quote:

ORIGINAL: trusting

i too have been in your shoes... it is very scary to allow a person to come 'inside' due to the risks that come along with it. i think we, as women have a tendency to allow our emotions to get the best of us and that is something that only another woman could understand. i found that once i let my 'wall' down i found the most wonderful people in my life, not only in a relationship but friendships also.

it is hard to let go of the pain that someone has caused you by breaking you down, belittling you and disrespcting you as a human... but if you allow this to keep you from opening up your 'gate' to give another person a chance to fix what everyone else seems to have made so wrong, then how would you expect to find happiness in life? it is more than tough to say the least, i totally understand. i think that you should just open your heart and allow someone to heal the wounds that some jerk has left on it... if this man is not the one then in time you will find the right one.

always remember that happiness comes from within... you must be happy with yourself before you are able to make anyone else happy. it seems like a vicious circle, but if you do not allow yourself to risk things you are only sheltering yourself from the things that you need to know inorder to grow as a person. life is full of pain and suffering and it does not just go away! with experience one seems to overcome the 'small' things and move forward with their life... it is all a growing process and it seems almost impossible to not have to experience it!

good luck to you... i wish you all the best!

quote:

ORIGINAL: julietsierra

Y'know, when I was growing up, we lived on a lake, so stuff like swimming and lots of games we could play on the water was a part of my life. Sometimes we swam in the lake. Sometimes we swam at a pool nearby. When we were at the pool, one of my favorite things to do was to jump off the high diving board. It was always so scary. You know how that feels? Your heart is in your throat the higher you climb. Once you're on that board, you look down and the water seems so far down. You worry that you'll have enough breath to be able to make the jump AND still come up for air.

There were so many times I'd climb all the way to the top of that board, and creep out in baby steps to the edge. Other people waiting their turn would be calling to me to jump JUMP! At first, and many many times, I'd creep to the edge of the board, only to lose my courage, get terribly frightened and turn around to climb back down the ladder. It never failed though. I'd get back down on solid ground and wish I was back up in the air. I'd be angry with myself for not having the courage to jump.

Finally, I simply got tired of being afraid. The day was hot, the water was blue and so cool and I was in the air again, creeping out to the edge of the diving board, my heart beating so hard I swore everyone could hear it. This time though, as I was creeping out there, I worked on remembering that I knew how to swim and that no matter what, I'd come to the surface. I looked down and saw the water below and took a deep breath and stepped off the board.

It was THE most thrilling thing I'd ever done. The whole way down, I was beyond scared. I was also so proud of myself that I'd finally overcome my fear. After I hit the water, and came back up, I was shouting and laughing and crying and bunches of other things. The lifeguard had to remind me to swim to the edge so that the next person could jump. So, I swam. I knew how. I knew I could save myself if I needed to and if I couldn't, no matter what, there were people there who would help. I ran back to the diving board to jump again.

Throughout the summer, I wanted to jump off of high places all the time. In my back yard, we had a boathouse. Some people have barns. We had a boathouse. It was as tall as a barn. The canal it overlooked was 12 feet deep. Eventually, either my brother, sister or myself got the wild idea that if we could jump off the high dive at the pool, what was so different with jumping off the boathouse roof. We spent the summer jumping.. and then holding hands with each other as we jumped, then jumping off with one of us on the shoulders of someone else, carwheels, anything we could think of, even eventually even riding small bicycles off the roof, their frames tied to our ankles like surfers tie their boards. We had a great time.

One time though, I jumped and landed in the water wrong. I got an earful of water and was in immense pain for days and days. To this day, I remember the feeling of that pain. For anyone who's ever had swimmer's ear, it's that magnified by 50 due to the pressure of hitting the water and its effects on my eardrum. It was horrible. I swore I'd never jump off the boathouse again. And I MEANT it.

Eventually though, in time, my ear stopped hurting. Eventually, without me realizing it was happening, I started to miss jumping off the boathouse and the high diving board. Eventually, when I was ready for it (and it wasn't something I could "do" to get there, it was just time that healed), I found myself climbing the ladder again.

I jumped off the board and the boathouse until I grew up and moved away. Jumping off the high diving board and that boathouse was probably the singularly most important lesson I ever learned about my life.

You can approach trust in baby steps. You can do so slowly and with great care. Eventually though, there comes a time when you finally have to just take that step off the edge. You have to decide that what you're doing is something you want far more than your fears and you have to jump.

When you jump, generally you're going to find that you're going to be ok. Sure you run risks. SURE you can be hurt, but the fact is, you have the resiliancy and the ability to take care of yourself. If things are really bad, generally there is someone nearby who can help you. And you're going to really be ok.

And if you DO get hurt, chances are there will be some time afterwards in which you're not going to want to put yourself in that situation again. That's a healthy reaction. However, as with most things. as you heal, you again find the courage to put yourself back into that same situation you were in before. This time though, you KNOW you have the resiliancy and ability to care for yourself. You have the strength to make it, no matter what is going to happen. ANd most of all, you can now remember and experience again, the thrill of being in that situation. You don't have to withhold that joy from your life again.

The walls we put up around ourselves serve purposes. They help us heal. But as with most things, we have some choices and some decisions to make. Sometimes, we don't even realize that we're going to have to make this decision. We can choose to hide forever behind our walls. We'll live our lives and seem perfectly fine, but we'll be missing the thrills we're protecting ourselves from. Or, when the time is right, even without realizing we're doing it, we can come out from behind our walls. We can climb the ladder again and we can look down to see the cool blue of the water and feel the joy that comes from having the confidence to jump in with both feet, confident that no matter what, we're going to be ok.

You're going to be ok - no matter if you get hurt again or not. You have the resiliancy, the strength and the ability to take care of yourself.

Enjoy the jump. Enjoy the ride. Enjoy your life.

juliet