack of respect for them as people. These are not "instant" (just add water!) submissives. The good ones will ignore you and the ones looking for wank material will probably get fed up waiting.

Honsoku


First off my assignment isn't a "sit and knee" sort of assigment. Its almost always a simple inquriy into getting to know them in more detail. I have them write out thier hobbies, their fantasies, something they think I should know about them that thier profile dosn't shed light into.

And secondly my waiting week or more isn't to be understood as onpupose thus it being a test. I could be too busy to answer them, or be giving thier messages a think over (which I usualy do) but in the same instance more then once slaves answer back in no less then a day saying obviously Im not intrested. And Im not instrested in slaves who asume what I do and don't want.

-Action



MzMia -> RE: When is it being TOO picky? (9/29/2007 10:12:26 PM)

Of course, you are not too picky, and giving a small task is not being
demanding.
How many approach you with initial emails asking what will you do to them?
I am sure they expect you to take the time to write back what exciting great
times you have in store for them.
Hold your ground, and wait patiently for someone who deserves you.
I am glad to see a strong Dominant woman, that is actually being a Dominant and
calling the shots.
Good for you.[sm=applause.gif]



AAkasha -> RE: When is it being TOO picky? (9/29/2007 10:35:16 PM)

I have found that I have a little more than 0% success with men who email me (and I get dozens a week like you do), but a fairly good success rate when I contact men based on their profiles.  Like you, I try to thin the herd (of those that contact me) a little by asking for a more detailed letter or give a task, and most just flake after that - they don't want to take the time to do it. 

A theory I have is that men who contact women based on their profiles have an expectation. Sometimes it's somewhat unrealistic, other times it is TOTALLY unrealistic (ie, they are just looking for some instant gratification and hitting you up because they saw you logged on).  When you write back without a response that sort of fits their agenda, they go away and try someone else.

However, when you approach a man based on his profile, we're talking about your agenda, not his.  You have initiated the contact, you have set the tone, you have shown interest, and he's in response mode.  I think they are more open to listen to your agenda and participate than the men who contact you with their agenda.

I also think somewhat of a carrot must be present to keep man's interest.  The same is so true for the vanilla world, and for real life dating.  There must be something exciting, challenging, interesting, enticing, or alluring to make him want to take the bait.  The challenge is to be this way -- provacative, but not a fantasy figure -- to entice him in a way that motivates him without creating a lust filled, fantasy-obsessed submissive on the other end.  The only analogy I can think of is flirting with a man in public; you want him to know you are interested and it's going to be a fun, perhaps sensual ride if he responds in kind, but you aren't hitting him up for outright sex or a blowjob, you're just being fun and flirtacious.  The same goes with submissive men - you have to tickle something in their submissive core to get them to follow the carrot, but not set them on fire so they get too wide eyed to stay with reality and see the flirtation through.

I am probably putting way too much thought and analysis into it.  The big problem is that the medium here (text, online) is boring - pure and simple.  The men that contact you want a fantasy - that's their right.  But if it's not working for them when you respond, they move on to the next one.  At least when you initiate contact, you're the one showing interest, and I think that's a more positive direction to start from.

Akasha



Honsoku -> RE: When is it being TOO picky? (9/29/2007 11:27:30 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: Action

First off my assignment isn't a "sit and knee" sort of assigment. Its almost always a simple inquriy into getting to know them in more detail. I have them write out thier hobbies, their fantasies, something they think I should know about them that thier profile dosn't shed light into.


Which is why it is a little bit better than an "on your knees" e-mail. It is still pretty presumptuous and will probably be reacted to negatively if it is phrased as an order. What have you done by this point to earn their respect enough to give them orders?

quote:

ORIGINAL: Action

And secondly my waiting week or more isn't to be understood as onpupose thus it being a test. I could be too busy to answer them, or be giving thier messages a think over (which I usualy do) but in the same instance more then once slaves answer back in no less then a day saying obviously Im not intrested. And Im not instrested in slaves who asume what I do and don't want.

-Action



Doesn't matter if it is on purpose or not. If I'm was on the other end and I didn't get a response for a week or more I would assume that the person either isn't interested, or does not have the time to meet my needs. Neglect is not interesting. If a Dom did that as a test and posted about it, there would be flaming about his looking for a doormat. People do not appreciate being dangled on a string, submissive or not. Now if you were to drop a line saying "I will get back to you" or something to that effect, then it would be a different story.

Even as a Domme, it is important to listen to and consider feedback. People have been telling you that your waiting is sending the message that you aren't interested. A test with a 100% failure rate isn't any good as a test. Now those that can't manage to wait 24 hours are being too impatient, but a week is too long. I would limit the waiting period to 72 hours maximum. Keep in mind that at this point you are no more than a picture and some text to them and not their Domme.



Philosopher -> RE: When is it being TOO picky? (9/29/2007 11:51:59 PM)

Well first of all, unless you specify in your profile that you are generally busy and might not be able to reply for some time, then it is reasonable for some subs to assume that you aren't able to meet their needs. Some people are looking for more frequent contact than once a week.

Secondly, I find the better quality subs want to get known as a person a bit before being given any sort of order. What you are asking for is reasonable, but if it is phrased as an order, the sub may find it offputting.

If you want to give orders fairly soon after initial contact I find that those that use netspeak are usually ready and willing. Unfortunately, I find that the quality is much poorer. I prefer to take my time and build up trust and get a quality sub, rather than going for something here and now. If I want something here and now, I'll go to a chat room.



Koala -> RE: When is it being TOO picky? (9/30/2007 4:13:54 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Philosopher
Secondly, I find the better quality subs want to get known as a person a bit before being given any sort of order. What you are asking for is reasonable, but if it is phrased as an order, the sub may find it offputting.


So they message her, and regardless of the content, she asserts herself by saying this is what I want... and you're saying that the better quality submissives will put their wants ahead of hers from the outset?

Somewhat counterintuitive to me.



MsLilac -> RE: When is it being TOO picky? (9/30/2007 6:25:51 AM)

Now, of course the below is only my opinion, and based on what I know, take it for what it is worth.

I feel you are asking and expecting to much, to soon. Regardless of what the ‘task’ is, giving orders to someone you barely know is presumptuous. Whether one likes to admit it or not, and regardless of the power dynamic, a relationship, however fleeting, is about give and take, both parties have needs that want to be met.

It all depends on what you are looking for, but the more ‘substantial’ submissives I know would not take to kindly at being expected to jump through such demanding hoops so soon, they are more interested in getting to know you, flirting etc. The fleeting variety of submissive, which may well be your core audience, just doesn’t have the attention span to play along with your games (i.e, they have jacked to the thought of your demands, before getting around to completing your demands)

Lets look at it from the point of view of someone who responds to you. Pretty early on you are giving orders to something that can easily be established through normal conversation and treating them like a person first. I am going to assume you give little about yourself from the way you phrased the op). They complete assignment (or not), then you deliberately ignore them (I picked this up from you first post) for a week or two, without so much as a quick note to say you a bit busy. How many self respecting people do you know that would be happy accepting that? What is your respondent suppose to think?

And that’s another thing, you are dealing with people first and foremost, do you want someone to submit to you indiscriminately? There are many out there who claim to, in their ill worded profiles and mails, but I seriously doubt you’ll get any consistency out of them.

Something that may help is, ask yourself what is it you are offering? Ask yourself, why would someone want to take orders from me so early on? What environment are you creating to establish enough trust and respect for someone to submit in the first place? I personally believe it isn't enough to just click your fingers and state your demands, particularly in the 'getting to know you' process.

Something else that may help is asking yourself how effective your method is, which you state you have had 0% success with. Why do you feel this method is conducive to what you seek? How would it actually help in you getting to know someone, as opposed to the tried and tested method of 2 way conversation?

I am sure you will find someone using your current method, but I suspect you will be waiting a long while, and be frustrated at the calibre of those that do perform for you.

Anyway, hope that helps, and good luck with your search.



DianeB269 -> RE: When is it being TOO picky? (9/30/2007 6:31:00 AM)

Action

There is nothing wrong with being picky. I'm the same way. When I deside to meet with a new sub it may take up to 6 months before I want to start training him.

Diane



cloudboy -> RE: When is it being TOO picky? (9/30/2007 6:31:25 AM)


I think you know you've been "too picky" when you drive away someone you really wanted to know. Pay attention to your own sense of personal regret. Its probably a very trustworthy guide.

If all you are feeling is frustration instead of regret, you haven't been "too picky."



TNstepsout -> RE: When is it being TOO picky? (9/30/2007 6:54:45 AM)

I tend to agree with Honsoku and MsLilac. In the initial stages you are meeting someone on an equal footing. You don't say how your word your request for them to fill out the questionairre, but if it comes off as a command more than a request, it would probably offend most people. Think about it, if a sub emailed you with the same demand, how would you react? If the questionairre is important to you and responding to it is a test of sorts, I would wait until you have established at least an initial raport and then ask the sub to complete the questionairre as part of expiditing the "get to know you" phase.

In terms of waiting a week or two to respond? After asking someone else to spend their time on your questionairre, to wait that long to respond is kind of rude. I think if you can't get back to someone because of your schedule you should at least drop an email to let them know you will respond soon. Also, when it takes anyone that long to respond it makes the other person (no matter whether D or s) wonder if it takes that long to write an email how can you possibly have time to devote to a sub.



twistedwillow -> RE: When is it being TOO picky? (9/30/2007 7:13:44 AM)

In my not so humble opinion, I think that your setting yourself up for failure on here.
Being Dominant and taking charge is a good trait for someone who identifies as Dom to have... but there is a difference between dominant and overbearing.
I think getting to know someone as a PERSON first, then moving on to the D\s aspect of a relationship is probably the best way to go.
And regardless of Dom\sub tendencies, deliberatly making someone wait a week before you reply is simply rude in my books.

Of course a lot of what you do are things I, myself do, I deplore net speak, and one liners, therefor rarely if ever reply to those kinds of 'solicituous' emails.

Anyway, however you care to go about vetting your potential subs,  good luck with it.

twisted



beeble -> RE: When is it being TOO picky? (9/30/2007 7:40:01 AM)

There's nothing wrong with being picky but I don't think your selection process is well-tailored to finding people.  Any good sub will want to get to know you before submitting to you and I don't think you're giving them the chance to do that.  I'd feel put off at receiving assignments from a Domme while I still didn't really know who she was and certainly wouldn't be willing to send a photo until trust had been established.

Not replying for a week or two *does* say that you're uninterested.  Nobody reasonably expects an instant reply but, after a few days, it either means that you've been busy or you're not interested.  If you were often busy, you'd've probably put something on your profile mentioning this, which really only leaves one option.  And please don't think of it as a ``test''.  There's no point testing the devotion of somebody who hardly knows you: I can tell you for free that they're not devoted to you because they don't know you from Adam.

A first contact E-mail from a genuine sub is a statement that you might be interesting to them.  The sub is still at the stage of finding out if you're the right person and you need to be attractive to them just as much as you need them to be attractive to you.



marieToo -> RE: When is it being TOO picky? (9/30/2007 7:48:49 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Action

Now one of two things happen. The most common is that I write to them, they may write back once, I then write to them with specific instructions usualy along the lines of : write to me an assigment on a various subject of my choosing about themselves. A picture with something specificly done in them depending on the submissive and await said assigment to be done. So far in a year and a half's time being here, none have completed said assignment. I have to say Im extremely disappointed that someone who could be a SO adament about wanting to give themselves up to me can't do something so small as an assignment. This of course is a test of how willing they are to devote to me themselves, if they can't get done so unsexual as an email and photo.



Since none have completed the assignment in the year in a half that you've been doing this, I would start looking at the reason why, not within THEM but within yourself.  Maybe your request isn't reasonable or timely.

As a submissive I can tell you that I've written many personal things for more than one Dominant and done so willingly, however, I've done so when I felt there was enough there to open up to that person.  That level of trust isn't going to be reached from a single email exchange.   As you said you are commanding this of them after a single response from your initial email.  I personally think you are out of line, to test anyone's willingness to "devote themselves" to you after having had a single email exchange.  How can anyone know they are ready to devote themselves to you after a single note?  Would you really want someone who could be so sure of something at such an early stage?   They don't know you as a person from a profile or one introductory letter, they don't know the chemistry you may or may not have with them, if you will mesh on the special level etc. 


And then there's this statement you made:

I work on no one's time but my own UNLESS someone has already been commited to me and I'll be more devout in my time taken for them, as any pet shold be handled.
 
What this says is you want commitment without giving it back, until it's proven to you.  Ask yourself, why would any self-respecting person of any orientation commit to someone who sits back 'testing' them with no sign of any kind of reciprocation?
 
I would suggest putting in the time to converse with them on a personal give and take level, then allowing it to graduate to the next level in a more natural way.  The time will come after some talking where both you and he/she will feel comfortable with such requests as a particular photo or a particular essay on something personal.  You have to put in the time and the effort required to obtain the type of relationship that it seems you are looking for.  Most submissives don't just defer to a dominant, simply because they're a dominant.  They have to feel something for you first, they have to feel somewhat inspired and desirous of pleasing you,  and that can't be accomplished without going through the process of getting to know them and allowing them to know you and showing them that you are someone they want to submit/commit to.  There's no shortcut.  
 
 




thetammyjo -> RE: When is it being TOO picky? (9/30/2007 7:50:56 AM)

May I be blunt?

Why are you testing these new online guys so soon into the conversation with those sorts of tests?

You aren't his dominant, you aren't anything frankly yet until you both decide that you are.

If you have a formal way of talking to someone, let them know that upfront but dang get to know them a bit as a person first.

I do have a formal way of getting to know someone, I'm upfront about it, but I only tell someone to fill out my application after we've talked for a few weeks. I write back quickly, I write back honestly, I try to give as much as I get without mucking up the waters with too much about what I'm looking for in terms of kink -- because I discovered that anxious subs/bottoms will "change" to fit what I'm looking for.

Took me years to figure out how to do this.

But with complete honesty, Action, I just don't find your "tests" to be very conducive to making connection that may lead to testing for potential slaves or subs.

You want those who connect you to treat you like a human being, right, not just a hand to hold a whip or a hips to move a strapon, correct? Return the favor and talk to them don't toss out "tests" until you are both on the same page as wanting to see if this might work.

I frankly don't believe anyone who claims he/she wants me as his/her dom after one or two emails because I think they are still living in a fantasy and not the reality that my life takes place in.



thetammyjo -> RE: When is it being TOO picky? (9/30/2007 7:53:45 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: Koala

quote:

ORIGINAL: Philosopher
Secondly, I find the better quality subs want to get known as a person a bit before being given any sort of order. What you are asking for is reasonable, but if it is phrased as an order, the sub may find it offputting.


So they message her, and regardless of the content, she asserts herself by saying this is what I want... and you're saying that the better quality submissives will put their wants ahead of hers from the outset?

Somewhat counterintuitive to me.


I don't know about every dominant out there but frankly someone who will submit to anyone isn't worth my time and energy.

Give me someone who wants to get to know me a bit more before he/she kneels or takes an order. Honestly, how can someone put my needs and desires ahead of his/her own until he/she knows me anyway?



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