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~The Dance~ The roles we choose - 10/4/2007 8:07:46 PM   
SteelofUtah


Posts: 5307
Joined: 10/2/2007
From: St George Utah
Status: offline 		I am a firm believer in that we have roles in this lifestyle and when two people come together well the create what I like to call the dance, where two, or more, people function so well and effortlessly that some wonder how the manage.

I am for the most part strictly D/s, sure I like to spank and own all the whips chains and floggers that come with the induction of the BDSM lifestyle I found after the first few years that I grew tired of the Play and longed for a serious in depth relationship.

It was here that I had to define my role, not choose it because trust me where I sit today is nowhere close to where I thought I was going to be in this lifestyle.

I am a Guy, just a Guy. I am Dominant in Nature but I think to call myself a Dom is to lable yourself in a simplistic way for a very complex philosophy.

I believe in Order and Discipline, offten that is confused with I like to punish my slave but that is also very narrow in the actual scope. I have taught my slave my personal self discipline and try to help her reach her greatest potential through that self discipline.

I believe that Control and Power are illusions because they only exist when the person who does not have them gives them to another, thus the only reason I have power or control is because she gave them to me. I also believe there is a difference between a submissive and a slave and I define it with a cup of coffee. A submissive when informed that I would like a cup of coffee chooses to complete the task, depending on her demeanor will do so with the ammount of skill necessary to impress, perhaps asking how I take it and making sure it isn't too hot by taking a sip first, maybe asking if I would like an icecube in it, then once bringing me the cup of coffee has completed the task and done well. There is nothing wrong with this and it is very pleasing in any degree. But the slave differs in that a slave knows I can have a waitress get me a cup of coffee, anyone can get me a cup of coffee my legs aren't broke I can get my own damn cup of coffee, a slave simply wants to be the one I choose to bring me that cup of coffee, and knowing that of all the choices I chose her to serve me and that in itself is it's own reward, and this is exactly what I desire. I don't care how well a task is done if the purpose is just to comeplete a task, I would rather choke down a horrible cup of coffee brought to me by a girl who was honored to bring it to me.

Perhaps I am a bit over indulgent in the internal workings of a slave but to me that is what is important, I don't care about the task but rather why she is performing the task in the first place.

The dance occurs when the slave doesn't have to be told how to prepare the coffee because she pays attention and picks up on the way I do things myself and tries to alter her mode to maintain my happiness and lessen my load. In return for this I offer her all that I am, I give her everything that I can give and I show her just how valuable she can be to me and how much worth she actually has.

Call me sappy but hell it's the happiest I have EVER been.

So How about you? How do you determine your role in the BDSM lifestyle?

~~Every point of view is welcome, please be respectful of other peoples opinions, as they are just as valid as your own they just don't pertain to you~~

_____________________________

Just Steel
Resident Therapeutic Metallurgist
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RE: ~The Dance~ The roles we choose - 10/4/2007 10:13:01 PM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline 		I'm a switch, so I'm guessing I break a lot of your lofty ideas about what all this is about.  I determined I was a switch because of how I felt comfortable as myself within authority based relationships.

Your notion of what happens of the dance has nothing to do with orientation- that's called training, and anyone can be trained well.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to SteelofUtah)
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RE: ~The Dance~ The roles we choose - 10/4/2007 11:12:59 PM   
RRafe


Posts: 2060
Joined: 8/29/2007
Status: offline 		I'm a lowly pervert. I don't need to obssess over my "place" in it..I just do it.

_____________________________

I seem to be some wierd combination of Ren and Stimpy

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)
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RE: ~The Dance~ The roles we choose - 10/5/2007 12:14:40 AM   
crouchingtigress


Posts: 4387
Joined: 3/19/2006
From: Maui
Status: offline 		i am in the been there done that camp....not jaded......but i don't romanticise roles like i once did...roles are just roles....fun, yes,.... fulfilling, can be,..... illuminating, at times, .....annoying, yep..... limiting, sometimes, ....simply a mental construct...oh yes definitely.



_____________________________


Service slut, durable plaything, and ponypenquincatdogpig, to Lee Harrington

This is him

"Its none of my buisness what other people think of me."




(in reply to RRafe)
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RE: ~The Dance~ The roles we choose - 10/5/2007 2:35:35 AM   
RRafe


Posts: 2060
Joined: 8/29/2007
Status: offline 		Same here, it comes to me naturally-or I just don't bother.

If you have to spend all of your time convincing yourself that you fit a role-it isn't in you.

Which is called "being insecure."

_____________________________

I seem to be some wierd combination of Ren and Stimpy

(in reply to crouchingtigress)
Profile   Post #: 5
RE: ~The Dance~ The roles we choose - 10/5/2007 3:33:54 AM   
julietsierra


Posts: 1841
Joined: 9/26/2004
Status: offline 		In response to... everyone:

Y'know, what I like is that it is just as fine for LA to be nonchalant in her approach, for crouchingtigress to have decided she's moved past labels and for the RRafe to be like Nike and "just do it" as it is for SteelofUtah to be ecstatic in his relationship and find some way to post that happiness to this forum.

I always love how simple questions always seem to elicit the whole "I'm better than you" mentality out there. If someone decides these things by a cup of coffee, fantastic. If they just come to the realization that this is who they are - however naturally they've done that, then that's fantastic too. However, none of these approaches are lofty by any means. They're just simply how that person does things.

I watched this movie once - pretty good movie actually, kind of family oriented, but anyway, I digress. This movie was called Bronx Tales and in the movie, the gangster/idol of the narrator tells him (paraphrasing of course) "The way to tell if the girl is "the one" is through a door lock. When you go pick up the girl, you lock the doors of the car. Then, when you open the door for the girl and get her in the car, you watch what she does. If she just sits there, then she's a self-centered bitch and you drop her at the curb right there. But, if she leans over to unlock your door, you have a winner, cause she is thinking about you."

Door locks, cups of coffee, naturally, been there done that - so what? You're here, what you do is what makes things work for you and that's all there is. And frankly, none of it has to actually stem from insecurity. All it has to do is be the way THAT person looks at things.

But isn't it FUN to make fun, call insecure, infer they are ridiculous, etc just because they do things differently from you.

I'm a submissive/slave (give me whatever name you want, I know who I am). I look at men and determine if their view of dominance is right for me by how quiet we can be together. If he or I appear nervous, or he needs to fill space with words, I'm not interested. If we can carry on a good conversation, I'm comfortable with the silences and things between us "feel" right, then it works for me. At least it's a place to begin.

juliet

(in reply to RRafe)
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RE: ~The Dance~ The roles we choose - 10/5/2007 4:14:50 AM   
feastie


Posts: 1793
Joined: 6/4/2004
Status: offline 		It happens that am I a submissive person.  That innate sense of submissiveness is at its best when I am with someone who accepts and embraces that about me.  That is when I feel strongest and best about myself.  It manifests itself in small ways, such as a cup of coffee or of late, wake up calls, and in bigger ways, such as going against my usual feelings about something because he asked.

It's all about finding the joy.  If you find it in a cup of coffee, fabulous.  If you find it some other way, that's wonderful too.  Just ... find it!

_____________________________

Snarky and loving it.

Disclaimer: Any views expressed in any post are my opinions only. They may or may not be yours.

(in reply to julietsierra)
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RE: ~The Dance~ The roles we choose - 10/5/2007 4:27:45 AM   
LaTigresse


Posts: 26123
Joined: 1/15/2006
Status: offline 		Even though I don't think this is how you meant it but for me, my first thought was "role, acting, a part we play that is not ourself but a manifestation of what others want to see"

So in that context, my best done role was as a hetro, socially submissive, suburban, wife and mother. I played that role very convincingly and made alot of people very happy....... except for one.....ME.

That being said, all of this, the ME that flows with my inner nature, is not a role but an acceptance of self. The only choice is, to be honest with myself. Not always an easy choice, surprisingly.

As far as how I conduct myself within this context, I guess I don't feel some of the pressures I see others with. If I felt the inclination to switch I would. If I felt a sudden urge to go the more theatrical route I would. (when I say theatrical, it's not a bad thing, just the more public gatherings and dress.... not a big interest of mine though I do understand the interest and attraction)

For me it is about a relationship dynamic. A way I feel comfortable relating with a SO. The dance, for me, is the discovery of that and maintaining it. Turning it into a beautifully done tango of two people that are completely intune with one another and, at moments, completely oblivious to anyone else. How that is manifested with physical specifics depends entirely on the two people involved. There are no singular physical acts on domination that define the relationship, no one thing that I say I must be able to have.


_____________________________

My twisted, self deprecating, sense of humour, finds alot to laugh about, in your lack of one!

Just because you are well educated, articulate, and can use big, fancy words, properly........does not mean you are right!

(in reply to SteelofUtah)
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RE: ~The Dance~ The roles we choose - 10/5/2007 4:39:25 AM   
MadRabbit


Posts: 3460
Joined: 8/9/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: RRafe

Same here, it comes to me naturally-or I just don't bother.

If you have to spend all of your time convincing yourself that you fit a role-it isn't in you.

Which is called "being insecure."


I about 50% disagree with this.

I agree that orientation for a particular "role" is innate and is either there or it isnt. It cant be forced or created.

However, as far as expressing that role and living that role, the idea that "If being a slave or master doesnt come completely natural, its not meant to be" is BS.

The vast majority of us have things we have to change, improve on, and move past. We're socialized to be one way, now we are going to behave in a way thats in opposition of that.

Its my opinion that everyone was a wannabe at some point, but it all begins with those parts of your "self" that either are there or they arent.



_____________________________

Advice for New Dominants
The Unpolitically Correct Lifestyle Definitions

Obama is NOT the Messiah! He's just a VERY NAUGHTY BOY

(in reply to RRafe)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: ~The Dance~ The roles we choose - 10/5/2007 5:03:31 AM   
Bobkgin


Posts: 1335
Joined: 7/28/2007
From: Kawarthas, Ontario, Canada
Status: offline 		Good essay, A. Well written and heart-felt.

quote:

ORIGINAL: SteelofUtah

I believe that Control and Power are illusions because they only exist when the person who does not have them gives them to another, thus the only reason I have power or control is because she gave them to me.

...

The dance occurs when the slave doesn't have to be told how to prepare the coffee because she pays attention and picks up on the way I do things myself and tries to alter her mode to maintain my happiness and lessen my load. In return for this I offer her all that I am, I give her everything that I can give and I show her just how valuable she can be to me and how much worth she actually has.

Call me sappy but hell it's the happiest I have EVER been.



These quotes all resonate with me.

Before BDSM I had a long history of service to others: those who were less fortunate, those who were vulnerable, the 'under-dogs' of society.

When I look at submission I see the love and trust and faith that goes into choosing me as a master. Initially these are gifts of faith, as I have not done much more than talk when I receive them. I treat these gifts with respect and honour, and do my best to be my best so as to be worthy of them.

But it only works when all involved are honourable, trustworthy and loving. These are high standards to be met, and not all are able to handle the demands of such standards.

But when it did work, I have never been happier.


Juliet: two thumbs up.



_____________________________

When all is said and done, what will you regret?

That you never really lived?

Or there was so much living left to do?

For those interested: pics and poetry have been added to my profile.

(in reply to SteelofUtah)
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RE: ~The Dance~ The roles we choose - 10/5/2007 5:18:28 AM   
AEslaveM


Posts: 126
Joined: 9/4/2007
Status: offline 		i am a slave, the role i was born to, and am happiest in.  SteelofUtah summed it all up very eloquently for me!  i happen to have a Master who believes in treating me with utmost respect, love, kindness, and all that goes along with being Master..........and i love and live to serve him.

He also treats me as the intelligent, independent, loving and giving woman i am. 

i know he values me as i value him, with everything.............We dance very well together!

M

_____________________________

M


(in reply to Bobkgin)
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RE: ~The Dance~ The roles we choose - 10/5/2007 6:39:36 AM   
DocRudy


Posts: 153
Joined: 9/19/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: RRafe

I'm a lowly pervert. I don't need to obssess over my "place" in it..I just do it.


That about explains it.

I might feel more inclined towards one or the other for shorter of longer periods of time, but in the end, I am inclined to do what feels good.

-DR

Edit: Maybe not lowly pervert, though, but pervert-extraordinaire!!

< Message edited by DocRudy -- 10/5/2007 6:40:43 AM >

(in reply to RRafe)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: ~The Dance~ The roles we choose - 10/5/2007 6:57:43 AM   
spankmepink11


Posts: 1310
Joined: 9/28/2005
Status: offline 		I don't believe i "chose my role" anymore than i chose my  eye color...height...or shoe size.   I am what i am...big feet & all 

(in reply to DocRudy)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: ~The Dance~ The roles we choose - 10/5/2007 8:10:46 AM   
slavegirljoy


Posts: 1207
Joined: 11/6/2006
From: North Carolina, USA
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: SteelofUtah
I am a Guy, just a Guy. I am Dominant in Nature but I think to call myself a Dom is to lable yourself in a simplistic way for a very complex philosophy.

i don't think there is anything simplistic about being a Dominant, just as there isn't anything simplistic about being a Guy or, anything simplistic about being a submissive or anything simplistic about being a gal.  Humans aren't simplistic beings, whether they are a Dominant Guy Human or a submissive gal human.  We are all pretty complex.  But, that's what makes it nice and challenging and fun and exciting and meaningful and, sometimes frustrating.

quote:

I believe that Control and Power are illusions because they only exist when the person who does not have them gives them to another, thus the only reason I have power or control is because she gave them to me.

Power and Control are very real, in my life.  They aren't illusions.  They are the foundation and the determining factor in how my relationship with my Master functions.  In my Master's home, He has the Power and the Control over me because that's how Wwe function best, as a couple.  In entering into a M/s relationship with my Master, i relinquished the Power and Control over myself to Him.  i had the P&C over myself before that.  If i hadn't had it, i wouldn't have been able to surrender it to Him. 
 
And, while i am physically capable of taking the Power and Control back from Him, which would make the transfer of P&C only temporary, i am mentally, emotionally, and even spiritually incapable of taking it back, because i have become Internally Enslaved to my Master.  He possesses me, more in an internal way than in a physical way.  The internal enslavement, for me, is unbreakable.  Where as, any physical means of enslavement, as in chains, locks, cages, etc., are breakable and temporary. 
 
For me, there is no illusion regarding Power & Control, within my relationship.  i have become the powerless possession of my Master, which is exactly what i was seeking when i began searching for a 24/7 TPE M/s relationship.  And, whether someone else sees it as an illusion is irrelevant to my state of being.

quote:

So How about you? How do you determine your role in the BDSM lifestyle?

Within my intimate and sexual relationships, i have always been submissive.  It's the essence of my being and the role i take has always been determined by my submissive character, not the other way around.  In other words, i don't choose to take a submissive role and then strive to be submissive.  The submissive role is where i fit because i am submissive. 

quote:

~~Every point of view is welcome, please be respectful of other peoples opinions, as they are just as valid as your own they just don't pertain to you~~


Respectfully,
slave joy
Owned property of Master David

(in reply to SteelofUtah)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: ~The Dance~ The roles we choose - 10/5/2007 9:01:33 AM   
MissHarlet


Posts: 2728
Joined: 9/11/2005
From: El Paso , TX US
Status: offline 		I agree and to me this is the mindset .. not a role and not something that can be taught .. it just is !!!

_____________________________

Protectress of hearts/souls of all submissives calling Bounty's Place home, by order of Bounty~Proprietor

To be respected you must be respectful, to be loved you must be willing to love,
to be trusted you must be willing to trust.

(in reply to Bobkgin)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: ~The Dance~ The roles we choose - 10/5/2007 9:13:20 AM   
Bobkgin


Posts: 1335
Joined: 7/28/2007
From: Kawarthas, Ontario, Canada
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: MissHarlet

I agree and to me this is the mindset .. not a role and not something that can be taught .. it just is !!!


I'd have to disagree with the idea it just is.

Who I am is a result of all I've been taught, as sorted, processed, analyzed, and comprehended by me through my life experience.

In this fashion we are all self-taught, for though we are taught many things, we do not always agree with what we are taught.

I can recall my mother's surprise when I explained to her my participation in bdsm had a lot to do with my teen-age years sitting around the kitchen table listening to her teach me values and ethics.

But I clearly see the connection between one and the other.

No adult is more vulnerable in our society than a female slave.

It is obvious to me why I'd love them above all others.

Those most vulnerable are the closest to the epitome of love and trust I've ever known.

And love and trust are, for me, the highest virtues.

To be judged by them to be worthy of their love and trust ...

_____________________________

When all is said and done, what will you regret?

That you never really lived?

Or there was so much living left to do?

For those interested: pics and poetry have been added to my profile.

(in reply to MissHarlet)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: ~The Dance~ The roles we choose - 10/5/2007 10:57:09 AM   
YesMistressIrish


Posts: 1135
Joined: 5/1/2007
From: Calif
Status: offline 		For me it isn't a 'role I choose'. It is who I am: A domina.
 
I have the greatest feelings towards a sub slave who lives to serve me. I am a very giving person, love to teach and see anyone fulfill thier potential. A slave has a special place in my heart. Some are subs and call themselves 'slave'. Some are slaves and call themselves 'sub'.
 
I am a domme and I like to train someone with a 'good' attitude. I have worked with both kinds, people who know they are deeply submissive and are that way in their actions and thoughts towards me, and 'bratty' ones who act up all the time, get demanding, moody, immature, etc. I refuse to  work with the latter.
 
The respect I have for a slave who puts their trust in me is very high and I am protective, supportive and giving of my time, energy, focus and yes, love towards those who honor me with their heartfelt service. Then, it's all a dance, flows naturally in many ways and is very satisfying for me and them. I am really tired of 'do me subs' approaching me and pretending to have a slave heart so they can get close to me.
 
I have so much to give, such a big heart and a sharp mind. This isn't bragging; it just is.
 
The comment above 'Anyone can be trained' is one I disagree with because if they have a bad attitude and are not really willing to be trained, no one will want to work with them, so they 'can't ' be trained.
 
I have met some wonderful people from being involved on cm. I am amazed at the positive results I've had with meeting great people since I came onto this site. I've so enjoyed doing the dance with them. And, met a few jerks here also. I sure don't want to 'dance' with anyone who lies, or pretends to be something they are not.
 
I am still looking for that special 'One' and am having fun dancing/playing/being served and serving with my sub/slave friends. It is a full circle dance for me. They serve me by BEING a sub/slave and I serve them be being a good person first, a good domina second and a hot woman third.
 
That's my dance. I learn, grow, and improve every day. Some days are fantastic, and beyond what I have hoped for. Other days, like today; I take a step back from it all, knowing that one bad apple does not have to spoil the whole bunch. I am grateful to several people who have been who they say they are; and kick the liars to the curb.

Good day for a pain slut.....*nasty little grin*

Irish

(in reply to Bobkgin)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: ~The Dance~ The roles we choose - 10/5/2007 11:06:03 AM   
favesclava


Posts: 1608
Joined: 2/15/2007
Status: offline 		from the moment i was born a girl i was trained to be a submissive. my culture was geared that way. men worked ruled the home women cooked had babies and obeyed her husband. there were always exceptions to the rule. for a while i thought i was one. i was aggressive and not domestically inclined at all. i dominated in all my sexual and romantic relationships.
till i met Him. now its so natural to serve . i crave to be kneeling by in front of Him. to serve
Him in any way He deems fit.
this is the real me. this is what i was born to be. a girl, His girl, His slave. 

_____________________________

weird is relative not an absolute term. Baron Frank N. Furter
Resident jingly dancing girl
The Pookie Of Darkness
Okay? Ready? Fine .Here's my hand. We are going now. I know the way. All you have to do is hold on tight ... and believe.SK

(in reply to YesMistressIrish)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: ~The Dance~ The roles we choose - 10/5/2007 8:40:30 PM   
MadRabbit


Posts: 3460
Joined: 8/9/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: MissHarlet

I agree and to me this is the mindset .. not a role and not something that can be taught .. it just is !!!


As much as I hate to brush up with being in agreement with Bobgkin, I seriously disagree with this statement.

Desire is innate. Whether one finds fulfillment or does not find fullfillment in a particular "role" is something that simply "is". Whether by nature or nurture, either that desire is present in an adult or its not.

The mindset or the internal workings of this are, in fact, something that can be taught and in most cases, as seen by my own experiences and the words of people with a lot of experience, does in fact need to be taught.

The idea that its completely natural for you or its not meant to be is a false misconception, in my honest opinion.

The enjoyment or desire of being a musician is not something that can be taught, but the idea that if you cant pick up a guitar and just naturally play, its not meant to be is silly.

In all walks of life, whether its a parent, musician, chef, construction worker, sexual athlete, or bondage artist, we constantly learn and become better at these roles in a variety of different ways.

However, when it comes to Master, dominant, slave, or submissive, this narrow minded idea floats around that if you arent naturally and absolutely perfect at being the role, then your wannabe or should give up.



_____________________________

Advice for New Dominants
The Unpolitically Correct Lifestyle Definitions

Obama is NOT the Messiah! He's just a VERY NAUGHTY BOY

(in reply to MissHarlet)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: ~The Dance~ The roles we choose - 10/6/2007 11:47:43 PM   
crouchingtigress


Posts: 4387
Joined: 3/19/2006
From: Maui
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: julietsierra

In response to... everyone:

Y'know, what I like is that it is just as fine for LA to be nonchalant in her approach, for crouchingtigress to have decided she's moved past labels and for the RRafe to be like Nike and "just do it" as it is for SteelofUtah to be ecstatic in his relationship and find some way to post that happiness to this forum.


smiles and waves....i like that too

_____________________________


Service slut, durable plaything, and ponypenquincatdogpig, to Lee Harrington

This is him

"Its none of my buisness what other people think of me."




(in reply to julietsierra)
Profile   Post #: 20
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