Collarspace Discussion Forums


Home  Login  Search 

RE: Do you feel like your slaves/submissives tend to be..


View related threads: (in this forum | in all forums)

Logged in as: Guest
 
All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> Ask a Master >> RE: Do you feel like your slaves/submissives tend to be.. Page: <<   < prev  1 [2] 3   next >   >>
Login
Message << Older Topic   Newer Topic >>
RE: Do you feel like your slaves/submissives tend to be.. - 10/1/2007 6:04:01 AM   
camille65


Posts: 5746
Joined: 7/11/2007
From: Austin Texas
Status: offline 		I don't think it is a need to change your thoughts so much as it is a need to change how you react or act upon those thoughts.

_____________________________


~Love your life! (It is the only one you'll get).




(in reply to hermione83)
Profile   Post #: 21
RE: Do you feel like your slaves/submissives tend to be.. - 10/1/2007 6:09:57 AM   
hermione83


Posts: 393
Joined: 8/1/2007
Status: offline 		RRafe, when I went to a psych, I tried every anti-depressant there is in mega doses, combined them, saw various therapists, and they all said basically that whatever I was there for, they didn't know, and nothing they could do would help. They suggested medical problems, which I do have, but I don't think causes me to feel/think this way, but they were just like.. maybe a doctor could help you.... Doctors were like.. maybe psychs can help you.... I never change..

(in reply to RRafe)
Profile   Post #: 22
RE: Do you feel like your slaves/submissives tend to be.. - 10/1/2007 6:10:53 AM   
Viridana


Posts: 754
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: hermione83

I've heard of love healing =\. I don't think anything else can... RRafe, how did you do it? I want to, too..


Try cognitive behavioral thereapy with a kink friendly therapist.
It does wonders.

(in reply to hermione83)
Profile   Post #: 23
RE: Do you feel like your slaves/submissives tend to be.. - 10/1/2007 6:12:46 AM   
RRafe


Posts: 2060
Joined: 8/29/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: hermione83

RRafe, when I went to a psych, I tried every anti-depressant there is in mega doses, combined them, saw various therapists, and they all said basically that whatever I was there for, they didn't know, and nothing they could do would help. They suggested medical problems, which I do have, but I don't think causes me to feel/think this way, but they were just like.. maybe a doctor could help you.... Doctors were like.. maybe psychs can help you.... I never change..


Just keep trying until you find something that works for you.

_____________________________

I seem to be some wierd combination of Ren and Stimpy

(in reply to hermione83)
Profile   Post #: 24
RE: Do you feel like your slaves/submissives tend to be.. - 10/1/2007 6:13:16 AM   
Domin8tingUrDrmz


Posts: 1269
Joined: 4/8/2006
From: Portland Metro, Oregon
Status: offline 		Someone once told me, "Everything in life is a choice, including your emotions, and your outlook on life.  If you wish to be sad, you will be sad.  If you wish to be happy, you will be happy.  No matter what the conditions around present you."

At first I thought to myself, "yeah, right, whatever!", and asked, "So, you tryin to tell me, that if someone trips me and I fall on my face and break my nose, I could be happy?  You are full of shit!"...lol.

Well, okay, I still haven't learned to be happy if I fall on my face and break my nose, whether it was someone tripping me, or through some fault of my own.  I did however learn that there is indeed some merit to those words.  If you wake up and say to yourself, "I choose to be happy today", and mean it, you will be.  It takes work at first, and you really have to want it.  You must force yourself to smile and see the positive in things that may at first appear negative.  It's very much a concious choice at first.  Eventually, it becomes part of you, and you don't have to choose, it just becomes the way it is.  This same holds true with anything you wish to change about yourself.  You need to constantly, conciously, remind yourself what you wish to change and force that change to happen.  It eventually becomes second-nature, or habit.  Our brains are incredible organs capable of so much it simply amazes me.  If you allow yourself to focus on yourself enough to bring about change, it can and will happen.

Good luck.

edited: because even though I choose to be happy, my fingers do not always cooperate in my choice to be proficient in typing.

< Message edited by Domin8tingUrDrmz -- 10/1/2007 6:16:39 AM >

_____________________________

4 out of 3 people have trouble with fractions.

Ask a Mistress Forum FAQ
Profile Help

(in reply to hermione83)
Profile   Post #: 25
RE: Do you feel like your slaves/submissives tend to be.. - 10/1/2007 6:17:48 AM   
Rule


Posts: 10479
Joined: 12/5/2005
Status: offline 		I have chopped this up into relevant quotes, but this time will not reply to them separately. My reply will be at the bottom of the post.
 
quote:

ORIGINAL: hermione83
selfish, can't listen to what you're saying and misinterpret things to have hidden negative meanings, pessimistic, overly resistant to their Master, can't express their love feelings for their Master, childish, full of a lot of fear, anxious, depressed, and with no self-esteem?

Some of these are indicative of the nature of a slave.
 
quote:

ORIGINAL: hermione83
I always thought I was very giving, and thinking of others first
 
quote:

ORIGINAL: hermione83
that it runs rampant in bad submissives....

Both submissives and slaves may have issues that are characteristic of them. That does not make them bad submissives or slaves, but indicates a lack of ability in the dominant.

quote:

ORIGINAL: hermione83
Well, my ex was the one who told me that the other day when he broke up with me. So he should've known me pretty well.
He probably did.
 
quote:

ORIGINAL: hermione83
I'm just not sure exactly if those are it, or if he saw things wrong, or was just being mean
I suspect that he told the truth as he saw it.
 
quote:

ORIGINAL: hermione83
I have a bazillion issues, and I don't know if being submissive goes along with them or if it's just me.
We all have issues and slaves and submissives each often have their own particular set.
 
quote:

ORIGINAL: hermione83
I apparently drive all guys away, and I'm unbreakable, and everyone thinks they can improve me, but they cannot.
Being unbreakable is characteristic of a submissive. Nevertheless most indications suggest that you are a slave.
 
quote:

ORIGINAL: hermione83
It's really not that I don't try, or that I don't care at all. If I'm gathering things right, I see and hear all things through a big filter, and I can't escape it. I don't really know what I can do. I feel helpless.
I suspect that you are not a submissive, but a slave. Slaves have a larger ratio than dominant doms - slaves they are more wise - but they may also have some intellectual blind spots. I have no idea what those blind spots are in your case.
 
The problem was not in you, but in your master. For some reason you felt that you could not trust him - and presumably you were correct in that. A good master is dependable, perceptive (of the nature of his slave) and dominant. A good master would know how to deal with your issues, either instinctively or upon cogitation. I do not know your ex, but I would guess that he was neither dependable nor perceptive. Indications are that he played at being a master, but lacked ability. An Ersatz master. You are distraught by the ending of the relationship, but it may be all for the best. Now it is up to you and to divine intervention to find a master that will develop your full potential.

(in reply to hermione83)
Profile   Post #: 26
RE: Do you feel like your slaves/submissives tend to be.. - 10/1/2007 6:35:58 AM   
hermione83


Posts: 393
Joined: 8/1/2007
Status: offline 		((((((((((((((((((((((Rule)))))))))))))))))))))) I really appreciate that, and I do like hearing it.... but deep down, I always truly feel like I *am* the guilty party and responsible. I feel like I can manage to be with a great Dom guy, and destroy him, and make him feel like he isn't capable. I am really sweet, and its shocking that I'm so ..... ah, difficult. I can play at being difficult sometimes, but honestly....this is not playing or fun or within my control sort of natural difficult. I don't know how to describe how this is... 

And regarding what was said above... that I need to change my actions, and not thoughts.. well, I disagree. And.... this is because the main problem I have always had, is hearing something, and believing in my core that it means something that it doesn't. It's truth to me. I don't know how to hear certain things the way they are said. It's increadibly hurtful to both of us, and I end up getting abandoned. I've had people so sure, that I was so special, and that they would love me forever.... and then one day, they snap, and tell me I'm selfish, and impossible.... My very recent ex told me that I will tell my next boyfriend how horrible he is, like I talked about my ex before him, and they will agree with me until one day he ditches me and understands them both. >< I feel like absolute crap. And I don't think I really talked badly about either of them. I am reeling. I feel like pondscum. What's wrong with me?

And not trying to defend myself, but I am, anyway, I guess... but why does it have to be enabling to find someone who can accept me and love me for me. Bad and good? I do try to be all good, *so hard* but it seems like other people find this somehow. Is it really too much to expect for someone as insecure as myself to find? I have no will when it comes to myself. I am just completely helpless. When it comes to helping others, I find my strength. And maybe it's too much to need of a Dom, and it's impossible... My only happy moments recently were in a sub-trance type thing where his positive thoughts filled me and relaxed me and made me feel like it was all going to be okay, and that he'd never give up on me, even if I would. But later he did, too. :*( And, I've been told by their admissions that they weren't man/dom enough for me, and that doensn't make anything better, or make me want to brag, it makes me feel like I take great guys, and ruin them. But honestly, I think... I'm quite breakable, and it'd be easy (okay, easyish, I know I'm resistant and hesitant and shy etc etc) if they could ever really, really know me and I knew I could trust them forever. But it hasn't happened yet.... And deep down, I've always thought I was a slave too.. But I'm apparently too much work and effort for any Dom to want to try his hand at for long..

< Message edited by hermione83 -- 10/1/2007 6:40:57 AM >

(in reply to Rule)
Profile   Post #: 27
RE: Do you feel like your slaves/submissives tend to be.. - 10/1/2007 6:39:52 AM   
Celeste43


Posts: 3066
Joined: 2/4/2006
From: NYS
Status: offline 		Go see a good therapist and stick with it. Therapy is a process that requires years not weeks. And by a good therapist I mean a psychologist with no less than a master's degree, PhD would be better. A CSW can hang up a shingle but isn't nearly as good as a clinical psychologist. It's the difference between you making shadow puppets on the wall and the Royal Shakespeare Company.

You also sound hugely depressed and talk therapy alone will never cure this. See a psychiatrist and get a proper assessment, I'm betting 18 months of a SSRI will cure a lot of this.

You'll need the therapy as well, the medication will lift and hopefully cure the feelings, but the bad choice mechanism needs talk therapy (preferable Cognitive Behavior Therapy) to change.

And don't listen to what the ex said, remember that you make bad choices and therefore picked someone unhealthy for you to be in a relationship with. And thus, having picked someone to be with to validate your feelings of worthlessness, it is to be expected that all he'll say are things to hurt you further.

(in reply to RRafe)
Profile   Post #: 28
RE: Do you feel like your slaves/submissives tend to be.. - 10/1/2007 6:42:33 AM   
laurell3


Posts: 6577
Joined: 5/5/2005
Status: offline 		This is good advice.  Anyone here that reads the entire thread and your profile will give you the same advice.  I know the mental health system can be mental in and of itself, but don't give up.
Good luck to you.
l

(in reply to Celeste43)
Profile   Post #: 29
RE: Do you feel like your slaves/submissives tend to be.. - 10/1/2007 6:45:03 AM   
hermione83


Posts: 393
Joined: 8/1/2007
Status: offline
quote:

Slaves have a larger ratio than dominant doms
- PS, I'm not sure I understood this. A larger ratio of what than dominant doms.. ? *confused* Celeste, I'd be willing, but I don't even make 100 dollars a week total atm in school, much less could I pay that for therapy. I did try for months of therapy though. I was on SSRI's for years, and it did nothing as far as I could tell. Prozac helped prevent my migraine headaches.. and other than that... the only thing they did was give me worse nightmares than I normally have each night. =\

< Message edited by hermione83 -- 10/1/2007 6:47:24 AM >

(in reply to Celeste43)
Profile   Post #: 30
RE: Do you feel like your slaves/submissives tend to be.. - 10/1/2007 6:56:33 AM   
hermione83


Posts: 393
Joined: 8/1/2007
Status: offline
quote:

For some reason you felt that you could not trust him - and presumably you were correct in that. A good master is dependable, perceptive (of the nature of his slave) and dominant. A good master would know how to deal with your issues, either instinctively or upon cogitation. I do not know your ex, but I would guess that he was neither dependable nor perceptive.
-- What if I could have trusted him, but didn't, or he was dependable and perceptive..... and I just... can't trust or depend well? =\

(in reply to hermione83)
Profile   Post #: 31
RE: Do you feel like your slaves/submissives tend to be.. - 10/1/2007 10:48:56 AM   
Celeste43


Posts: 3066
Joined: 2/4/2006
From: NYS
Status: offline 		If you were a minor when these problems started, then you ought to seek out an adolescent psychiatrist because illnesses manifest differently when they start in a pediatric or adolescent and someone who is only trained to handle diseased that start in adults won't recognize them.

Since you can't afford a competent psychologist, try ACOA, Adult Children of Alcoholics, which is open to anyone from a dysfunctional family of origin. Toss a quarter or two in the pot towards the rent and coffee. Group therapy can be very effective.

You don't mention any family of origin issues, but I'm betting that these attitudes, inner thoughts, arose then. If you are always told that you will never amount to anything, if a sibling is always more valued than you, then you will automatically grow up to believe what you were told.

Additionally, you don't mention any drug or alcohol usage. If you are self medicating, then no other medication for mental illness can work until you get clean. Plus it is not a doctor or psychiatrist's fault if you lied about not using.

(in reply to hermione83)
Profile   Post #: 32
RE: Do you feel like your slaves/submissives tend to be.. - 10/1/2007 11:01:45 AM   
Maya2001


Posts: 1656
Joined: 8/22/2007
From: Woodstock ONT,CANADA
Status: offline 		What I see from your comments here and from reading your profile  is someone who is very innature in their thinking and has not learned how to be independant and self confident on their own ,   you want a fairy tale life but do not have the maturity or  experiences to understand that work and effort goes into making that happen.  Basically you are still in the child mentality and have not learned to become an adult adult yet.  .  You are more or less expecting someone else to give you self confidence,  security and self esteem , those are things you have to learn to build within you, men do do want to be your babysitter , they want an adult mature person

Instead I would suggest taking time out of 24/7 relationships and learn how to become an adult you will need probably 5 years  to do that , learn what it is like to build your own self esteem, confidence  and successes learn how to make it on your own , then there is meaning to your submission, otherwise all you are really doing is making/asking a man to be is your babysitter with sex priviledges.  

I am not trying to be cruel in my comments, it is simply  the way I view the situation

(in reply to hermione83)
Profile   Post #: 33
RE: Do you feel like your slaves/submissives tend to be.. - 10/1/2007 11:18:45 AM   
MsBearlee


Posts: 1032
Joined: 2/15/2006
Status: offline 		I would agree with Maya...she said it well.  I don't believe you CAN really love, unless you are first whole.  Otherwise you are looking for that crutch Rrafe mentioned...someone outside yourself to make you 'feel' whole.
 
When people are leaning on each other, because they cannot handle life alone...I do not believe they will succeed in the long run because as soon as either shifts the tiniest little bit; they both fall.
 
Being rescued will keep you dependent... and rescuing people keeps you dependent.  To me, it is a vicious circle.
 
If one wants a healthy relationship, where people come together out of ‘want’ than out of need… then it behooves them to ‘get their shit together’ first; to learn to be whole all by themselves…and then go looking for a partner.
 
I disagree with Rule, that it is even smart to look for someone else to 'grow you up'...  such a person would likely merely be an enabler.  (and such an enabler would eventually be overwhelmed and/or eaten alive).
 
Beverly

_____________________________

A must read for submissives! (click here)

This one, as well!

(in reply to Maya2001)
Profile   Post #: 34
RE: Do you feel like your slaves/submissives tend to be.. - 10/1/2007 12:51:38 PM   
leatherette


Posts: 255
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: hermione83

but deep down, I always truly feel like I *am* the guilty party and responsible. I feel like I can manage to be with a great Dom guy, and destroy him, and make him feel like he isn't capable.


Wishing you all the best hermione83 - no Dom, pill, or even doctor - in the world can "make" you well. 
You need to work "with" a doctor to gain your stability and happiness.

Please check out the quote. What does it mean to you?

please do take care...


(in reply to hermione83)
Profile   Post #: 35
RE: Do you feel like your slaves/submissives tend to be.. - 10/1/2007 1:27:16 PM   
Slaveless1


Posts: 105
Joined: 11/22/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: hermione83

selfish, can't listen to what you're saying and misinterpret things to have hidden negative meanings, pessimistic, overly resistant to their Master, can't express their love feelings for their Master, childish, full of a lot of fear, anxious, depressed, and with no self-esteem? I'm doing some soul-searching. I always thought I was very giving, and thinking of others first, but I was told that I was like the above, and that it runs rampant in bad submissives.... I'd like some honest answers about myself, I guess. I'm hoping to change somehow if it's true.


I have read your profile and after taking a break for supper read the other half.........LOL you cannot sya you have one final note and then add three after it with a "ps" with a note in that one too......isn't a final note the end?  Sorry just noted that when I read it. 

Seriously here you raise some flags that are not good. You seem to be living in a dream world and not reality here. There is not a single person out here who is going to be able to give you what you truely need. I would suggest that you forget about any type of relationship for right now and find you head. I do not say this to be mean.....you need to find who and what you really are...you need to find the strength to be yoruself first. Do not dwell on your past ex...it is over and done learn from it, make yourself stronger from it. Enjoy what was good  in it. Seek real help, not from here either....but if you are not truely willing and want to change then nothing is going to help you until that time...they always say that when you hit the bottom of the barrel you will want to change......... do you see the wood at your feet?
     

< Message edited by Slaveless1 -- 10/1/2007 1:32:43 PM >

(in reply to hermione83)
Profile   Post #: 36
RE: Do you feel like your slaves/submissives tend to be.. - 10/1/2007 1:54:49 PM   
tdslittlehelper


Posts: 79
Joined: 8/30/2007
Status: offline 		the most important thing that a man ever said to me was "Sarah you need more help then I can give you"  He was the reason I went to therapy.  Not because of him or something that he did.  But becasue he cared enough to say. " I love you and I want the best for you and I can't give you the best. At this point only you can give you the best"  That was what I heard later.  But at the time I heard. "God Sarah, you are so needy get help and fix yourself.  No one wants you" It changed my life. 

Maybe this is your chance to change yours.

(in reply to RRafe)
Profile   Post #: 37
RE: Do you feel like your slaves/submissives tend to be.. - 10/1/2007 1:56:31 PM   
celticlord2112


Posts: 5732
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: hermione83

selfish, can't listen to what you're saying and misinterpret things to have hidden negative meanings, pessimistic, overly resistant to their Master, can't express their love feelings for their Master, childish, full of a lot of fear, anxious, depressed, and with no self-esteem? I'm doing some soul-searching. I always thought I was very giving, and thinking of others first, but I was told that I was like the above, and that it runs rampant in bad submissives.... I'd like some honest answers about myself, I guess. I'm hoping to change somehow if it's true.


Sometimes.  Sometimes they need a little extra training.  Sometimes they need a swift kick in the ass.  Sometimes they need both.

It's also true that some masters fail to listen effectively, and fail to comprehend where their slaves are coming from--and then blame the slave for everything that's wrong.

Both sides have to work at the relationship, and both sides have to be committed to growing together for the relationship to work.  It's as true in M/s relationships as it is in vanilla.

If you are committed to serving your master and being led by him, and are willing to let him guide you and grow you to your full potential as his slave, then I suspect any of the above criticisms that might realistically apply to you won't for very long.

Beyond that, always always ALWAYS work on improving communication with your master--no relationship ever has enough of that (in my experience, at least!).


_____________________________



(in reply to hermione83)
Profile   Post #: 38
RE: Do you feel like your slaves/submissives tend to be.. - 10/1/2007 2:00:11 PM   
sweetNsmartBBW


Posts: 167
Joined: 5/16/2007
Status: offline 		"... but why does it have to be enabling to find someone who can accept me and love me for me. Bad and good?"

I know this was not to me, but I felt the need to comment on it.  I learned a thing or two about codependency- the hard way.  It's not a matter of finding someone loving and accepting of the good and bad in you.  It's about someone that makes it comfortable for you, or even encourages you, not to work on the issues in your life.  You have repeatedly acknowledged that there are things going on with you that you don't consider healthy, that you recognize need change, and that are destructive.  Yet, you are looking for a relationship that does not need you to make those changes.  You want love to heal you- that is, you want someone to "rescue" you by allowing you to continue your self-destructive behavior; by continuing to enable you to act in maladaptive ways.

In a relationship, anytime someone assists or allows another person to continue in their unhealthy and/or unproductive behavior- it's a form of enabling.

The folks here are right.  You need to get some help.  I know money can be a hurdle; but there are programs out there that can help.  You need to keep advocating for your own health.  I know it's easier to just give up; been there, done that.  Like an alcoholic, in the end, only you can take the steps to get the help you need- and you need to be persistent about it.  Once you are on the road to recovery, you will be able to seek the relationship and marriage you seek- with a MUCH better outcome than you are likely to find in this state of mind.

I wish you health and happiness.  Hang in there...*s*... 

   


(in reply to Slaveless1)
Profile   Post #: 39
RE: Do you feel like your slaves/submissives tend to be.. - 10/1/2007 2:17:31 PM   
astarri


Posts: 265
Joined: 4/22/2007
Status: offline 		If you want to find out if these qualities are part of who you are then i recommend taking the time to do a lot of self observation

(in reply to hermione83)
Profile   Post #: 40
Page:   <<   < prev  1 [2] 3   next >   >>
All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> Ask a Master >> RE: Do you feel like your slaves/submissives tend to be.. Page: <<   < prev  1 [2] 3   next >   >>
Jump to:





New Messages No New Messages
Hot Topic w/ New Messages Hot Topic w/o New Messages
Locked w/ New Messages Locked w/o New Messages
 Post New Thread
 Reply to Message
 Post New Poll
 Submit Vote
 Delete My Own Post
 Delete My Own Thread
 Rate Posts




Collarchat.com © 2025
Terms of Service Privacy Policy Spam Policy

0.094