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ballancing obligations - 10/3/2007 9:47:12 PM

jthaddeus

Posts: 30
Joined: 6/11/2007
Status: offline

Hello,

First, I would like to apologize, as despite searching, I was unable to come up with anything before making this post, and I'm SURE it's been gone over to death before. So if this is the case and I just missed it, a polite pointer would be appreciated, and secondly because I'm sure this is a mundane matter, but it is only in this context that it becomes important TO ME, and so it is here that I ask.

With the disclaimers out of the way:

I have been very busy most of my life, with a horribly tendency to over-obligate myself and then stretch to the limits to meet that obligation. Now I am blessed to be in a situation where I have the oppertunity to be with people I like very much, and spend time with them, and perhaps at some point in the future be trained to become their slave... except that I keep finding myself bowing out of time with them to finish things like setting up servers or helping people move, or even simple things like going hiking (in training for a trek thats been in planning for years)

so here is the amazingly vanilla question...

How does one go about a smooth and as painless as possible transition to handing your time over to someone?

Thank you very much for your help.

Sincerly,

-- james

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RE: ballancing obligations - 10/4/2007 2:00:12 AM

spanklette

Posts: 882
Joined: 2/22/2005
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There are entire books out about learning to say "no". Maybe you should pick one up! I was one of those people too, and I finally burned myself out and had to prioritize people and activities. That was the biggest thing that I had to learn how to do...once you find your weakness, shore it up and move on! And, don't feel guilty about saying no to people, sometimes you just need to do your own thing. Good Luck!

_____________________________

~spanklette~

"The important thing is this: to be able at any moment to sacrifice what we are for what we could become. " Charles du Bois

"Please don't shout, can't you see I'm not listening." Billie Myers

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RE: ballancing obligations - 10/4/2007 7:51:28 AM

pseudopsychotic

Posts: 145
Joined: 8/27/2007
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quote:

except that I keep finding myself bowing out of time with them to finish things like setting up servers or helping people move, or even simple things like going hiking (in training for a trek thats been in planning for years)

Hello fellow burn-the-candle-at-both-ends person, I know just what you're going through and maybe your mind set. If not, then correct me if I'm worng.
Based on this quote above, I garther that you find time with Them as something of a personal benifit for you. Therefor it's ok that your blow them off, dont make enough time, because again, it's for you. Would it settle yourmind at all if I pointed out that you hurt and frustrate them when you don't make time for them? That it's not just for you, but also them?
I think all you need to do is set an appointed time with them, and say no to anyone else whos askng you to help them move or wash their feet durringthat time.
Would you tell a friend that you'd help them do something then shrugg that promise off when someone else comes along with a problem?
I dont think so.
They deserve your attention and utter most care same as any other of your friends.

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RE: ballancing obligations - 10/4/2007 8:09:50 AM

Celeste43

Posts: 3066
Joined: 2/4/2006
From: NYS
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I agree with pp, take out your appointment book and write their names on every Saturday and Wednesday evenings. Or whatever days they would like you to keep clear.

Then if someone asks you to help them pack on Wednesday, you can look at the book and say "sorry busy Wednesday, but I could come by Tuesday or Thursday". Friend asks you to go to a movie on Saturday, "sorry I'm already booked, what are you doing Friday night though".

Your friends have obligations of their own as well, they aren't always available at the drop of a hat. People will understand especially if you offer an alternate time.

Now if this couple wants you to never do anything just in case they might feel like calling and asking you to come by, then I'd move on. Everybody has the right to a full life and sitting by the phone isn't it. You have the right to ask them to tell you three days ahead that they are available Saturday to see you, then you can tell someone who calls on Thursday that you've already make plans and maybe next week.

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RE: ballancing obligations - 10/4/2007 8:33:11 AM

IamJustMe2C

Posts: 94
Joined: 10/2/2007
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Celest43 couldt have said it better Then I could have. So far you have very sound advice from the other three posts and If it were me and it did not agree with them I would disregard anything else said. Celest said it best though and did a fine job of detailing it. Just rember to C.Y.A when ever you meet new people and you get to the point of training or "playing" it is the only one you have. Be Well

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RE: ballancing obligations - 10/4/2007 1:29:25 PM

softpjOS

Posts: 398
Joined: 6/7/2005
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quote:

ORIGINAL: jthaddeus

I have been very busy most of my life, with a horribly tendency to over-obligate myself and then stretch to the limits to meet that obligation. Now I am blessed to be in a situation where I have the oppertunity to be with people I like very much, and spend time with them, and perhaps at some point in the future be trained to become their slave... except that I keep finding myself bowing out of time with them to finish things like setting up servers or helping people move, or even simple things like going hiking (in training for a trek thats been in planning for years)

so here is the amazingly vanilla question...

How does one go about a smooth and as painless as possible transition to handing your time over to someone?

Been there, done that. Considered myself quite the little juggler of time, still juggle but not nearly as much. You see, I figured out that saying "no" isn't going to shatter anyones universe. I schedule my time with enough breathing room that if something does "pop" up, it's not a major crisis.

For myself, my interest/introduction to BDSM came while I was busy being a parent/ pto leader/ soccer-football leagues/ scouts/ and worked full time. It was after life had settled down that I allowed myself to look into the Lifestyle more.

I clearly communicated to my Mistress what time I could dedicate to a relationship with Her. Since we lived a distance apart, that included how often I was able to travel to see Her. When I moved closer, we sat down and discussed what expectations She had of me living so close and we kept it very realistic. We both have families and our first rule is Family First ALWAYS. If a family obligation is going to prevent me from serving on a date She expects me to be there, I notify Her as soon as I find out.

Clear, honest, upfront communication on the time you are available to serve/train and sticking to it without 10,000 excuses as to why you "couldn't make it".

And, when you are finding yourself being asked to do something for someone, sit back and think about the position you are putting that person in by saying yes, you'll absolutely be there and then not showing up. Perhaps you'll take a little more time to think about your schedule before saying yes? It's great to be someone people can count on, don't over extend yourself and become that person that said they'd be there and left a friend holding the bag.

And NEVER forget to take time for yourself!

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RE: ballancing obligations - 10/4/2007 2:22:37 PM

leatherette

Posts: 255
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If someone is seriously training you to be their slave and you are committed to this make them #1 priority -

First make sure they are serious as well.

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RE: ballancing obligations - 10/4/2007 5:38:00 PM

leatherette

Posts: 255
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OP jthaddious I didn't mean this against you...please want to be clear.
I am on a rant today.*

I see such hyposcrisy in what people in general say about this issue. One is that a bottom should meet many tops and choose wisely. On the other hand - people say devote yourself immediately or you are not serious.

1st if you try and balance getting to know a few - you are a player. Or..not sincere, or whats wrong with you? You don't have 36 hours a day to devote to ME?( said by a yet un met in RL hypothetical being)

2nd If you use your feelings..and stick with 1 early on - then - shame, foolish naive slavething..sucker!

3rd. People say: I want a slave who is a whole person with a life and can offer much! ( But drop everything - right this minute - yeah, so..we only met once)!

Where is the balance?

OP..hope you find your balance..

*Note tops and bottoms mean doms mistress subs et al

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RE: ballancing obligations - 10/4/2007 5:42:58 PM

RRafe

Posts: 2060
Joined: 8/29/2007
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quote:

ORIGINAL: leatherette

OP jthaddious I didn't mean this against you...please want to be clear.
I am on a rant today.*

I see such hyposcrisy in what people in general say about this issue. One is that a bottom should meet many tops and choose wisely. On the other hand - people say devote yourself immediately or you are not serious.

1st if you try and balance getting to know a few - you are a player. Or..not sincere, or whats wrong with you? You don't have 36 hours a day to devote to ME?( said by a yet un met in RL hypothetical being)

2nd If you use your feelings..and stick with 1 early on - then - shame, foolish naive slavething..sucker!

3rd. People say: I want a slave who is a whole person with a life and can offer much! ( But drop everything - right this minute - yeah, so..we only met once)!

Where is the balance?

OP..hope you find your balance..

*Note tops and bottoms mean doms mistress subs et al

The biggest oak grows from a tiny acorn.

Patience. Let the shine shine-and the rains come-and see what grows.

Life has ups and downs-and you never really know what you have, until you do them all.

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RE: ballancing obligations - 10/4/2007 5:58:22 PM

leatherette

Posts: 255
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Thats lovely RRafe.

I have the patience, personally. I'd prefer to go by my instincts and focus on maybe 1..or 2 .. hey thats balanced to me. Then see what grows.

Do them all? Ok... now multiply x by <laughing>... and still lead a whole balanced life. Right.

So, RRafe...guess you are an insightful poster. One of those worth hanging around for. I'll just be myself.... and go with my heart.

Where is the OP? Hope we all could help!

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RE: ballancing obligations - 10/5/2007 10:21:41 AM

jthaddeus

Posts: 30
Joined: 6/11/2007
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Sorry, I was mainly just reading and trying to grok the situation.

For what it's worth, I am working to complete those obligations that can be "completed" Beyond that, they have been very understanding.

and I also spoke with them about what they WANT from me, and my "perceived" obligations to them are much higher than what they actually expect me to do.

So I think correcting that misunderstanding and freeing up some of my schedule is helping tremendously. :)

-- james

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