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hisannabelle -> RE: older and larger subs (10/2/2007 4:19:12 AM)
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greetings dbg,
i think that in some ways the issue relates to a sense of entitlement, and also of supply and demand, in some ways. by virtue of the fact that they are dominant (and in non-bdsm relationships, by virtue of the fact that they are male), some male dominants (who do emphasize the physical and having their submissives fit a certain physical image) feel entitled (regardless of their own body image or physical situation) to having a woman who lives up to a certain "standard" in their mind. to be honest i think this comes from the definite double standard in our society regarding gender and body image. i am not saying that men do not also suffer from body image issues and in some cases suffer from unfair or absolute standards on the parts of some women, but these kinds of expectations are disproportionately projected onto women and women's bodies (in non-bdsm, and by extension bdsm, relationships). the reason i would expect that this does not happen as often in the case of submissive men and dominant women (submissive men projecting a certain physical standard onto dominant women) has to do with the fact that submissive men generally do not have as large of a sample of possible partners in dominant women (and thus maybe are more likely to relax standards), but perhaps more influentially, the fact that by virtue of being submissive, there is less of a sense of entitlement to project these physical standards onto dominant women and less of an emphasis on what "i" want in a partner. those things likely override the generally disproportionate projection of this phenomenon onto women in the case of dominant women. i think that what others have mentioned about physical size and dominance can also factor in as well.
in our relationship, he tends to prefer women who are slightly to moderately overweight, although he tends to end up with younger women, not older women (although i'm not sure he has particular reasons for seeking that out). there are a variety of complex causes and reasons for entering into an age gap relationship, though, so it would not surprise me if there exists a larger fraction of dominants out there who prefer older women than what we are seeing here or what is normally "expected" (that men want the younger, "prettier" - read: thinner - version).
on the whole, personally, i tend to approach such issues with the attitude that "i am who i am and if i don't meet your standards...feel free to search elsewhere." if i lose or gain weight, it will be because i want to, or because that's what's healthy for me, my body, and my self-image. in some cases it may be related to what my master wants, but i would not choose to be under the collar of someone who i knew disproportionately influenced weight and physical standards. i am something of a "special case," maybe, because i am disabled (and have dealt with debilitating chronic illness since a very young age) and i am pretty blunt about what i am and am not capable of regarding my physical condition...so i easily tend to weed out those who want somebody cute and athletic and who promises to always be height-weight proportionate to go running and rock climbing with ;) but i have found that a good rule of thumb in the area of relationship compatibility and meeting new partners is to decide what about yourself and your own self-image and health (physical and mental) you are willing to subject to other people's expectations or standards of what they think you SHOULD look like.
respectfully,
annabelle.
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