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RE: Confused with rape fantasies - 9/30/2007 7:55:54 AM

sammiebabygirl

Posts: 465
Joined: 10/23/2004
From: Upstate, NY
Status: offline

i also was raped as a child and have gone through my healing.
i asked my therapist why so many survivors of sexual abuse love horror movies and her answer i believe, applies to the desire for play rape as well.

You can always turn it off when it gets too intense. The actual rape, you had no control over. You were 100% a victim. When engaging in play rape with a respected Dom, you have a safe word and are therefor in control. If at any time it gets to be too much, one word and it is over. The desire is to re-experience the past with the end results being on your own terms.

Hope this helps.
jen

_____________________________

"Men are like pianos. When they get upright, i feel GRAND!!!"

http://charldine.com/jen2820

(in reply to Pyrrsefanie)

Post #: 21

RE: Confused with rape fantasies - 9/30/2007 8:30:33 AM

Celeste43

Posts: 3066
Joined: 2/4/2006
From: NYS
Status: offline

You're friends are well meaning, but that's the best you can say for them. Therapists know better.

As far as rape fantasies, I've read that in women who had been previously raped the acting out of the fantasy is a form of psychodrama in that you recreate the experience except this time you are in control. The control comes from you setting up the acceptable situation and discussing what you do and don't want and with whom.

Personally I think the first few times you do this you would be better off using a safeword in case it is too difficult to handle. Flashbacks are no fun and there's no way for him to know without you stopping the situation and proceeding to aftercare. Oh, and if you do decide to recreate it, aftercare may be needed for weeks in forms of reassurance and contact. So pick your potential rapist with this in mind.

(in reply to Pyrrsefanie)

Post #: 22

RE: Confused with rape fantasies - 9/30/2007 10:18:36 AM

amelliagrace

Posts: 1792
Joined: 8/4/2007
Status: offline

General commentary:

It is not necessary to actually recreate a rape scene in order to deal with some of the trauma issues, nor is it necessary, if you do choose at some point to try an exact reinactment. Both of those are fine, but there are variations that can be positive as well.

As others have pointed out, WHO you select to assist you with something like that is critical. It is, IMO, far more important than the details of the scene. This can not be emphasized enough. It took me a decade of active searchng to find a Man I could work with to overcome my fear of bound, blindfolds, gags. Part of my personal experience, you see, entailed having a very large male on my back, hand between my shoulderblades, with my face shoved into a pillow. I was given the slightest bit of air, just as I was about to loose consciousness. Repeatedly. For way longer than I want to discuss. Slow suffocation is a real bitch (and not the good kind). JMO, if you have multiple problem areas from your personal ordeal, I caution against trying to deal with all of them in one reinactment scene - though some individuals are able to do that very thing.

Some of the reasons that this type of experience can be beneficial, if and when are that
1. You have control to whatever extent you choose to have it, whereas before, as a vicitm, you did not. It is also possible to CHOOSE to have no control in this situation. I personally wouldn't recommend that for most people. But everyone is different.
2. The mind is a very powerful, awsome thing. It is possible to re-write the story, for lack of a better term, without re-writing, denying, or hiding from history. You can supply your own, more acceptable and perhaps enjoyable "alternative endings" to the script your were previously forced to participate in.
3. There is freedom in giving that which was once taken, in willingly submitting to what was previously forced.
4. Facing the dragon on your own terms can be a valuable step in slaying the dragon. It is going toe to toe, eye to eye, with the ghost of the past.

This thread isn't exactly what I'd cal cheerful, but it IS a healthy one, and there is a great deal in it to make one smile, and rejoice, and celebrate life, love, and all that is beautiful.

A special note to the M/men reading:

You guys, as a gender, often get smeared with the taint generated by the fact that most rapists and sexual abusers of children are male. You have your own inner struggles, dealing with the need to control or be controled when society screams at you than real men don't dominate women, strike women, or bow to women. Some of you have a lot of inner conflict, reconciling the Beast Within with the need to also love and nurture. Please pause for a moment and listen to this woman's heart. From my heart to yours, be you Dom or sub, married or single, gay or straight, bisexual, TG, Gorean or BDSM, D/s or something else.......

Thanks to all the good guys. To all the wonderful men who make it possible for women to heal, to all those who know how to be a friend, who are willing to endure the pain of helping a woman heal. To all the men who've suffered when a woman in their lives has been harmed, damaged, abused, raped, or killed. To all the men who stand for what is good, and right, and decent, who love women, like women, champion women. To all those who've never been an abusive bastard, and to those who are raising theirs sons to be fine men who appreciate the other half of the species. You have my respect, my admiration, my affection, and my gratitude. I salute you....with hugs and kisses....and a sincere bow.

-grace

< Message edited by amelliagrace -- 9/30/2007 10:19:46 AM >

(in reply to Celeste43)

Post #: 23

RE: Confused with rape fantasies - 9/30/2007 11:06:51 AM

lynn23

Posts: 9
Joined: 9/27/2004
Status: offline

ya'll have given me so much to think about. amelliarace, thank you, and even if the memory replacement may or may not be what i need, I would like to learn more about it. I definately see now that there are others that have similar conlicts and so I don't feel so alone. I had actually gone thru a period of time where I thought I had put this all behind me, but when my depressions come to surface, these are the memories that come up first...definately something that is affecting me I can see that now.

Thank you again...for all ofyour insight!!!

(in reply to amelliagrace)

Post #: 24

RE: Confused with rape fantasies - 9/30/2007 11:38:21 AM

amelliagrace

Posts: 1792
Joined: 8/4/2007
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Healing is, as said before, a process - no different than learning and growing as a person. You will deal with this, and get better, become more whole. Somewhere down the line, something will crop up, posddibly at an unexpected time, and probably in a surprising way, and be related to this. You will deal with that. And so it goes...

Over time, there are fewer surprises, less unexpected triggers...in general, just "less" of the "what was" as it gives way to the "what is". The past is never erased. It's power, depening upon what it is, and what an individual chooses to do with it, is either augmented or curtailed. Left on its own, traumas like rape, and other deep emotional and spiritual woundings exert control, often "silently", in ways that we are often not aware of. As we strip them of their power, and that influence weakens, we begin to see things we never knew were there. We then are able to do all kinds of things within ourselves, and subsequently in our lives. Healing from something like this takes on a journey that affords us the opportunity to develope ourselves in ways we might never have considered otherwise. Amazing but true - even the ugly and undesirable things of life can be turned to advantage, benfit, and growth.

As time goes on, all this "stuff" you are dealing with will rear its head less often, with less strength, and with less pain, provided you have the courage to address it. Honest.

Even though I'm subbie, I have no qualm about owning this fact with regard to myself: He who sought a wrong, unhealthy, inexcusable, and harmful control over me, lost, because I lived..and lived without him in my life. The legacy of that battle created the Dragon within, that exerted control over parts of me for a long time. In slaying the dragon I became Mistress of the legacy of those events. It is I who controls their ability to harm or help me. Because of that mastery, I am free to submit my will to another in health and happiness. I am able to live a life filled with goodness. I'm nothing special, no different from anyone else on the planet. That means that you, too, can do this...and more.

Be proud of yourself for taking each step along the path.

-grace

(in reply to lynn23)

Post #: 25

RE: Confused with rape fantasies - 9/30/2007 12:15:23 PM

GabrielleSlave

Posts: 616
Joined: 9/20/2007
From: in servitude
Status: offline

Lynn23 - Just wanted to send my hugs and thanks to you. As someone who is actively talking through this precise subject with my Master at the moment, finding your thread was immense. You are certainly not alone, as with others on here, i was raped twice on two separate occasions. Both were a fair while ago and whilst i have been able to get past the nightmares that inevitably haunted me and the perpetual looking over my shoulder feeling i know that i have still something to do to get them put in my past and for them to stay there. i have rape fantasies too, but mostly they are part of safe, domination scenes where my Master undertands and knows He has to go carefully. There is a part of me however, that wants and needs to get back the control over my memories if that makes sense. i am in a relationship now where i am able to go to the depths of my mind and bring something forward that i have been trying to bury. i do not, for one minute want to recreate either rape in their detail, both were totally terrifying and traumatic, i want rather to not let the rapists have any more hold, or power over me. Why the hell should they stop me from enjoying something i know i will love with the right person? My Master and i are exploring this slowly and whilst He thinks that i should get counselling (i never had any originally), He is aware that this form of 'therapy' is the one where i will fnally be able to take back control of my past. i will finally be free of it all. i am incredibly lucky that i have a Master who is A willing to do this for me and B someone i utterly love and trust.

i hope my ramblings have helped you realise that no matter what you will think sometimes, there is nothing wrong with you, you are not mad, and that you are in fact perfectly normal. Feel no guilt, no shame, none of it was your fault in any way shape or form. Just allow yourelf to explore your feelings and know that you are working on taking back the control that was taken away from you, so that when you give it willingly and freely to your Master, you will be free to enjoy every single, hot moment. It may well take a long time, but i know it will be worth it.

Hugs and love

Gabrielle xx

_____________________________

Slave to Master Slayer

~ Host of the Rather Marvelous Greenwich Munch ~

"There is no such thing as liberty. You only change one sort of domination for another. All we can do is to choose our master."
D. H. Lawrence

(in reply to amelliagrace)

Post #: 26

RE: Confused with rape fantasies - 9/30/2007 1:05:24 PM

SirCache

Posts: 159
Joined: 3/26/2005
Status: offline

I had a sub who was raped, and she wanted there to be rape scenes between us specifically because it gave her the opportunity to understand it, to feel she had some kind of control of the situation after she was robbed of the chance to do so. It also gave her the ability to say 'stop', and we stopped. In a way I think it was therapuetic for her. But almost every other woman I've been with has loved that nearly animal, just against their will (tongue-in-cheek, of course), brutal sex. Each person has their limits, but the rape scenario is so commn.

(in reply to lynn23)

Post #: 27

RE: Confused with rape fantasies - 9/30/2007 4:18:19 PM

Decimus

Posts: 174
Joined: 9/17/2007
Status: offline

Am I the only one who doesn't consider this a fantasy? I actually consider it an act of submission...I am a virgin and I know the domme I am going to be with for the rest of my life in a relationship WILL rape me and take my last "gift" as her rightful property.

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Here is my story that some people have asked for, www.beginningofdreams.com

(in reply to SirCache)

Post #: 28

RE: Confused with rape fantasies - 9/30/2007 6:25:55 PM

Stephann

Posts: 4214
Joined: 12/27/2006
From: Portland, OR
Status: offline

Ooops...sorry. This was charlotte, not Master Stephan. See below....

< Message edited by Stephann -- 9/30/2007 6:27:14 PM >

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"The blade itself incites to violence" - Homer

Men: Find a Woman here

(in reply to lynn23)

Post #: 29

RE: Confused with rape fantasies - 9/30/2007 6:28:17 PM

charlotte12

Posts: 471
Joined: 5/9/2006
Status: offline

I think a lot of people have said some very good things here. I'm not sure i really have anything new to add except just another reassurance that you're not alone. I've had rape fantasies since i was quite young and they never seemed unhealthy to me until i started dealing with other unhealthy parts of my life and it all got mixed up and i started to try to convince myself that the fantasies of being raped had to be a part of a lot of the other unhealthy circles my mind can go it. Without going into detail i'll just say that i finally had to come to terms with the fact that whether i am dealing with two seperate issues or not doesn't really matter. I can tell in my gut when i am enjoying something and when it is taking me into a negative spiral. Usually the times i get the most upset and confused is when i try to figure out exactly where all my thoughts and fantasies have come from.

If you enjoy your fantasies and they make you feel good i would say don't spend too much time trying to figure out if they're "ok". If you fantasize about being raped because you feel it's what you deserve, or it makes you feel icky inside then it might be a good idea to take a step back and try to figure it out. If it is somewhere in between i would say just take things at your own pace and learn to recognize the difference between the icky and the good feelings.

I talked to a therapist for a while about some things in my life. He always listened and supported me and now that i look back he's always accepted parts of myself that i took a lot longer to come to terms with. He suggested a few times that my darker fantasies were perhaps an attempt to express the animalistic, dark side of me that i learned to hide growing up. He also talked through possible abuse and never seemed to say that my fantasies had to have stemmed from one or the other. Rather, he helped me come to terms with my feelings, good and bad and cared more about my being happy and healthy than if the original feelings came from a healthy place. Does that make any sense?

Ok i've talked enough. I've been away from the boards for a while so you get to suffer through my first ramble. I'm just trying to say that rape fantasies do not have to come from a bad past experience but if you have had one then of course the feelings and thoughts are going to get intertwined. I would defintely suggest finding a kink friendly therapist because in my personal opinion you're best hope at ending some of the confusion is to talk about and deal with both things. Don't discount either.

Ummm....or i could just say *hugs* you are not alone and i thank you for this thread since it is something i (obviously) spend some time thinking about.

charlotte

< Message edited by charlotte12 -- 9/30/2007 7:10:11 PM >

_____________________________

Stephan's slaveling

"I'm not superior, I'm just more important." Master (Stephann)

"When you are your freest self, who are you?" Jack Rinella

(in reply to Stephann)

Post #: 30

RE: Confused with rape fantasies - 9/30/2007 6:36:33 PM

lynn23

Posts: 9
Joined: 9/27/2004
Status: offline

well i may have to settle for an un-kink friendly therapist and hope they have an open mind, LOL...

(in reply to charlotte12)

Post #: 31

RE: Confused with rape fantasies - 9/30/2007 7:06:18 PM

sammiebabygirl

Posts: 465
Joined: 10/23/2004
From: Upstate, NY
Status: offline

If he or she is a good therapist, they will become kink-aware if not kink friendly. i have educated the one's i have been to, although my friends are pretty sure that my current therapist RUNS to see her own after her sessions with me. LOL

jen

_____________________________

"Men are like pianos. When they get upright, i feel GRAND!!!"

http://charldine.com/jen2820

(in reply to lynn23)

Post #: 32

RE: Confused with rape fantasies - 9/30/2007 7:46:43 PM

ToyMaster96

Posts: 139
Joined: 6/27/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: spanklette

quote:

ORIGINAL: Kirata

No competent therapist is going to blow you off with a "get over it". Talk to her.

K.

I agree...see if you can find someone who is kink-friendly so you won't feel so uncomfortable discussing the role-playing fantasy. Don't forget...there are support groups out there who you can talk to about your specific circumstances. Whatever you decide to do, make sure that any Dominant you involve is aware of the circumstances surrounding your fantasy.

I fully agree ...in that you should try finding someone who's kink-friendly. One who understands the lifestyle even in the slightest will almost always lower the chances of you being uncomfortable discussing the role-playing fantasy or any other fantasy you might, or might not have. . I also agree, that any potential Dominant's you may become involved with, should be fully aware of the circumstances surrounding the fantasy. *hugs*

Dave

_____________________________

Fit in dominatu servitus, in servitute dominatus. (He is sometimes slave who should be master; and sometimes master who should be slave.) --Cicero

(in reply to spanklette)

Post #: 33

RE: Confused with rape fantasies - 9/30/2007 11:46:29 PM

obis

Posts: 412
Joined: 9/9/2005
From: Austin, TX, USA
Status: offline

Your reactions, concerns and fantasies are completely normal (as many others have already attested). Theres no need to beat yourself up over your thoughts.

For what little my anecdotal evidence is worth, I haven't seen any difference in the frequency or kind of rape fantasies between the women I've been with who were or were not victims of rape or sexual abuse in real life.

You may consider contacting a local women's shelter, they have access to therapists and groups where you can talk about things in a more supportive environment than it sounds like some of your friends have provided (don't be too harsh in judging your dismissive friends, given the frequency of sexual assault it's entirely possible their responses have more to do with a personal history they're trying to avoid thinking about than anything to do with you).

(in reply to Pyrrsefanie)

Post #: 34

RE: Confused with rape fantasies - 9/30/2007 11:55:46 PM

crouchingtigress

Posts: 4387
Joined: 3/19/2006
From: Maui
Status: offline

i am not saying this will work for you, and i dont reccomend it with out having some diolog first and some clear focus.....but i did heal myself of sexual frigity after being raped by having a very intence rape takedown scene a number of years ago...

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(in reply to Pyrrsefanie)

Post #: 35

RE: Confused with rape fantasies - 10/1/2007 1:55:12 AM

GabrielleSlave

Posts: 616
Joined: 9/20/2007
From: in servitude
Status: offline

Hi Amy

If it is not asking too much personal stuff, and i completely understand if you say no, but can you expand a bit on how that worked for you? This sound as though it is similar to something i am considering with my Master and any help would be great.

i know that one thing that works for one person may not be the best thing for another, but i am exploring all avenues...

love and hugs

Gabrielle x

_____________________________

Slave to Master Slayer

~ Host of the Rather Marvelous Greenwich Munch ~

"There is no such thing as liberty. You only change one sort of domination for another. All we can do is to choose our master."
D. H. Lawrence

(in reply to crouchingtigress)

Post #: 36

RE: Confused with rape fantasies - 10/2/2007 8:47:08 AM

artistbrandi

Posts: 12
Joined: 10/2/2007
Status: offline

I see everyone here has given you good advice, so I don't know if mine is necessary.

I was raped a year and a half ago; though it wasn't particularly violent, I still repressed any feelings I had about it. I finally realized that I had a problem when simple vanilla sex was intolerable. I went to a therapist, and went through a treatment called "prolonged exposure." That's what it is- I had to go through in detail, in first person present tense, the events of that night; everything I felt, touched, etc. It was probably the hardest thing that I've done....but it helped me get through a lot of the feelings that I was hiding...and now I feel free to persue my interests without worry. Definitely talk to your therapist about it- that's what they're there for. No matter what- you should probably get the feelings seperated so you can enjoy your fantasies- how you do it is up to you.

(in reply to sammiebabygirl)

Post #: 37

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